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Hi Shannon, You could decide to cut him off but I’m wondering if there is another option. Since he shared he is in a weird place and open to talking more I would take him up on that offer and see if you can learn more about what is going on for him. The fact that he is open to talking and being open is interesting and possibly a sign that he would like something more if he can figure out how to resolve what is getting in the way.
I would read the Rewrite your Relationship report and see how you can apply that information to this situation. Then get together to talk. I would suggest doing it while walking or hiking as this is often a more comfortable way for a guy to express himself. Give him a chance to open up and see if what he shared is authentic and something that he is working through.
I wouldn’t make any decisions until after that conversation though I would certainly open the door to other potential dates so that you begin to see how many opportunities exist if you decide not to move forward with this man. I know it can be difficult but hang in there.
Kanya
Hi Sherry, I’m really glad you are reaching out for some support. It is clear that the two of you have some connection or things would not have lasted this long. I understand that the events of the pst week or two have made things difficult but I think it it too soon to say if things are over or just in transition.
I do find myself wondering if the relationship was out of balance before the events of the past few weeks. You shared that for his birthday you pulled out all the stops yet he forgot about your birthday. In the past does it seem like you have been treating you like your boyfriend and he has been treating you like a friend? If so, then you want to be careful about overdoing it again.
I highly recommend you read the Rewrite your Relationship Program that is available on this site. I think it would give you some really important ideas about how to proceed. I would recommend you read it before reaching out to him again. Basically it will help you begin to rebuilt, step by step, with this man. It will require a lot of patience as well as the ability to begin to regulate your emotions when you begin to feel a bit freaked out. The reality is we all feel that way sometimes but over time and with practice we learn to self-regulate so that these emotions don’t take over and make us do and say things that we regret. Once we understand how to do it, it becomes clear that learning to self regulate is far easier than trying to reverse harsh and hurtful words.
Please take a look at the report, read it through, and then begin to strategize how you would like to proceed. I know you are probably overwhelmed at this point so be sure to slow things down and take it one step at a time. If you really want to repair this is will take time and effort so be patient and go one step at a time! You can do this!!!
Kanya
Hi Shannon, I hear a real shift in your words. Focus on what you two have ad know that the occasional break is actually good! It’s nice for him to have the space tp miss you every now and then! Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Shannon, It sounds like you have done a great job dealing with some difficult conversations and interactions since you began this relationship. Overall I think yo are doing a great job. It sounds that recently you may have been doubting yourself and your connection with this man. At about 4-6 months men often withdraw in order to regroup. For woman this often feels like abandonement but men have a different experience. Often they are feeling really positive and connected and they need some time to decide if there are ready to take things to the next level. Most likely he is taking some time to think about committing on a deeper level.
He will need time for this and only he can determine how much time that will take. For now I wouldn’t focus on quantity of time together but the quality of the time you have been spending together. You mentioned that you are going away on business soon. Rather than pursuing him before then, why not take a few steps back as well. That is the best way to get him to change his direction and begin to come towards you. I understand that you are feeling vulnerable and that you want to run but I would encourage you to stay strong. You may also want to lash out in frustration but again, stay strong. Don’t think of this as a game he is playing or something that he is doing to hurt you. It’s more of a pause for the cause. Send him a casual response to his text, be light and playful but don’t ask to get together. Give him space to miss you and miss being around you.
Let yourself reconnect to your femininity and confidence again. Many woman panic at this point but there is no need. I really believe that he is just going through a phase which is temporary. Let faith and confidence in your connection help you stay strong. Refocus on other things in your life-work, friends, cleaning out your closets, organizing your email. He’ll be back before you know it! You can do this.
Kanya
Hi SW, That is interesting. His actions do seem to be communicating that he care for you very much. I wonder if he has an image in his head about what his type is, what his perfect partner would be. While he doesn’t appear to be treating you like a back up plan, he may see himself as your backup plan if he can’t see a future with the two of you.
I would guess that there may be blocks inside of him that keep him from really acknowledging how he feels. Are you aware of any bad breakups or painful relationships he has had in the past? Perhaps it is easier for him if he doesn’t admit his deeper feelings. I find myself wondering if you have met his family and friends. Does he present you to the world as if you were his girlfriend even if he doesn’t call you that? If he is not including you in the rest of his life that is a cause for concern.
