Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Karisa, I think for now you keep things light. When he reaches out to you, don’t answer the phone or respond tot he text quickly. Basically, don’t be as available to him. There are 2 reasons I am suggesting this. First, men always find it more interesting when they need to give chase to a women. The second reason is because the two of you didn’t have the chance to build the sexual tension and emotional connection at the beginning of the relationship. Emotional connection is vital for a man to be able to let someone in on a deep level. Building that now will require patience and strategy. YEs, part of it is building the sexual tension but the bigger picture is building the emotional connection.
I would suggest you spend time together doing things and getting to know each other. In the natural course of getting to know each other I think opening up to him about your parents and how that has affecting you would be good for both of you. You don’t need to rush it but just take it slowly and be yourself. You two have only been dating for a few months and it usually takes men longer to be ready to commit.
I was considering that you haven’t seen his homes. Have his friends seen either of his homes? I’m just wondering if he is private about the homes in general or just with you. Perhaps you could ignite his hero instinct in a way that encourages him to let you in-literally. Perhaps you can talk about a potential remodel in your home and ask him if you can see his homes for some ideas. If he isn’t ready than perhaps you put it on the back burner for now. You could even let him know that you are happy to wait until he is ready and the you trust that he will know the right time. It may seem hunter intuitive but in the long run it will mean a lot to him that you trusted him and gave him the freedom to make the decision.
Kanya
I do think he cares for you and I do think he will continue to do the things he has been doing which are painful to yo. If you want to keep seeing him I only suggest you be realistic about what that would cost you and what you are willing to accept. Often, in these situations, we start off accepting one set of rules and wake up years later with a life that is very different than we agreed to. Little by little we give up pieces of ourselves to make a relationship work but eventually we realize we somehow got lost along the way. Just know and trust your boundaries.
Kanya
I do think he cares for you and I do think he will continue to do the things he has been doing which are painful to yo. If you want to keep seeing him I only suggest you be realistic about what that would cost you and what you are willing to accept. Often, in these situations, we start off accepting one set of rules and wake up years later with a life that is very different than we agreed to. Little by little we give up pieces of ourselves to make a relationship work but eventually we realize we somehow got lost along the way. Just know and trust your boundaries.
Kanya
Hi Beverly, first I would like to address you questions about the man in the store that you have feelings for. I would see if you can be more direct with him and look for openings to suggest the two of you meet outside of the store environment-lek when he went shopping for you. Maybe if you spend more time developing a closeness outside of work things will naturally evolve.
In terms of your friends questions, When a gut has his arms folded he could be any one of the things you mentioned; nervous, mad, uncomfortable. To figure out which one I would pay attention to his facial expressions and the degree to which his body seems at ease versus tense. Is he making eye contact? Is he facing your direction? Does he seem distracted. Tuning in to the whole person is most helpful in figuring these things out!
Dilated pupils may be a sign of attraction and they may be related to other things like the degree of light in the room, additional stimulus, etc. Again, I would tune into the whole person to get a sense of what they are thinking and feeling. Tell your friend she can also being to be flirtatious in those situations and see if the man responds in kind. Making eye contact, laughing, a light touch on his arm are all beginning flirtation moves.
I hope this helps! Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Maja, I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling good again! You so deserve to focus on you.
In terms of utilizing the Hero Instinct I would personalize the question depending on the person you are utilizing it with. Let’s say he is a wine expect, I would ask him a wine related question. If he is a financial wizard, ask him a financial question. If he is a foodie, ask about a good restaurant to check out. If he is into sports, ask a sport question. If he is handy around the house ask about a house repair question.
You will be feeding his ego which is part of why the Hero Instinct works. We all need to feel good bout ourselves and men love to feel as though they can be the hero for women. You can even try this out of men who are friends to see how well they respond. It will also give you some good practice for when you are ready to do it with a man you are interested in romantically. Please try and let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, I’m so sorry. I can totally understand how sad and difficult this is. Break ups are the worst!
I agree with what you just shared; why did he move forward and try to start a relationship if he felt the two of you were not the other’s types? I wonder if maybe he didn’t realize this or didn’t think it mattered at the time. It must be really confusing given that the two of you are best friends and seem to have such a good time when you are together.
I wonder if the two of you are looking for something different in a long term relationship. He talked about the passion being gone. Perhaps he needs a different level of physical affection than you do. Maybe he bases the quality of a relationship on the quality of sex. Many people do this because sex is so important to them. Either way, it will take you a little bit of time to feel whole again.
I suggest you take some time to do some journaling about what you are looking for. Sit quietly, maybe make a cup of tea, and take out a journal and your favorite pen. Then write down a list of 10-12 qualities you are looking for in a partner and in a relationship. Then, sit back and consider what you wrote and what is important. Then, decide which 5 are most important. Imagine what it would be like to have the experience of being in that relationship. Then, of those top 5, pick the top 3. Circle them, highlight then, keep them close at hand. These qualities are non-negotiable and must be present with anyone whom you are considering having a long term relationship.
Knowing these qualities will help you pick potential guys in the future. If you are ready for a serious relationship then pick guys who are ready as well. Be sure to take care of yourself and focus on where you area heading versus where you have been. It will take some time but you will do this!
Kanya
Hi Maja, I am so sorry that this is happening. It must be so frustrating on so many levels! The good news is, it sounds like he does want things to work he just isn’t sure how. for now, I would refrain from smashing him too much. But, when you do be respectful and even playful with him. Help him remember what a fun woman you can be.
You can let him know that you are looking forward to his return. You could also think of something that he said bothered him over the years and address that in a text while showing regret. Something like, “I realize now I was tired and overwhelmed a lot in the past few years and I didn’t put as much effort into our relationship as I should have. I’m sorry and I look forward to doing things differently in the future.” Give him time to think about what you shared and wait for him to respond.
