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Hi Houda, Wow, I am so sorry that your husband is handling things in this way. I can’t imagine how confused and upset you must be. To make matters worse he is not letting you get near him, talk to him, influence him in any way. That must make the pain and frustration even bigger, the heartbeat even more severe.
Given that he hasn’t worked steadily in a long time I am imagining that he is feeling really bad about himself. Often times this can result in some symptoms of depression for men, the biggest symptom being disconnecting from those they are closest to. I suggest you read the book “I don’t want to talk about it” to learn more about the symptoms along with ways to help.
Has he said when he plans on coming back? My guess is it is open ended at this point. I think you need to let him know that you are a family and you want to be a family together but ultimately he needs to choose to be part of that family. The first few years of marriage are the most difficult and the most stressful. Add a new baby to those first few years and the stress triples. How have the 2 of you dealt with this stress in the past few years? DO you feel you have a good platform to work through the difficulties while still feeling good about each other, still feeling connected? I get the sense that you both could benefit form some help from a counselor or therapist to help you figure out some basics. I get that this is not likely at this time given he is so far away but it is certainly something to consider in the future.
What has your husband complained about over the past few years? Did he feel like you didn’t give him enough tie or energy? Does he believe that the relationship changed too much and he misses the connection you used to have. Think back on what he has shared over the past few years and then I can help you craft some communication to him that will address these concerns.
I also recommend you read “the Relationship Rewrite” to get some ideas about how to reengage with him. For not just read through it and send me some more info so I can help you personalize the steps outlines in the report. Hang in there, there is more that you can do if you are willing to be patient and move slowly!
Kanya
Hi Ya C, I really acknowledge you for your willing ness to learn and grow in all of this. It is amazing! In your reading did you notice that people who are avoidant are very intriguing to people who have some tendencies towards anxious attached? Avoidance can even trigger a person with a secure attachment style to become more anxious. I believe this is what is happening to you. The good news is, you can work with that and help yourself let go of this person. WE really only have control over ourselves so to spend this much time wondering about Mike and imagining ways that he could change some say is a fruitless exercise.
I get that he is the first person since your husband died that sparked an interest in you and that is a very good thing. Just don’t mistake him as the only way you will ever feel that again. My sense is that even before you met Mike you were starting to feel ready to open your heart again. You did that with Mike and you can do that with someone else. I guess what I am saying is that Mike is not the catalyst for love, you are! Rather than spending time trying to figure out how to help Mike, give yourself credit for opening up and feeling love again. That is a wonderful gift that you have given yourself. Give yourself the opportunity for more by dating men who are ready and available.
I know it must feel very scary to put yourself out there again. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you when your husband died but I am so proud of you for opening your heart again. I urge you to not stop here. AS an avoidant Mike will not ever let you in fully, will not ever be there for you in the way you deserve. I recommend you do all you can to take a interrupt the cycle of thinking about him and wondering about him. This curiosity that he has triggered is dangerous. It can keep you in an imaginary relationship for years, hoping, creating new scenarios in your head, etc. Cut and run NOW. The two of you dated for 3 weeks, it’s time to put it to rest and move on. You may never have a full understanding of what happened but that is okay. It seems like you have all the information you need to know that this is not going to work out.
I suggest you read the book “Attached; The Science of Adult Attachment” to understand your attachment style and take steps to move away from anyone who makes you feel like this inside. You can do it!!!
Kanya
Hi Ya C, It sound like you are going to give this some space then reach out to him. I think that is a good idea. At that time you can assess if it makes sense for the 2 of you to be friends. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. By then you will have made more connections so my sense is his friendship will not mean as much to you and it will be easier to walk away of a friendship between the two of you is not viable. Good luck and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Firoza, I’m sorry this is so challenging. Please don’t take it personally. It sounds as though he has a lot going on right now and he may not feel like he can be anyone’s hero. He may need to get his life in order, get financially secure, before he is ready to be in a relationship. He is also turning 50 next week which is a really BIG deal. A lot of people disengage at the time of a big birthday because they have a lot of emotions coming up. For now I would take a step back, give him some space. During this time focus on you, you life, your friends and family. The state of this relationship is making you doubt yourself and how amazing you are. You need time to rebalance and learn to feel good again no matter what he is doing!
I would decide on a period of time where you just focus on you. Don’t reach out to him, don’t communicate with him. While it will be difficult at first after a few days or weeks you will notice that you are wondering about him less and feeling better about yourself! It is vital that you get back to this place before you speak with him again. Right now you are dependent on him to feel good about yourself-this is never a good thing. Break ties and get back to feeling good about you! You deserve to see that you are an awesome woman with so much to offer!
Kanya
Hi Minh, You get to decide what you do but I would encourage you to take responsibility for your choices rather than feeling as if you have no say in all of this. That is a very disempowering place to be and I encourage everyone to come from a place of empowerment. If you want to proceed, own it and proceed, if you want to stop you can stop this.
