Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Kelly, I get how difficult this is for you. I can’t imagine how confusing this is given his past behavior and promises. I will say that his wanting to be on his own for a while is really common in people who are newly separated or divorced.Men in particular want some freedom before recommitting. I wish he had taken that time before so that you were not intros situation right now.
The best way to get him back is to let him come to you. I know this sounds counter intuitive because he isn’t pursuing at this time but I think that will switch in time if you put a few things in place. First, I recommend you do not move into a friends with benefits relationship. Men see this type of woman very differently than they see a finance. If You do FWB then he won’t have to work through his resistance to commit right now. He’ll be able to be with you without working through anything. In time he will get tired of FWB and will most likely turn to someone new to have a relationship with. I know that you made that suggestion i the letter but if he tried to pursue that just let him know that you thought about it and you think it would ending up being more confusing for both of you. Tell him you are proud of him for taking the time he needs and let him know that you value your friendship and want to continue to be there for each other but hold that boundary.
Next, I would read The Relationship Rewrite available on this site. In it James takes you through several steps to get the relationship back on track. However, you need to be prepared for this to take some time, months possibly. It is really important that your fiancé feel it is his choice to come back together not something he is doing for someone else. Because men move slowly this could take months for him to go through this process but there are things you can do along the way. I usually recommend women read the book through first then go back and slowly do the steps. Don’t rush, you could takes a few weeks between the steps. Right now your fiancé has pulled back a lot and you need to respect that need while also slowly encouraging him to take steps back to you.
I’m not sure if you have ever had to wait for something you really wanted but it can be difficult. Our instinct is often to push for what we want because it makes so much sense to us. That works in some situations but not in others.While it may be difficult I think you can do this! The two most important pieces are to slow down and incorporate the steps in the Relationship Rewrite! Start that process and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Lori, I’m so glad that what I shared resonated for you. I spent a lot of time thinking about your yesterday and hoping that you would respond. I can only imagine how difficult it is to try to start over again. Your relationship with your husband is complex and touches you at a deep level.
There is a book that I really love that I think would be useful to you right now. It is called “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody. In it she talks about different types of love and why we sometimes get stuck on a person that we know isn’t good for us but we aren’t sure how to let go. It also explains how to create and maintain healthier relationships which a lot of people are still learning how to do.
The irony is, we spend more time learning how to drive then how to have a healthy relationship. Much of what we learn about relationships we learn from watching people around us when we are young and impressionable. By the tine we are 7 years old we have an imprint on our brain of what a romantic relationships will look like once we are grown up. Unfortunately, these are juvenile thoughts and we need to learn how to grow and evolve these thoughts once we are an adult. I think this book will help you do that and more!
I’m happy to hear that for the first time in your life you want more. That is fabulous and you certainly deserve more. I think we all deserve more but it takes a lot of courage to take the necessary steps to create more! I promise that you are not the first woman who has needed to let go of a past love so that she can create a new one. I’m not saying it will be say but I do know that it will be worth it! As I shared before, use this forum as a place to get support as you move into unchartered territory. There are a lot of woman on this site who have gone through what you re going through and we are happy to support and encourage you along the way!
All the best,
KanyaHi Lori, The two of you have really been through a lot over the years. I acknowledge you for all your hard work and for what you did to keep the family going. That says a lot about you and the strength that you possess.
If I am understanding you correctly, it seems that since he got out of jail in 2015 things haven’t fallen in to place for the two of you. Currently he is living with someone else and he says he is doing it to take advantage of her financially and he doesn’t want you to give up on him. I would imagine this is very confusing for you, as it would be for anyone. Have you heard the saying “Love is blind?” It means that when we are in love with someone we often ignore other aspects of that person or that person’s personality.
