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Thanks for letting me know. This link is gone but I found this great video, also by Brene Brown, on blame. So helpful as we all go there sometimes.
Hi Nausicaa, I would imagine that you are feeling confused at this point which is understandable. My first question is have you taken a look at the “Relationship Rewrite Method” I think you will find a lot of answers to your questions in the information shared in that report. I would recommend you read that when you can then touch back in with questions and thoughts. At this point you really are trying to rewrite the relationship so this is a great place to start.
Looking forward to hearing what you think!
Kanya
Hi Lolita, So glad you are here! A few things come to mind as I read this. It seems he is confused but perhaps he is looking for some validation about where you two are heading. I’m not suggesting you sit down and have a ‘talk’ with him. This scenario tends to send men screaming in the other direction. Instead, reassure him of your feelings through your behavior. Begin to compliment the qualities you see in him that matter to you. When he shows you caring thank him and let him know how special that behavior is to you. You don’t need to use a lot of words but when you do tell him try to make eye contact, smile, and touch his arm lightly. In doing this you will start to show him that he does bring a lot to your life.
I would also consider additional ways to boost your confidence. From what you shared it seems that at times you push your feelings away rather than letting yourself get overwhelmed and reaction. I think you might build more confidence by allowing yourself to feel you feelings an learning how to comfort and reassure yourself. Learning to provide emotional support to yourself will serve two purposes; first, you won’t be dependent on anyone else to make you feel good and second your confidence will increase because you are taking good care of yourself. When we can do this we naturally feel better and more confident.
I would also encourage you to read the report on flirting. I sense that will also help you feel more confident and help him see you in a different light. Hope this helps! Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I get how confounding his behavior can be. Because you are someone who wants to communicate and work through things it must make you feel a bit crazy when he won’t even attempt it. That is the reason I am encouraging you to let go. His behavior is so extreme and shows no signs of changing. Overtime it will upset and frustrate you even more. I’ve seen woman who are strong and confident change into fearful, anxious woman who doubt themselves in all areas of their life. I certainly don’t want that for you.
I know if must be really hard at this point but I promise that if you keep moving forward and focus on getting your sense of self back you will feel a lot better in the next few weeks!
Kanya
Hi Jana, I think sparking his hero instinct is a good place to start. He is asking so he is interested on some level. I would also suggest you read Rewire your Relationship report to get some additional ideas about how to proceed.
You mention that you spent 3 weeks with him. I’m to sure what the circumstances were but I would encourage you to avoid becoming a friend with benefits. You want more and can possibly get more if you allow the interest, then passion to build! Your intuition is strong about how to move forward which is great. Trust your inner sense and take the steps to reengage him.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I would imagine that you may be feeling very overwhelmed and confused at this point. I am glad that you are reaching out for some support to figure this out. First, I want to acknowledge you for your willingness to take responsibility for your actions. That will go a long way in forming a solid bond with someone. However, I’m not sure the degree to which he is taking responsibility for his actions and this concerns me.
It appears that he continues to give you mixed messages. You go forward, he retreats. You retreat, he moves forward. Every couple has this dance to one degree or another but the extreme nature of his withdraw makes it impossible to form connection and emotional intimacy. When he contacted you after Christmas did he talk about his behavior and share any awareness or insight about his past retreats? My guess is this man has an attachment disorder in that he wants to connect with someone but once they are close-either physically or emotionally-they retreat. If they don’t get the space they need they often become mean to push another even further away.
Many woman will see this and think that they can fix someone like this. Please, do not attempt to do this. IT is difficult for someone to change even when they are fully committed and my sense is this man doesn’t even understand this is a problem so he is no where near ready or able to change.Even though this is difficult you do sound strong which is amazing! Given that you have tried to make this work several times I would step back and reevaluate. You have already put so many resources into this I think that continuing to do so would make you understandable angry and frustrated. You need to know that once you start to get over him he will most likely pursue you. Don’t be fooled. He has not changed and will repeat this pattern over and over again. You are best to move on and take all your skills and knowledge and apply them to a relationship with someone who can truly participate!
I would suggest you read a great book that I recommend to many of my clients. It’s called “Attached; the Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine. It does a great job explaining the different styles of attachment which I think would be helpful to you at this point. Moving forward I would encourage you to move more slowly with the men you date. Get to know them over the course of 6 months before you begin to put too many resources into the relationship. It pays to really get to know someone first and this just takes some time. I know it is difficult but you can do this!
