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Hi Elisabeth, I just want to say that I really acknowledge how you are moving through a very, very difficult situation. I also agree with Heidi that monthly meetings will not be a benefit for you but rather for him. I do not recommend that you focus on helping him at this point. Rather, focus on helping you and moving forward. While you don’t currently have a relationship I truly believe you will at some point. You are a loving, caring being and it is only a matter of time before you find your next partner.
For now, take some time for you-away from your ex. Continue to love and support your own growth and learning. Soon you will be in a new place, with a new outlook, and a new relationship!
Kanya
Hi Regina, I don’t think this is a lost cause yet. Even though he is saying no, there are indirect ways to turn things around that you haven’t explored yet. I love the idea of no contact for 30 days. I would think this is for you, not him. You need some time to remember how awesome you are! Right now he is going through something but can’t really articulate it. I do think it may be related to his illness, what ever that is. So, give yourself some space to begin to more forward and imagine yourself with someone who is really there for you, someone who can’t wait to move in with you.
Then, after 30 days spend 3-6 months focusing on just being friends. DO NOT have sex with him as this is the last thing that will being him back to the relationship. DO NOT have sex unless or until he is recommitted to a relationship. In that 3-6 month period definitely trigger his hero instinct every 3-4 weeks. Let him see your needs and see that he can meet them. While being just his friend you can start to do the things you wished you had done in the past few months. Also, think about that the trial period was like, the ups and downs. Think about what he shared did and didn’t work for him and begin to make some shifts specific to his concerns. I’d also be spending time with friends and if they are guy friends that would be even better! Even though they are just friends, he probably won’t like the idea of you spending time with them and that is the reaction we are looking for!
I keep coming back to him being sick and wanting to be alone when he isn’t feeling well. A lot of me are like that and that is something that you can learn to navigate so that he has his space but can also find ways to stay connected! Think of this as a difficult you are going through together, even if he sees it differently at this point. Given your history I think that it deserves a little TLC for the next few months. I also recommend you read “The Relationship Rewrite” and after the 30 days begin to implement the strategies that James talks about. Don’t rush, go slow and steady and see if you can rebuild!
Kanya
Hi Cindy, That is something that we all have to deal with from time to time. I would suggest that you suggest, before he gets on a call, that it would be good FOR HIM to take a little break. Let him know that you know how important his work is but that everyone, even him, needs a break once in awhile. Suggest that it might be a good time to turn off the phone and just chill.
If you become another person or situation that pulls on him, he will see you as another part of the overwhelm. But, if you start to nurture him and encourage him to take better care of himself then you become his best friend and confidant!
Just out of curiosity, does he work on a commission basis or have quotas to meet with his job? If so, he probably feels a lot of pressure. If you can help him unwind and be his safe port in the crazy storm of his life then he will want to spend more time with you. Change your intentions a bit and see how he responds!
Kanya
Hi Mel, I really acknowledge you for all of the insight you have about yourself and your patterns. That is so amazing and will definitely help you in future relationships!
SO, what I hear about the pattern it is difficult to let someone in and once you do you start to feel awkward, second guessing yourself, etc. Eventually you do look at what you are feeling and express it. The challenge is, you often express it in an immature, angry way and sometimes ac the opposite of what you want. Is this accurate? It sounds as though as you get deeper into a relationship, really letting someone in more deeply, you start to feel uncomfortable with the natural feeling of vulnerability that come with letting someone in. That makes sense and I think it is a common experience because let’s face it, no one wants to get hurt or rejected.
I think the way to change the pattern is to deal with those feelings right away. You can comfort yourself and reassure yourself that what you are feeling is natural. Talk kindly to your partner about what you re feeling because they are probably feeling the same thing. You can also talk to friends who have been through this and have learned to tolerate those feelings. If you can manage them a little at a time that is often better. It doesn’t work well to wait and then explode with a lot of intense emotion. This is confusing to men and often gives then the idea that they can’t make us happy which is not the case. Men need us to be respectful in our communication with them or else the won’t communicate with us.
There is a book that you might find interesting called “A Fine Romance.” The book outlines the stages that people go through to build a sustaining relationship as well as the vulnerable feelings we have along the way. I think it would be really helpful to you in understanding your pattern more fully and identifying ways to approach things differently in the future. Take a look at let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi De B, It sounds like you have moments when this makes sense and that is a good sign! You will have good days and bad, ups and downs, as you take this journey forward. That is a normal part of the process. Keep at it and you will soon start to notice that things are getting easier.
