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Hi Janja, I am so glad that you are getting some clarity about both of these guys. It seems like neither of them can truly be there for you. Also, the mixed messages you get and the confusion seems to understandably create some anxiety for you. You aren’t your best self with them and you deserve to be your best self!
You ask how you can find a different set of men and avoid these mistakes in the future. For now I would focus on you; on getting stronger, feeling complete, and getting clear on what you are really looking for. I suggest that after you take some time and are feeling more confident again you sit down and write a list of the 10 most important aspects you would like to experience in a person/relationship. Then, go through that list and identify the top 5. Then, got through those 5 and identify the top 3 aspects. Those are non-negotiable and the will guide you to the man you want to build a life with.
When you do meet someone, I suggest you move slowly. Have actual dates that last a few hours then you go your separate ways. If you jump in with someone and things move quickly it is likely that they will fall apart just as quickly. Instead, build slowly over time. Really get to know someone before you sleep with them so that you make a logic decision rather than a purely emotional decision. YEs, doing it that way takes time and patience but it gives you the opportunity to see a person’s true colors before you get overly attached to them. This is important because it allows you to make better decisions about who to spend time with and who to walk away from.
In terms of your ex, I would seriously consider blocking him so that you can truly move forward free from that relationship and time in your life!
Kanya
Hi CH, It sounds like the two of you have a sweet connection. I’m so glad that you are still in contact!
I can understand why it feels so weird asking about his offer. It must seem like a bit of a risk but I think, given your history, you may feel better just jumping in and handling it. I would simply say something like, “Hey, can you help me with something?” Wait for him to respond with something like “Sure.” then add “I’m trying to plan some things in the next few months and was thinking I might be able to come for a quick visit. Let me know if that still works for you. Thanks!”
It is sweet and to the point. If, for some reason, he says no just accept that this isn’t a good time and let him know that you’d love to plan it another time that works better. While it feels like a big step, just keep it light for now and you will sail through this! Go for it!
All the best,
KanyaHi Princess, I’m glad you sent that text. You right in that now it is a waiting game but I would be surprised if he doesn’t. Hang in there and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Sylvian, So I guess my first questions is, why are you with this man? What are the benefits you are getting out of this relationship. I would encourage you to explore that so that you can then understand that you can see that you can get those qualities in another relationship. Unfortunately this guy is not valuing you or respecting you. Some women make the mistake of staying with a guy and trying to change him. I would caution you not to do that with this man. It sounds as though you have spend enough time and energy on someone who isn’t capable of caring for you in the same way.
Instead, begin to distance from him and start to open up to other possibilities. I encourage you to eat the report on this site about Abundance Dating. It outlines how to open up to male energy in safe and encouraging ways. I think it would be really supportive for you to begin to get positive attention from mature and caring men at this time.
This guy has made it clear that he won’t marry you and won’t be in a committed relationship with you. I know it is hard but it is time to move on and date guys who will cherish you. You deserve so much more and this guy will never give that to you. You need to be your own best friend right now and begin to advocate for yourself and what you deserve.
All the best,
KanyaHI Elisabeth, I can imagine how painful this is for you. It really represents such a huge shift and one that must be so confusing to you.
When he took some time to live alone did he share any conclusions about needing to have his freedom or wanting to explore other relationships? It sounds like for him that time was a separation but he maybe wasn’t fully open with himself or you regarding what that might mean.
Since the two of you are so open to personal growth and even facilitate that to others I’m wondering if you have seen a counselor or therapist together to explore this? Doing so might be helpful in so many ways.
It sounds like he may be in a place of reevaluating his life and exploring what path he would like to take on the next part of his life journey. Often in these situations the partner grows tired of the new lover and new life and longs to reconnect with their old life. Usually people just want their life to transform in some way but don’t know how to do it with their current partner so they try to make that transformation with someone new. It may take time but I do think that you have more skin in the game than you realize at this time. The important thing right now is not to push him to come back as that could push him further away.
Instead, slowly begin to form an alliance and deep friendship with him. The power of your relationship is stronger that what he currently has with her so maximize that. I would highly recommend you read the report “The Relationship Rewrite.” In it James outlines a multilevel process to help you rebuild your relationship with your man. You need to be patient but these steps really work. I recommend you read through the report at least once then go back and begin to implement the steps.
