[Kanya D]

Hi Ali, I can hear how frustrating this is for you. It sounds like in many ways your boyfriend is a good match for you and does give you most of what you need. I seems like he just isn’t a communicator and hasn’t been willing to develop that skill even though it is important to you.

Here is the first thing I would like you to do. Take some quiet time for yourself. Maybe make a cup of tea and let yourself consider what is really important to you in terms of a romantic relationship. Clearly communication is on there. Perhaps you’ll add quality time, someone who nurtures me, etc. Let yourself write down the 10 most important qualities. Then, review that list and cut it down to the 5 most important qualities.

Then, imagine a relationship without each other those qualities. What would feel like the biggest loss? From there, cross 2 more qualities off so that you have the top 3 qualities that you need in a relationship. I say need because these 3 are the most important and are non-negotiable. Do you and your boyfriend have these qualities in your relationship. If you do then you are ahead of the game. You can find friends, male and female, to help you fill in the gaps. That is what we all do. If, however, you don’t have those 3 qualities then my guess is you will never be fully satisfied in your current relationship.

Talk to your boyfriend, let him know what is most important to you and communicate what you need. If he is unable to give you what you need then it sounds like it is time to take a break. You may want to have some time on your own to actually explore life as a single person. Doing so will help you really get to know yourself and will help you clarify even further what is important to you. Then, when you are ready and are feeling whole inside yourself you could explore a new relationship with someone who will effortlessly give you those top 3 qualities soon your list!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Katherine, I’m so glad that the two of you have reconnected. It seems like something that is bringing you a lot of joy right now. I know that you want to run away with this train but I think I agree with what your friend is saying. I think you need to slow down, date other people, and not put all your stock in one person. There are several reasons I suggest this.

First, you’ve only been widowed for 10 months. There will be more emotional ups and downs as you continue to process your grieve. Getting involved too quickly could cause some additional problems. You could use the relationship-the high of feeling so good again-to short change your grieving. While that might feel good in the moment, in the long run it could cause more emotional downs if you don’t let yourself feel this grief fully. Plus, if you fall for this man and he ends to relationship, I don’t believe you will be able to deal with another loss just yet. Losing him could feel catastrophic because you still have this other pain that has gone into hiding. I would not want that for you.

Second, while all of this feels good you aren’t healed yet and who you pick today may be very different from who you pick in 1 year or several years. You need to give yourself time for yourself and to figure out who you are without your husband. This will naturally take some time so no need to rush into something prematurely.

Finally, I am concerned because he is saying that this is too intense for him. As Maya Angelou said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” He is showing you that he doesn’t want anything intense, that he can’t really manage that. Believe him. I hear that you have these intense feelings and that is great but it is important to slow down, let yourself focus on other things, and see how this unfolds in a more organic way. You have these wonderful memories of him but you can’t really know who he is until you spend time getting to know him again. Former loves from the past can be difficult in that we all have a strong fantasy about that person that may not be a reflection of who they are now. You can’t yet know what he wants long term or what he could handle. He’s never been married and he may not do well in a long term relationship that will require compromise and some degree of selflessness.

Enjoy your time together but know that this is one of many options to consider when you are ready. Being ready has many levels and I get the sense that you are still working through some things. Take good care of yourself in all of this and continue to build a life for yourself. It is important for that foundation to be in place before you attempt to build anything with anyone else.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Debi, I’m glad to hear that you have talked to him and incorporated some of Heidi’s good advice! I guess my first question is how did he respond when you talked about not being able to spend money on vacations etc? Was he understanding of the pressure this has out on you? Did he understand the need for this change and did he talk more about what he is able to contribute financially to the situation? His reaction to this could give you some more clues.
Also, as he seems to be working more has he made any move to pay you back some one the money that he owes you?

In terms of understanding his movements better, see if he would be willing to be on an APP like ‘Find my Friends” this would allow the two of you to see where the other person is. I would frame it as something fun that one of your friends is doing and you wanted to do it as well. If he is willing to do so and you can see where he is then he may not be hiding anything in terms of his location. Another question I have is have you met his friends, mom, former business partner? AS he taken the steps to let you and the other people in his life connect and form a relationship? This is important because it would be harder for him to live a double life if everyone knows one and other. I’m wondering how your current relationship is set up. Does it support this or not?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nikita, I think you should continue to play it cool. If he asks how you are, I would paint a picture of you being happy and busy. Something like, “Great, work is crazy right now but all is good” is an example of what I would write. You don’t cut him off, you are friendly and appear to be happy, but you don’t go out of your way to initiate with him or ask him how he is doing. You respond but seem somewhat uninterested to him which will most likely make him want to reach out to you. I know, it’s weird, but this usually works well.