You mention that your husband has always known the difference between right and wrong. From what you shared I am questioning this. He is living with someone else specifically to take advantage of her. He has been incarcerated multiple times which tells me he doesn’t respect rules or laws. He is keeping you on the sidelines even though he is not committed to you and your family. When asked by his children to choose the other woman or his family, he chose the other woman. His words and his actions are in opposition to one and other and like many people, you are choosing to believe his words. The challenge is, his words change. One minute he is making promises, the next he is upset with you and probably ignoring you. And, his words and his actions do not match.
I know this must be very difficult for you but in order for you to get a sense of what is truly real here I suggest you start to pay attention to his behavior, his actions, what he does versus what he says. If you take his promises out of the equation, what is his behavior telling you? Is he committed to you and your family by living with you, sharing holidays and celebrating life together? Do you enjoy the small daily tasks of life together? Are you building a future together?
You showed a lot of insight when you talked about the struggles that come when you are in love with a player. I believe he is a player but my concern is that he is playing you. I’m sharing these concerns because I want to be honest with you. I am concerned for you because I think this man plays everyone. Players aren’t able to truly love another by giving to them and caring for them. A player will be there when it benefits him. They know how to give just enough to keep people hoping but in the end rarely show up fully for anyone.
I know this is really hard to hear and that you really just want your family back. The challenge is, he isn’t doing anything differently and while you can certainly find ways to engage him more, they will be temporary until he gets the help he needs to work through his own demons. He’s chosen to lead an uncommon life which puts stress on anyone who cares for him. Since he is not changing who he is, he will continue to participate in affairs (which he is doing right now with you) and at some point he will probably be imprisoned again because he just doesn’t hold himself to a legal standard of right and wrong.
What do your children think? I know your grandchild wants you to stick with him but they of course have a child like view of relationships. What do your children think? What do your family and friends think? Most importantly, what do you think? You have lived this chaotic life for 13 years. Is this the life you want to keep living? This man will continue to be who he is and chaos and confusion will follow him wherever he goes. Is that what you want for yourself and your family?
I am encouraging you to do something different at this point then you have ever done in the past. Rather than pushing to make this work, take a step back and look at the situation logically and realistically. Give yourself tome to process this confusion and have some time on your own before making any decisions. While it will not be easy I think you will feel stronger and more secure if you take that time for yourself. Maybe talk to a coach or a counselor about this and explore different perspectives about the situation. Give yourself a chance to consider other options.
What I’m saying may seem odd but I hope that you understand it is coming from a place of caring for you and your family. Feel free to respond and continue the conversations as we are here to support you!
All the best,
KanyaHi Minh, it is so interesting to stick with something and see where it goes. I can relate to what you shared about feeling a bit bored after things start to feel settled. This may just be you realizing something isn’t a fit for you. If it happens ‘every time’ you may want to look at the possibility that you are more comfortable with the exciting unknowing phase than with the actual emotionally intimate phase. On many levels we are socialized to like the intense early phase. You can’t beat the adrenaline rush that comes at the beginning of a new connection. Sometimes, when that rush begins to dissipate we can feel a bit let down.
Given that you can’t see yourself having a long term relationship with this man my sense is that things have just run their course. Since the two of you have built up such a positive friendship my sense is that you will be able to talk about what you are feeling with him. His caring for you will hopefully allow him to hear your words without too much upset or hurt. You’ve done such a great job with everything else my sense is you will be able to navigate this next step and conversation as well. I hope that you are feeling good about your participation in all of this. You really supported yourself in this situation and stayed the course until you got a realistic idea about what could or could not be possible with him. Well done!
Kanya
HI Maria, I agree, Heidi rocks! We are so happy to support all the amazing woman on this site and we are so glad that you are getting value from it! Looking forward to hearing how things evolve!!!
Kanya
Hi Robin, There is so much amazing information in the Secret Obsession! I think it would make far more sense for you to read that book so that you can get all the information in context. While the trigger words are important they are just a part of the overall picture.
ia would, at a minimum be igniting his hero instinct and providing the compliments that will give him that fuzzy feeling when he thinks about you!
Kanya
HI Minh, I too can understand your fear. It really is natural and I would love for you to get more comfortable having these conversations so that you feel more empowered.