I think once you start to understand the process you will feel more confident about how to proceed. Take a look and feel free to connect back with any questions or thoughts!
All the best,
KanyaHi Megan, I’m sorry this is happening. Break ups are often the most difficult thing that we can go through. I can hear in your words that all of this feels very unreal and it is difficult to process. I can understand that and recommend that you be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time to grieve.
The ending of a relationship can send our brain into overwhelm. The person that we felt most connected to, who provided comfort and understanding is no longer available. I realize that this feels like the end of the world but I promise you will get through this. From what you shared it sounds as though there were some challenges that you felt the two o you were working on and he has chosen to take a different path for now. It’s important to realize that you didn’t do anything wrong and in many ways you can’t change how he is thinking or feeling. He’ll need to be ready for that and unfortunately we don’t know what path he is heading down at this time.
I don’t think he is disrespecting you, I think in his mind he has ended the relationship and is trying to give both of you some space. If he has ended it, the behavior and connection is going to change. Txt seems like what is happening. If he contacts you just treat him like a friend. Be short in your responses and really busy in your life. Don’t talk about how hurt you are for now. Actually lead him to believe that you understand and have decided to move forward as well. This will be far more disturbing to him than if he thinks you are falling apart. I know it sounds counter intuitive but it is important for you to not just act strong but be strong. While we don’t know what he will ultimately decide, you are not reliant on him for how you feel about yourself. Our relationships, even partnerships, make up part of our lives but not so much that we fall apart when they are not connected to that person. I know that is difficult but there is a way to stay attached to ourselves, to trust ourselves and rely on ourselves. This makes our relationships even richer as our dependence level changes which makes us more comfortable and confident in our relationships.
As you go through this know we are here for you. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Heidi, You ask an interesting question when you say ‘what else can I do?’ Well, I think it may be time for you to do less. Even though it is difficult, contacting him less and sending short message is important now! When he asked to spend time with you, let yourself be unavailable at least 60% of the time at this point. Have plans with friends, work to catch up on, lunch with mom or a friend. Be pleasant, don’t let on that anything has changed, but be a bit distant yourself for the next few weeks. This is going to get his attention more than anything you could do or say.
Nest, if he has not committed to a monogamous relationship I don’t think you are obliged to either. The difference is, like more woman it is difficult to imagine dating others once you care for someone and have feelings for them. So, perhaps it is time to take a break from sleeping with him if it closes doors for you but not him. I’m not suggesting you use sex to manipulate him, on the contrary, but maybe it’s time to take sex off the table until the 2 of you see if things evolve into something more serious. In the mean time that opens the door for you to meet other people and date. You may even meet someone you like better who is ready for the type of relationship you are ready for!
I know if it difficult to imagine but just take one step at a time. Begin to take a step back by becoming less available and see how that affects things. Then, maybe consider what needs to change for you to be comfortable dating others. AS you take better care of yourself and set boundaries that work for you and take your needs into consideration you may be surprised as it may get you more attention and loyalty from him if he sees that he needs to work a bit harder at this,
All the best,
KanyaHi Janja, I wouldn’t suggest a plan B with this man. I get the sense that he is keeping things from you and manipulating you to get what he wants without considering what you want and need. Your friend seems to be picking up on some energy that you need to really pay attention to. If this man had good intentions he would be pursuing you and he is not. Maybe you need tot are a step back and let yourself continue to meet other people for now. It’s helpful to gave several options to alleviate any pressure that things work out a certain way in a certain time fame. Right now I sense a lot of pressure for this to go a certain way and I cam feel think building in a way that might result in a deeper emotional disappointment.
If your serious about building a relationship with someone, be willing to go slow. Take your time getting to know someone and build the relationship a step at a time. It is far better than trying to rush something. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Tarajean, It sounds like this is a really frustrating and confusing situation. There is nothing worse than feeling like you want to understand why someone did what they did and not being able to get an answer. His inability to response is a reflection of emotional immaturity. I’m sorry he isn’t able to communicate more about it.
Up until now, did he share what was nothing him about the situation? This might give you some clues as to what is going on for him. IN the mean time, I encourage you to read The Relationship Rewrite on this site. In it James shared a step by step process to help get things back on track. I recommend you read it through at least once before starting to slowly implement the steps.
