[Kanya D]

Hi Rachael, I’ m glad things are going well! Have the tow of you spoken on the phone or even seen each other in person yet? What has your interaction bee like up to this point?

I am happy to help but I just need to know what exactly you re seeing help with. Please write back and share more information so we can offer more support!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emma. How great that you are seeing the areas inside that are ready to two and evolve into the new you. This is a process we all go through during our lives-sometimes in small ways, some times in big ways. IT sounds like you may be going through some big changes right now.

In terms of responding to his text, take a few days then say something like “Just an expression. Hope all is well.” And leave it at that for now. In the mean time, keep working on that patterns so that you understand it more fully and begin to make changes to it. Changing the pattern with your friendships is a great place to start! In some ways it is easier and less stressful. You will learn so much about yourself in this process. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Janja, You are really getting this! I know you feel pressure but it is important not to rush anything. Even though moving fast seems like it will quiet your anxiety, in the long run it will heightened it because you won’t have a solid foundation with someone. You can’t build a life, or a family, without a solid foundation. Building a solid foundation just takes time and patience. You’ll get there!

Enjoy your vacation.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Janja, Wow, you are really going for it! I am so proud of the hard work and exploration you are doing. It says so much about your intelligence and willingness to support yourself and create something new in your life.

I’m so glad you share about some of the lessons you learned in childhood. I want you to know that you are good enough! You are good enough in every way. You don’t have to be like other people, to surpass everyone in all things, to be enough. On the contrary, you just need to be yourself and that is more than enough!

In terms of meeting people, I know you don’t like it but I do think you can meet anyone anywhere. That being said, I should start to get more connected to your community and other people.
1. Volunteer for causes you believe in
2. Join an intramural sports group
3. Go to movie groups that watch movies and discuss them
4. Join an interesting book club
5. Talk you your guy friends as see where they meet woman
6. Let family and friends know you are ready to meet someone
7. Join some dating sites so that you can come in contact with more men but be sure to avoid the hook up sites because you want more than that
8. Do speed dating and meet 20 potential mates in 1 evening

There are opportunities all around you. And, when you meet these guys be sure to look for red flags that would tell you they are not to be taken seriously. You want to be with a guy who goes slowly, doesn’t say he wants to marry you after he’s just met you, doesn’t have a history of instability in his life, etc.

And, this isn’t a race, you need to give yourself a little time to find the right person and build the right relationship. Breathe and strategize. You can do this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jovan, I’m so proud of you! You really seem to be taking this information in and applying it to your situation! I think giving him a break gives him the opportunity to come back an pursue you which seems to be the best way to move into a committed relationship.

I would again emphasize that you don’t know what he is really like in a day to day situation simply because you haven’t met or spent time together one on one. I’m glad to hear you aren’t planning on moving to his city at this point. I would certainly spend a lot of time with someone, actual face to face time, before moving myself and child to be with them! I am a little concerned about what he means by “being sick and going through some sort of breakdown.” You need a lot more information about that; what does that mean, how frequently does it happen, does it affect his ability to work, function, etc. This could be a deal breaker.

I know it is difficult but give it a little time and I’m sure you will have more men interested in you. Get out and meet more single guys and let your friends know that you are ready to date someone who is ready for a real relationship. You can still talk to this guy but don’t make him the only game in town! You can do this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nicole, I’ve copied part of my above message below for you as I think it is important and hopefully helpful.

…Particularly the step where you apologize for something that hurt or upset him. Something happened during that last weekend together and it is important for you to understand what it was and to communicate that, along with a sincere apology, to him. While he does need to focus on the house arrest, whatever he saw that upset him is the thing that is getting in the way for him. This needs to be address before he will reconnect. Unfortunately, he won’t feel better if you rationalize that behavior. He needs you to understand that when you were acting ‘different and defensive” that was hurtful to him. Not because he is overly sensitive but probably because you weren’t happy and this confused him. Men are bored to make us happy and when we aren’t we need to reassure them that while we are stressed out, the still make us happy. This message will be stronger if you show him with your behavior versus explaining it to him….

You can simply send him a text saying something like “I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for acting different and defensive. I had a lot of things on my mind and didn’t deal well with the stress of them. You mean a lot to me and I’m sorry if I treated you disrespectfully.” Then, do nothing. Let him respond and respond back respectfully in a short and sweet manner. Then, refocus on you an your life. He needs time to work some things out but with space I believe he will reach out to you again. When he does, don’t respond immediately, let a few hours go by in between texts. If he calls, let the call go to voice mail and call him back later. He needs ti imagine that you are starting to loss interest to get him excited again.

