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Hi Penelope, This is a great question. I am assuming that you have apologize when things went down. At this point, as the two of you are working to rebuild, I would focus your energy on being yourself and giving this all you have. Have you read “The Relationship Reright Method?” It outlines a clear path with steps to get your relationship back on track. It is super easy to follow and it is filled with a lot of amazing insights from James.
My sense is if this is on hims mind he will ask about it. If you sense he is struggling you can always say something like, “If there’s every anything you want to talk about just let me know.” Then show him some form of affection and reassure him the you are there and that there is no place else you want to be.
As the two of you rebuild trust things will start to get back to normal. You may notice that he needs to know where you are more than in the past or that he doesn’t like when you are out with friends having af ew drinks. That is normal given the circumstances. Just keep showing up, being loving, and over time he will see who you are and the trust will be rebuild.
Kanya
Hi Svetlana, While his concerns seem silly to you, I think it is amazing progress that he actually shared a concern with you. I hear that it seems like there may be other things on his mind but for now let’s focus on the dog. Maybe start to show him the ways you could maintain the dog while he is still coming back on the weekends.
As James so eloquently shared, this isn’t really about the dog. I think this is about your boyfriend sharing a need and waiting to see ho you will handle the situation. Can the two of you work out differences respectfully and amicably? Does he feel that he truly has a voice in this relationship? Men often hold back from sharing because they don’t feel that their needs will be taken seriously. Let your BF know that you have thought about it and you understand this is a real concern to him and to you. Tell him you are happy to make some changes with the dog know so that you both can start to see what is possible.
He wants to know that your dog will not damage the new house. Show him this is possible by cutting the dogs claws and maybe even attending dog school if some additional training would be helpful. Encourage him to open up more so that you can problem solve together. My sense is if you treat this respectfully he will see you are willing to work on things that are important to him. That is what this is about but the subject of the dog gives you a great opportunity to show him how the two of you can work together to solve a problem.
Kanya
Hi Viv,Even though it has been 17 years I think you are doing great so far!
here is a report by James called “Conversation Topics Men Actually Enjoy.” I would start there and practice your skills of family and friends so that your confidence grows! Looking forward to hearing what you think.
Kanya
Hi Svetlana, I do wish you the best. I can understand why all of this is so difficult. I’m not suggesting you do anything different at this point but I do want to point out some differences between men and woman. These differences can often make it seem like we, women, are the only ones that truly care about a relationship. Men and woman have evolved differently on the past 100,000 years. Social anthropologist Jean Houston talks about how living in communities has helped woman develop, literally and figuratively, the ability to connect and sense the emotional needs of others. The past of our brain the tis responsible for this is 25% larger than a man’s. Consequently, many men become overwhelmed emotionally after a few minutes of conversation about relationships. While they do need to ‘think about things’ on their own, they probably won’t bring the matter up again. So, should you even decide to attempt one of these conversations but prepared to say something like, “I understand that you need some time to think about it, I cold probably use some time as well. Can we pick this up next week and see where we are at?” Then, be prepared to bring it up next week. The important thing to remember is that his not talking about things is more related to him just not having the natural skills to do so. It doesn’t necessarily reflect his level of care for you and this relationship.
Again, I am absolutely wishing you the best!
Kanya
Hi Viv, I have a sneaking suspicion that you might be more fun to be with than you realize. Just in case, here are some say to become even more fun:
1) relax – this is important because it allows ou to go with the flow and feel confident just being yourself.
2) keep things positive – this means talking about things in a positive light and seeing the best in people and situations
3) be willing to look or sound silly – it’s difficult to be fun if you are worried about how you look to other people. Think about it, when you look at kids having fun they don’t worry about what they look like or how they could because they are in moment and enjoying themselves. Adults who are fun tend to have these qualities as well.
4) ask interesting questions about other people and open up about yourself – this takes things from a surface level to a deeper level. When that type of intimacy is explored we build safety which allows us to feel more comfortable just being ourselves!Try some of these out with friends first so that you are more comfortable trying them out with someone you are interested in.You got this!
Kanya
Hi Svetlana, You certainly have the option of giving up but I’m wondering if that is what you really want or if you are feeling helpless about other options. Did you try to initiate the conversations that I outlined for you above? That would be my first suggestion. Second, I highly recommend you read “His Secret Obsession” to gain more insight.
I wonder if it would help to realize everything can’t be figured out right now. Give yourself some time, apply the things I mentioned, and see how things go. Let go of having to know anytime soon and enjoy your time together. This might take some pressure off of both of you which I think would be a good thing right now.
Kanya
Hi Minh, I can understand why this feels a bit confusing. I’m glad to hear that you didn’t feel sucked into the whirlwind this weekend. That is great progress and a nice demonstration of self care.
Have you considered saying to to some of his requests to spend time together. I’m wondering if that would be helpful for you as you are trying not to become attached to this man. I encourage you to consider how much time you are comfortable interacting with him and then follow that intuition. Otherwise you may end up falling for someone who will never be able to be your partner. At this point you have a lot of say over how this evolves, if this evolves. I encourage you to take advantage of that now rather than slipping further and further into this. I know if is difficult but you can do it!
Kanya
Hi Svetlana, I’m glad to hear that you’re continuing to spend weekends with your man. Sounds like that has been very helpful for you. I went back and looked at some of the earlier conversations that you and I Laura we’re having and I noted that a few months ago you let him know that you felt if he moved to Michigan without you that the relationship would kind of fall apart. I’m curious about how he responded to that back then? Did he say that he thought there would be ways to continue to be in a relationship? Did the two of you have an opportunity to talk about those things?
