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That is great advice, Cynthia. You do have a lot to feel proud of DF. While you feel you are a work in progress it is important to note that we are all works in progress inner own ways!
Kanya
Hi Julie, I’m glad that your last meeting went so well. I think it is perfect timing to read the Relationship Rewrite and begin to apply the steps to your txts and any future interactions. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Coleen, I can understand why you are feeling confused. It seems like the two of you do have a sweet connection. I’m so glad that you have had the experience of connecting with someone, and loving someone, after you lost your husband. That must have been very difficult and I really acknowledge you for having the courage to move forward.
I agree that it is difficult to know what he is thinking in this situation. My overall sense is that he is fearful in this situation and perhaps is feeling a bit in over his head in terms of how his emotions are getting triggered in all of this. I agree that his timing is interesting given where the two of you were and now that he is in the US he does seem to be taking his time getting back to Canada.
I understand how it would make things seem easier if he was more clear about what he wanted. However, I wonder if it would be helpful to take some time to get clear on what you want. How do you feel about the man who is pursuing you in your window group? Do you feel a connection with him? Would you be interested in getting to know him if you weren’t involved with someone else? While you two made no commitments to remain exclusive there does seem to be some unspoken understanding that you will not date others people. Is this what you truly want or is part of you thinking that it might be worthwhile to date?
I think that once you get clear it might be easier for you to know how you would like to move forward. I also think that his behavior in the next few weeks may tell you more about his intentions. I do think that he has true feelings for you. You know what those months together were like and you can trust that. I do think he is conflicted about whether or not he will return. This conflict could be for several reasons though it is difficult to know what those reasons are if he is not sharing.
Have you tried becoming less available to him? By that I mean taking longer to respond to his texts and actually getting busy in your life so that you aren’t waiting to hear from him? If you can change the dynamic a bit from you feeling like you are pursuing him to him beginning to pursue you that would be a good time to ask some of the questions you noted. Specifically I would state the questions in a neutral way like; “it sounds like it is hard for you to know if you are coming back. It’s hard for me to know what that means.”
The challenge is that you both said one thing, no commitments to remaining exclusive, and you are both acting like you are trying to have a long distance relationship which is why you get upset when he doesn’t do that as well. Give it more space and see what occurres. He may stay as connected as he has been or be may start to distance as time goes by. While this would be painful, I think it would be good for you to see as it would give you the freedom to pursue something that would be more real at this point.
I realize it is difficult but give it a bot more time and see if you can neutral talk about the situation. It seems you two have been able to do this in the past and I think you could do it again. I also recommend you look at some of the reports that talk about long distance relationships to get some ideas about how to manage this in a way that helped you feel more confident! Let us know how things go after you initiate some of the recommendations!
Kanya
Hi Jan, What a great opportunity. I hope that you are pleased with it outside of the proximity to him. It is important that you make these types of decisions based on what is best for you and your future.
Since he hasn’t responded to your ‘confession; I would hold off on telling him about your new local. I really like what you shared above about no wanting to turn things around just yet. Actually moving and creating your own community is super important. You need that for yourself whether or not the two of you get back together! I know that you are planning on ending a text acknowledging his cousins birthday. Past that I would take a bit of a break, give it some time and then just as you are moving maybe send him a very brief text. IN it let him know that you hope he is well and that you are busy with the move. Let him know you will be closer and would love to grab coffee to catch up. Then let it go and see if/how he responds. I know this is difficult but a lot of patience is required to get through this stage. Hopefully he will feel happy about you being closer and will reach out to set something up.
In the mean time I hope you are practicing the abundance dating concepts. These are so helpful to feeling desirable which is exactly what you deserve to feel!
Kanya
Hi DF, It sounds as if the two of you have been able to build some deep connection with this man. I acknowledge you for taking a very difficult situation and finding some value in it.
As you share with one and other and begin to create a deeper bond I would expect that one or both of you would have some strong feelings come forward. Some of these feelings might be painful and upsetting. If that were happening with your friend he might feel the need to disconnect for a few days to process and rebalance. I would enjoy your communication and begin to learn what each of your needs are for connection and space.
