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Hi Marisa, I do think that calling hm and having the conversation is important. Even if the two of you decide not to continue dating, having a answer one way or another seems important. Given that he just finished his second week of school he probably has felt swamped with getting up and running with the new job, new place, etc. Everything is new from his job to finding where to do his grocery shopping. It is going to take most of his mental energy to adjust and settle in.
This is the first opportunity to figure it out as you go. Having thought about it, would you be okay if things cooled for a bit while he got settles with the option of things heating up again in the future? Keep in mind your long term goals and behest with yourself about whether this situation can get you to where you want to be. Does that make sense? Do you want to text him to schedule a time to talk?
Kanya
Hi Anna, I can understand how uncomfortable you must be feeling. This is really confusing as his words say one thing and his actions say another. Did he come to visit after he complete the move? I think that having a conversation before you start to feel overwhelmed with emotions is important. Of course, that could be difficult if he keeps pushing off a meeting. I’m not sure if he is playing games or simply confused? I think he wants to be with you when it works for him and to have freedom when it works for him. Leet me know how the weekend went and were you are all with all of this. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Shena, I’m not exactly sure what your history is with this guy. It sounds s though the two of you have dated and he isn’t pursuing you? And, you aren’t sure what level of interaction is best for you at this time. Is that accurate? Can you share more and start a new thread so that we can better support you? Thanks! I’m looking forward to hearing more from you.
Kanya
Hi Eva, It looks like you posted this into 2 different threads. I have responded to the other thread. I think it would be easier if we just responded on that thread and let this one go. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Marisa, Welcome to the forum! The timing of his move really does stink. It sounds like the two of you were conencting well and curious about building something. I found it interesting that you shared his new job is “only” 4 hours away. That seems like a long way for two busy people. When the two of you talked about continuing did you talk about how often you might see each other, how often you would talk and the ways that you would stay connected? I’m just wondering if there was a plan or more a figure it out as you go situation?
You mentioned that you are :afraid” to reach out to him. Is this because you are concerned he may end things or not respond? I can understand your fears that things may end but I wonder if it would feel better to actually know rather than being in limbo? Do you two have a track record of talking openly about things? Rather than waiting for him have you thought about what works for you and what you want? Did you start school yet? The level of connection and contact varies for people in LDR’s. What do you think would work best for you? Can you initiate a conversation (not text or email) and just let him know you want to check in on where you BOTH are at this point?
Kanya
Hi Eva, I am so glad that you have joined the forum. This is such a confusing situation. As you shared, it seems like half of him wants the relationship and half of him does not. Of course you are confused with all of the mixed signals you have been getting. I think the pat you believe is the part that doesn’t have the skill to stay in a relationship. Yes, he can talk about you being his wife and he can look for a job in your city and he can envision the future but in the end he pulls away. The last time he pulled away he finally got honest with himself that he is not ready to be i a relationship. He isn’t ready to face his own imperfections and work through his fears.
I also think that you need to go back to trusting yourself. You made a clear commitment to yourself to not participate in relationships with unavailable men. This is where your strength and clarity lie. Trust yourself in terms of what you want and what you deserve.While you have a connection with this man, he doesn’t have what it takes to stick with this, to work through things, and to actually build something on solid ground.
The question that has come up for me is; where dod you learn that it was your job to help someone figure this out, to help someone heal from past hurt, to be there even when someone was not able to be there for you? Yes, you have done this in romantic relaitonships but who was the figure in your childhood whom you loved who was not quite there for you? Exploring this will help you get to the root of this pattern and heal it for the last time! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi, I just saw that you wrote a longer post on another page. I will respond to that thread and we can disconnect this thread. Thanks.
Kanya
Hi, Welcome to the forum! We’d love to help you sort all of this out. Can you share some additional information with us? You shared that you were doing for a month. In that time did either of you talk about being exclusive or being in a relationship? How frequently were you seeing each other and did both of you share initially, that you wanted to build something?
Even though he doesn’t want to date, is he looking for a hook up situation? Can you share more so that we can understand things more? Thanks! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Denise, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for so many aspects of this. Feeling done is one thing but actually packing up and leaving in secret is another level of hurt. My guess is he just couldn’t face telling you and maybe felt that the two of you would argue. Would you agree that he was in emotional pain and wasn’t able to make good decisions either?
I think the first step is for you to get support. Dealing with a chronic condition like fibromyalgia can be devastating. It affects everything in your life including your mood. DO you feel as though your medical team has done a good job managing your symptoms? If not, go to a new specialist and see if they recommend any additional treatments that can help with the pain and fatigue. I also think you need a therapist on your team to help you manage the intense emotions that come with this type of disorder. Learning to manage your emotions also means not taking your frustrations out on the people around you. While you have a right to be angry, directing that anger at your partner is not the solution. As you can see, it alienated him over the years and made it difficult to maintain emotional closeness. Taking care of these things first seem important before trying to reignite the relationship.
There is also research that shows that Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction is a highly effect way to manage your symptoms. Often hospitals offer programs in this and I recommend you find one locally that you can attend. In the age of Covid I’m sure there are also a lot of remote options for a mindfulness Based program. Try to find one that is based on the work of Jon Cabot-Zinn. It is the most comprehensive and well studied program. He actually has several books that might be a good place to start to learn about mindfulness. His book “Full Catastrophe Living” actually contains the 8 week program that you can begin to implement.