Perhaps it’s time for another open dialogue. The next time he’s in town just let him know how grateful and happy you are that he has been able to come back and spend time with you. Reinforce how much time together means to you and the degree to which it makes you happy. Temples a curiosity question to him. Something like, ” it’s been so nice spending this much time together I wonder how we can continue to see one another even if were living in different states? I’m curious if you have any ideas about how to do that? ” Then sit back and listen to his answer. Even if you disagree wholeheartedly with his answer respond as though you completely understand where he’s coming from. Do you want to make sure you validate his thoughts and feelings all of this so he keeps showing up to the table to have these discussions.
If you guys can be here is together you can begin exploring different ideas. Some of the ideas might seem impossible but as you continue to talk about them some possible ideas might start to come forward. In order to maintain an LTR it’s vital to keep the communication lines open. Being willing to talk about difficult things and stay calm and supportive it’s going to be very important.
Since he is more flexible with his job maybe he could come back once a month to spend time with you. And who knows, maybe you could work with your work place so that you could have a four-day weekend once a month so that you can go and visit him. I would encourage you to be creative and begin to really think outside the box on this one. I know that can be difficult as thinking outside the box can feeling comfortable. But it sounds as though the two of you have enough of a connection for you both to be willing to do things that are uncomfortable attempt to figure out what works for both of you. Remember, you didn’t expect to be seeing him this much at this point so maybe the future will continue to surprise you and powerful ways. I would definitely also look at the report on long-distance relationships at James wrote. I think you’ll have a lot of really good information for you that the two of you can begin to incorporate. And, I think it will help you understand the nuances of a LDR and hopefully will help you feel more confident about your ability to navigate this.
All the best,
KanyaGreat article, Laura. I think we can all fall into over pleasing our SO at times. Thanks for the great reminder!
Kanya
Hi Colleen, Sounds like you are doing a great job incorporating all that you are learning. Well done! Andy seems to be getting more clear about what he wants which is great. Both you and Svetlana bring up a good point which is not everyone on the internet is being honest or real with who they are and what they want. It is important to take care of yourself, trust your gut, and maintain clear boundaries with people until you meet them in person and over time they prove that they are who they say they are!
I look forward to hearing how things are going. Feel free to reach out with more questions or thoughts at any time!
Kanya
Hi Cynthia, It sounds like this situation is confusing and I can understand why. I get the sense that you aren’t really sure about this. Do you still have a boyfriend? If so then I wonder why you are wanting this connection with someone else so much. Often we see qualities in someone that we like and then assume that we are supposed to be with that person. If you are already in a relationship I would try to incorporate the attractive qualities you see in this other person into your current relationship. You mentioned passion with him but not with your BF due to you being busy starting your career. If he is still in the picture are you spending more time together developing more passion and connection?
This other guy seems to be good in the moment in that he is fun and connected but not so good at a distance when he needs to make some effort. I would pay attention to this as it points to his personality type. He reached out once when drunk, then responded to your FB message, but other than that doesn’t reach out and doesn’t respond to your attempts. I think if you continue to pursue him you will get more of the same lack or responsiveness, Instead, what if you focus your energy on what is in your life. If you are still with your boyfriend focus on that. If you are no longer together, focus on meeting men who are local and who can maintain connection and communication. Sometimes we meet someone that makes us feel really good initially and we can spend a lot of time pursuing them in hopes of getting that feeling back. If you look at how you have felt about yourself since class ended in relation to this person, what is the answer? Have you felt good about yourself? Felt supported? Felt valued? I know if it difficult but at this point you don’t have a lot of investment in this person and it may be best to move on rather than continuing to try to engage him.
Take some space to work on the life in front of you and see how he responds. Also consider what you really know about the kind of person he is and compare that to what you want from a partner. I don’t get the sense this guy is interested in anything serious or even causal at this time. Trust what his actions re telling you rather than what your imagine could be possible. Many of us can focus more on the potential but focusing on the reality is far better in the long run as it allows us to be honest with ourselves and others. I know this might be difficult to hear but it is important to be honest with you as I think you deserve far more that this person can give to you. Rather than waiting for him to change, go out there and create it with someone who is ore capable and available!
Kanya
Hi Liane, I think that a lot of people share the tendency to feel more comfortable becoming sexual as a way to feel close to someone rather than becoming more vulnerable. Vulnerability os more difficult and more uncomfortable. The challenge is, we need to be emotionally vulnerable to become close to someone on a deeper level.
I’m glad that you met someone you feel an attraction to. Before you get physical with him I would encourage you to get clear on whether or not he wants to have a relationship as it is important for you to have realistic expectations. Often times woman fall for the man they are sleeping with due to a complex biochemical response to sex and orgasms. Woman can then be surprised and hurt when a man can sleep with a woman and not fall in love. So, always be realistic in your expectations. The reality os, there a re a lot of different types of relationships and connections. You may find that you need a physical relationship at this time rather than a romantic one. This is fine and totally appropriate at different times in our life. If that is where you are and that is what you are looking for then it seems like this might be a good option.
If you are looking for more than that, if you really are ready for a relationship then I would refrain from getting involved with someone who wants a friends with benefits situation. SO while there is no right or wrong in this it is important to be clear about what you want and to make sure you are clear about what a man is looking for. In this way you can figure out if pursuing a relationship, or a sexual connection, is the right step for YOU at this time.
Kanya
That is great Debbie! It seems you are approaching this from a confident and secure place. Well done! Keep up the great work.
Kanya
