[Kanya D]

Hi Jovana, I think the tis a great message. It is clear and respectful. You are at a place where you won’t keep doing what you are doing and I think it is good to tell him at this point. If he says he wants the relationship to continue, let him know what you need to be willing to go forward. If he continues with silence then unfortunately that in and of itself is an answer.

If I remember correctly, you two are in different cities and haven’t yet met. Perhaps it is time to date closer to home. It is so much easier to get to know someone when you can see them face to face, spend time together, meet each other’s family and friends. He could bring you a real bouquet of flowers which you so deserve!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Ingrid, I am so sorry that this is happening. You are right, you are grieving. As a grief facilitator you know how big of a process that can be. I think your question about what you used to do before you met him is normal. When we start a new relationship we often do embrace the new life with the new person and our old life can fade away a bit. It will take you a bit of time but you are clearly a strong, empowered woman so I know you will find your balance again is short order.

For now be sure to take really, really good care of yourself; get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise, spend time with friends and people who can nurture and love you right now. This is what you need to heal a broken heart. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a hug. Break ups are the worst and this type of break up is almost inconceivable. Take heart, this is a temporary feeling. You will get too the other side and will be stronger as a result. Give yourself some time and you will get there-I promise!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tien, Wow, these are really great conversation starters! My sense is when you see him again you will have a lot to talk about. It sounds like your question match your personality and are things that you really are interested in. I acknowledge how well thought out these questions are. That is important because you want to feel like you are having a conversations versus asking him a series of question.

Overall how are things going? DO you feel like you are getting this guys attention more and more. Please keep us posted as we are here to support this endeavor!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jovana, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! It is helpful to hear other people’s dating experience as it really helps everyone feel understood and connected. I love this amazing community of woman that we are a part of.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Arleen, I’m acknowledge for the patience and support that you are offering him. I would not be surprised if it takes him a few months for his heart to heal from all the loss. He has been through a lot and this process may get in the way of him being able to be fully present for awhile. If you want a true break then yes, take that for you. But, if you are suggesting a break in hopes that it will shake him up a bit and remember his feelings for you, that might back fire. While he will miss you, he may not have energy to reconnect at the end of the break. He might interpret this as a need to end the relationship rather than a normal reaction to grief that he is going through.

Have the two of you talked about going to therapy for some support? It might be helpful to hear a third party reflect back wit they are seeing and what you can both expect at this time. You and your boyfriend have such a solid history, I’d hate to see it end prematurely if it doesn’t have to!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tiffany, I can understand being nervous but I think you already said the answer-be yourself! Go into this conversation with the attitude that this relationship is in process and the two o you will figure out your next steps together. You each have an equal voice so be sure to remember that. When you meet, focus inhaling fun. Let the conversation flow organically.

He may say things that feel hurtful or upsetting but do your best to not express your anger in a personal way. Be willing to admit that you made a mistake in how you reacted. Be willing to share vulnerably about how you care for him and what you want the relationship to be like.

Be yourself, be honest. That is the best thing you can do. Go for it!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

HI Tiffany, I’m so glad you are reaching out for some thoughts. My sense is that you aid he could go because, as you said, you don’t want him to ‘suffer.’ I would ignite his hero instinct by saying something like “I need your help.” Then ask him to help you with something or answer a question about something that he knows a lot about. After he responds I would say something like; “I’m sorry I wasn’t more positive when you asked about our future. I think I was just feeling scared because of how happy I am. I really like being with you and our relationship makes me so happy! I do think we have a future and I can’t wait to see you again!.”

Then step back and let your words wash over him. In time he will want to keep making you happy and then things will really move forward. I know it may seem like you should do more but in this situation I think less is more. Give it a try and feel free to check back for next steps.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Maria, I’m so glad that you are reaching out for some ideas. I can really understand why you would be frustrated at this point. It sounds as though you were wanting things to move at a different pace but have been willing to move slowly in support of what he needed.

