[Kanya D]

Hi Gabrielle, I can understand why you would be feeling so confused and frustrated at this point. It sounds as though this guys has taken you on many roles coaster rides in the past 2 years. I often see this type of situation in my coaching practice. When this type of behavior is occurring I encourage my clients to lower the volume. By this I mean, stop paying attention to what he says and pay attention to what he does. From now on understand that his actions are the truth not his words. I know that may sound strange but it is important. Otherwise you will continue to think his words are true and then be disappointed and hurt when he leaves again. And he will keep leaving. He’s in the process of doing it now. I’m so sorry if that his hurtful to hear. I’m not saying it to cause pain. Rather I want to be honest with you about what I believe is happening.

Just like people tolerate the sunlight or spicy foods in different ways, people also tolerate closeness and emotional intimacy in different ways. This may has shown that he can only tolerate it for short bursts of time. When he reaches his max, instead of taking time for himself and managing the need to get away, he become ‘foul’ in order to get his space. This is hurtful to you and your daughter. He doesn’t have the skills to do things differently. Until he is ready to heal this inside of himself, which would take time and effort, he will continue to come in and out of your life.

I can’t imagine how difficult it is a single parent to manage everything in your life. It must be helpful when he is there to assist. However, it is so inconsistent that I would imagine part of you in on edge not really knowing if you can count on him. And, your daughter is feeling that way as well. Right now she is learning that men come in and out of her mom’s life, creating joy but also great pain and confusion. Perhaps it is time for you to decide what you want for the 2 of you and then be honest about whether to not this man can give that to you.

You will need to get really strong inside yourself and determine what you want for yourself and your daughter. Be realistic with who this man is and let yourself trust what your gut is telling you! I highly recommend you read the book “Attached; The Science of Adult Attachment’ to understand your dynamic with this man more fully. For now, give him space. If he decides to go try not to argue with him but other pay attention to the drama playing out. You can do this without participating. I know it won’t be easy but in doing so you become less attached and will have more access to your inner voice and inner strength.

I know you can do this! Please keep checking in as we are here to support and encourage you!!!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Maria, I think that sitting back and allowing men to read our minds is a very 1950’s view or a relationship. I think that it led to a lot of confusion in relationships as well which was not beneficial to anyone. Men need to know what we want and need. It is important that we let them know when they are doing a good job and making us happy. Sounds like you have a very thorough grasp on the different theories related to building a relationship and are wise in your inner knowing about which are valid and which are somewhat outdated and ineffective. I’m looking forward to hearing you share more about your budding relationships as they unfold.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lani, That is another important piece of the puzzle. It make sense that he would be scared of what this means, scared of his feelings, and scared of being rejected again. I think it is fabulous that you were able to bring the gap on your recent visit. He probably was feeling highly vulnerable so he did push you away. I acknowledge you for being able to stay the course and figure out a way to reconnect with him. I’m sure that wasn’t easy and it does tell me a lot about your maturity and your ability to hold in a difficult situation.

I would expect things to move slowly with this man due to his past experiences. He will have moments when he seems uninterested in you. Hopefully over time he will be able to verbalize a need for some space which is more manageable than trying to understand confusing behavior. The best thing to do is be consistent, continue to give him positive feedback verbally and with your actions, and be willing to go slowly.

Overall it sounds as if you are doing an amazing job! Focus on building the deep emotional connection with him and that will help him, and you, manage his tendencies to pull away when he is feeling vulnerable. This is a long game relationship in that it could take months for the two of you to figure out how to do this dance together. I know you will keep bringing your best to this situation.

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Viv, I get that you are frustrated by his message and his behavior. I think the tis a natural response in a situation where you were sharing your caring with someone who doesn’t seem open to receiving it. However, I would not send this email. You’re understandably hurt but this letter was written in high emotional reaction to a very stressful day along with a strong reaction to his message.

Right now you may be taking his lack of desire and turning it into more distain that i think is present for him. Perhaps if you let yourself feel your upset and frustration,, comfort yourself, and get a different perspective you could respond differently. I understand that you are hurt and disappointed. That makes total sense but your words back to him will end the connection in a very negative way, in a way that I’m guessing you don’t really want to do.