I know, that is so different than how women think, but it is true. Mostly I want to suggest you do what you need to do to calm down and trust the process a bit. You were fine, whole and happy before him and you are exactly the same person now. The only different is that you’ve convinced yourself that you need him to be happy but you don’t.

Take advantage of this time to reconnect with yourself and feel whole again without him. It is important that you know how to do that because even when you are in partnership with someone you will have moments when he won’t be available physically or emotionally, and you need to know how to stay strong and not take that shift personally. There is still a lot you can do (some of it by not doing) so hang in there!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jovana, So nice to hear from you. Welcome to the community!

I can hear in your words how much you care about this person. It’s so nice when we finally feel that connection. While he is starting to pull away, I think there are some things you can do to shift things in the right direction.

Even though he said he isn’t taking you last upset to heart, it probably is nothing him to some degree. Rather than discussing it with him I would continue to show him what an amazing, confident woman you are! That will best communicate your true self!

Next, though it may seem counter intuitive, I suggest you take a step back. Don’t respond to his texts for a few hours. If he texts you late at night, don’t respond until the morning. In that case you could write something like “Sorry, I didn’t see this before I fell asleep…” Keep things super light and take a break from asking or suggesting that the two of you talk. Let him feel like he needs to work a little bit harder to get your attention and time! Remember, he needs to earn that!

Nest, when you send him a text to ignite his hero instinct, let it be about something other than how he is treating you in the relationship. Keeping it separate has a more powerful affect which is what you are looking for right now. I’d also rad James’ report of abundance dating so that you can enjoy the attention or other amazing men around you. This way you won’t feel like he is the only guy out there and it will take some pressure off of you and him!

Finally, have you thought about the reality of being in a long distance relationship. I’m not sure how far away this person lives but it is important to remember that you haven’t spend any face to face time together. This seems like an important step as it will show both of you, in a more accurate way, who you each are and what a relationship together would look like. I would encourage you not to make any long term decisions about this person until you’ve spent a lot of face to face time together.

I hope this gives you some ideas about how to proceed. Looking forward to hearing how it goes!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Felicia, welcome to the community! I’m so glad that you are here and asking for some support.

What you share is something I often see with married couples or couples that have been together a long time. It is hard to keep things fresh and new. You mention that things get better for a period of time then go back to square one. What is happening during those times that make them different? Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emma,
No, I don’t think it is bad the you still care for him and think about the potential of having a future together. I really acknowledge you for your 30 days of no contact. I think it says a lot that he reached out to you during that time. I’m wondering is additional 30 days would be good right now. Perhaps you respond to his communication (after waiting a bit of course) but don’t initiate any communication. We really want to turn the tides here so that he is chasing you and that will only happen if you give him a lot of space.

In the mean time, I would shift your focus to you, dance, etc. Get your life in such a place that it doesn’t feel as though you are really missing him anymore. When you can get there, that is where the magic can take place. You will become so irresistible to him. Then, I would slowly begin to rebuild. Please keep in mind what he said about you both being more mature in the future. He is telling you a lot with that statement. Explore the ways in which you have been immature and show him that you have changed by being different, by being more mature.

Give things some time to simmer, then boil, before trying to rebuilt. It will take some patience but will be worth it!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sandra, You’ve been through a lot of ups and downs with this guy. Seems, just from the little you share, that it’s been mostly downs not much ups.
You said, “Maybe it’s time to give up” in a word, yes, I think it is time to give up. This is not a guy who cares for you, is able to take care of you, or seems to bring much to the table. I imagine it is scary to move on after trying to make this work on and off for 5 years but I think there is so much more out there for you!

Have you read His Secret Obsession report? I think that is the place to start. No, not so that you can apply what you learn to him but so that you can apply what you learn to the new guys you are going to meet. There are so many guys out there who are awesome and who are ready to shower you with love and attention.

I would also recommend you read the book “Love Addiction” to understand why you have spent so much time on someone who seems to know that he can’t be a mature, consistent boyfriend let alone a partner. This is the type of guy that can pull on our heart strings to help, fix, change. The problem is, those types of guys take up too much time and energy and never grow up willingly.

