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Hi Megan, I can understand your frustration! It seems like while he reconnected initially now he is being distant. Is he taking classes this summer? I wonder if he is spending a lot of time studying and if that is getting in the way for him. Is it usual of him to not make travel plans until the last minute or is this a new behavior?
I agree that setting up some guidelines and expectations when you reconnected would have been a great idea but I can understand why maybe that didn’t happen. I can understand that you are reconsidering this relationship and maybe it is time for this. It sounds like for a long time you h ave been following his lead and maybe it is time to follow your lead. you don’t have to make an all or nothing decision but you can let him know that you are considering another path and see how he responds. He may be thinking the same things and not know how to talk about it. He may also be focusing on school and thinking about his career future.
After the last visit to California was there any upset, miscommunication, or misunderstanding that occurred that seemed to start his withdraw? When you do communicate, what does he share about his life? Think about the direction of his conversation and that may give you some clues as to what he is focusing on. If he does come to Florida that might be a good opportunity to see if you guys are on the same page with a future and timing of that future.
I’m sorry this is not more clear. I do hear that your heart has been hurting for awhile now and I can understand why you are questioning things. At this point it sounds as though you are still gathering information which may lead to a greater understanding of what is happening for him right now. you’re doing a great job and if you ultimately decide to end the relationship and move on, regret about that decision will be a choice. I encourage you to really trust your gut on this one.
All the best,
KanyaHi Rebecca, When a man is looking at you it is beneficial to look back, smile, send him a sense of warmth and accessibility. You can look at him, look away, make it an opportunity to flirt with him.
At this point is he just staring or are the two of you also interacting? If not, I think it would be a good idea to just start small conversations with I’m to see how he responds. Have you read the report of Flirting? If not it is available in this site and I think you would find it really helpful. It will share a variety of ways to flirt in subtle ways the both you and he will be comfortable with.
I hope these ideas answer your questions! Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Debbie, You are so welcome! You really have been o such a journey and I get the sense that you are healing on many levels. As you take small steps in that direction you will learn to trust yourself again and that will be the basis for building something with one of the good guys! You’re doing great!
Kanya
Hi Megan, I’m glad to hear that you are refocusing on your life and your financial stability. It is important for you to feel as though you have a stable foundation in your life!
I was thinking about this a bit and there is one area that I didn’t address-your age and desire to have a family. Is this something your guy is aware of and is having a family something that he is committed to? This is important because part of your anxiety may relate to him not being in tune with this need you have. Is he in his late 30’s as well or is he younger?
I agree that this is a tough balancing act. Perhaps you could take some time and consider this situation. Wold you be okay if this goes on indefinitely? Do you have a sense of when you would want to know if things are moving forward or staying at this in the moment level? I’m not saying anything would change at this point but there is you as an individual and you as part of a couple. I just want to encourage you to keep taking care of yourself as an individual. I know it is anxiety provoking but just get clear on how much time works for you and maybe refocus more of your energy on your life. Having him notice a subtle shift and wonder what happened might be a good thing right now. And, I am taking subtle; taking more time to respond to texts, initiating less contact. Let’s see if stepping back half a step brings him forward.
If you talk about a future when you are pursing him he will shut down. But, if he is missing you and pursuing you and you talk about that then he will be a bit more open to it because he wants you and is missing you and your attention. Does that make sense? It is a delicate dance at this point but I think you may have more leverage thane think. So, keep doing what you are doing but give him a little more space and see how he responds!
Kanya
Hi Vorkarn, I can understand why this is frustrating and confusing. When we meet someone we like it is sometimes difficult to figure out how they will fit into our lives. I’m going to be honest because I think it is important. I think it boils down to one main thing-you want to be in a relationship with him and at this point he wants to be friends. It really stinks because you like him and enjoy spending time together and, it seems like you do click in some ways. He’s been honest in some ways and I can understand if you feel he has given you some mixed messages.