Be conscious and really step in to owning your actions. That is going to be important in this, and any relationship you choose to have! I’m not going to comment on the relationship because I don’t see a question about that. If you van a question, please let me know as I am happy to answer it and support you!
Kanya
Hi Ya C, I think that the 2 of you were dating for such a short time that there wasn’t time to deepen the connection. His seeing ‘shallow’ texts may be a sign that he is shallow or it may be a sign that things were still at the beginning. The two of you participated in a conversation via text that should have been had in person. He need to pack but wanted to see you if you could make it to his place. You pushed for time at the reservoir which wasn’t going to work for him. That didn’t mean that he didn’t care for you, just that he was strapped for time. Rather than going down the path of talking about the relationship what if you had done one of two things:
1. said yes to going to his place
2. Said that you appreciated his trying but that you couldn’t do it that night and that you looked forward to seeing him when he got back.Instead, it turned into something that was bigger than perhaps it needed to be. you were free to go see him and not hook up if you didn’t want that but my sense is he was confused about all the info coming back his way. In support of your own growth and learning, can you go back and look at the text thread and see how maybe this became bigger than it needed to? I think it might be helpful for you in a way that changes your perspective in the future! Take a look and let me know what you think.
Kanya
Hi Alison, This is a complicated situation to say the least. He is doing things and keeping them from you. You are aware of that and are keeping it from him. That must be so hard for you to know this and not talk about it. Have you considered initiating a conversation about where the 2 of you are at currently int he relationship? Maybe saying by saying something as simple as “We haven’t talked about it in awhile and I just want to make sure we are on the same page. Are you still interested in talking to other woman?” See if he is open with you about what he is doing. Whether he is truthful or not will tell you a lot about what type of man he is and how much you could trust him. The fact that he cheated 3x on his ex is a huge red flag for me because in my experience anyone who has cheated in the past find a way to rationalize cheating in the future.
If you bring it up in the way I described he shouldn’t get upset because you are’t accusing him of anything. It seems like an important conversation to have. I’m sorry you are having to face this and I can imagine that it is really stressful and upsetting. Take this step and see if you can gather some additional information. Keep us informed as we are here to help and support you!!!
Kanya
Hi Veerle, Thanks for sharing more information about this. It certainly is helpful.I noticed that you often refer to the marriage in a way that doesn’t seem to acknowledge the difficulties the two of you had. Those were real and it doesn’t seem like they were addressed. His tendency to do what he wanted regardless of how it affected you caused a lot of stress over the years. When you were going through menopause it seemed like you felt it was okay to yell even though he kept asking you not to. This caused a lot of stress as well. Like all couples, I’m sure you dealt with additional disagreements and stress that affected both of you.
In my experience, couples who acknowledge what isn’t working and make changes throughout the course of the relationship grow closer. Couples who ignore or minimize what isn’t working grow apart from each other. Even though it will be difficult, I encourage you to acknowledge the ways in which the two of you struggles, the ways in which this relationship was not always perfect. Otherwise you are dealing with the fantasy relationship. It is really difficult to transfer or let go of the fantasy relationship. Instead, get real and talk to your husband about those difficulties that you faced. All couples face difficulties. The couples that drive are able to face these difficulties in a respectful way.
Did you read “The Relationship Rewrite” as I suggested? I’m serous about what you thoughts and how you have started to incorporate the suggestions.
Kanya
Hi Minh, As difficult as letting him go is, I am glad it is happening now rather than some point in the future. Your feelings for him will only deepen and letting go of him will get more and more difficult. I’m not sure that you can do this with minimal heartache. You love this person yet it doesn’t work for the two of you to have a relationship. My sense is, the reason you have been willing to stay so connected is because you wanted to lessen the pain. However, in the long run you are actually extending the pain. It’s like ripping off a band-aid. If you do it quickly it is done is 2 seconds but if you take you time it will take a long time so you will feel more low level pain for a longer period of time. I think this is what you are trying to do.
Instead, I recommend you rip the band aid off. Have a 30 day period of no communication. during that time do all you can to change your feelings for him. It may be helpful for you to speak with a counselor or therapist who can help you move on. It may not be a reasonable expectation for the 2 of you to be best friends right now. Imagine being his best friend as he starts a new relationship. That would be so difficult. Plus, if he is your best friend you won’t be motivated to get out there and meet more eligible men who are ready to be in a relationship with a woman like you.
I know it is hard but you can do this. You deserve to be with someone who wants you just as you are! TO start, accept that you are dealing with a broken heart and that is painful. You will need time and space to heal. I believe that will be easier if you distance for a period of time. Let yourself feel the natural loss and fill in that space with the love and support of family and friends. When you reconnect, I would not try to be ‘best’ friends. You were right in telling him to not text as much, to take a break. I think your guy knows what you need to do to move on. Listen and trust your gut. It can really help you in this process!
Kanya
Hi Ya C, I can understand why this is confusing. The thing you need to understand is that when people have the pattern of shutting down or putting walls up it really doesn’t matter how much they like or care for someone. Their walls are going to come up when things are difficult in any way. For some people difficult is any kind of disagreement. For others it could be getting too close to someone that feels difficult.