I hear in your emails that you are asking a lot of questions in your mind about this. Unfortunately, we don’t always have answers to these questions. You don’t know what he is thinking or feeling and whether or not he is struggling. It is important to remember that there is something off about him. He has proven in the past his ability to shut off his emotions. Do not assume that you are responsible for that or that there is something wrong with you because he no longer cares. You are amazing, strong, powerful woman. You will keep getting stronger and stronger in all of this and he will just end up hurting the next women who is in his life.
The book I mentioned, “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship” is available on Amazon and most other online book stores. I suggest you get it and start to read it now as I think it would be very helpful to you and what you are going through!!! Keep going because you are moving through it and will get to the other side!
Kanya
Hi Cindy, I suggest you empathize with him. One way of dong that would be to say something like “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry that you are so busy and stressed. Is there anything I can do to help alleviate some pressure?” That way you let him vent, be understanding, and offer to help but he is still in charge of how he wants to handle his stress. I totally understand that you want to do more but sometimes when we do that our guy can misunderstand and not feel supported.
Another thing you could suggest is that you hang out so that he gets a much needed break from all that he is doing. It’s also important to understand that for some men it is important to build their kingdom before building a relationship. I’m referring to the work of Alison Armstrong. If you aren’t familiar with her ideas I would highly suggest you read “The Amazing Development of Men.” In it she outlines the path men take in their development. It is fascinating and sooooo helpful in understanding men. I think you would learn a lot about your guy from reading it.
Kanya
Hi De B, I’m so sorry that this is so very painful. A break up is always painful but this one is especially painful because of how it was handled. I would imagine everything feels shocking at this time. I’m so sorry. Thinking about what has been lost is normal, a way that our brain processes the loss. You can, over time, start to redirect your brain to less painful thoughts. Right now I hear that it is impossible to imagine that you will be happy again, that you will find anyone and have a relationship that is safe and easier. But, I promise that will happen one day.
I can’t help but wonder if part of your pain relates to the pain of being with someone who mistreated you, who abused you. In those situations the person who is being abused has to push their pain down because it tends to anger the abuser. Given what you cared about the relationship I think this might be at play. Please continue to get support so that you can process this. Weekly therapy will also help you develop skills that will make it easier to direct your thoughts. One things that may be helpful to you right now is to read the book “The Emotionally abusive Relationship.” I think it would give you more insight into the dynamic with your ex and help you begin to let go and take steps forward!
I know this is difficult but remember that this pain is temporary. It will get better in the days and weeks to come. You will feel better, more alive, more empowered. Get your team of family and friends together who can support you when you need it. We are also here to support you. Try to do something nurturing for yourself this weekend. I know it is hard but you are doing great!
Kanya
Hi Kwanna, I’m sorry the two of you are going through a difficult time. I know it is really painful but I think if you can be calm and patient the two of you could work this out.
Any relationship will have growing pains. When that happens it is important to work together to work through the issue. He has shared an issue with you. When you two argue you do something that he finds hurtful, that doesn’t work for him. That doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. That just means that the two of you are learning how to have a better relationship.All couples need to learn how to treat each other, how to respond to each other, how to work with each other. It sounds like your boyfriend is asking for that. This is good! He’s willing to tell you what is bothering him.
So, instead of sending intense texts about how much you need him (that is probably hurting the situation at this point) you need to send a different kind of text. I would say something like “I’ve been thinking and you’re right, when I’m mad I do bring up what I do for you. I’m sorry. I need to be a better listener” Then, stop texting! Give him some time and space to process all of this. Men need to be on their own to do that and sometimes that takes time. So, like your friends are telling you, give him some space.
My sense is he wants to be with you but you both need to learn how to deal with upset and differences better. You can’t argue to the point where you are both yelling and your minds are going in so many different directions. You need to be more mature and learn to stay calm when you are upset. Sometimes that means taking a break from the conversation so that you can calm down. Then, you can talk again when both of you are calm and ready to find a solution.
I know that is difficult to imagine but it is vital to having a solid relationship. Right now, sending him texts about how he completes you and how you need him to survive will only overwhelm him. In reality, you were whole before you met him and if you two actually do break up one day you will still be whole. No one completes us. We are born complete.
Finally, when he is upset about something it is important to listen and be respectful. You may not agree but if you dismiss what he is saying by talking about all the things you do for him he will understandably feel as if you won’t listen to him, aren’t willing to give him more of what he needs. Men rarely ask us for something on an emotional level. When they do, it is important that we listen and try to give then what they are asking for. AS I shared earlier, the fact that he is sharing is a really, really good thing.
