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Hi Bally, I think the two of you are learning to navigate the whole space thing in a relationship. It is difficult but super important. You mentioned that you were there every other night and that you understood that sometimes he might need alone time. I wonder if every other night was too much for him at times? It seems like he might not be great at asking for space so things may have been building up. And, he may be judging himself for wanting space. Instead of focusing on talking about how things could work out, show him that you can handle space.
Spend time doing fun things with family and friends. Start something new that will take some time and focus. When the two of you do talk, start to drop seeds about how things could be different int he future. Say things like “I realize I was probably spending too much time at your place. You know, you can always tell me if you needed space.” Think about the ways you responded to him when he did ask for space our did try to talk about something that was bothering him. How did you react? Is it possible that you sometimes felt emotional in a way that overwhelmed him. Remember, he wanted to keep you happy and if he felt he wasn’t doing that he could have been confused. Another seed might be something like “I know that sometimes I seemed really upset about something small. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t making me happy. I guess there are things for both os us to learn!”
Do not talk about getting back together. I would not even talk about missing him. Instead, let him know how much you enjoy hearing from him and talking to him. The difference is subtle but important! I have some more ideas but want to give you a chance to think about what I’ve shared and how to incorporate some of these ideas. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Eva, It sounds as though enough is enough with this person. While I hear that you are open to being friends, I would give yourself some time and space before exploring a friendship. There is an opportunity for you to set boundaries with him! If he contacts you, don’t engage in lengthy communications about a potential relationship. Don’t disclose information about you going on a date or seeing someone. It is simply none of his business at this point. If he asks if you are dating someone, don’t open up like he is your best friend because he isn’t. You can answer his question and also let him know that you aren’t comfortable giving him any details.
The reality is, this is an emotionally dangerous person to be friends with. Any time he senses you are moving on, he will come back for another chance. As Heidi shared, his desire for you gets activated at the thought of losing you. Then, his desire for space gets activated when he connects with you. He flip flops and is not able to control that. He just started seeing a therapist, he hasn’t made progress that will cause significant behavioral changes yet as this takes time! You have a pattern of taking care of these broken men. I suggest you take a 30 day break and really allow yourself space to disengage and determine what healthy boundaries are in this situation. Then, if you do reconnect with him, stick with those boundaries no matter what! Otherwise, he will keep coming and going and you will remain confused and unable to move forward. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Anna, I can relate to the pressure and confusion you are feeling. It is interesting that when you pull back a bit he steps forward and is sweet, etc. I suggest you continue to pull back a bit. Let him come to you. He keeps saying that he wants to talk yet he isn’t talking. Yes, he might be busy but there is more to it. He may be seeing someone else, may have personal things that are coming up for him, may be busy, etc. Unfortunately he isn’t being forthcoming enough to know what is actually going on. Taking a step back is also a good idea for you. I can understand that feeling of obsessing when you don’t have the answers. What things have helped you reconnect with yourself in the past? Do you journal or talk to friends, or meet with a therapist? All of these things could help you sort out and express what you are feeling. I think it is important to get is out and understand it first before talking to him about it. Right now there are things that you need to figure out and consider. Your emotions currently are in reaction to his behavior. Getting back in balance and being able to come from a place of empowerment and strength would help you figure some things out.
I’d also recommend you learn about the SAFE method of communicating before the two of you talk again. Here is a link to an article that James wrote that you might find interesting! Please read it over and think about how to implement the elements into your next conversation.
Kanya
Hi
I think it is important to understand that a serious relationship is not the same as a complicated relationship. You can be serious about a commitment and also have a fun and easy relationship. Do you have a sense of what he was talking about in terms of this being too complicated? When you get anxious about the relationship. do you ver try to push or force things? Do you find yourself talking about the relationship more than simply enjoying your time together? I agree that learning and introspection is super important. And, I think it is going to take some time for those changes to occur.
Is it possible that before jumping into dating again the two of you could simply spend time together and get to know each other in a new way? You both need to make changes if you are going to consider trying this again. What do you need to be different? Actually get clear about that and then be honest with yourself about his ability to be that person. I get that you really like him and there is a lot of interest and attraction but that isn’t always the best predictor of a healthy relationship. Actually, those feelings are often distractions for a relationship that isn’t working, that isn’t workable.
