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Hi Joy, He does sound so busy and focused on these other areas of his life. In reading the secret obsession, did you notice the ways that you can get his attention, be flirtatious, playful, and irresistible? I think you can so those things when you go visit him in his shop. Did you take a look at the text message formulas that came with His Secret Obsession package? Using the curiosity phrases would be beneficial. I wonder if you had the opportunity to try them. Texting would be an important way to stay in touch and increase his interest.
Have you been able to ignite his Hero Instinct? Even though he is busy I think this could be helpful in many ways. I know the book talks about the different ways to do that. What have you tried and what could you still try in terms of igniting this important part of him?
You could also talk to him about his interests and talk about some activities you might do outside of the shop. I realize all of his time is accounted for but in order to build a relationship you need to get to know each other and spend time together.
I know you visit him, why not see if you can help him with the shop? That could make you feel more a part of his life and help him see how beneficial that would be. Given his current focus, he may not be interested in a relationship but all that you are doing is building a foundation that will deepen your friendship and connection. When he is ready he will naturally want to develop something more with you. It will take some time but I do think it will pay off in the end.
Kanya
Hi Marie, In terms of your texts, I would continue to flirt and be playful in your texts. Given that you aren’t seeing each other much your playfulness is important as it helps him know that you are interested, that he does make you happy.
When you talk I would let him know that meeting late or meeting half way doesn’t really work for you. Yes, if you have had a lot of connection and time together you may be willing to do that once in awhile, but you don’t want it to be the norm. As the two of you talk face to face perhaps you can come up with a plan that will allow you to spend more quality time together.
Have you thought through the real impediments to having a relationship with someone who lives 3 hours away and works these sorts of hours? What is realistic to expect and will that be enough to build and sustain connection? It is important for you to ask yourself these questions so that you are clear going into a conversation about your expectations.
It sounds as though you won’t see each other for another few weeks so you do have time to think about things. In the mean time, be playful and friendly in your communication and enjoy your time!
Kanya
Hi Anita, How wonderful that the two of you found the courage to shift from a friendship to more! It sounds like the feelings, the connection is there with is fabulous. I’m wondering,w as he more affectionate or more sexual when you first started to date? He may just be the kind of guy who shows his affection, his love and caring, in other ways. It is really important to understand the different ways he is showing you that he loves you so that you don’t get stuck wanting it to come in one specific channel.
Have you ever read the book “The Five Love Languages?” This is a great book that talks about the 5 different ways people show their love. I definitely suggest that you pick up a copy and perhaps you can both read it and understand each other at a deeper level. You will understand the needs of each other better but also learn to recognize the things that he is doing to demonstrate love for you. Yes, it may be different than you need but it will be a way to start to find the middle ground with each other.
It is interesting to me that you have been dating for only 5 months yet you are already living with each other. In moving that fast you two didn’t give each other the time to really learn who the other person was in a relationship. You knew what you were like in a close friendship but not a romantic relationship. Right now you are still learning what the other wants and needs, what they value, what is important, what their limitations and imperfections are. The reason it is important to know this before we jump ahead is because it is easier to deal with the reality of who that person turns out to be. This is a normal process. Right now it may feel a little overwhelming as you learn, day by day, who you are together, where your differences lie, and how to bridge those differences.
The reality is, he may never have a libido like yours. Having sex 1-2 times per week might be the most he has to give. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care for you. It is just one area of difference. All couple deal with areas of differences and learn to adapt. The couples that seem the happiest have learned to adapt without taking their differences personally or taking them to heart!
The main focus should be on the things about the relationship that do work. In reality, the better you feel about that the more relaxed he will be and the more likely he will want to connect sexually. Given that he is under house arrest I would imagine his stress level is really high. Stress frequently gets in the way for men. I would focus on trying to help him, provide an environment where he feels safe and secure.
You will probably be the partner who initiates sex more frequently because you think about it more. I would embrace that role and learn to work with it in a positive way! You guys are still at the beginning with so much to learn about each other. Enjoy the process!
Kanya
Hi Joy, how great that you met someone you feel such a connection with. I think it is a great idea to find some ways to strengthen that connection!
There are a few reports on this site that I think would be interesting as well as helpful. There is a report on the art of flirting as well as one on interesting conversation starters. Have you read “His Secret Obsession?” I think this would be super helpful for you! It really gets into the specifics of how to get a man to notice you and be interested in you. I would get it, read through it, and begin to implement the strategies. My sense is you will see a real turn around! Give it a try and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Theresa, You are dealing with a special set of circumstances so I am so glad that you are reaching out for some thoughts. I wonder if you are focusing too much on your ‘physical limitations?’ AS you shared you don’t think, act, of feel your age. And my guess is, you don’t feel like you are limited in any way even thought your psychical body sometimes has limitations.