So, be patient. Give him time to process and talk calmly with each other. I really think that if you can utilize the Respect Principle and not push him that he will be willing to work things out. Yes, it could take a few days, or even weeks, but that is okay. Taking the time now to build a better relationship will certainly pay off in the future! For the time being, do not spill your emotions on to him. He is not in a place where he can deal with that. So, be patient and think about how to give him what he wants so you can repair the current situation. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Qianwen, Wow, that is an amazing response. A text and 3 missed calls. I think it is safe to say that igniting his hero instinct is working.
Now, in terms of what to ask. That varies from person to person depending on what your guys is good at, interested in, etc. What you ask isn’t as important as how you ask it which you’ve already seen explained on the site. So, in terms of ideas, several come to mind. Is he good at finances? Then I would ask him something about that. Does he like to do things around his house? If so, I would ask him to help yu with something you need to do at home. Perhaps he has a favorite restaurant that he talks about. In that case, you could ask him where it is so that you can go with some friends. Does he like to cook because you could always ask him for a recipe or his ideas about what store to go to for special ingredients. If he is good at computers you could ask him how to set something up on your computer.
Here is an example that you can change to meet your specific needs. Let’s say he has talked about a restaurant that he really liked. You can say something like “Remember that restaurant you talked about having really good fish? Do you remember where it was because I want to take some friends there.” That’s it. Then he sends you the information, you say “Thanks!” and then sit back and don’t communicate more. Most likely he will reach out to you within a week to see how you ae. Be light and breezy. Don’t talk about missing him or wanting to see him. Let him think that you are moving on and he will start to miss you more!
I wouldn’t overuse the”I need your help” text but the next time you use it I would suggest you have an idea ahead of time about what help you would like to ask for so that you can respond to him when he asks. I’m so excited that this is working so well so quickly. Please keep us posted as we’re happy to help you move through this process!
All the best,
KanyaH De B, I want to reassure you that it makes sense that it is difficult for you to move forward. In a way your brain has been over trained to want to be with him due to the fact that slowly overtime you stopped trusting yourself and started to trust him. When that happens we become overly dependent emotionally and when that person leaves we feel devastated. This makes sense as you stopped trusting yourself and caring for yourself a long time ago. As you start to do that again, really take care of you, it will become easier and easier to move forward. I’m really glad you are seeing your therapist weekly as this will be helpful for you to have a team to assist you through this.
You are not responsible for his physical abuse. I would imagine that he has been physically abusive with other woman even if you don’t know about it. He has cheating with many women and I would imagine that somewhere along the line there was physical abuse. You are not responsible for that behavior, it is part of his personality and no, it won’t go away with time. He functions in life by being controlling and that will not change, no matter what! Even if things escalated more with the two of you, it sounds like together you were not a good combination. I hear that you are continuing to take responsibility for his behavior and I would encourage you to stop. He is the only one who is responsible. Even of things got out of hand, anger got triggered, etc he, like the rest of us, is responsible for walking away, for calming down, for managing his feelings in another way.
I know this is really hard and I want you to know that you are doing a great job! Keep focusing on what didn’t work about the relationship (rather than dreaming about the fantasy relationship you wanted to have) and things will get easier. One day soon you will have a difficult time understanding why you were with him at all. Take good care of yourself and surround yourself with gentle, loving family and friends who can help you through this! We’re here so please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Module, WOW, I am amazed to hear about all you are doing including getting a new job. It seems as though things are really shifting for you! I understand it can be difficult to move on, when we spend a lot of time imagining how a relationship could be, our brain attaches to that person as if the relationship was actually happening!
The best way to stop obsessing is to work with it every time you notice yourself thinking about him. You can say something to yourself like “That is a great fantasy but it isn’t reality. The reality is I am an amazing woman who is ready for a real relationship with a real man. From now on I will only think about men who are in my life, pursuing me and working towards being my boyfriend.” Then go do something that makes you feel good. You can go for a walk, give yourself a facial, watch funny videos on tube, practice yoga, smell a yummy candle. Just immediately do something that feels good. Over time you will layer your sadness about him with happy, positive thoughts and it won’t hurt as much when you think of him. If you really committee to doing this EVERY TIME you feel sentimental about what could have been, you will see a tremendous change in just a week. I promise! Keep up the great work and please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Elisabeth, I can hear in your words your wisdom and hope that you will understand this on a deep and abiding level. I do think that is a wonderful attribute that you have. You are bringing a lot of love and grace to this process.