All the best,
KanyaHi Viv, I want to start by acknowledging you and what you shared. I’m so glad that you are reaching out for support. You certainly are deserving of a wonderful loving and supportive relationship. It is brave of you to take this step and I admire you for it!
I also thought of a resource that you might find helpful. It is a great book called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. She does a great job laying out the 5 stages of building a relationship and how to move through each one. She also talks about how we can get stuck and have difficulty achieving success in one of the stages and steps to take to move forward. Given all that you share I get the sense that you might enjoy it and learn from it. Please do keep us posted as we are here to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Jessica, No need to apologize for your messages. We are hear to support you and I promise that all the messages and questions help everyone! We are building a community so of course we want you to ask for whatever support or understanding you need. Everyone here at Be Irresistible is committed to helped women grow in their understanding of themselves, men, and relationships.
I am really struck by how wise you are. It sounds as though you are starting to have some real revelations. I acknowledge you for this as I know it is not always easy to look within and take responsibility for our contributions in a relationship. AS you continue to do this you will develop more skills and abilities that you will bring to your next relationship. In some ways what you are doing now is planting seeds for the future which is a powerful way to build your life.
In terms of what to share with your guy, I would take a few more days to understand what happened for you before putting together a message to him. When you do reach out to him be sure to keep your message concise, take responsibility for your actions, and share the things that you really cared for and valued in him. Let go of the need to hear a similar message back from him as the point is for you to express yourself respectfully so you feel complete and in your integrity. The worse that can happen is the the two of you end as friends with a greater understanding of relationships.
Whatever happens, I know that you are going to have an amazing relationship one day soon. You are doing all you can to be the best you there is and there are so many men that will appreciate you and the strong, insightful, loving woman you are becoming!
All the best,
KanyaHi Jessica, I’m sorry that things are over. It is never easy to face and accept the ending of something that we imagined was full of potential.
In your note above you talk about feeling over things. I agree with Laura in that at this stage you didn’t have a lot to lose by walking away. Even though this is difficult I encourage you to be honest with yourself. Accepting who you both are, did this relationship really have the potential you imagined? It sounds as though you were having doubts and I encourage you to trust what your intuition has been telling you.
Often when a relationship ends our brain does this think were it focuses on the good of the relationship and forgets the bad. This happens even if we are thinking of ending it. I sense by what you are sharing this may be happening to you. For now I would encourage you to take some time, nurture yourself, and allow yourself to get better perspective before deciding if you want to contact him. You don’t share his reasoning for ending it which might give you a sense of whether reaching out to him would be effective at this point. One thing that may help is to write him a letter saying what you would like to say then rip it up. DO not send it as the purpose is for you to get your thoughts out without having to involve him at this point.
My guess is, if you are honest with yourself and give it a few weeks you may be happy to move on to a relationship that is a better fit for you. In the mean time be gentle with ourself, talk to friends who are supportive, and indulge yourself a bit. It may take some time but you will get through this!
Kanya
Hi Jill, I am so glad you are reaching out for some support. It can seem really confusing at times especially when it feels like he might be hiding some things from you.
If you want to turn this around I suggest you read “The Relationship Rewrite” report on this site. It is so helpful and full of ideas about how to proceed. One thing you should know is that this may not be a quick fix but something that will take some time-weeks or months-to turn around. But, if you can be patient and follow the steps it is likely that you will see some change in behavior. One thing I also suggest is that you get clear about what you want. If you want more than a sex buddy then you need to act accordingly. You can do this without venting to him about using you etc. It is important that you realize you allowed something to happen that didn’t really work for you. You were under the impression that things would change at some point but going forward I would encourage you to live in the present moment with this or any man. Rather than planning based on what might happen one day, focus instead of what is actually happening and act accordingly.
Take a look at the report and see how you can begin to incorporate some of the actions into your relationship with him. You can do this!
Kanya
Hu Siu, The 12 word text is in the “His Secret Obsession” report. There are also 2 curiosity phrases that you might find helpful. Take a look and please feel free to ask any questions about how to incorporate any of the information you are learning n this site! We are here to help!