I think the best way to meet people is to spend time with people around your age who have a similar outlook on life. Are there any social clubs or groups that might be interesting and a way to meet people? Many offer interesting activities and trips the you can share with new people and make new connections. What about continuing education classes at a local college or university? You would meet people of many different ages that you might have things in common with.
What if you got a part time job doing something you really like to do? You’d potentially meet a lot of new people who have similar interests. You might also volunteer and share your knowledge with others. If you have friends in similar situations you could get together on a regular basis and bring other friends with you so that you all expand your circle.
You may have thought of some of these ideas to even tried them. If so, I don’t mean to be resident but these are the things that come to mind. Please feel free to write back and let me know wha you’ve tried and the areas that are still of interest so that I can support you!
Kanya
Hi Jackie, I am so happy to hear that you have found such a good friend. It is always nice to find someone that is easy to spend time with and that seems to get you. Here is my question; do you want to be his friend or more? The reason I ask is because he is currently committed to this other woman. He clearly likes spending time with you and says that he is “won’t allow anything to happen to your relationship” he is already letting something happen to the relationship-he is letting her dictate how and when he communicates with you.
have the two of you talked about this? I’m wondering what his goal is in all of this. That may be important for you to know as it might determine your next steps. I suggest you thin about what he has already shared with you and think of some clarifying, open ended questions. An example might be, “So, given your commitment to he other relationship, where do you see this going?” Then, sit back and listen. Fight the desire to answer the question for him and really hear what he has to say.
Once you have more information I think your next steps will clarify. Let us know how the conversation goes and we can help you determine what you can do next!
Kanya
Hi S B, I am so glad that you were willing to take a chance on this guy. He seems great and the two of you seem to have a really nice connection. I hope you two continue to enjoy this connection for a long time to come.
I can understand that going into this situation you may naturally see ways that things could be improved. The thing is, he has been dealing with this and managing his relationships with his ex’s for many, many years. I think it would mean a lot to him if you can respect the way he is doing things and trust that this is the best option at this point. I know it can be frustrating but by choosing to respond to questionable texts in a light hearted manner may actually create less drama then going head to head with her. Remember, he has been dealing with her for years and has probably tried a lot of different ways to approach the situation. Maybe this really is the best way to handle her. Hs connection to you is clear and neither of you need her say so, agreement, of blessing. In fact, one of the reasons she might be reminiscing is because se actually realizes that his feelings for you are real and strong. This might be her way of pushing back. The important thing to remember is that it is not affecting him in any way. You are still his girl and it doesn’t matter if she acknowledges that or not.
Given the complexity of her life I agree with how he is dealing with her. As you say, this is new and it is going so well! This might just be one things that you learn to live with. Focus on supporting him and he will love you even more!
Kanya
Hi Tiffany, I think if is fine to interact with him but I would make sure your boundaries are clear. If you are just friends, then make sure you are friends with him, not his fall back girl. Actually, I would recommend you read the report “What to do it he Treats you Like His Back up Girl” under the irresistible Insights link on this site. I think it will give you a lot of great insight about how to proceed.
At this point, don’t be too eager to respond to his messages. Try to be the one that ends the conversation. Make sure you have plenty to do in live so that you aren’t as available to him. He really needs to work at this before you let him back in. The emotional connection needs to be really strong and solid over a period of time before you get physical. If you move too quickly, he will most likely get spooked and then distance again. Go slowly and build something real over time. It will take some patience but will be so worth it!
Kanya
Hi De B, I can understand why this is still difficult at times. The reality is it hasn’t been very long since the two of you split. AS your therapist has said, you will feel a lot of emotions related to loss. That is normal when a relationship ends. Rather than trying to push them away, be comforting to the parts inside that are hurting. Nurture yourself and care for yourself as well as possible right now. You need that and so deserve it!
Given the type of man he is it makes sense that he would write of his ex’s as crazy. This invalidates anything they might say to you about his behavior. Any stories they share will be written off with a “She’s crazy” an you would naturally belief the guy you are in love with over a crazy woman. Here is the thing, any guy who has a number of crazy ex’s has some role in their craziness! You’ve been three yourself, when you stand up to him or even reflect reality back to him he tells you you are crazy. So, to him crazy means anyone who doesn’t put up with his dysfunctional behavior.