When he is back in your country, ask him what would help him feel more confident about reconciling. Agree with him and try to think of ways for him to have more of what he needs. He will feel very heard and very respected if you can do that! It may take some time but little by little the two of you can build a newer, stronger relationship!
Please give these things a try and let me know how it goes!
All the best,
KanyaHi Firoza, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Please share an update if you’d like!
Kanya
That is great, Daniela! I’m sure he’ll be happy to see that you really thought about him both for his birthday and for his busy schedule. As he is finishing a project today maybe let him know you’d like to take him out for a birthday drink when he has some time. Then wait for him to say when! You’re doing great. I encourage you to hang in there!!!
Kanya
Hi Yasong, seems like you are doing a great job letting go. OF course there will be days when that is easier and day when that is difficult. On the difficult days it is really important that you strengthen your attachment to yourself. While this is important for everyone, it is especially important for someone who has an anxious attachment style. ON those days you feel like you will die if he doesn’t come back. In reality, what you need is to get that love, support, and acceptance from you. Ramp up your self care. Reassure yourself that you are doing a great job and that you will get over this person. Force yourself to think of what you didn’t like about it rather than what you did like. Imagine what you want him to say to you then say that to yourself.
The reason he can move on so quickly is that he wasn’t really attached to you. The reason it is difficult for you is that you did attach but the problem is you didn’t know him long enough to know if he was the right person to attach to. That isn’t a good combination.
Most of us learn to get love, support, and validation from others but if we depend on others for that too much we tend to fall apart or feel lost when that person leaves or is unavailable. So, when you can really attach to yourself you will be able to reassure yourself, comfort yourself, and most importantly trust yourself. Right now you are spending a lot of time trying to figure him out but you would feel much better if you feel that time figuring yourself out. Now might be a good time to meet with a therapist for a few sessions to understand how to better connect with yourself. I think I may have recommended it before but I really suggest you read the book “Attached, The Science of Adult Attachment” to learn more about YOUR attachment style and how to become more secure inside of yourself!
Maybe you can make an agreement to only focus on understanding you for the next week and see what the result is. My guess is you will feel a lot better, calmer, more clear, than you do right now. I realize it isn’t easy but it is so important!!!
Kanya
Hi Jovana, I am so happy for you both! I really acknowledge how the two of you are choosing to create a foundation in such a conscious manner!This will really pay off in the long run. Enjoy what you are doing and really take the time to see each other realistically in what ever way you can. DO you want similar things, have similar values? What upsets each of you and how do you express uncomfortable feelings. This and more is important to figure out during this time.
Again, I really acknowledge you and look forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Lily, I think that you need to decide what you want before you will know what to do. AS Heidi shared, you are attaching to him at a level that is deeper than he is attaching to you. Given that, do you want to stay in an open relationship? DO you want more than that? Either answer is fine as long as it is an authentic answer reflecting what you truly want. Intimacy is scary business and it is normal to fear getting hurt but it is important to understand that getting hurt comes with getting close to someone. Everyone is human and will make normal mistakes at times that may be hurtful. Even if you were serious with each other it would be impossible at this point to know where things would end up.
You’ve only been dating for 2 months and many people would have a difficult time committing at this point. As him if he sees a more committed relationship tis you in the future. Is that something he is open to creating one day? This is important as you need to get a better idea of how he views relationships. Have the conversation and just gather information. Then, take some time to think about what he said and see if it fits for you. You can always write back after you talk to him and ask for more guidance! TO start I think you need more information from him and then I think you need to be honest with yourself and consider if this relationship is giving you enough of what you need. No need for a big to do or break up. Just a simple conversation will do! Let us know how it goes.
Kanya
Hi Ureitha, It sounds like the two of you have such a strong connection. I can understand why you would want to share the physical connection as well. I agree with what Heidi shared. Talk to him about why God is getting in the way. Does he believe the two of you should be married first, has he decided that a chaste life is what he wants?
Have a conversation with him and share how difficult it is for you not to express your love for him in that way. Feel free to write back after you have the conversation as we are here to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Jovana, I echo Heidi’s sentiments-I’m so glad to hear that you have met a great man whom you feel such a connection with. I really acknowledge the two of you for being willing to take things slowly so that you can build a strong foundation! The thing about this is you and he get to determine what is acceptable closeness an caressing. Over time you will both know what works and what does’t, what is too much and what feels right. If you keep spending time out doing things, or in the company of your daughter you have built in boundaries. Until you are clear it is okay to limit the amount of time you spend one on one. You may need to be sure of your boundaries before attempting to navigate new territory.
Take your time and keep talking with each other about what is working and what is not working. If you try something and realize you aren’t ready, it is perfectly acceptable to change your mind. You will both change your mind at times and that makes sense. The reality is you are learning how to do something really different and it will take time to figure it out. If you are both willing to be flexible and honest you will strengthen your bond in all of this! Please keep us posted on things as we are here to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Daysi, This is a frustrating situation. I can understand why you would want more and might feel as if a friends with benefits scenario might be a step in that direction. However, I would caution you against that. In my experience it is not something that works very well. AS you’ve already experienced after just one night, things can get really complicated. The fact that you work together complicates things even more.
Since he is not ready to be in a relationship why not spend some time with the other men who are showing interest in you? Maybe it is time to take advantage of other opportunities. I really understand that you care for this person but if he isn’t ready you don’t have to sit back and wait. It has been a long time and I would imagine that you are ready for more. A friends with benefits situation isn’t really more. It is a frustrating and difficult situation that could ultimately end your friendship with this person. Since you do care for each other maybe try a different path for the next 6 months or so and see where that leads you. Think about it and feel free to write back with thoughts/questions as we are here to support you!
Kanya
