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Hi Belinda, It sounds as if the two of you keep going back and forth. I’m wondering it it would be wise to back off until you are feeling better and are ready to talk. I would refrain from trying to communicate anything of significance in text or email as it is so easy to misunderstand tone and meaning. Instead, spend some time getting clear about what you want. Then sit down with him and have a conversation. Be sure to listen deeply to ensure that you understand what he is communicating. When you share try to use I statements as much as possible and take responsibility for your actions and emotions.
While it may be difficult to do so at times it is important as it can really assist a couple in developing a deeper level of emotional intimacy. During the conversation pay attention to how it feels as you communicate and as you listen. Sometimes it is difficult to understand something on a mental level but tuning into our physical reaction can help us clarify how we feel about a situation. Go slowly as you talk and make room for each of you to share as deeply as you can. My sense is you will come to a better understanding of whether this is a good relationship for you as the conversation unfolds. You can do this!
Kanya
HI Minh, I want to start by acknowledging your willingness to date someone new. It sounds like you really are taking every opportunity to try new experiences as you get more clear on what type of man, and relationship, fits best for you at this time.
It sounds as if you and this man shared a positive connection today! You shared that the date occurred earlier today. Of course there are exceptions, but in my experience, a man who is interested will contact you within the first 24 hours. You mention this man is rather reserved so he may take longer, we can’t say for sure. Of course you can reach out to him with a short and sweet message. Something like; I had a great time today. Thanks for (fill in the blank regarding something about the date that was special for you) I would refrain from asking him out or talking about getting together again – leave that to him for the time being.
All the best,
KanyaHi Purmina, It sounds as though things are progressing but it is still early. I suggest you find a way to do something one on one with him. Per haps you can think of something you need his help with the would trigger his Hero Instinct. What does he like to do that would be helpful to you. You might even just ask for advice about something he knows a lot about.
You could also invite him to do something together like going to a movie or play. Keep it light and fun and continue to flirt and be playful. Since he is shy he might need to spend more time together and develop a friendship before he is ready to take this to the dating level. It sounds like you are doing great so far so keep that up and look for ways to spend one on one time together!
Kana
Hi Troy Anne, What I am herring is that you two have been together for a long time and it seems like you are hoping to improve the relationship. It seems like your question is “what might be a reasonable time frame for your live-in lover or husband to consistently show, as James says in Endless Honeymoon, that he DOES, like me, WANT to make each other happy and ACTIVELY seeks ways to do so?” You shared a conversation the two of you had in bed recently and I’m wondering if this had a positive effect on the two of you and the relationship? TO me this is a process where it take time, care, and commitment to keep improving things each day.
Your boyfriend is dealing with PTSD and that may sometimes make it difficult for him to tune in to being more emotionally sensitive to you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you rather he is trying ti survive the tornado in his he’d and doesn’t have extra resources to give at that moment. I would certainly learn to tune in to this pattern so that you don’t take his insensitivity personally when it is present. I like the way you spoke to him the other morning but I would encourage you to maybe use less words when talking. Share a positive, make a results, the share the benefits of him giving you the request, then let him process. Focus on taking small steps and building over time. It sounds like you both want to be together and make this work. It is important that he see he can make you happy so when he does acknowledge it and let him see the happiness flowing through your actions and behaviors!
Kanya
Hi Angie,
I think that reading the Relationship Rewind is perfect for you at this time! It will give you a lot of ideas about how to proceed with him. It sounds like he is still very interested he is emotionally fatigued with the fighting and the sense that he can’t please you. So, you need to show him with your behavior that he can please you. Let him help you, share that you are grateful that he is in your life, let small positive interactions mean something bigger to you and let him know this.
For now I would suggest taking a break from sleeping with him. I know this can be difficult but being friends with benefits isn’t really the way to go as I don’t believe it will reengage him at this time. Instead, be the fun and supportive girl he has been missing. Be in the moment, enjoy your time together, and take some of the pressure off for the next few weeks.
Men need to know that they can make us happy and it seems like he felt that he wasn’t making you happy. Let him know, in short conversations that don’t become heavy, that you realize now that you weren’t acknowledging how happy you were. Saying something like, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I realize I didn’t always do a good job of telling you how much I appreciated you. You were a really good boyfriend and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I wasn’t happy or that you weren’t doing enough.” Then stop talking and just give him some time to absorb this. Go back to just having fun knowing that even if he isn’t talking about what you said, he is thinking about it. You will want to share more but given the heaviness the two of you have experienced in the past few months less is definitely more at this time.
Send him the occasional fun text reminding him of something fun you two did or a private jock. This will go a long way to him releasing his fear of more intense conversations and emotions. While you are reading the Relationship Rewind think about the interventions listed and then imagine how to apply thins to your situation. Don’t try to do it all at once, a little at a time will be best. Hang in thee, there is still a lot of love here and it sounds like with some time you and he can heal the hurt and get back on a positive track!
Kanya
Hi Minh, I’m glad you are reaching out for some support. It does sound as if you may not be clear on what it is you want. I found it curious that after an initial good first date with M you called him 2 days later to break up with him. And then later you broke up with him again. And, now you are considering calling off the date with R. It seems as though you aren’t communicating your concerns with M and giving you both the opportunity to work things through. You broke up with him via text rather than having a conversation about what happened. I realize that having these kinds of conversations (actual conversations, not text version) can be difficult but it seems like that is an important skill to learn. I wonder if you and M talked about your concerns and your tendency to misunderstand one and other that you could resolve some of those issues and learn how to communicate with less upset.