I think your initial instinct to not hang out with him because you had feelings for him was probably spot on. It is difficult to be in the friend zone with someone you have deeper feelings for. While I can’t say for sure, my sense is that in your communication on Sunday he may have started to feel some pressure to be more than friends. This makes sense because you do want to be more than friends. I don’t think that you, or really anyone, can turn that off. So, spending time together will continue to be difficult as you will naturally desire more.
I wonder if it would be helpful to follow your initial instinct and take some time off from being his friend for awhile. I know that might be difficult because you have a nice connection but I imagine it will continue to be difficult to feel satisfied with things the way they are. In addition to it being easier, I think it would be easier for you to date and let someone else in. Right now your energy is going towards him and a friendship when really you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is ready and available.
I would imagine this is difficult to hear and even consider. Take some time to let it settle in and see what feels right for you-you and only you, not anyone else because the thing is, you need to live with your decisions so shouldn’t they be the ones that work best for you?
All the best,
KanyaHi Kate, I can understand why you are confused! It does seem like something is up. I think you can go a few ways here. First, you can be okay with it and make plans when he is available. The potential challenge with that is that something is up and you aren’t addressing it.
Next, you could let him know that something seems off and ask him if you can help in some way. This is not accusatory and opens the door for him to share what is going on for him.
One question that I have is I wonder what you two were texting on Sunday morning. Was there anything that was said that he may have misunderstood? I wouldn’t over think it but it is something to consider. Has he shared about any issues of stress he is having at work or with family or friends? Something has shifted and I’m wondering if maybe he isn’t sure how to talk about it or ask for support.
Think about my questions and see if anything comes to mind. Feel free to check back with any insights you have. Hang in there and stay calm. My sense is things will clarify with a bit of time.
Kanya
Hi Debbie, I am so sorry to hear the pain you have endured. I can only imagine how frustrating and frightening it has been. I acknowledge you for making such huge changes in your life. IT takes a lot of courage to step away from he abusive relationships and rebuild. It sounds like you’ve done a great job moving forward and creating a new relationship with yourself which is a vital step in creating a different type of relationship.
I can understand your concern about attracting another abusive relationship. While it is difficult to recognize an abuser from the start (they are good at hiding this side of themselves) there are some signs to look for.
1. Do they tend to get unusually angry at small things? Initially it might just come out in small ways but over time it grows in scope and intensity.
2. Do they have good relationships with their ex’s and children? This says a lot about who they are and how they treat people.
3. Do they talk about a lot of conflict with people in their lives? Do they paint themselves as a perpetual victim to life and circumstances? Sometimes this signals a pattern of avoiding personal responsibility.
4. Does your gut tell you something is off even if you can’t figure out what? Always trust your gut on this one.These are all important things to pay attention to. In addition, take your time getting to know a new guy. Get to know some of his friends to get a better idea about his and his relationships. And, let your family and friends meet him. Sometimes the people closest to us can see things that we are too smitten to see. Listen to their feedback and comments about your new guy.
Finally, keep working with a therapist who can help you explore new relationships. It will be a great support for you in an understandably difficult and scary situation. I know this is difficult but when you are ready start to take baby steps with support. You can do this!
All the best,
KanyaHi Megan, I really acknowledge you for your self reflection. You are doing a great job understanding how your anxiety sometimes leads to behaviors that may foster distance between the two of you.
You asked how to build a stronger bond through the LDR. Well, you mentioned an important piece of information. You said that the relationship seemed stronger when you were more devoted to yourself and your career. I know that as women it is easy to shift our focus to the relationship when we are really wanting that to take off but as you said it seems like when you do that the energy or pressure for this to move forward may be overwhelming to him, and maybe even to you as well.
Since the two of you are still on the mend it is important to enjoy your connection and show him how happy that makes you! The fact that he introduced you to his grandparents tells me that he is not stringing you along. He is opening up and inviting you into his life. I would start to think of this relationship as a partnership already. Right now you both are working towards something. Yes, your path and approach may differ a bit but you are headed in the same direction. How many more years of grad school does he have? Is it the plan that he move back to California when he is done? Start to think of this as a plan you are creating together which might make the distance easier.