I’m not sure if it would be helpful to talk to them but if you feel that need perhaps you can reach out to one and see if she has a similar experience of him. If she is willing to talk you may be surprised to hear a lot of things that related to how he treated her in ways that reflect how he treated you.
One thing that I would recommend is that you read the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. I think it will give you a lot of insight into why you are feeling this way and why you still feel attached to him emotionally. Remember, this is going to be a process of letting go and healing on a very deep level. It is going to take time. I would not rush it as you want to heal all of this so that your next relationship is very different! You want to be ready for a loving, consistent, and evolved man. You deserve to be loving and supportive of yourself in this process! You are doing such an amazing job. I think you might be further along in this than you realize!
Kanya
I’m so glad you responded to Heidi’s message. It is good to hear how you are doing.I so acknowledge you for the way you are moving through a very difficult situation! While none of this is easy, you are doing it with such strength and courage!
I can imagine how hurtful his words were. It sounds like he has given you so many mixed messages since this began. I imagine you feel like life is a roller coaster if emotions right now. I am so sad to hear that he continues to handle things in this way, though I am not surprised. This seems to be the way he dealt with life and that has create so much chaos for you.
Given what he shared and his past behavior, I have a difficult time imagining there would be a positive outcome from talking to him at this point. My sense is he would not be able to be kind of empathetic towards you which would increase the level of pain you are feeling. Instead, I suggest you writing him a letter saying all the the things you would say to him about this situation. Really let yourself be free in what you share and express the different emotions that are present for you. When you feel complete, take the letter and rip it into small pieces. Then, throw it away. Imagine that as you throw it away you are letting go of the emotions that you expressed on the paper.
I love that you are learning how to deal with the loss of someone like your husband. I imagine that a lot of what you read sounds familiar to what he was like. As difficult and as painful as this is I am glad that you now have a chance to be with someone who is stable, loving, and consistent. That is so what you deserve!
I think it is great that you are planning on going to an AA meeting in the near future. I would also suggest that you stop drinking for a month or two so that you can really clear your hear and learn to manage your feelings in a new way. That is key for you, for anyone as a matter of fact. Learning to manage our emotions is key to living a healthy, connected life.
Kanya
Hi Tien, First, I want to acknowledge for your being so open to learning and growing. That is amazing and such an important life skill!
That being said, you are focusing a lot of energy on meeting this person. Yes, there are things you can do to feel more comfortable in that situation I would encourage you to not put all of your eggs into one basket. This is just one guy. Let yourself utilize all you are learning to meet and connect with other guys as well. That way you won’t feel pressure for things to go a certain way.
There are a few reports that I would highly recommend;
1. The Art of Flirting
2. Developing Alluring Confidence with Men
3. The Secret to 1st Date ChemistryYou can find these, and more, on the ‘Irresistible Insights’ section of this site. Read through them and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Ingrid, I’m so glad that you checked in and gave us an update! it sounds like you are doing so well. I really acknowledge you for that as I know it is not easy in this difficult situation. Your response tells me you have a secure attachment style which is so vital to weather the ups and downs of life and relationships. You really are an inspiration!
I love that you have a friend who is your soul food! Everyone needs a friend like that! I hope that he can shed some light on things for you and that it helps you to continue to heal from all of this.
Please keep up the amazing work you are doing. We’re here if you need any support or insight!
Kanya
Hi Tiffany, I’m sorry that things aren’t working out at this point. However, I do acknowledge you for how you dealt with this situation. You really are conscious and clearly committed to creating a great relationship.
For now I would suggest you focus on your path, your career. Do the things in life that make you come alive. Continue to communicate with him and build a solid friendship. Over time it may turn into more which would be great. But for ow, focus on you. Be open to meeting other men, and enjoy all the attention an amazing woman lie you gets and enjoys!
Kanya
Hi Jovana, I think calling can be just effective. Make sure you know what the goal of the conversation is so that you can stay on track. One thing that I would suggest is you practice what you want to say so that in the moment, if things get off track or heated, you are able to stay in balance. These are not easy conversations to have but I acknowledge you for wanting to have it. At the same time, I would be doing your best to meet some guys who are local and ready to connect with an amazing woman like you!
The challenge with trying to have a relationship with someone you don’t see and spent time with, is you really fall in love with the ideal image of a person versus a real person. You fall i love with the ideal image of a relationship versus a real relationship. I totally get that having a real relationship can be difficult, scary, and overwhelming at times but my sense is you are ready for more!
I acknowledge how clear you are sounding and I am so excited for you. I have a feeling an amazing relationship is right around the corner!
Kanya