It sounds as though things have shifted a bit in the past week in that he shared he isn’t dating other woman and he is demonstrating a different kind of interest and being more affectionate. you have a wonderful opportunity to give him positive feedback when he does something that you find meaningful. Simply share how nice it feels in the moment. Something as simple as, “I really like the way to feels when you hold my hand.” Followed by a big smile would provide positive feedback for him! I think that the more you see him moving in a clear direction the easier it will be for you to have an honest conversation with him. Remember, the conversation doesn’t need to be long and/or heavy. You can use the power of reciprocity to get a better sense of what is going on for him.
An example would be, say something about how much you enjoy spending time together and how special your connection is with him. Then be quiet and give him the opportunity to share his thoughts with you. S, if you are that you like the way to feels when he holds your hand, smile then be quiet for a bit to give him the opportunity to tell you if he likes it as well. Even saying something like “I really like how this feels” when the two of you are connecting gives hm the chance to reciprocate which I think will clarify things over time.
By the way, you really are doing great with al of this. I really acknowledge you for hanging in there and letting things play out with such patience! I’m excited to see how things progress!
Kanya
Hi Donna, I went back and read your initial post as well as James response.
I find myself wondering 2 things. First, have you incorporate what James shared in his response. It has been about 2 weeks since remade those suggestions and I am wondering how they are going.
Specifically, have you been exploring abundance dating? If so, what has that experience been like? Have you begun to see an increase in your self confidence and self acceptance? Are you having fun interacting with men and open to meeting interesting fun men to date and get to know? You want to avoid having all of your energy focused on this one man as that will be a lot of pressure on you and him. He can’t be your only option for happiness. Perhaps it is time to open up lines of communication with other available men and see what else is available to you. Nothing feels worse than sitting around waiting for someone to want us again. You have a lot of say over what you do now.
As you are reding the Secret Obsession Book, go back to Module 5 and determine what stage of development he is in. My sense is he is still pursuing fun. I am concerned that after a few dates he jumped to another relationship and now after a few weeks he is ‘bored’ of her. If this man is still focused on fun I would doubt that he is going to settling into a relationship any time soon. I’m not saying it is impossible, it’s just I want you to be aware of moving forward. I know that sound weird given his age but in terms of a romantic relationship fun might be all he is looking for at this time. What specific questions do you have regarding how to incorporate things in the book to your interactions with him?
Next, I think it is important to understand that this could take some time. I encourage you to focus on your life and allow his relationship to play out through the end. Yes, it may be difficult and will require patience but you can’t force the timing on this. Respect where he is at and continue to remind him of what a fun, easy person you are. That will matter a lot when the other relationship falls apart.
If you decide to date him again in the future really allow yourself to go slowly. There is still a lot to get to know about this person and it is easier to see people as they are before we fall head over heals for them. Remember, your intention is to build a solid relationship. Whether it is with I’m or someone else take the time to build a solid foundation first. You will be grateful that you did!
All the best,
KanyaHi Wai. Wow, I am blown away by the commitment it took to transform your life from the inside out! Not many people could do what you did and I hope you get how awesome you are!
I think it is great that you and Dan have such a great connection. It is wonderful when we meet someone we can really connect with and feel comfortable with. I agree, given all that is happening in his life it makes sense that he might need some space. Still, a few things come to mind about how to continue to engage him.
Have you read about how to ignite his hero instinct? Basically you send him a text asking for his help or insight on something he is good at. If he is good around the house, ask about a home improvement project you have been thinking about. If he is a foodie, maybe ask him about a restaurant or recipe you want to try. Think about the things he excels at in life then ask for his help in that area. Literally start the text with, “I need your help with something.” That will engage him and he will be happy to help. I would also reach out one a week just to say hi or let him know about something you just experienced that reminded you of him. Keep it light and shy away from asking when the two of you will see each other again.