I would give it more time of positive connecting before focusing on the future. When you do that, be light, breezy, and short in your communication then move on and give him some time to process. AS Heidi says, a playful easy connection makes it easy to imagine committing to!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, I’m so sorry that all of this is happening. I can only imagine how difficult and overwhelming it is. It sounds as though you do have a solid support system of family and friends which is a plus.
First, in reading the email you sent to a select few, am I correct in saying that you recently had a suicide attempt? It sounds like you were releases from the hospital a few days after but I am wondering if you need a higher level of support right now. I encourage you to continue to work with your therapist to determine what level of care is most appropriate for you. As you are feeling vulnerable, I want you to have the nest care and highest level of support available to you. These types of situations can be so difficult to maneuver at times. Please make taking care of you and getting back into balance the highest priority!
You share that you want to get your husband back but also share the unusual, confusing, and hurtful behavior he has participated in of late. Honestly, until he comes back into balance I question whether getting him back would be good for you. His wreak less behavior would have a profound effect on you and I don’t want to see you in a position where you feel more vulnerable, more confused. For now I would focus on getting balance and stability in your life. Once that is done honestly assess where he is and if the balance and stability has not returned to his life then I would avoid him until it does. Other wise you will be riding a very intense emotional roller coaster that could understandably continue to devastate you.
He may be having a mid-life crisis or something similar but until he decided to make changes no amount of reason will change him. It’s like he is a tornado and if you get too close you will get caught up in the cyclone. Better to wait it out, focus on the love and support of your friends and family and find your footing. Remember, you were a whole person before you met him and you are one ow even if he isn’t with you. That never changes even though it sometimes feels that way.
I’m also encouraging to to focus on you first so that your health doesn’t suffer. You need to be strong for you and your kids now so taking care of you must be a priority. We don’t yet know what this is happening with him but you certainly aren;t to blame for what appears to be a mid-life crisis or extreme reaction to something in his life. And, the idea that you have nothing less is just a thought, a fear, not reality. You are an amazing person with so much to give. If he can’t accept that right now than learn to channel it in other directions. You are not worthless. Relationships take up a part of our lives, a part of our selves, but not all of us. Yes, you have been dealing with a lot these past few years but focus on getting yourself back to feeling good and being a strong and loving mom. You have all of that no matter what he is or is not doing.
Often woman feel like they don’t come to life until a man wakes us up, like a fairy tale, but that just isn’t true. You had a life before him and you will have a life now and in the future whether or not he is in it. Don’t underestimate yourself or your value in the world. Years ago, while I was going through a difficult break up I was in an antique store and I saw a piece of art that really resonated with me. Someone had written these words on a canvas board, “Be a good girl, get over the bump and get on with your life.” I just loved it because it made it so simple. I’m not saying you need to get over him forever but for the time being you need to focus on you so that he doesn’t pull you into that cyclone of a tornado he’s got going.
I’d also recommend you read the book “Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart” by Mark Epstein. I think it would be comforting as well as practical at this time.
Most important, if at any time you are considering hurting yourself reach out for support before you do anything. Call your friends and family, your therapist, a crisis line, just get help before hurting yourself. You are too important to hurt, to valuable to lose. Please keep checking in with this community for support and encouragement! We’re here for you.
Kanya
Hi Aleksandra, I’m so sorry that this is the choice you need to make. I can only imagine how difficult that is. That being said, I think that you made the right decision and I acknowledge you for saying no to contact since your gut was telling you that’s what was important.
I hear how healthy and committed you are to your health. Perhaps if this man didn’t want children he would have gotten past his concerns about his health. I would love to see you with a man who sees your health and vibrance, someone who wants to enjoy life and doesn’t see potential illness as a deterrent. Even though this is a difficult experience I hear that you are learning and growing from it which says a lot about our character and resilience.
If there is any good in this it is that neither of you have invested too much in this so it will be easier to move on and find someone you feel an even better connection with who shares the same vision for a future together. Take good care of yourself in all of this. You are an amazing woman and I know that new opportunities are coming your way!