It may also be a good time for you to think about why you want this relationship to continue. Does the relationship give you what you need? Is a long distance relationship what you want? The reason I ask is because it is imperative that you are clear about what you want and why before taking steps to get things back on track.
All the best,
KanyaHi Mel, In my experience, men like this don’t ever get to the place of understanding how their behavior affects others. I don’t think that most relationships go this way. One thing that really struck me was his desire to keep your relationship from others. That is always a red flag, even when someone seems to have a good reason. You need to be open about a relationship for several reasons. First, it is important to be able to share that with people in your life that you care about and who care about you. Next, people who tend to take advantage of others will have a far more difficult time doing that in from of family, friends and pastors. My sense is this person know that he wasn’t always going to be proud of his behavior and he made sure to keep it secret.
Do your family and friends know that he is currently living with you when you want him to leave? If they knew would they be able to help you? My sense is it might be good for you to get a support team together so that you can get free of his negative influence.
I imagine this is really difficult! In my experience, once you get away from a negative influence, it gets exponentially easier to move forward. I understand the tendency to try to figure him and this situation out but it’s important to realize that he functions very differently that you and I. You can spend a life time trying to understand him but he won’t ever make sense. Instead, think about the signs you may have ignored throughout the time that you’ve known him and decide what will and won’t work for you in the future. You so deserve to be with someone who values and treasures you. This man doesn’t really deserve any more of your precious time and energy!
Kanya
Hi Suzanne, My heart goes out toy as well. I’m glad you see this for what it appears to be-a mid-life crisis. It will take some time for him to work through this but I too believe he will come to his senses at some point.
I agree with Heidi that the Relationship Rewrite would be great for you to read at this time. You can find it oaths site. Go up to the menu, click on the “James Library tab, then the Relationship Rewrite will be the first book listed. Enjoy!
Kanya
Hi Mel This must be such a difficult situation. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and even sorrier that this ma crossed your path in life.
You ask “how to you come back” from the experiences you have had with him? The first step is to go forward. And, the first step to going forward is to get this person out of your home. This is your home and he doesn’t have the right to stay there if you don’t want him there. While he tells you to be reasonable, he is being unreasonable expecting to stay there given his behavior. You ask if he is a narcissist? He certainly has narcissistic tendencies in that he has a very difficult time understanding how his behavior affects other people. He’s probably really good at confusing you when you try to get something you need. He may even infer that you are selfish when trying to get something that you want. You need to get him out of your home and my sense is you will need some help with that as he is dug in. DO you have a bother or male friend willing to help you? What about getting the police involved? I’m not suggesting you do anything impulsively. instead find out what your options are and begin to exercise them.
You shared that staying away from him didn’t work but I would disagree. It worked very well until you let him back into your life. Blocking him on your phone and from all other ways to contact you is going to be important. In my practice I see this type of behavior and think of these people as emotional vampires. They take what they ant and have no care or concern about how that affect others. They will take everything you have emotionally then leave you. It is not wise to invite vampires back into our lives because a vampire will always be a vampire. Even if they promise you they have changed, they love you, they want to give you the world, it is just a way for them to get back into your good graces. Don’t even believe a vampire has good intentions.
What are your friends and family thinking about this situation? Do they encourage you to get him out? If so, admit to them that you are having a difficult time and ask for their help. Help can come in the form of ideas or interventions. After you get him out the most important thing is to do everything you can to prevent him from getting communication to you. If he sends you a text or message from someone else device, block that one too, ignore everything that comes your way from him. Why? Because we don’t invite vampires back into our lives!
I know this is a really difficult situation but you can resolve this. Get some support and maybe start seeing a therapist or coach at this time. They can be a neutral party txt can share a different perspective as well as being a safe place to let go and get support. Your gut is right o with his behavior being hurtful and unacceptable. Trust yourself and do what it takes to get him our so that you can move forward and begin to heal and rebuild! You can do this and we are here to support you as you move forward!
All the best,
KanyaHi Mel This must be such a difficult situation. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and even sorrier that this ma crossed your path in life.
