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Hi Jennifer, it sounds like the two of you have reconnected. I encourage you to follow Laura’s suggestion to think of what you are learning as helpful tips. Look inside and see if your goal is to ‘get him’ or to really ‘connect with him.’ If you are coming from a place of connection and love my sense is he will recognize this and be more open.
Kanya
Hi Andrea, I think that men do tend to share their accomplishments to impress a woman. However, if he isn’t asking about you life and engaging in a 2 way conversation I would be very wary or his ability to truly connect.
Kanya
Hi Andrea, From what my clients share, Tinder seems to be more of a hook up site. Bumble is less so and allows the woman to take the lead in communicating which can be empowering. Match is probably the most popular one out there. On Match you will run the gamete of the different types of guys who you meet. One really positive things about Match is that they now offer local meet ups in your area so you have a chance to meet people you see on the site before actually going on a date. E-Harmony seems to have the most advanced algorithm in terms of matching potential but some people find it cumbersome and too structured.
Many of the paid sites offer free trials throughout the year. Keep an eye out and try them for a few days to get a feel for what to expect. Let us know how it goes!
Hi Minh, It seems like he is still in his 5-10 day window. Give him space and focus on you for awhile. Make plans with your friends, clean out your closets, get caught up at work. Do anything to keep busy and focused on you. Don’t reach out to him at this point and work with any feelings of anger that are bubbling up. He isn’t doing this to be a jerk and he isn’t insensitive. He’s just regrouping and will be back.
When he comes back try not to be overly available. Get things on your calendar so that he knows you have a full and satisfying life without him. He will find this interesting and intriguing! You can do this!
Kanya
Well done, Mary! Sounds like you really incorporated a lot of James’s advice. I love how quickly things turned around. Most important. I hear how confident you are and how you are trusting your intuition on this one.
Keep up the amazing work!
Kanya
Hi Veronica, I’m glad you are reaching out for some support! It sounds as though you and this man have a nice connection which is positive. There are a few things that pop out for me. First, I do think he likes you but you are more attached than he to this looking a certain way. He seems super focused on school right now which is understandable. Until he finishes his education (which may also include graduate work) he may not be able to focus on a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth it or aren’t amazing-clearly you are!
That being said, there are a few things you can do to get him more interested. First-stop being so communicative! Actually create more in your life that keeps you busy and happily engaged. In doing so you will be more interesting to him and he will see that you aren’t dependent on him to make you feel satisfied. Men really need to see this especially if they are uncertain about making a commitment.
Next, read through some of James’s reports including Abundance Dating, Long Distance Relationships, and The Art of Flirting. The information in these reports will really assist you in getting his interest. The best way to get his attention is so stop giving him so much of yours. I know that might feel counter intuitive at this point but it is important to do this. He needs space to think about you. to miss you and that will take some time. It will take more than days, it could take weeks, but it will happen. What if you start to focus your energy on your studies and interests and away from him for the next few months? It may be difficult at first but in the long run I think you will be much happier with the results.
If you keep chasing him he will keep running but if you stop chasing him it gives him the opportunity to share you for awhile. That is what you are wanting and it seems like perhaps that is what he is needing as well!
I suggest you do an experiment. Don’t initiate any conversation, text, etc with him. Wait until he initiates. Then, respond, initiate once, and sit back and wait until he initiates again. It may take some practice but I think you will both find that flow of connection more satisfying than what you are currently doing. Try in for a month and see what happens! I’m looking forward to hearing all about it!
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, Sounds like the two of you have a really nice connection. I imagine the past 19 months have been difficult as you grieved the loss of your husband. I love that you are stepping back into the dating game again.
We can’t really tell from this vantage point were this will lead. And, that is part of the excitement in a new relationship! I find myself wondering how much the two of you have talked about what ‘just fun, no drama’ means to you. To you it might mean light, fun monogamy but to him it might mean something different. Don’t make any assumptions at this point. Know what you are both envisioning and see if that works for you. The conversations doesn’t need to be heavy and drawn out. You can simply share your thoughts about what this means to you and ask him to do the same. It can be a short 5 minute conversation but it is important to have a sense about what you both want at this point so that you each have realistic expectations.