I am so glad that you are really beginning to see all that you brought to this relationship. It sounds as though you gave so much and asked to little in return. I do wonder why you feel the need to hide your pain from him, to reassure him that his behavior is a gift without acknowledging the pain of it. I realize that you are used to caring for him in this way but I do encourage you to stop putting his needs ahead of yours. You are an amazing woman and you have the right to your feelings and experience just as they are. If he doesn’t like that then he doesn’t need to be around you, doesn’t need to spend time with you.
If the two of you are truly about authenticity, honesty, then I encourage you to be honest with what you are experiencing in all of this. You get to choose if you want to share that with him but I hope you are allowing yourself the time and space to process everything. You have been in this relationship for 25 years and I imagine it will take a long time to fully process your grieve about the ending of it.
As Heidi shared, we are here to support you and encourage you so please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi De B, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This must just seem so overwhelming to you. I agree with what Heidi shared in that it is clear that this man is disturbed and was clearly abusive to you. I get the feeling that the things you shared above are just the tip of the iceberg.
You stayed with a man who hurt your cats to get back at you. You stayed with someone who broke your arm. ENOUGH. Enough. When you think of the 100 good things please remember every mean thing he said, every push, shove, and criticism. Remember that he burt your sweet an innocent cats just to prove he was bigger and physically stronger. He is a bully who will do what ever he needs to do to put others down and it raised himself up. I agree that you need to be careful. Don’t see him. Don’t indulge the fantasy that you can have a different life with him because it isn’t possible. He is not capable of it.
You shared something in your last message that is very important for you to recognize. You said that you loved him more than you loved yourself. We need to love ourselves more than anyone else so that we can take care of ourselves. This is important because it helps us to recognize red flags and dangerous behavior. You need to love yourself first so that the next time anyone mistreats or abuses you, you will leave right then and not look back. This is very important because I don’t want you to think any of this is okay with the next person you date. No one has the right to hurt you or control you. When you see these signs in someone in the future you need to cut all ties with them and move forward.
While it may not be easy it is vital to keep yourself safe. It is also important because as you say no to the people that don’t appreciate you or treat you well then you get to say yes to the men who will love and care for you without control or manipulation. I know it is very difficult right now but you can do this!
If you need to go stay with a friend for a few days to let yourself get some distance. I would recommend you change the locks on the house asap and make sure that if there is a door from the garage into the house that it has multiple locks on it. Your safety is so important!
It will take some time for your feelings to change but if you keep remembering the bad stuff it will happen much faster. Don’t get caught up in the fantasy of what could be. Fully recognize what was and accept that as the reality. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Emma, You’re doing a great job! As you move forward remember to hold back a bit. Let him initiate some communication and take your time responding! Focus on being friends for now. Avoid getting intimate in any way. If he pushes for that just say something like “I think being friends is a good idea for now.” and leave it at that. You really want to build his interest again and get him wanting you back and in a relationship before moving into that arena.
So proud of you! Keep up the good work!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Wow-you are a warrior! While I am so sorry for the difficulty of this situation, I am so happy that he is GONE! you were so strong in dealing with him and saying no more. I hope you remember that and realize you are strong in ways you never imagined!
I see that you tend to avoid conflict which is understandable so I am even more impressed that you put your foot down. You were serious so he recognized that you were serious too and acted accordingly. You have your home back which is wonderful. I would encourage you to break all ties with him; block him from being able to contact you, change your locks and security codes. This man is disturbed and in toxic to you. You don’t have to be kind to him or caring or give to him in any way. He is like a vampire-he will take from you until there is noting left to take.
I am so excited for the new life you re beginning. Please take your time healing form this before you get involved with anyone new. It is a good time to reflect on the decisions that got you to this place so that you learn form them and move forward knowing what you deserve. It is also important to know that you have a voice and you can say to to anyone or anything that does not feel right to you. This is very important! While you want to see the best in people, you need to be willing to see them as they are. Otherwise you could get yourself in a similar situation in the future. Isn’t it interesting that you were not willing to get the law involved in kicking him out of your home yet he was happy to call the sheriff once he through you wouldn’t give him the rest of his things. You stood up for yourself and now is time to move forward. If he comes back, makes promises, says he just needs a place to stay etc. say NO. Don’t let him in your home or life again as he will only take advantage of you as he is a deeply disturbed individual.
For now-rejoice! You are amazing!!! And I so acknowledge you for sharing your story in hopes that it will help someone else in the future!
Kanya