You ask “how to you come back” from the experiences you have had with him? The first step is to go forward. And, the first step to going forward is to get this person out of your home. This is your home and he doesn’t have the right to stay there if you don’t want him there. While he tells you to be reasonable, he is being unreasonable expecting to stay there given his behavior. You ask if he is a narcissist? He certainly has narcissistic tendencies in that he has a very difficult time understanding how his behavior affects other people. He’s probably really good at confusing you when you try to get something you need. He may even infer that you are selfish when trying to get something that you want. You need to get him out of your home and my sense is you will need some help with that as he is dug in. DO you have a bother or male friend willing to help you? What about getting the police involved? I’m not suggesting you do anything impulsively. instead find out what your options are and begin to exercise them.
You shared that staying away from him didn’t work but I would disagree. It worked very well until you let him back into your life. Blocking him on your phone and from all other ways to contact you is going to be important. In my practice I see this type of behavior and think of these people as emotional vampires. They take what they ant and have no care or concern about how that affect others. They will take everything you have emotionally then leave you. It is not wise to invite vampires back into our lives because a vampire will always be a vampire. Even if they promise you they have changed, they love you, they want to give you the world, it is just a way for them to get back into your good graces. Don’t even believe a vampire has good intentions.
What are your friends and family thinking about this situation? Do they encourage you to get him out? If so, admit to them that you are having a difficult time and ask for their help. Help can come in the form of ideas or interventions. After you get him out the most important thing is to do everything you can to prevent him from getting communication to you. If he sends you a text or message from someone else device, block that one too, ignore everything that comes your way from him. Why? Because we don’t invite vampires back into our lives!
I know this is a really difficult situation but you can resolve this. Get some support and maybe start seeing a therapist or coach at this time. They can be a neutral party txt can share a different perspective as well as being a safe place to let go and get support. Your gut is right o with his behavior being hurtful and unacceptable. Trust yourself and do what it takes to get him our so that you can move forward and begin to heal and rebuild! You can do this and we are here to support you as you move forward!
All the best,
KanyaHi Patricia, Sounds like you are doing a great job absorbing a lot of new information which is great. Given that you have shared so much communication with him of late, I would hold off on any communication at this time. Actually give a little break for a day or two.
Then, send him the 4 word question and wait. It might take him some time to come out of his cave and be ready to respond. He might be overwhelmed at this point so it is important to utilize the respect principle when communicating with him.
You shared that the two of you have always worked it out in the past so there is good reason to think that you will work it out again. I think it is great that you are so committed to making changes. It will take time and patience but many women have been able to make these changes and you can too!
Slow and steady for now and when he does reconnect remember to limit your communication for the time being and utilize the respect principle. I’d also read through the Relationship Rewrite and pay special attention to the first and second steps as I think they would be really helpful in creating a reconciliation at this point. I get that you may be overwhelmed with all the information and new ideas but take it slowly and I promise before long these new ideas will become second nature.
Kanya
HI Gwen, First, congratulations on being happy in your marriage. A lot of people have a much different experience. It is a plus that you and your husband are happy and enjoying your relationship. Don’t underestimate what a great place this is to start!
My experience as a relationship coach is that it is very common for couples to have this experience after years of marriage and raising children. It takes a lot of effort to keep those little ones thriving. I agree that sitting down for a ‘talk’ is not the way to go. It can create so much tension and pressure. I think what you are doing will be far more effective.
I love that you read the Art of Flirting. While it might seem like a mystery, keep practicing and I promise it will get easier. Have you tried sending playful, sexy texts to your husband? You can start off small in what you share and let it grow. Try different things until you find the ones that seem to get his attention. Have you read The 5 Love Language? This would give you some more insight into what type of behavior will mean the most to your husband. I’d also think about what things moved him and got his attention when you were dating and first married. Those things might still get his attention.
By all means, do mot stop trying! Think of this as a mystery, or a puzzle, that you really want to solve. Be playful in your attempts and know that this is a completely normal experience. While I wouldn’t recommend having a serious talk, you can playfully ask your husband what he missed about the relationship, what he would like to have more of. Then, just listen and take it in. Ignore any desire to debate what he is saying and just take it as information that you an lean from.
I know it is difficult but you are off to a great start. Set some small goals and keep moving forward. The only way to fail here is to stop trying. I think your husband is really blessed to have a wife who loves him enough to being more joy and passion to the relationship. You can do this!
Kanya