I would read through some of James’s reports to learn more about the art of flirting, abundance dating, and any other subject that stokes your curiosity. Go slow and let your heart open slowly to this man. After dealing with your loss you may have a tendency to jump back in to a committed relationship because it is so familiar but you both need time to determine where you want this to go.
For now, enjoy each other’s company, enjoy these amazing feelings of connection, and keep the door open to abundance dating until you’re both ready for a commitment. Can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Katie, I’m glad you are reaching out for some advice and support! It must be difficult to keep all of this to yourself so kudos to you for reaching out and sharing.
I don’t hear a question in what you shared above. Is there something in particular that you are waning some advise with? Let us know how we can help!
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Roberta. It seems as if things are moving in a good direction. I understand your desire for more connection but at this point I would lessen the frequency of initiating contact. I would stick to once or twice a week max at this time. While this may be difficult it will give him tome to miss you and I believe he will begin to initiate more contact. WE want him to get the sense through the dynamic between you two that you accept him just as he is and where he is. If he feels forced to move at a quicker pace my sense is he will pull back.
For now, take turns initiating contact. You texted him yesterday and called him last night so wait for him to initiate contact. It may take a few days but at this point the contact will have more meaning from him if it comes from him. I hope that makes sense. At this point, less is more in terms of contact and when he does initiate contact keep it light, fun, and breezy!
Kanya
Great job, Andrea! I know how difficult it is and I really acknowledge you for finding ways to comfort yourself through this situation. I’m so glad today was a better day and that your confidence in yourself is starting to return. You are an amazing woman and you are doing so much to make your future relationship all that you deserve. Looking forward to hearing how things go!
Kanya
That is a good analogy, Judith. Perhaps at this point this is where he is most comfortable. It’s important for Mandy to understand this and then make a decision that truly works best for her.
Relationships can be so complicated! I’m so glad to have all the resources on this site. They help me with my clients and in my own relationship!
Kanya
Andrea, I get how difficult this is for you and I understand. It is hard to change a behavior that we are used to and that brings us some sense of connection. The thing is, he will be far more intrigued if you stop calling and texting than if you continue. You want him to wake up tomorrow and wonder where you went, why you didn’t text. While that might be hurtful to women when a man stops responding, it is intriguing for men.
Stop all contact with him and if he reaches out to you, be slow in responding and only respond with a few words. Begin to embrace and practice the Abundance Dating idea and you will quickly feel less reliant on this man. This will being yo a sense of peace and confidence. He hasn’t earned your attention and support and continuing to share it with him will push him further away. Stop. Breath. Regroup. I guarantee you will start to feel better in a few days if you refocus on taking care of you. You deserve so much love and support and I’m just not sure this man is capable of that kind of relationship at this time. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, Sounds like you have been on a bit of a roller coaster ride with this man. I’m sorry it has been so difficult and confusing.
I would recommend you take a step back for a few days to regroup. Right now you seem to be in a position where you are depending on him to make you feel good about yourself. This is a very vulnerable place for you and potentially and overwhelming experience for him. In regrouping I would recommend you spend time with your friends, do things that bring you joy and help you feel confident. In taking a break you can begin to look back and see the situation from a different perspective.
While men sometimes need space to regroup or think, from what I am understanding this man seems to have been unkind and uncaring to you at times. Being unkind is different than being distant. If his behavior has been unkind it is important for you to pay attention to that and take care of yourself. If a man is unkind or insensitive on purpose he doesn’t deserve you focus and energy. I’m concerned that you may be putting yourself in a difficult position by giving to him when perhaps you need to be focusing more energy on caring for yourself. For instance, buying him expensive sweets and nuts when you can’t afford it isn’t good for you. Take care of yourself and your needs first then you will have more to share with others.
Please take a week off from communicating with this man. Read through some of James reports and articles. I thing it wold be very helpful for you in getting some perspective and resetting yourself so to speak. You deserve to feel confident and strong and right now you feel the opposite of this so it is time to refocus! After a few days I think you may begin to develop a different perspective which will feel better than what you are currently feeling. Remember, you where a whole living being before this man and you can be again even if he is not giving you attention and love. You are very lovable even if he is not sharing his loving with you! Please take care of yourself, do some reading, and reach out in a few days to let us know how you are doing!
Kanya