I can’t stress enough that there is much more out there of you and maybe now is the perfect time to get out there and let yourself meet some men that are so ready to give you what you deserve!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Megan, as difficult as it is you are stepping away because he has decided that he doesn’t want to be in this relationship at this time. We don’t know what will happen in the future but he is moving in a different direction. I get the sense that you are ready for marriage and a family but I don’t get the sense that this is what he is wanting in his life right now. That is a big difference. If he isn’t ready or willing do you want to wait an undetermined amount of time or do you want to give yourself the opportunity to experience those dreams even if it is with someone else?

I totally get that this doesn’t make sense right now, and it may not make sense for some time. It is a process and I would encourage you to get as much support from family, friends, and perhaps even a therapist, as you can right now. It will be understandable difficult to move on but the love and support of those around you will make it less painful.

I promise that the more you focus on what didn’t work for you in this relationship, the easier it will be to let go. Hang in there and keep looking forward.

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Princess, As I went back and read through your communication, it sounds as though you haven’t actually met this guy in person yet. Is that accurate? If so, I would use this as an opportunity to flirt and be playful but perhaps it isn’t wise to take it seriously at this time. I would also suggest connecting with other people so that you aren’t focusing all of your energy on one person. Aa I recommended to Aura, read the reports on Flirting and Abundance Dating to help you connect with other guys and to increase your confidence level overall!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Aura, So, it seems like this Vet is on the fence about getting into a relationship. For now, I would focus on being super upbeat, playful and friendly when you see him monthly. BUT, I would avoid crossing the line into anything more for now. Why? Because he is moving into the territory of experiencing certain behavior without actually working at winning you over. Take a step back, stop texting and when you are at these monthly events let him come up to you. Talk for a few minutes, then walk away. Always be the one who ends the conversation or interaction. This may help to build more interest in him.

Also, start to date other people! This man is 5 hours away and right now all your romantic energy is going towards him which may be a bit overwhelming. Get out there, date and mingle because that will make you far more attractive to him. I know that may seem counter intuitive but men are competitive with other men and he may respond differently with a little competition.

Right now you need to change the direction of things so that he is chasing you. That might take some time but I believe things will reverse in time! I would also read the reports on Flirting and Abundance Dating to help you jump start this new strategy.

[Kanya D]

Hi Suzanne, Wow, you really are going through it right now. I can imagine how difficult this continues to be for you. Given what you’ve shared I would take a big step back and get your life in order. Even though it is difficult, you will be far more intriguing to him if you move forward and are happy.

When a women is really upset with a guy he tends to run for the hills because he isn’t sure how to help us with our big emotions. Like when you broke up, he said “Go if that was what you wanted to do.” I don’t think he didn’t care for you. I just think he knew he couldn’t give you what you needed to be happy-to marry you- and since men want us to be happy, he needed to let you go.

Here is a question; if the two of you were to get back together would you be okay taking marriage off the table? You need to get clear about that because it may not be an option for him. I know you are missing him and it is difficult to think about not being with him but it is important for you to accept him as he is. I do think that he will get tired of this 20 year old and I do think over time he would be interested in getting back together IF he truly believes he can make you happy.

In terms of The Relationship Rewrite, you need to work through EACH step, in the order that James recommends. This will take some time but going slowly is a good thing at this time! Be strategic, patient, and realize this is a marathon not a mud run. If you are truly in this for the long haul, take the time to invest in it even if you don’t get much in return for awhile! Take a breath and go for it!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nicole, I’m so glad that the two of you found each other. It sounds like such a sweet connection. I realize now is difficult but I encourage you to just see that as part of the price of admission to any relationship!

I encourage you to read “The Relationship Rewrite” and begin to implement the steps that James outlines in it. Particularly the step where you apologize for something that hurt or upset him. Something happened during that last weekend together and it is important for you to understand what it was and to communicate that, along with a sincere apology, to him. While he does need to focus on the house arrest, whatever he saw that upset him is the thing that is getting in the way for him. This needs to be address before he will reconnect. Unfortunately, he won’t feel better if you rationalize that behavior. He needs you to understand that when you were acting ‘different and defensive” that was hurtful to him. Not because he is overly sensitive but probably because you weren’t happy and this confused him. Men are bored to make us happy and when we aren’t we need to reassure them that while we are stressed out, the still make us happy. This message will be stronger if you show him with your behavior versus explaining it to him.

So, start with “The Relationship Rewrite,” begin to slowly implement the steps, and see this as the first speed bump in the relationship. These bumps are going to arise so learning how to deal with them respectfully is a good idea! Implement the respect principle, show him your light and fun side again and repair this upset one step at a time!

All the best,
Kanya

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