If you want to bring it up I would do so in an easy way. Perhaps you want to say something like, “I love hearing from you and connecting. It really makes me feel happy. Some of my guy friends share that they need time off from communicating every now and then. Just wanted to let you know that if you ever need that I’d totally understand. Of course you can put it in your own words in a way that feels authentic to you. Notice that I didn’t say anything about you having caused his temporary disappearance and that is important. Why? Because it could make him feel bad or guilty for needing the occasional break which we don’t want him to feel. For now talk about it as a normal need that you understand.
I also want to say that I acknowledge you for opening up your heart to a new man. I would imagine that it takes a lot of courage. You’re doing great! I hope you keep us posted.
All the best,
Kanya
Hi Viv, I can understand why you are feeling confused. It sounds like you two do have a nice connection so let’s not panic just yet.
I’m wondering if he might be feeling overwhelmed with seeing you in a few weeks. Not because he doesn’t care for you but because he may not be sure about where this will go and if he is able to give you what you need. I suggest you take a step back and give him some space. When he does reach out (and I believe he will) be lighthearted about things and don’t ask about his absence or where the relationship stands. That could be a conversation for when the 2 of you are together.
For now be strong, try not to read into this and do your best to see this as just a need on his end for some space. Men process differently than us and often pull away when they need to think something through. Please take care of yourself and distract yourself from your worries. Spend time with friends and do things that nurture yourself. We don’t yet know what is happening so let’s just take a few breaths and let him make the next move.
All the best,
KanyaHi Jan, so glad to hear that you are getting value from this program! I have found it so useful for my clients as well as helping me remember how to really be loving to my guy as well!
In answer to your question, I think that sending him a short text with your confession, then an upbeat happy birthday text a few days later makes sense. After that I would certainly be texting on a less frequent basis so he has the time and space to miss you and reach out to you. While you will want to text, remember that he needs more space than you and maybe more space than you can conceive to be able to change his direction and trajectory. Also, I think it would be good for you to begin to refocus your mental and emotional energy back to your life, school, friends, etc. This will take a lot of pressure off of the situation. Get happy and busy in your life and let yourself forget about him for a bit so that you can rebalance your life.
All the best,
KanyaHi, It seems like this is an important value to him and one that can be confusing to both of you at times. That makes sense because sex is a natural desire that you want to share with someone you love. I would encourage you to get clear about what you really want. If is is marriage then I would refocus your energy on creating the kind of relationship that would lead to marriage.
I would read through the “His Secret Obsession” report and begin to implement some of the suggestions. True lasting love isn’t really about sex, it is about feeling like you are best friends that that you understand each other more than anyone else int he world. At this point so you thin that is what you two are to each other? If not you can begin to build that with each other and make that the focus on the relationship.
If avoiding sex outside of marriage is important to him, I would encourage you to consider making this important to you as well. Since sex causes him conflict at the moment, perhaps it is time to take it off the table. Let him know that you want to support his needs and that you won’t participate in =that outside of marriage. This may create an even deeper bond with him that having sex does.
However, if this call goes against your values I would encourage you to look at the bigger picture. Do you both aspire to live a life with similar values? Are you spiritual or religious in the same way? If not how will you deal with these differences and the potential obstacles they present? Be realistic with your expectations. While people can change their behaviors they shouldn’t, and probably can’t, change their values or core beliefs about life.
If you share the came values then talk to him about what he needs and wants and share your vision with him. Then you will know the direction you are heading and what the ultimate goal is. Hope this helps.
All the best in love and life,
KanyaHi Raquel, I’m not sure what led to the break up but there are things you can do. First, start by reading the Relationship Rewrite and begin to implement the steps. Go to the self esteem link Laura mentioned about and read through it. Whatever this new woman is she can’t hold a candle to the fact that you have a 10 year history with this man and have a child together. I encourage you to begin to feel the value of your history with this man and stop being intimidated by this new woman.
There are many ways to get things back on track. Start with the Relationship Rewrite and consider what he has shared about what upset him in the past. Really do some soul searching and when you are ready, talk to him about the past and the ways in which things were said or done that caused pain. It is important that he sense you respect his needs and this is one way to do so.