This also buys you some time to see if he is just busy and focusing on his project, if he got a little scared, or if something else is distracting him. He may go back to the flow of past communication given enough time and space. Give it a try and let me know how it goes! You’re doing great.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Angeline, It’s good to hear from you. I’m hoping that you are in a better place and feeling stronger in all of this. My sense is that hearing everything will be painful but will also answer questions and bring clarity to the situation. In the mean time please take good care of yourself and be sure to talk to the family and friends that you trust with this information who can support you!

Please keep reaching out for support as we are here for you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, That is an interesting way of looking at things. I agree that his dishonesty did take away your right to choose that path. I think that happens a lot in relationships-one person ends up leading by deception, the other finds themselves in a situation they never dreamed was possible.

I acknowledge you for realizing that even though this is incredibly, and unfairly, painful you have had the opportunity to truly learn who you are and what you are willing to accept in a relationship. That s a lesson that no one will even be able to take from you and even though it may not feel this now, it is a lesson that will serve you well in the future.

I’m glad to hear that you are taking this one day at a time. Please be kind to yourself along the way as you deserve this and more!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Victoria, I’ve put your other thread here so that we only have one thread that we are working with:

My husband of 43 years asked for an OPEN marriage recently. I couldn’t imagine it, but wanted to do some research on the success of open marriage. So I talked to the only people I know that have done it to ask how it all worked out. Here are the results:
Both couples have split up. One is married and happy to be monogamous the other is still on a separation, waiting to know if they can carry on..
Another couple switched partners and two of them ended up switching permanently. So the other two people became single. So that was not a happy ending.

My husband asked me for an open marriage because he was already having an affair (sex only he says, no love or bonding) and now wants to find exciting sex with younger women as long as he can. I joined this forum to find a way to bring us back together. Very damaging for sure. So I say, NO, not for me. Not easy and lots of risk. They do have sex clubs, that are clean and stable with married couples that swing together. This might be an option, as no one is falling in or out of love, but just consensual sex with no attachments. This seemed the best option to me, but where I live, there are no clubs. It would taking a huge leap of faith and courage, but I was willing to do this in order to keep my husband happy and at home. But now is not the time for this in our lives.
Best to you,
Victoria

Hi Victoria, I think this is a situation where it is vital that you trust your gut as to what will work for you. You did a little research and the reality it that open relationships are few and far between for a reason. The human brain wants to bond and stay emotionally connected. When other people are brought into the mix it is very difficult to septette out the variety of feelings that will occur. I hear that your husband is wanting an alternative life style but you need to ask yourself if that will honestly work for you. He had an affair, which must have been devastating, and how he is wanting an open relationship. What would have been helpful is if he had talked to you about this before entering into an affair so that the two of you could have made a decision about the marriage together. Unfortunately that did not occur so now you are left to make a decision on your own.

I find myself wondering why you are wanting him back? What specific reason? Do you miss him as he currently is or as he used to be or how you’d like him to be. It is normal to miss someone you love who you have lived with for so long but I encourage you to be realistic at this point with what is is offering you. Don’t expect him to change or imagine how great things could be. You went to counseling for a long time and he never told you honestly what he was thinking and feeling. Remember that as I think that level of deception will continue. Perhaps take some time for yourself to really work though your grief and your fears. When you are in a place of balance you will be better equipped to make a decision. Surround yourself with family and friends who love and support you and remind you of how amazing you are! This is process but you are doing great and you will get through it!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, You mention shared debts that are in your name. I hope that you consulted an attorney prior to the divorce so that you know how to proceed. I would hate for this to continue to affect you financially or otherwise. Will he move into the golden phase with her? For awhile, yes, until she too disappoints him with her human imperfections. The more you can let go of him and distance from him and his new life the better! Make sur you take care of any financial obligation still in your name so that it doesn’t affect your credit etc in the future. Given that you are divorced this should be settled and separated financially. If not, perhaps consult an attorney about how to proceed so that things can be completely separate!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Ki, I applaud you for trusting your gut and not moving into the country house with him and his new GF’s. I think that was the right decision and you really trusted your gut on that! That will be important moving forward as well. I can understand your missing him. The two of you have been together for many years and living without him will take some adjustment.

For now it seems as though you are focusing on getting your life back to a place that makes you happy. I think this is the most important things you can do right now. Only from that place of balance can you know what path is right for you. As you mentioned, a lot has happened in the past 10 years and I would imagine it has affected you as much as it has affected him. Bravo for taking the time you need to take care of yourself. It sounds as though you have been taking care of him for a long time. Now is the time to take care of you. Surround yourself with loving and nurturing people who remind you of how amazing you truly are! It will take some time but by next spring you my guess is you will be feeling replenished and ready to create the next part of your life. You are only 54 years old! you have 20-30 good years ahead of you. I encourage you to make the most of them. Do the things that are important to you. If being in a monogamous, committed relationship is what you want then there are plenty of men out there who are looking for the same thing. Don’t give up on you! Please keep us posted as we are here to support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Victoria, Please see out comments on the other thread you started!