I would approach a conversation in a playful manner. Perhaps when you two are spending the day together and enjoying one and other you could playful say something like, “Gosh, we’re having so much fun it’s a shame we’re not compatible.” Saying it in a playful way may open the door to a deeper conversation. Then I might say something like “If you and I were more compatible what would that look like?” Then listen deeply. Simply listen. Resist the temptation to explain why you believe you are compatible. When we listen deeply without correcting in any way, men often keep talking. There might be a need that he isn’t getting that he hasn’t articulated yet. Once you understand what he feels is missing you can give him more of what he craves.
Kanya
Hi Susan and Veronica, I think it is a natural response sometimes to think a guy is a creep or a jerk when they behave in a manner that confounds us! I don’t think this guy is a creep, I just think that his focus in life is not on this relationship at this time. And even if it was, as Laura said above, he probably would not be communicating as much as Veronica would want to communicate. People are different and show their feelings differently. As Alison Armstrong says, ‘Men are not misbehaving women.” They are just different!
Veronica, I get the sense that you are really wanting this to turn into a relationship now. I am feeling a lot of pressure and an only imagine the amount go pressure you are feeling. It is very important for you to realize that this he is not the only guy on the planet. You live in a city where there are literally millions of single men. What are you doing these days to get out there and meet some of them? Are you embracing the Abundance Dating principle? This seems like it would be an empowering process for you to feel desirable to other men.
I really suggest you take a big step back and stop feeding this relationship for now. He appears to be taking you for granted which means he knows you will be there no matter what. Now is not the time to profess your feelings for him as this will not make much of a difference until he is more engaged. Instead, now is the time to be less engaged. Think of this as a marathon, not a sprint. It could take months to really get this man to connect with you on a deep level. The fact that you two live so far apart means that you need to treat this carefully, feeding it a little at a time. And, please don’t put all of your focus on this. Start to date other men and see what is available to you in your own city! Who knows, you could meet someone who is already the man you want this guy to be.
Kanya
Hi Purnima, It sounds as if you are making progress. I would suggest you leave it for a few days, connect and start a conversation, then leave it again for a few days. Shy people are usually introverts and need time to go inside and process interactions on their own. Giving him a few days of space every now and then will help him do this.
It takes longer for shy people to build trust and safety to just be themselves so don’t worry if it seems to be going at a glacial pace. The truth is, once you gain a shy person’s trust they can become very loyal to you. Try it for a few weeks and see if he starts to come out of his shell a bit more. And, when possible during these conversation try to fit in a touch on the arm every now and then. You can of this!
Kanya
I encourage you to be honest with him about the possibilities you see with the two of you. However, I would caution you about rushing into this too quickly. While you both clearly feel connected and love each other you don’t know each other well enough to make a life time commitment and/or to create a life. I agree with Laura that even though you feel rushed, take a bit of time to lay a more solid foundation. Without a solid foundation it is difficult to build a solid future.
Kanya
Hi Lily, Thanks for sharing about some past experienced. Clearly they are tied in to some emotions that get triggered in this situation. Often just being aware of the connection and allowing ourselves to be fully present with what is can help to heal those old wounds.
I really want to a acknowledge you. Your calmness and confidence comes through in your words. You have done such an amazing job creating the best version of you. Keep up the good work!
Kanya
Hi Minh,
It sounds as though you and Z have been having some important conversations. I wonder if these conversations have made you more confident in this connection or less confident? As I read through your questions I started to feel a sense of anxiety which I imagine is a reflection of what you are feeling in relation to Z. I wonder, when you were reading the Attached book did you recognize your attachment style? I’m not sure what your usual style is but in relation to this man you seem to anxious about the attachment. It sounds as though you need more than Z can give you. We can all learn to compromise but at some point, when we compromise too much, we can start to feel anxious, insecure, and frustrated. I’m wondering if you have gotten to that place with Z?
I wonder if some of your desire for him is born out of his animosity? His distance seems drive you for more closeness which makes him pull away, which makes you go towards him. Over time this can be an exhausting dynamic. You mention that there is a great guy who is available. While you don’t have to make any final decisions, what if you started to date men who were more available? It would be good to see how you react to available men in general. Weather or not you choose to date other men it is important for you to take a step back and get a little distance and some new perspective. I can’t say if you are wasting your time with him but I will say that you are giving far more in this relationship than he is. If this continues, you will continue to feel frustrated and insecure.
Here is an exercise that I do with my cleats who are trying to make a decision about whether or not someone is a good fit for them. Make a list of the 10 things that are most important to you in a relationship; humor, emotional connection, quality time, shared adventures, etc. Be honest with yourself while you do the exercise . Then, look at the list and check the top 5 aspects most important to you. Think about why they are important and how having them or experiencing them would feel. Then, of those 5, pick the top 3. It is important that you be with someone who can give you those top 3 aspects. If a guy gives you some things on your list but not those top 3, you won’t ever feel like you are getting what you really need. And, you deserve to have what you really want and need!