Even if he isn’t interested romantically that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or that he thinks these things about you. I know it might be difficult to accept but maybe he cares for you and likes you like a real friend even if he doesn’t currently have romantic intentions.

I’m concerned that if you send this letter you will blow things up. While that may feel temporarily satisfying in the long run I think you might regret responding this way. I encourage you to take a few days and help yourself feel better about this before you respond to him. Write several versions of this letter to get out your anger and frustration, then let yourself cry the tears that are just below the surface. Then, when you are less hurt and upset respond. I know it is difficult to do but I think you will be happy that you did that in the long run!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

HI Minh, I think the biggest question is – can you have this kind of emotional connection and remain friends? AS you share, that is something that you are still trying to figure out. It sounds as though you are enjoying your time with him which is wonderful. My sense is that if you trust your gut you will eventually get clear on what it is you want. Then you can figure out if it matches what is possible with this person. For now, enjoy!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Maria, A lot of woman read that book when it first came out and continue to do so. I think that there are some truths to it but I do agree that they encourage women to take a passive role in dating. While I think it is important for a man to have the chance to pursue initially, I think it is helpful for a woman to give men positive feedback about the ways in which they are pleasing a woman. Otherwise there can be a lot of misunderstanding. They also encourage men to pursue and a woman to avoid initiating contact even after the relationship is on track. I think this is unrealistic and many men today will start to feel like the relationship is one sided if a woman doesn’t eventually step up.

I think it is possible for a woman to be pursued without giving away her power for being passive. It can be a fine line at times but I never encourage woman to do something that will make her feel less confident when dating someone.

If you have read the Rules book please share your opinion here as well!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lani, I get the sense that it is difficult to weather what feels like ups and downs with this person. In that original text what I interpret is that he is saying that he sometimes needs space and alone time, that it is something that he is used to and something that is probably important to him. Have the two of you connected after he sent you the text asking for space?

Since the two of you have only been dating for about two weeks, you are both still getting to know each other and figuring out what this is going to be. I would say that this is in the initial stage of dating and hasn’t moved to a relationship yet. I encourage you to give it some time and let him continue to pursue you. No, he probably won’t do it everyday and at times he will need his space but if you two are continuing to talk you can go slowly, get to know each other, and develop an emotional connection that he finds irresistible.

Initially you both need to connect then go back to your lives and integrate slowly. The time apart will make him miss you and want more connection time. Have you read His Secret Obsession> I think you will find it very useful in getting and keeping his attention. Remember, at this stage he needs to be doing the bulk of initiating. I know that can be difficult when you are excited about meeting someone but it seems to be more effective when a guy can do most of the pursuing in the beginning.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lani, Sounds like things are a bit confusing. When you first met you were ‘all over each other’ and now he is asking for space. How frequently were you texting him in a day? Perhaps things ramped up too quickly. Perhaps he wanted to be more of the initiator. Can you give me a better idea of what the communication looked like; frequency, content, method so I can better address your question?

Thanks,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Svetlana, You just shared a very important piece of information-your boyfriend was widowed just 1 1/2 years ago. Watching your spouse die is a very hurtful and helpless experience. Based on the math it sounds like the two of you started to date about 6 months after his wife died. My guess is his heart is still reeling and healing from the loss of his wife. Does he ever talk about that loss and how he is coping with it? Is it still affecting his day to day life? Maybe this is the reason that he hasn’t been willing to talk about a future. Maybe he is scared about being hurt again. The reality is you know what that type of loss is like. DO you remember how long it took you to be ready to move on with someone new? Maybe remembering what it was like for you would help you understand what it is like for him

Some people are open to a second marriage after this type of loss and some shy away from anything too serious for a long time. Does that make sense? I wonder if that can be part of the conversation Heidi is suggesting above? I would approach the subject lightly, asking a question about how he is doing and then sitting back and listening to his answer. Ultimately, if you are ready for more than he will be able to give you in the future than you may decide to move on. Waiting may not be an option for you and that is okay. I encourage you to start having some quiet time so you can connect with your gut and determine what the best course of action is for you at this time.