I also recommend you read the Abundance Dating and Flirting reports on this site. Begin to incorporate these techniques into your life so that you feel more confident about yourself and how amazing you are. Are the two of you in an exclusive relationship? If not there is nothing saying you cannot meet and date other people while he is taking his space. I’ve noticed that sometimes men become very unavailable when their kids are home for the summer. It’s like they can compartmentalize the different aspects of their life and have a difficult time merging their adult personal life with their family life. This may be happening for him as well. Staying connected and positive will continue to feed the positive experience he has of you and when he is ready he may reach back out. Continuing to date is important for you as you haven’t known this man long enough, or had a deep enough relationship, to put your life on hold for him.
AS woman we often meet someone we like then it is difficult to think about dating anyone else. We wonder if we are being mean, if we will hurt their feelings, etc. I can assure you that being less available to him will be far more interesting to him than being more available. Let him know that your life is full and fun and as I said, drop him a fun playful text once in a while and continue to invite his hero instinct. For now this is the best you can do as you see how things play out. The good news is, you sound like such an incredible woman I have no doubt that there will be other opportunities for you should you want to explore them!
All the best,
KanyaHi Riyo, Congratulations on your graduation! What a huge accomplishment! I am so glad that you are benefiting from this site and all the amazing information on it! I agree with what Heidi shared above about caring for yourself, valuing yourself, and truly loving yourself. Were you able to access the video link? If so, how did that help or affect you. The thing is, learning to care for yourself ad love yourself is a process. It takes time and while you will make steady progress, your self love will continue to grow through out your entire life!
Before you reconnect with your ex, really think about if he can give you what you want and deserve. While I hear you care deeply for him, as Heidi shared love isn’t enough. To make a relationship work you need 2 people who are willing to do the work, show up consistently, and fight for the relationship. Is this man ready to do that? If the answer is yes then reconnect slowly and see if he can show up differently this time. If the answer is no them look elsewhere! Read through the Abundance Dating report and begin to incorporate those techniques into your daily life. Be your amazing self and you will meet many new men that can show up in a relationship and give you what you deserve!
Kanya
HI Licha, That is so fantastic. Thank you so much for sharing this great news. I hear that you brought a lot of patience to this situation and really waiting for his relationship with his girlfriend to run its course (very smart). I’m excited that the two of you are moving forward and will soon be living together.
Even though things are great, continue to practice the techniques, especially the respect principle! Doing so will help you build an amazing relationship for years to come!
Thanks again for sharing ad please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, It does sound like you are on a roller coaster ride. If I understand what you are saying, he has been dating another woman and coming and going for about 3 years. I’m not surprised that he got jealous when he thought you were cheating as it is in his mind set that people cheat. AS you say, he has been doing it for 3 years and yet when he thought you were doing it he sent a hail of nasty accusations.
I think I am most disturbed by how this must be affecting your self esteem as well as what your daughter is learning about relationships in this. I think it is easy to follow his lead in that if he wants you back you take him back, if he wants to leave you accept that too. However, I’m not hearing a lot about what you want. I imagine it may have been a long time since you really got to consider what you want.
I know it might be difficult to think about ending this for good. There will be additional pressures, financial and otherwise, on you. It will be lonely at times and life on your own may =feel overwhelming but I can’t help but wonder if that would be less stressful than what you have been dealing with for years. He is behaving in a way that is purposefully hurtful and certainly emotionally abusive. I know that having a mistress is common is some cultures but it clearly isn’t what you want for your life. My sense is he behaves this way because that is what he was taught as a young child and young man. I also wonder if alcohol plays a role in his extreme behavior. While he may promise that things will be different it sounds as if his track record says something different.
You shared that he treat you like a possession and I would agree with that description. I would continue to utilize the techniques you are learning on this site to maintain a positive relationship with him even if you divorce. You will continue to raise a child together and you will need to treat each other better to help her deal with this change. Do you have family and friends that will support you in this? Do you have a father or brother who can help you set boundaries with him as I think he will respect a man far more than a woman. While I don’t agree with that I think we need to be clear on who he is and how to get through to him.