I’m not sure how long you have been divorced, or if perhaps you are in the process of getting divorce. You may still be in the period of time where you are adjusting to being divorced and trying on different options for your future. If so this is normal and it will most likely take some time for you to have your freedom and space before you are ready for anything serious. I also sense that you may have moved too quickly with M and are possibly going to move too quickly with R. I’m not sure ow old you were when you married but in some ways it sounds as though you have the opportunity to become more mature in your relationship skills. That makes sense to me as the last time you dated was 21 years ago and you are a different person now.
Perhaps you need to just take some time, decide what you are ready for, then date a man who seems to be ready for the same thing. Knowing what you want is important because it tells you so much about what you are looking for in a relationship. Right now I would avoid playing these 2 men off of one and other. That isn’t fair to them or to you.
Given where you are in life, you age and focus, you might not need to have a traditional relationship. The reality is you can build whatever kind of relationship you want with the right person. This will require communication on your part and on his (who ever he turns out to be). It will be important to not pull the plug on the relationship when things become difficult. All relationships have their difficulties so you need to learn how to work through them. I believe you can do this if you are willing to slow things down and be more open about your needs once you know what they are!
I hope this is helpful.Please let me know if you want additional thoughts and ideas!
Kanya
Hi Julie, My initial response was in agreement with you sharing that you weren’t going to reach out to him again until you heard back from him.
I think both Laura and I are saying to move slowly. Reaching out to him is important but when he hasn’t responded to several texts it is time to wait it out until he initiates some contact with you. He may pull back at times but he does seem to reconnect. If you can enjoy the current situation that would be great. However, that might mean basically being friends until comfort level and trust are built. If you love him this may be difficult for you as you can’t know how long it will take for that trust to be built. From my experience, the tools on this sight are helpful in bringing a man closer to you. Some men respond quickly and others take more time. If you can focus on building a deep and loving friendship for now, and enjoying that connection, it might take some pressure off. I hope that clarifies things and answers your questions.
All the best,
Kanya
Hi Diana, It seems like that might be best for now. As Laura shared, he may be feeling an already difficult situation more deeply. Given that he most likely doesn’t have a lot of resources left to give to building a relationship at this time. My sense is he is a great guy but he, and his life, are clearly complicated at this time. Perhaps it is time to make a break and move forward. As you said, he has the option of reaching out to you when things settle down a bit but I would hate for you to wait for someone of something that may not be coming. While you have some emotional investment my guess is that you may move forward more quickly than you think if you choose to let go.
It sounds like you are taking care of yourself in all of this which is great. Maybe a little time and space would be good for you as well. Be well and feel free to reach out again as we are happy to support you!
Kanya
Hi Julie, How great the two of you were able to reconnect. It sounds like both of you were feeling similar over the years. So now what? I’m wondering if he needed some time to digest everything? IT may be too soon to know what will come of this connection but there are a few things you can do that may help build a connection.
First I recommend you read “His Secret Obsession.” IT is something that James wrote that you can access on this site. It is filled with so much amazing information. I promise that you will learn about men, their thinking process and learn to understand them on a deep level. I suggest you read it before you do anything else! There are ways to approach your guy that will encourage him to respond and you will find these in “His Secret Obsession.”
Overall I would refrain from saying anything about missing him or wanting to see him again. If he reaches out to you (and I believe he will) be friendly and light but end the communication before he does. Make your life really full so that you aren’t depending on him to feel good about yourself.
Read through the report and check back with any questions you have. Can’t wait to hear what you think.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, That is a great question. One way to spot this is to notice if a guy never shares anything personal or specific. IF you get texts like; hey, how’s your day, what up etc he may be fishing to see who responds. If, however, he sends texts that are specific to your interactions and things you’ve both shared with each other it is probably real. As always, trust your intuition on any guy and any communication. You can learn more about this by reading the report of trusting your intuition. I highly recommend it!
Kanya
Hi Lin H, Think about what you know about him. What interests has he talked to you about? What does he like to do in his free time? Use what he has already shared to learn more about what his natural abilities are. Then use those clues to ask for help and/or advice.
I’ll give you an example. I recently moved into a new home. While I am really good at home improvement projects, my boyfriend is good at them as well. So, even though I am really independent and can do most of the improvement on my own, I was able to trigger his hero instinct by asking him for help. He is really excited by this, has left some tools at my house, and as a result we are spending a lot more time together. Sometimes he does things differently than I would but I focus on the fact that he is helping and even call him ‘my hero’ sometimes. HIs face lights up when he knows he is making me happy.
So think about his interests and ask him to teach you or help you in those areas. I hope this helps!
Kanya
Hi Toni, I really acknowledge you! For such a young woman it is clear that you are committed to learning and understanding yourself which is amazing! In working on your core needs you want to develop confidence and feel good about yourself. When you can do that regardless of what a guy is or is not doing then you are there!
One book I would definitely recommend in “Attached; The Science of Adult Attachment.” IT explains the 3 different attachment types, anxious, avoidance, and secure, and how to work with each of them. I sense that you might have an anxious attachment style. This will mean that you have a difficult time when things are unclear in a relationship or starting out. There are a lot of things you can do to become more secure in your attachment!
I also wanted to share that while this guy may feel like the only one for you, that is an illusion. There are many guys out there who would be ready for a real relationship. Be sure to consider guys who are willing to go slowly and take their time actually building something real. You are young enough that you don’t need to make any decisions about who to be with at this time. Just do your best with this guy and if he isn’t ready or doesn’t get how amazing you are then move on. You have the right to be with a great guy that is trustworthy and consistent!
Kanya
Hi KH, You can find the 12 word trigger and more amazing information on the “How to Become his Secret Obsession” program which you can access on this site. While I could give you the 12 word trigger I think it is important to understand why it works and how it will affect a man. Also, there are a lot of additional pieces of information that you could use in this situation. Take a look, apply some of the recommendations, and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