Kanya
Hi Jessica, It sounds as if once you took responsibility for how you were feeling he was able to connect a bit and share some understanding with you. This is great. Often is trying to reengage men we can give them constructive feedback about ways they could be a better partner. Something this can be overwhelming to a guy and make him feel so bad at this relationship thing that they decide they aren’t good for the woman they really care for. Once we talk about what is going on for us it invites them to share more about what is going on for them.
That is a great question about igniting his hero aspect. I think that men feel like a hero when they can help us with something. Have you tried using the 12 word text to trigger his hero instinct? When used appropriately this can be very effective. As Laura shared, it can be found in “His Secret Obsession.” There are also some curiosity phrases that might be helpful.
Overall, it sounds as though you might need a reboot. While the begin of a relationship is super fun and exciting, it isn’t always realistic to expect that level of attention to be consistent. I guarantee he will notice your absence more than you presence at this time. He may have gotten complacent with you being there for him no matter what which at times can feel boring to a guy. Instead, text less! Wait until he initiates some texts and then take your time responding. Respond in a light hearted way and share about all the great things you are doing in your life and how well things are going. At this point he may feel that you need him to feel happy and complete and that can be overwhelming at this stage of a relationship. Reboot and get your life back on track so he isn’t the focus. I know that might seem counterintuitive but it will not make him feel abandoned. It will pique his interest and make him look forward to connecting with such a fun, happy woman! Give it a try over the next few weeks and see what happens.
Kanya
Hi Michelle, I acknowledge you for incorporating the lessons on this web site. I think for now you need to focus on his helping you with your project. His interest ad willingness are a good sign that he wants to spend time with you. Perhaps focus on building a friendship with him while also being flirty and incorporating the respect principle.
If you spend the together, you are getting along and your intuition tells you he is intersted than perhaps you need to take the lead and let him know that you are interested in developing a deeper connection. Saying it in a light and breezy manner and then giving him time to think about it might have the effects you are looking for.
For now, as I said, focus on the project and enjoy feeling 17 again!
Kanya
Hi Kellie, I’m so glad you’re reaching out for some support and insight. I hear that your feelings for this man run deep and that this is a relationship you would like to reignite.
Woman often connect sex with love but men can separate the two so you may want to stop having sex with him for a bit as I would imagine that this really confusing for you. You aren’t in a relationship so you are not obliged to continue to be intimate with him. I think it is important for you to get some space and perspective here so that you can start to feel more empowered!
I think reading some of the material on this site would definitely be helpful. First, I recommend the Relationship Rewrite Method. You can find it by going to the ‘menu’ tab on the upper left hand corner, then click on ‘your products link.’ The first product is the ‘The Relationship Rewrite Method.’ Download it and read through is 2 or 3 times so that you really grasp the message and steps. Then set out to do those steps with your ex. Take your time and see if you can rebuild something with this person. I know you have been in this for a long time but give it more time with a new focus and you may be surprised where things go!
Kanya
Hi Minh, I can understand why this is confusing. He clearly cares for you and I believe him when he says this isn’t about his feelings for you but about the lack of time in his life. Right now his career seems to be his priority. Some men need to build their career before they can settle down, other pick their queen and build a life together. My sense is he will need more time to get his career settled before he can truly focus the time and energy he knows he needs to focus on building a relationship.
I can imagine how difficult that is to accept. Right now the door is open but my sense is it will require a lot more sacrifice on your end in terms of accommodating his work schedule and focus. From what you’ve already shared I think that may be too painful and unsatisfying for you. What if you were to take a step back and let yourself get clear on what it is you want and are ready for. If what he is offering doesn’t satisfy what you need I think the answer is clear. Take a break from this relationship, date other people if you are up for that, and give yourself some time away from he thing that is so upsetting at this point.
It sounds like in two months you will both have a better idea of where his career is heading and if he can focus on the relationship.I know the tin the moment it is often difficult to be patient but when two people are considering building something together it sometimes takes time for everything to fall into place. Ultimately we don’t know where this will end up but for now a break might be good for you. You need time with friends, focus on your own career, and time to do the things you love to do. It seems you may have forgotten how awesome you are without this person. Take time to reconnect with that and perhaps you will have a different perspective on him and this situation. Take a pause for the cause!
Kanya