Oe thing I will say, in the future do not have conversations about the relationship via text. It is too easy to misunderstand people and things can get heated quickly. If you are texting with someone and things start to get heavy, tell them you are having an in person conversation so you want to wait until you see each other to continue. Text messages are better when they can be light and fun. Anything more should happen on the phone or in person.
I’d also heed Heidi’s advice and allow the relationship to unfold more slowly. Sometimes the intensity of a quick moving relationship will cause one or both people to spin out of control due to the level of intensity. This is why it is better to get to know each other slowly. When you move slowly, you will feel the intensity but you will have time to process it and get used to it.
Kanya
Hi Duygu, Good to hear from you again. The fact that the 2 of you continue to communicate is a very good sign! In terms of your next step, I’m wondering if you were ever able to spend some time thinking about and answering James’ questions above?
1. What would it look like if this relationship unfolded perfectly during the next six months? In
other words, if everything went right, what would that look like (given the distance between you
and the time the two of you have to pursue this new relationship)? Starting with a vision of what
you really want may help you to decide what to do next?2. Do you think he has the same vision as you? It takes two people to make a long distance
relationship work. So it’s important to move toward a common vision for each step of your new
relationship.I think that it is important to ask yourself these questions so that you get even greater clarity on your vision. I would start with igniting his hero instinct. Think of something that he could help you with then send him the “I need your help” text. I suggest you ask for help that would require him to see you in person. Maybe you need some help moving something at your home or want to go to a restaurant, concert, or museum and want some company. It sounds like he might need a little encouragement to spend some time together again. When you do hang out, don’t mention anything about dating or the relationship. Just let him know that you are having fun, like who you are when you ar with him. Show him your playful fun side and he will naturally want to spend more time with you.
It will be important to focus on the present; not the past or the future. I have a sense that after getting some positive connection time together things will begin to evolve in a natural way. Give it a try and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Daysi, I really acknowledge you for the level of consciousness that you are bringing to this situation. It’s never easy to work through the complexity of a divorce. Many people just jump into another relationship which is not the best way to handle things. So glad that you are taking the time you need to process the divorce and make room for a new relationship.
I love what Heidi shared about how to talk to your friend. Over the course of your conversation you will be able to ascertain his reactions since you will be face to face with him. I am confident that the two of you can come to a compromise. While it is not always easy, one way to look at this is to realize that the two of you are learning to negotiate which is an important relationship skill!
Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi SB, I was thinking about you earlier today and thought I would reach out. How are you doing?
Kanya
Hi Verrle, I’m so sorry no one responded to your question earlier-I think it was an oversight-but I’m sorry you have to wait.
Clearly there was more at work than just a minor communication problem. I suggest you talk to a therapist to get more clarity on this. Things were not working for him and will need to you acknowledge and understand that before he is willing to consider anything more than a friendship.
Also, the row on Valentine’s Day seems to be the straw that broke the camels back for him. What dod you say or do that really upset him? That is the things that is in the way for him and will need to be addressed. It is important for you to acknowledge, understand, and apologize for what was said or done. Otherwise, his hurt will continue to be in the way for him.
He also referred to you being ‘needy’ at times. My sense is he may have felt this at times even if he was not talking about it. I would think about what he has shared about this and again, work with a therapist to understand what was going on for you so that you can talk to him about it. If you can take responsibility for the ways in which you contributed to the difficulties in the relationship I think he will be more open to considering a future.
You had another question about how to stop him from using you for his comfort. I will tell you how to prevent him from using you for his comfort-do not allow it. DO NOT sleep with him if you aren’t in the relationship you want, need, and deserve. Close that door until things are very different. You have the right to do that and I think doing so will make you feel more empowered and strong. Right now everything is in reaction to him and that just isn’t working. I would not communicate with him until you get some things straight for yourself. Yu don’t have to sign any divorce papers or more forward, just take a communication break. Certainly don’t express anymore upset emotions towards him as that will push him further away.
Next, I wages you read “The Relationship Rewrite’ and begin to implement the strategy step by step. I would wait for 2-3 weeks before starting to give him and you some space. Overall you need to get a different perspective and to feel strong again so that you aren’t dependent on him or the relationship for your happiness.
I’ve given you a few ideas about where to start. Take some of these steps and keep checking back in as we are happy to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Joy, As Heidi shared, he will need to give something else up in order to see you. The things that he is focusing on right now are very all encompassing and I don’t think any of this is personal-just the reality of his life.
One way to ignite his hero instinct is to ask him to do something outside of work. Send him a text that says “I need your help” when he asks about what text “I really want to… (list something you really want to do like see a movie, go to dinner at a specific restaurant, etc) it will be difficult for him to say no to you and may be the things that pushes him to take a bigger step. If anything will work, it will be igniting his hero instinct. If this tactic does not work then I think you have your answer. At this point he literally doesn’t have the time he needs to start, build, and maintain a relationship. Give it a try and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