I agree that it is time to have a conversation but I’m wondering if you are open to some feedback about how to approach it. One thing to remember about men is that they don’t process their emotions in the same way that we do. If we want to avoid them reacting like a deer in head lights we need to be strategic about how we approach them with questions about the relationship.

I would start preparing for the conversation now by being positive, flirty, and playful. You want to set the stage for him feeling safe and comfortable about moving forward. I would start by talking about how happy you are and how great things are going. Focusing on the positives in the relationship is super important. Give him some space to share as well. Then say something like, “Im feeling like I’m ready to take things to the next level and I just wanted to see how you feel about that.” Then, stop talking. Smile, make eye contact and give him some space to think. Eventually he will start to talk. If he isn’t being clear you can say things like “That’s kind of interesting. Can you tell me more about what you are thinking?” Even though you will want to jump in and move things along, give him space because he process differently. Don’t feel you need to figure it all out in one conversation. This is a big step and he may need some time to think about it and work things out.

If he isn’t ready, or can’t define when he will be ready, it might be a good idea to take a step back as you described. I just suggest you not rush through this step as it could go either way. Sometimes we mistake a lack of an answer for disinterest when really it is just a lot of questioning about how things could work out.

I hope this gives you some direction. Please keep us posted as we are here to support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, I can understand why it is sometimes more difficult to be close to a man than a woman. I think a lot of people struggle with finding appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex.

I like that you are trying to make eye contact and can appreciate that it is distracting at times. Let me share a trick that my clients have found helpful. Rather than trying to look into their eyes, let yourself look at their foreheads instead. That is often a lot easier than looking someone in the eye. And, no one can tell whether you are looking in their eyes or at their forehead. You can also practice looking at their forehead, looking away, and back again. I suggest you practice in front of the mirror to see how this looks. It is a great way to find ways to feel more comfortable. It takes some practice but if you really commit to doing it you can see some big changes in your comfort level in just a month or so.

In terms of feeling uncomfortable when standing next to a man, here is something you can try. Imagine that you have energy that surrounds your body. Initially you will sense that the energy comes out just a few inches from your body. Now, imagine the energy getting bigger until it radiates out about a foot from your body. This is your personal space and no one gets to come into that space without your permission. Over time this visual will help you to feel safe and comfortable int he presence of men. You can imagine this energy as a beautiful color that only you can see and feel. It is a very powerful way to claim your space in the world. Please try the 2 exercises I mentioned and let me know what you think!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi De B, It sounds like the two of you are still going through some difficult terrain. I think that being in therapy would help you answer many of the questions that you posed above. I think that you have something called an Anxious Attachment style and that it why it feels like you can’t live without him. I think that ongoing therapy with someone who understands this will be very helpful to breaking that pattern.

I also agree that you need to give up drinking and develop other coping mechanisms to deal with your emotions. It will take some time to do this. I think you will need 6-12 months to really get a handle on this and to begin to develop the inner strength we all deserve to have and experience.

In terms of making any decisions about whether or not you want to give the relationship another try I don’t think now is the time to make that decision. I think you both need time to heal and grown. As I said above, I think it could take a long time before either of you are in a place to make the decision about the relationship. Realize that when the healing has occurred, when you are each whole, you will be different people. Very different. Since you don’t know what that will be like, you can’t make a decision about what you will want. And, since he will be different you can’t make a decision about whether or not you will want him. You can’t know that until you each go through the transformation you have begun.

I want to tell you what an amazing job you are doing in all of this. I can only imagine how difficult it is but you are doing it! That is such a reflection of your strength and courage. You will get through this and be a stronger, more empowered woman as a result. Hang in there!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi, Let me reassure you that all is not lost. As you said, yesterday you were talking about being together forever so this is more of a generic argument or disagreement. I think that it is difficult for younger people who are still learning about relationships to understand that not everything needs to be an argument. It is possible to disagree with your partner and not even argue about it. You sometimes have to agree to disagree.