One of the best ways to get his attention and interest is to take a step back. What is the longest period of time that you have gone without initiating contact? Have you tried taking a 30 day break? I know that this probably seems too hard to imagine but it will give you a really good chance to disengage, rebalance, and let go of the attachment that you are understandably feeling. Is that something that you are willing to consider?
Kanya
Hi Lauren, Thanks for sharing more. This is clearly a lot for both of you to be dealing with. I was thinking of ways to help him feel more values and to have a larger sense of belonging. Have you read the book “The 5 Love Languages?” I think that it would help you understand his needs as well as your needs for emotional connection on a deeper level. Do you think that he would be open to reading the book together and identifying ways to more meaningfully connect and feel valued?
Kanya
Hi Lea, I love the way you are taking care of yourself. That is so inspiring! I’m curious, what are you noticing about how you are feeling, your resilience, and your outlook on life?
Kanya
Hi Maleika, Thanks for sharing more! I think it is normal to be nervous as times with a new person, expectably one who is not giving clear signals.
Given that the two of you have hung out 2 times since you connected in April, I get the sense that you might be on different pages. Is it possible that he is interested in a casual friendship while you are interested in more? Have the two of you talked about your time together as “dates” or just hang outs? Being on different pages would also account for his tendency to withdraw when his life gets busy. When you did hang out what was the affection level like? Did you ever hold hands or kiss when you met for the two hikes?
Kanya
Hi Miss D, I can totally relate as I to am really sensitive. You might want to check out the book “Highly Sensitive People.” I found it really helpful in understanding myself better and learning to have emotional boundaries with others. There is a lot of info online about it. Maybe check it out and see if it is something that resonates with you. There is also a book called “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” that you might find interesting.
One thing I would suggest is to learn to build up a healthy protective shell around your heart so that you are able to navigate more of the ups and downs of dating without feeling a high level of hurt. If you think of our physical bodies, we have the protection of skin, hard ribs around out internal organs, eye lashes to protect things form getting in to our eyes and an number of other, natural defense mechanisms to keep our body safe. We need to have the same types of protection around our heart. Some people have too much protection and have learned to not let anyone in and other people let people in too deeply before they have built a significant relationship.
The reason this is important is because anyone who is doing on line dating is inherently going to meet some jerks as well as people with good intentions who will let you down. Rather than assuming the next person is going to be the one, think of online dating as an exercise in getting to know yourself better. It is also important to get to know someone over a long period of time before getting attached. You did a great job in waiting to become intimate with the last person you were dating. Continue to do that but also pace your emotional attachment. When you find yourself imagining a future with someone, talk yourself through it so that you stay present with what is. Saying things like “That is a wonderful vision but we aren’t there yet. We are just getting to know each other and it isn’t time for me to attach to this person. Now is the time to have fun and get to know him.” Spending time with other people and spending time developing a stronger relationship with yourself is vital. Your primary connection and primary source of support needs to be with yourself and your close family and friends. That way, if a guy decided not to move forward you don’t feel as empty in their wake.
Think about the ways you want to feel with a guy and learn to give that to yourself. Do you want to feel special? What can you do each day to make yourself feel special? Do you want to feel loved? What can you do each day to feel love from yourself? DO you want to do fun things and share adventures? Make plans with friends to have these adventures. The more you are giving to yourself, the less dependent you will be on someone else to give those things to you. When you are in a relationship, continue to give you yourself while also feeling goo about that person. Yes they will show you love in a variety of ways and that will be amazing! And, you can continue to feed yourself by giving yourself love and support. In this way, you have the benefit of a solid attachment with yourself which is an important foundation to have in life!