Kanya
Hi Mary, I’m glad you are reaching out for some support. It sounds as though the two of you have a positive relationship and with just a few weeks you could both be getting more of what you need.
Men often do better writing their thoughts in an email or text as they have time to gather their thoughts and not get volatile. I actually think he did a good job expressing his needs. It sounds as though you have been very supportive in this situation and it seems like hemal be referring to something else. Perhaps, without realizing it, you have occasionally used a tone that he finds negative. No judgment, just something we all need to be more aware of.
Have you read about the Respect Principle in James work? If not I highly recommend it! I also recommend that you also read the Rewrite your Relationship report. I think it will help you reconnect so some different ways of communicating that might get you more of the connection and attention you want with him
I also would suggest that you create more activities and friendships in your life so that when he is off hiking with friends you are doing something fun and exciting. Take a look at the reports and feel free to ask more questions about what you are learning. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, I’m sorry you have been through so much difficult and paint last few years. AS I read your story I was really struck by all of the ups and downs you have faced in life as well as in love.
You may not like this idea but I get the sense that the place to start is with your life and your relationship to your life. Perhaps it is time for you to create a solid foundation financially and otherwise in your life first. Women can sometimes get more focused on creating relationships at the sacrifice of creating their own stability.
There is a lot to process about this last relationship. I encourage you to process this first before you attempt to repair the relationship. Take your time to sort out what happened, how you both treated each other, and who you each are. At the end of that you may want to rewrite the relationship but I promise you will do it from a more empowered place. Up to know you have been acting like he is the prize that you need to be happy but the truth is the other way around. Until you get tot hat place I believe any attempt to get him back will result in bad, misguided behavior on his part.
Focus on reading the reports of this sight that relate to understanding yourself more and feeling more empowered. Also take some time to set some goals for yourself and create an action plan to meet those goals. I would hate for you to be in a position again in the future where you need someone to move in to help you financially. When this happens we can compromise on important things without even realizing it.
Focus on taking care of you and feeling stronger for a few weeks before you take action with your ex. IF you can do this and decide to rewrite the relationship you will do so from the place of a strong, empowered woman who doesn’t need a man but who would be an amazing prize for any man. I hope this help. Feel free to chime in with anymore questions. you can do this!
Kanya
Hi Lily, I agree, Step 5 of Rewriting your Relationship can seem daunting so I encourage you to break it down into smaller pieces. You want to create that strong inner boundary about this relationship. He is not committed to you, he doesn’t own your time or your body and it is important that your behavior communicate this to him. It can be subtle but it is important.
The guild that you write of above is clearly heart felt. I might streamline it a bit but the message is beautiful. You mention about that you are starting Step 3. If this is still the case, focus on going step by step. If you do so then Step 5 may not seem as dating to you when you get there. Focus on Step 3 then when he comes to see you present in Orlando, engage Step 4 by asking him for a favor. When he completes that favor, compliment and praise him and share the ways is which this favor has made you happy.
You are doing so much, learning so much, and applying all of this beautifully. I hope you are also remembering the engage the idea of Abundance Dating. This will help you feel more desirable and will communicate to him that you may not be available for long. Keep engaging the steps and trust your instinct. Please keep us posted as we are here to support you in your journey!
Kanya
Hi Mandy, Sounds like an exciting opportunity. I would proceed slowly. My guess is this man has access to many woman so you will want to differentiate yourself from them in some way. I would only be reading out to him once a week if that for now. Send a light, funny text and leave it at that. You want to create a sense of mystery with him at this point.
If you see him again while playing, don’t chase him. Let him chase you. That is far more interesting to men. I would certainly recommend you be dating other people. That will help to distract you and focus your energy on other men. One thing I will say is that men who are powerful like their relationship to be real. If you can slowly develop a friendship with this man. over time he may begin to think of you as more than a friend. When you do text (again, weekly if that) mention things that are important to him so that he starts to feel like you get him. This is very important to a man as they need to know they can develop a deep connection with the woman they love.
I get that you have all this energy pointing towards him at this moment but I think it would be best to pull back and regroup. Why? Because he has many, may woman who are focusing their attention on him. This is the norm for him and he may be in a place of taking that for granted. Instead be the woman he needs to reach out to and chase.It may take some time but if you really care for him it will be worth going slowly. You can do this!
Kanya