[Kanya D]

Hi Nikita, I totally get that you want to keep the conversation going but I think it would be better if you stopped at this point and gave him the opportunity to miss you then pursue you. December is a long way away. It would be better if he is missing you when December comes that feeling like he is trying to get some space. I would use the next 2 months to really get reentered and happy in your life. Remember how happy you were before him and learn to be happy again without being dependent on his presence to feel that way. Otherwise I think you will find that he responds less and less frequently. At least if you take a step back he may, in time, take a step forward.

If you want to text him prior to his big even then I would encourage you to do so! Just a simple “good luck, you’ve don’t a great job” text would be good. Then, again take a step back. WE really want to turn the tides here and I believe that could take some time. You want to have him wanting you by December and that won’t happen if you keep being available to him. I know it is hard but trust me, it is better for you to step back at this point!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Angeline, I am so sorry to hear all of this. I can understand how shocking all of this much have been for you. I acknowledge you for trusting your gut and confronting him. That certainly took a lot of courage!

Here’s the thing. He got caught having an affair and now he doesn’t want to talk about it and doesn’t want to tell you what happened. That just doesn’t sit well with me. Why does this get to be about him? It seems that he is the one who needs to open up and explain things. You weren’t ready to find out he was having an affair but you didn’t get to say no to that. Why does he get to say no to making things right with you.

All the research shows that after an affair has been discovered the details need to be discussed. You need to understand why he did this and what he plans to do to fix it. Is he still in contact with her? Is he being transparent with his behavior, who he is texting etc? Is this person someone he will run into? Does she work for the same company, etc. I think he doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to deal with the fall out of his actions. That isn’t fair to you. I suggest you and your husband go to counseling so that you can get assistance processing this and moving forward in a strong way!

I do think that you need to confide in a friend that you can talk to about this but I would refrain from telling your children. This is something that should be private from them for the time being as it can gets too confusing if they are involved. think about all of this and feel free to write back for additional support!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nikita, I too am sorry that he is doing this. t must be so confusing. I can understand why you are fearful of loosing the connection but I think it may be time to see that the connection has already been lost. For whatever reason he has decided to step back and is not feeding this the way he used to. That is really painful but important to acknowledge. it is important for you to see what kind of person he is and what kind of communicator he is.

While loosing the connection is painful, you might need to let that happen in oder for him to reach out again. Maybe he is scared of moving forward. Maybe he isn’t sure about what he wants and can’t communicate about it. Maybe he is far better at a long distance relationship than a close one. What ever the case I would ghost him as he has to you. Let him notice that you aren’t texting, aren’t reaching out, aren’t interested in the way you have been. Let him feel that distance for awhile and see if it motivates him to reach out an open up. We know that you continuing to contact him ins’t making him open up so I would encourage you to try something different! Turn the table a bit and see if that results in different behavior on his part. Let us know how that goes as we are here for you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

HI Agnes, thank you for sharing your experience. I am really concerned about this Dahlia. There are a lot of people in the world who do a good job scamming other people. They say and do thing that pull on your heart strings and can create an elaborate story the makes good, honest people feel a lot of empathy. Unfortunately they then take advantage of that person.

Please do not share any personal information about your finances, address, social security number, etc. Ask for more details and see if he is willing to give them. It is unusual for an American to try to find a wife on line with someone they have never met. This is just unusual for out culture and it is a red flag for me. I would be concerned about anyone who wanted to get married without first meeting and getting to know me. There just seems to be a lot of red flags in this.

I agree with Heidi. Trust your instinct and don’t be sett talked into major life decisions by someone you’ve never even met! Please keep us posted!!!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is gifted at making trouble, stirring up emotions, putting people on edge. They can’t tolerate a drama free life so they create drama, then distance at every turn. You asked why he would put you through this much just to turn around and marry someone else. This is common. They destroy everything then want a bright and shiny new relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for them to begin to destroy the new relationship because they can’t tolerate a happy, calm life. I do believe the patterns will start all over again. Many narcissistics have multiple marriages.

I’m sorry to say it but yes,he will pit people against each other. That is part of how he feels superior to others. He is like the puppeteer that pulls the strings and manages everyone. He does this to combat the truth about how he feels about himself. He feels terrible about himself, feels unlovable and alone so over compensates by pushing others away via hurt and criticism. You asked about the best way to combat that. The answer is to stop responding to him. Stop interacting with him. Stop taking his bait when he tried to provocative you. I’m not clear if the two of you have children but if you do I sense they are adults so you are free to block him. If there really isn’t anything for the two of you to manage, no shared or common interests, you can simply stop communicating with him. He will not like this but in truth a narcissistic is never satisfied so you need to become vigilant about taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to create balance and tranquility in your life.

He will try to make you feel selfish for this, he will be critical of you when you refuse to engage but this just means you are doing a good job setting boundaries! The more you can ignore him and get on with your life the better you will feel! Please let us know if you want any support doing that as we are here to help!

Kanya

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