Since the two of you are friends you can share your journey with him so that he sees that you are making changes. I’d also recommend checking out The Relationship Rewrite cause on this site. It lays out a step by step process to make things right from he past and open the door to creating something new in the future.
The most powerful thing you can do is show him that you are changing and learning new ways to cope. It is also important that you take responsibility for your past behavior and offer sincere apologies. Respond to the pain he has identified without any rationalizations or reasons for your behavior. I know this can feel really vulnerable but we have forgotten how to apologize in our culture. Many label it as a weakness and avoid it. Others feel that apologizing makes then 100% wrong and the other person 100% right and a power struggle ensues. Actually, apologizing is a powerful tool for self reflection and a way to take a higher level of responsibility which is a strength. Here is an article that outlines positive apologies that might give you more understanding of why it is important.
I’m sure that you have apologized in the past but this might help you see areas where he needs more to fully trust that you won’t treat him like that again. Our guys need to see us happy. If they see us sad and angry all the time they feel like a failure. Yes, you are dealing with something real that affects you. And, maybe it’s time to explore the ways that you can find enjoyment and pleasure in your day even if you have this condition? Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lea, What a cool idea. I’m going to have to look that up and recommend it to my clients! Of course you think about reaching out at times – that is to be expected. Sounds like you are doing a good job refocusing and moving forward. This will happen many. any times before you stop thinking about him and reaching gout to him.
Do you have a support team helping you through this? It is important for you to be around people who help you remember that you are awesome and that there will be another love in your future. Who is providing you with emotional support at this time?
Kanya
Hi Lea, there are many ways to start journaling. You can start to write about this relationship and see what comes up. Wrote about the things you feel good about, the things you wish had gone differently. Write about what you want to create in future relationsips. You can write a letter to yourself, supporting you and encouraging you the way you would to a friend.
Here are some prompts to get you started:
write about your day
identify things you are grateful for
write a letter to a younger part of yourself giving her guidance and support
write about experiences from he past that you need closure on
think about ways to love and support yourself better
talk about your goals and steps you want to take to achieve these goals
write about how your feeling about something
dialogue with your body to improve your connection and inner awareness
Think of some mistakes you have made and what you have learned from then
write a letter to someone that you need closure with and then write a letter from that person to you
write the words you need to hear to feel comforted and encouragedThese are just a few ideas to get you started. Remember, there is not a right or wrong way to journal. Just showing up and writing is what matters!
Kanya
Hi Hese, Thanks for being so thorough in your answer. It sounds like when he asked you to change plans with your sister something in you got triggered. On the one hand you understand that asking isn’t a bad thing but it still bothered you. It sounds like the two of you are still getting to know each other. He may be the type of person who would change plans to help you at times and for him it was okay to ask. Overall it sounds like he handled you saying no well. Would you agree?
I am glad that you saw your emotions rise and were able to calm them down when he was expressing wanting to care for you and referred to women as “soft.” It seems like part of you sees soft as something negative. Perhaps a weakness? This would be a good one for you to explore ore. Can you see positives too soft? Maybe for him softness in a women is being the safe place to land, of the soft pillow they relax into at the end of the day. Softness meaning approachable and gentle?
I think you need to run this idea by him that you want him to see that you can handle situations while still being a delicate flower. It sounds as though he meant all of this is a positive way. It is understandable that you will get triggered sometimes, as we all do! But clearing the air and talking about these triggers is important. It sounds as though the two of you are starting to talk through things is a respectful manner. Would you agree? What do you think about talking about this?
Overall it seems as though you are maybe worrying a lot about this new relationship? In reading through the past few messages it seems as though your brain may be looking for things to worry about. Sometimes we do this to have a greater sense of control in a new situation. Sometimes we do this so that we can avoid potential pain. Sometimes this is wrapped up in old patterns that feel so familiar it is hard to imagine changing them. If you were to relax more with this new relationship, focus more on enjoying things versus making sure everything is going to work out, how do you imagine you would feel?
Kanya
Hi Lea, It sounds as though you are really clear that this is the right step even though it is difficult. Yes, you will miss the times you have shared and the connection. And, you are learning to develop an amazing connection with yourself which is so important! I agree with Heidi that journaling might be really great for you! You shared that while you have been thinking about it, starting felt a bit daunting. Do you have expectations of what the process should look like? Are you concerned about any emotions that might come up and how to process them? Can you share more about what feels daunting for you?
Kanya
Hi Julie, you can send your request but clicking on the “contact us” link at the bottom of the page. Best!
Kanya
Hi Allie, That is a great question. Giving him space is important as it allows him the space to miss you. It gives him the chance to see that he is missing the connection, the time spent together talking. It gives him a chance to start to consider what missing you means to him. When a friend of BF stops talking to a woman, we wonder if they are mad at us. We wonder what we did wrong, etc. When a woman stops talking to a man, he wonders if she is spending time talking to another guy. He wonders if she is doing something awesome that he wants to be a part of. You don’t need to talk to him daily for him to see that you re awesome. The reality is, he does see that but at this time he doesn’t feel the chemistry or what ever he needs to feel to pursue you romantically.
Men need to pursue and right now he doesn’t have the space to pursue you. He’s already shared that he is lonely and there is a social gap in his life that you are filling. Everything is being given to him and that is not interesting or challenging. You have been communicating and available to him for 4 months. Why not take a leap of faith and try something different. Don’t initiate as much. Be less available when he does initiate. Right now he isn’t moving towards a romance with you but if you become less available, as I shared, he may start to realize the important role you have in his life and it may trigger something for him. Does that make sense?
Kanya