All the best,

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Minh, I think Svetlana’s suggestion that you share with him why this is difficult for you is a great direction. Have you shared that this is difficult to continue to spend time together because you have feeling for him that surpass friendship? Maybe it is time to be more open with him about that. If you are and he still maintains that this is just a friendship you can decide how to proceed. If spending time with him is too confusing then I would limit that time for your own emotional safety. Actually setting that boundary with him may be good in other ways as well. If he has some space he may start to see how much he misses you and the degree to which you two really connect. This may help him start to question this notion of his perfect mate and realize there is much more to love than those images!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi M, This is something that a lot of couples deal with. Even couples who have more passion at the beginning often get off track as the grind and stress of daily like; kids, work, financial responsibilities, impact us.

Have the two of you considered going to a therapist, one that specializes in sexuality? I know that this can be awkward for a lot of people, going to talk to a stranger about sex is uncomfortable. But, in exploring things you have the chance to improve your emotional connection and your sexual connection. I agree, you are both young and deserve to have the experience of that type of connection that you desire.

Do the two of you talk about the lack of sex? =As it has been a long time you may both be out of the habit of thinking about it. In your reading you probably have seen the value in taking small steps towards being more sexual, more physical affection, massages, etc. These are all great but sometimes it is difficult to take it to the next level. This is where a professional could help you both be more motivated to take bigger steps.

Many couples in this situation have managed to get their sex life back on track and you can to. It will take some time and patience but it will be well worth it! Find someone in your area that can help and then commit to working with them over a period of time as it will take some time to unravel things and more forward. I acknowledge your bravery for opening up the conversation! You can do this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Minh, I think the reason you are falling into the confusion/stress mode is because you have reconnected to him. One thing I notice when I read your description of things is that it seems like you don’t have a lot of say over the frequency of your connection of the amount of time you spend talking and connecting. Given how confusing this is for you right now what if you begin to limit the time you spend together. Even if he texts you, you have the choice about whether to respond and keep the conversation going. You could easily answer a question and then let him know that you need to go as you have a busy day. You could literally ignore his responses for a few hours.

If he calls, you can let it go to voice mail. If you decide to talk you can let him know after a few minutes then tell him you have to go. It’s pretty clear that he isn’t going o give you a break and step back so it is vital that you do that for yourself at this point. Create the space and trust the part of you that says you need it to take care of yourself and set healthy boundaries! Take care of you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Absolutely, Svetlana. SO glad that you are strategizing and taking this to a new level. Keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Penelope, I congratulate you for giving up drinking. That is a huge step and I’m glad you see how helpful that has been for you. I think that you might need to purchase the Relationship Rewrite Method. Look on the sight and see if it is currently available. Let me know how it goes!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Colleen, I think that in order to find out how he feels you need to give him time to figure out what he feels. Right now he is reaching out to you on a consistent basis, sharing updates on his life, and trying to stay connected with what is happening in your life. All of this is great! I sense that it would be easier if he could articulate his feelings in words rather than behavior but my sense is you’ll need to focus more on his behavior.

He did ask how you were when he saw your Facebook post. I get that you would prefer he had asked a few days earlier but I wouldn’t expect the two of you, or any couple, to be that in synch. Waiting to send a text so that he can ‘stew’ tells me you are in a frustrated place. He left for 6 months and your right in that it hasn’t even been 1 month. The two of you left things open but he has kept in contact with you, is sharing details of his life, and wants to know what is happening in your life. I know it is frustrating but I think you will need to read between the lines in order to survive and thrive in these next few months.

Give him more time to get settled and see how a possible trip to Canada might enfold when the timing is right. You can let him know how you feel about the missing couple, that you wanted to get away, that makes so much sense. Over time he may ask you to visit which would be great but for now I suggest you enjoy your communication with him without expecting everything to fall into place just now. At this point patience is definitely your friend. I know if is difficult but hang in there. Take on a project in your life, spend time with friends, make life fun and adventurous so that you aren’t missing him as much. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Adjust your expectations according and you may just be surprised at how he responds!

Kanya

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