For now, start separating yourself and your life more from him. Continue to let him know that he is free to go and that you want him to be happy. It seems like this is close to reaching critical mass and it is getting more and more difficult to maintain a marriage. You are doing a great job building your independence. IT takes a lot of courage to start a business and figure out how to succeed. Don’t underestimate your abilities and rights in this. Get clear on what you want regarding this relationship (remembering that he is who is is and that is unlikely to change) and then create your vision for you and your daughter. He has the choice to be part of that or not. You want to be happy and you deserve to be happy. You can do this!
Kanya
HI Gabrielle, I can understand the difficulty of the situation. I believe that he does car about you and your daughter and that the two of you care for him. It’s important to know that he will need to change his behavior and work with the part inside of himself that only he can heal.
That being said, it is important to understand that men don’t have the same emotional training as women. As a result, most men struggle with talking about their feelings. I get the sense that you imagine that if he talks about things then issues will be resolved and he won’t need his space. I think that giving him space when he needs it is important and respectful. Have you read about the Respect Principle? I think it would be very helpful for you to begin engaging it. I can’t tell specifically what you both are like when you are together but it sounds like it might be helpful for you to learn to regulate your emotions so that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed.
When I talk about him needing space I am talking about a few hours or days. If he goes into weeks, or months, that is something that you can’t change. Each time he does it and returns you imagine that things will be different. Unfortunately the same pattern seems to keep playing out. It reminds me on an old saying. “What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome.” Perhaps it is time for you to get some space and think about what you want, what you want for your daughter. Then, ask yourself if this man can give that o you just as he is right now. Not his potential and not what you would like him to be but who is actually is.Often times I will tell my clients to lower the volume in these situations. That means that if you ignore what he is saying and focus only on his behavior, what is that behavior telling you? Anyone can make the words sound nice but the behavior is most important.
I’d also recommend you read the book “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody. I think it will help you understand your tendency to take him back and imagine a different ending each time. I know if is difficult but it is important that you work on you to make things better and make yourself stronger, in addition to trying to figure out what he needs. Strike a balance and do the best you can. If he leaves again this may tell you all you truly need to know about him.
Kanya
Hi Karen, I can understand your dilemma. On the one hand you want to maintain your friendship but on the other hand you ain’t comfortable continuing with a friends with benefits situation. I can understand why his behavior is sometimes confusing because it is behavior that you associate with a relationship but it seems like he can participate in a FWB situation but still be affectionate when you are together. I think the tis important for you to remember. While he is being sweet with you he is behaving in the same way with the other women he is dating. To him that behavior is just the way he is, it isn’t part of something more.
Have you shared with him your predicament? I think it is possible to do so without pressuring him for more.Even though his answer may be difficult to hear it may be good for you to hear it and decide how you would like to proceed. If you want to keep his friendship can you do that without sleeping with him? Is he willing to do that? That is important to find out. If he isn’t interested in a friendship outside of FWB then you will need to decide what works for you. If you are getting more attached to him and developing deeper feelings for him and he isn’t reciprocating it is probably a good idea to get some emotional distance from him for a period of time. This will allow you to see if you can continue to sleep with him without developing deeper feelings.
Just like he took a break recently because of work maybe you could take a break as well. If you aren’t ready to talk about what is going on for you, you could let him know you are just busy or that work is swamped. In that time see if he initiates more. Have you read the His Secret Obsession book by James? I think it might help you to learn ways to get his attention and encourage him to develop a deeper emotional connection that could lead to a relationship.
I think it is great that you are dating other men. Maybe spending more time doing that and less time with this guy would give you both a different perspective. If you find that he doesn’t pursue you when you step back and that he doesn’t respond to the techniques in His Secret Obsession then take this information to heart. If he isn’t ready or able for that level of relationship but you are then focus more of your attention to finding that than developing a friendship with him. After all, you deserve to have what will make you happy and fulfilled!
Keep us posted as we are here to help!
Kanya