So, on line dating. Trust your gut! Determine ahead of time what qualities are important to you and look for these qualities. Know that you will need to spend time with someone over the course of months, or even years, to determine who the real person is so don’t rely on who he tells you he is. Actually get to know him! It is okay to say no to someone that you aren’t interested in. Know that you will need to spend months getting to know someone to begin to know the real person and know that a commitment occur over night. Keep the lines of communication open and see if his actions match his words. Know that the attraction in the getting to know you phase will not determine if a relationship will occur. Only time, intention, and showing up can make build a relationship. If he decides not to move forward, learn how to not take it personally! Not everyone can be a long term match. When things end, go back to the first thing I mentions which is to use these situations as opportunities to learn more about yourself!
One last thing, I think it shows a lot of courage and strength to go to therapy when you need support. I think that there may be some more support available to you to work though giving your child up as well as your miscarriage. I can’t imagine how painful and complicated that was for you. You deserve to be at peace with that and to let go of anything related to that that is still present for you. I had two miscarriages and I remember being so shocked that people didn’t understand the pain that I was in. If there is ore grieving to do, I recommend you do it. It isn’t easy but it is important to care for yourself in this way. I hope this was helpful. I’m not sure when your membership is up but if I don’t talk to you again please know that we all wish you the best!
Kanya
Hi Maleika, Welcome to the forum. You must be so confused from all of these mixed signals. It seems very suspicious that he stopped texting you on the day he returned from his trip. This tells me that there is something, or someone, that gets in the way for him when he is home. As you shared, work can overwhelm him and of course worrying about not having his visa extended must be scary and stressful as well. In some ways it sounds as if things never really got off the ground and developed into something solid. Has he talked about the reasons he cannot be in a relationship of does he simply disappear?
While it is difficult to accept, his pattern is clear; every time you start to get close he ghosts you. It is really painful to try to build a relationship with someone who does this. Imagine starting to build a house and every few weeks, when you dome to the construction site, the house has been torn down. You spend time sorting out the part and start to rebuild and just when you get back to where you were — bam. The house gets knocked down again. Even if you have the best building materials and the best workers, will you ever be able to build a solid, functional house if it keeps getting knocked down? You are facing something similar. In addition to bot facing his fears and running when he gets close, does it seem likely that he is hiding something from you? I know this is hard to hear but it is important to trust your gut on what this person is communicating to you with his behavior. Have you ever met any of his friends or family? Has he met yours?
You mention that your text on the day he returned was ‘a little weird.’ can you elaborate? Thanks and I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Anna, The mixed signals continue. One thing I sense is that you are letting him lead here in terms of seeing each other and in terms of next steps. Given the current situation, my first question is are you still interested in seeing him? What are your must have’s? Clearly you want to go see his new home and where he lives. That seems reasonable. If neither or you is willing or able to move do you want to continue to invest in a relationship with him? Do you trust him enough, at this point, to spend time with him?
I think you might be referring to using a question to ignite his hero instinct. I’m not sure that this will be less confusing as he can be there for you but is also less motivated. One way to get him motivated is to be less available. If he wants to come see him you could let him know that you are still considering some things and that you are wanting a bit more time to do that before you meet. You could use the hero instinct to encourage him to open the door to you visiting him. Igniting the hero instance always start with the same text; I need your help. When he responds, you could say something like “I really want to see your home and where you live. It will help me understand things more and I really want to know more about your world.” If he continues to want to come to you that is a sign that he is not open to letting you in to his life in a meaning fully way. It sounds like you are wanting more than that. If he continues to compartmentalize you in his life then you have some clear information that will help you decide what is best for you.
You mention that are are afraid that if you offer to go to him he will find an excuse why you shouldn’t come. What about his doing this creates fear for you?
Kanya
Hi Lea, I love that you are feeling so clear and so strong! You might be surprised how woking on yourself makes room for someone new to come in to your life. What is it like to connect more with your playful, fun side? What ways do you see this coming out in your life?
Kanya
Hi Eva, I do have a few thoughts about adjusting some things on your end. It does take a long time to get to know someone. The first 3-6 months you are learning the basics about someone; how to they react during times of stress, what have their past relationships been like, are they consistent, can you trust them to keep their word, etc. This is the time to see the red flags and talk openly about them. This is the time to let your feelings and attachment develop slowly. Not all relationships ar meant to last and by 6 months you will have a sense of whether or not this is a person you want to try to build a relationship with. This decision is only partly made by the feeling of love that you have for them. The rest is based on a clear understanding of whether to not your personalities work together, you want the same things, and that your relationship styles are similar enough to work.