Also, look through the various reports and read about flirting, abundance dating, and anything else that appeals to you right now that would help you feel stronger in this situation. Without realizing it you have so many inner qualities that he is already in love with but just need to show him, and yourself, again. This may take some time but go through the steps one by one and have faith. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Jan, I’m glad to hear that the two of you are still testing. Clearly there is caring between the two of you which is an important beginning.
I can understand your worry that he might be over it but we just don’t know where he is or where he could be so I suggest you focus on how you would like to proceed as that is really the only place you have control over at this point. I would certainly recommend you read “The Relationship Rewrite” before you respond again. It outlines the 12 steps to getting the relationship back on track which I think would be super helpful to you. I recommend you read it through once then read is a second time as you begin to integrate the steps. Go step by step, willing to be patient, and see if it begins to shift things for the two of you. Please keep checking on and let us know how it is going! We’re here to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Jodi, Great work. I so acknowledge you for your patience and willingness to go slowly and implement what you are learning. It really demonstrates how much you care for him and how willing you are to put effort into making this a wonderful experience for both of you! So glad things are back on track. Keep up the good work!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Actually, it sounds as if you are doing many somethings the right way. My sense is that he may not be ready to get back together but he is spending time in your world which is very positive. I’m not sure how frequently you are reaching out to him but I would cut that down significantly. It sounds like he is needing his space so i would give him that space. Maybe once a week I would send him a brief, light hearted text. Let time be your friend as it may take time for him to be ready.
Since I don’t have a greater understanding of the relationship I will just say to focus on being his friend if and when he begins to engage more. IN the mean time, read some of the repots about flirting and abundance dating so you begin to fill up your life with fun activity and meaningful connections. This will make you happier and also make it easier to give him his space without feeling that familiar sense of panic that something needs to change ASAP. While it may be difficult at first, you can do this!
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, I get the sense that this is really difficult and confusing. I would go to the Irresistible Insights section on this sight and read through some of the reports. There is one titled “What to do When he Pulls Away” that might be good for you to read at this time. There are also reports on flirting and abundance dating that could be helpful as well. I would read through those and begin to create a strategy about how you want to proceed. Start small, based on what you read, and see how he responds. You don’t have to do nothing at this point but read the reports so you get a sense of what action would ave the most leverage at this point. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Julie, It sounds pretty confusing. he two of you seem to have but a great connection since the fall. My guess is that something spooked him and maybe reminded him of something in the past that was hurtful or he imagined how the behavior would play out in the future and didn’t like the outcome. Either way, I’m so glad that you are reaching out for some support.
I suggest you start by reading the Relationship Rewrite.” It will give you a lot of information along with ideas about how to approach the situation. Also, have you been able to really see his concerns as real even if you don’t agree with them? It sounds like on at least 2 occasions he felt like you were choosing to talk to another guy (even if they were just friends) rather than him. Did either of his ex-wifes cheat on him or give him reason to question their actions. If so this behavior, though innocent to you, may have given him some concerns.
For ow, read the Relationship Rewrite before approaching him again. Let that information in and process it a bit. You may see things differently as a result. Then, when you are calm and can really take responsibility for the concern your behavior caused, ask him to meet for coffee (no alcohol at this point). Apologize one more time and let him know that you can understand why those things may have caused him concern. Don’t explain it in a way that says he shouldn’t feel that way. Instead let him know that you would never want to do anything that was hurtful and that given a chance you would do things differently. Don’t ask for another change just let him see that you really understand where he is coming from. Only stay for about an hour no matter how great things seem to be going, leave him with the desire to reconnect.
If this is all that is going on for him I think you have a good chance of mending the fence but we can’t say what the speed of that process will look like. If you really want to be in a relationship with this person then it would be worth it to see if it can be repaired. If you do this things and he is still hesitant than other things might be going on for him and it may be in your best interest to end things and move on. you aren’t at that place yet but if that does come to be realize you can do that and create an amazing relationship with someone who is an even better fit for you.
Kanya
Hi Rachael, I would love to help and answer your questions. The challenge is, I’m not really clear about what you are experiencing. Do you think you could be specific about the messages and acts of kindness that are occurring for you? You mention that you think he is ‘indirectly and by alternative methods’ contacting you. Can you share specifically what that means so that I can better assist?
Kanya