That being said, I would let it go for now. You are on FB now and will see his posts etc. As you said, he is a stand up guy. It sound like he did block her initially but maybe then she did shut down her account for awhile. The ‘truth’ is probably a combination of what you think and what he thinks. That will happen sometimes in a relationship and it is important to remember that this doesn’t mean someone is lying to us – we just see and/or remember situations and events differently. Learning to let these moments go is vital to creating a stable relationship.

I’m glad that you mention that you sometimes over react as it is important for you to see this. Men get what I call “emotionally fatigued” at times when dealing with their relationships. That means they want to talk about the logics of something when we want to express our emotions. When a guy becomes emotionally fatigued he will go into fight or flight mode. Look for those signs and pull back on your emotions before he gets overwhelmed. You can always take a break and talk about things later in a calm manner. This is important because one of the most damaging thing is relationships is too many arguments, too many situations were someone is triggered into fight or flight.

For now, apologize if your reaction, warranted or not, was too much. Let him know that you trust him and that while the two of you don’t agree about what has transpired you know he is a stand up guy and that is what is most important. One of the best things we can learn in life is to learn to let things go. Of course, that won’t always be easy but it is a life skill worth developing.

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Arleen, It is always difficult in blended families to know the roles each member of the family has. Before we get into parenting roles, I think there are some bigger issues at play.

Given all the loss that your boyfriend has gone through of late I think it is going to be some time before things are ‘back to normal.’ During the time you need to be careful about over doing for him as that seems to upset him and also pulls on your energies. In these situations time usually is the thing that heals all. AS his heart heals, he will be more available to you and your kids.

For now, decide what role makes sense for him to have with your children. I get that it is difficult to let go of control and still balance trusting your gut and knowing what is best for your kids. Move slowly, allowing him to play a bigger role little by little. This will make it easier for everyone to climate to the changes! You have been together for several years now and this is just a difficult time that you are going through. You clearly have enough love and respect to weather this step by step!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Elisabeth, That is a beautiful way to explain something very painful. I hope that you are working with a therapist or counselor one on one to help you through this difficult time.

In terms of having a heart to heart with your ex, my concern is that these types of conversations may keep you tied to him at a heart level making it difficult to move on. Choose wisely the degree to which you want to do this with him. He has already betrayed your trust and I wonder if he will do it again. You get to determine how much of your vulnerability you want to share with him going forward. Choose wisely!

I’m glad you are letting us help you. Keep checking in and sharing where you are and what you need!

All the best,
Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Sarah, I’m so glad you are reaching out for some support. This sounds a little chaotic right now with this guy.

I would take a step back. Don’t always answer when he calls. Let him wonder where you are and what you are doing instead of answering him. When you do talk, if he questions this, let him know that you aren’t always available and maybe he needs to unblock you so that you can call him back when you are free. When you do talk, make sure you are the one that ends the conversation. Even though he says he misses you, does that mean as a friend of more? Do not get reinvolved sexually until he is ready to be in a relationship tis you. This will defiantly include a plan about how to move forward and take the relationship to the next level.

I also highly recommend you read “The Relationship Rewrite” available on this site. In it James shares a very strategic plan about how to get things back on track with your ex. Begin to slowly incorporate the steps and be willing to be patient. You are in a very good spot right now – he is pursuing you again. Do not take it too easy on him. Make the most of it!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Melissa! I am so proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to ask for peoples opinion on us as we never know what we are going to hear. It sounds like you received so much amazing information. This relationship did change you; it took away your confidence, made you feel scacey and scattered, affected your moods and your ability to do your work effectively. Wow, such great information. I also acknowledge your coworkers for their honest and transparent feedback.

It sounds like this was really helpful in terms of moving forward. I love that you are aware of what you did that contributed to this and what you will avoid in the future. When we can use everything for our learning, upliftment, and growth life truly transforms. Well done!

Kanya

[Author]

Posts