Everyone presents their best self initially which is why people seem to “change” the longer you get to know them. I is important to take this time before jumping ahead. This is definitely not the time to talk about moving in together, getting married, etc. often people do start to talk about it and then the learn something new about the other person or see something about the relationship that they question and they can pull away. This is when people also start to flip flop and give mixed signals which is confusing. The initial honeymoon phase is amazing and the nest stage is seeing people and things more clearly which can be scary. However, staying together as you learn to see each other as human and imperfect is important. It sounds like there is a pattern where both you and the guy are attaching too quickly and having a difficult time getting to the next level. There is a great book that might help you learn about the different stages of relationships and understand where you get stuck. It is called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills, Ph. D.
It sounds as though the two of you communicated a lot of this in writing. I’m not sure if that was texting or email. The thing is, you have to be able to have these conversations in person. One thing I note is that both of you would come to a conclusion or decision then tell the other person what you were going to do. When we are building a relationship with someone it is vital that we learn to talk these decisions through together. That way we can learn to help each other but also become more open about any patterns or behaviors that are adding stress to the relationship.
You can talk to him again about all of this but I would do so in person. Share your insights with him and give him the opportunity to talk about what wasn’t working for him. I think the final conversation sharing on his part was good to see that he understands that he needs to work things out. The challenge is, as someone who is empathic you might stay attached to him while he does that and put your needs on hold.
You shared a bit about your childhood and I am glad to see that you are considering this. Many of us learn that it is not good to be selfish but often the definition of selfish can cause a level of dependence in our relationships. We will need to be selfish to be whole. That means that we will need to set boundaries, say no to things that don’t work for us, advocate, and doing so many hurt the feelings of others. Learning to take care of ourselves is not a selfish act. It is vital to building healthy relationships.
When you ex would change or cancel plans last minute, what was he usually doing instead of spending time with you? What, or who, was he having a difficult time saying no to?
Kanya
Hi Anna, It is so amazing the you are having these conversations even though they are difficult. I am glad that they are making a difference. It makes sense that he wants someone that he sees daily as the two of you really enjoyed living together. I know you talked about the possibility of making changes to be together. What would you need to change to make that happen? Are you willing or even able to make those changes?
Kanya
Hi Natalia, It is nice to hear from you again. How long have the two of you been dating? I would not recommend trying to change him, or anyone. Instead use the time to get to know him and long for red flags or reasons to be concerned that he may not be able to give you what you want and deserve. You’ve only been dating for a short period of time. Rather than change him, take him at his word that he is going to dating other woman and avoid commitment because he fears it. Then ask yourself-is this someone I want to invest in? My hope is that you do not want to invest in building something with this person as he is telling you that he is not going to invest in building something with you.
Most people start dating with the idea of spending time together to see if feelings and attachment develop. This is important but even more important is learning who this person is and if you are on the same page with what you want to create together. If you aren’t on the same page then regardless of feelings you won’t be able to create what you want. This person has already told you he is not interested in creating something real, something serious. Trust that he is telling you who he is and rather than changing him, find someone who is on the same page and who does want the same thing. No need to invest in someone who isn’t heading in the same direction.
How long did you date your ex before you decided you wanted to be in a relationship with him?
Kanya
Hi Lea, This is a great time for a hair make over! I hope it made you feel special and amazing. It is such a good way to start to get used to something new and is super common after the ending of something. You can take that idea into other areas of your life as well. Maybe clean out your closets, buy some new clothes, change your decorating style. Doing these things actually make it easier to imagine and embrace change!
It sounds like you have a great support team! You also have a support team inside of yourself. Take time to acknowledge and love yourself through this. You are doing such a great job of supporting yourself in creating what you want. That is an amazing quality that should not be underestimated. You can also incorporate more fun, laughter, and light heartedness into your time with yourself, friends and family. That young part of you can heal and know that life is not all seriousness and hard work. There is so much to enjoy and experience and I hope that you are taking steps to give yourself more of that as you move forward.
Kanya