Kanya
Hi Rosalind, I can understand the difficulty you are having being ‘normal’ at this point. I think it would be difficult for anyone i this situation. The irony is, you were being yourself when he started to spend time with someone else so on a deep level it might not seem safe, or even make sense, to be yourself at this point. Right now you probably feel shocked and worried that it might happen again. As the relationship heals and you feel more connected to him and he seems more present it will be easier for you to ‘act normal.’
I like the idea that the two of you are in therapy. Do you find it helpful? Let the counselor know why it is difficult for you to act normal. Perhaps she/he can help you identify what steps or milestones need to be met for you to be relaxed in the relationship again.
There is a great book called Getting Past the Affair by Douglas K. Snyder that you might find helpful right now. It explains why you are feeling the way you do and what the process of emotional healing will look like intros situation. I highly recommend it.
While this is a difficult time it could ultimately bring you and your spouse close together. You both have the opportunity for a redo, to make the relationship satisfying in new ways. I know it is difficult to trust again but take it step by step and trusting will get easier. Please check back for support at anytime!
Kanya
Hi Megan, Welcome to the group! We’re so glad you are here.
I love the idea of relationships growing organically and I know that relationships can get challenging, especially when our guy seems distant or shut down. If you’d like, send us a more detailed example of what shuts him down and the coaches on the site will send you some ideas about how to respond to him in ways that might make him reappear sooner!
Enjoy the movie!
Kanya
Hi Shagun, I’m sorry your last day of clinical couldn’t have been more celebratory. I just went back and reread what James shared above and I would encourage you to do the same. You’ve set your boundary, let him know what you need, and for now he is saying no. If you take some space from him, and give him time to miss you and the relationship, that may motivate him in a new way.
At this point many woman would compromise and give up what is important to them. I would strongly encourage you not to do that. While it is hard, stay strong. Start to rebuild your life, enjoying in again with family and friends. As you do so you will start to feel more free of this back and forth that has been going on with your boyfriend for a long time. From that place you will probably see things a bit differently. It is important for you to get to that place. That is the place to make decisions from. The place where you are at peace with being together or being apart. The place where you feel strong and confident again.
You are going to go through a grieving process but you will get through it and you will be stronger when you get to the other side. As Heidi shared, now is the time to take care of you and focus all of your amazing energy on loving and supporting yourself. Finishing your clinical and graduating is amazing and it sounds like you are starting a new chapter in your life. Embrace this, jump into it, focus all the hard word of the past few years into creating your career. You have so much to feel confident about so focusing on those areas will help you in so many ways.
Unfortunately there isn’t a cure for a broken heart. All you can do is take care of yourself as your heart mends. Be sure to replace negative, hurtful thoughts with positive ones so that the process moves forward on a consistent basis. While we can all wallow in remorse and self regret, self criticism only hurts us further. I encourage you to bring a lot of self compassion not this process! You will get through this. It’s just going to take time and a lot of self love and compassion! We’re here for you so check in for support anytime you need it!
All the best,
KanyaHi SHagun, I can understand why this is difficult for you. I was really struck by something that James shared above. He talked about accepting that things would be awkward for a period of time. That makes sense because the two of you are in a delicate situation. You both know that he isn’t meeting your needs to have a conversation and/or begin to map out where the relationship is going. Until there is more clarity there will probably be tension.
Rather than pushing for a conversation or letting it go completely I would shift my focus for a bit. Engage his hero instinct as James talked about above and give him the opportunity to meet some of your needs so that he reengages with the part of him that knows he can please and care for you. When he is in that place, feel good and connected again, utilizing the Hero Instinct method, frame a conversation about the future as a way for him to meet your needs. It is a subtle but important distinction. Trying to talk to him about this when he is shut down will be fruitless. Instead, focus on your life more, time with family and friends, and trigger his hero instinct to bring him out of his cave.
AS James shared, relationships will have ups and downs. Often when one person is ready for the next level and the other person isn’t, this creates stress in the relationship. But, it can be seen as good stress or pressure as it often facilitates movement when handled in a productive manner. You two have been together for a long time, think of this as a blip so that you take the pressure off of yourself to fix things or make them better. Be patient, work the steps we talked about, and know that this tension is temporary!
Kanya
