[Kanya D]

Hi Minh, I’m sorry that he ghosted you. I know that can be really frustrating and confusing. I noticed a few things in what you wrote that I want to reflect back to you.

When he came to visit you really weren’t that into him. You maintained good boundaries and communication. You trusted your gut and felt confident. Then, when he pulled away you seemed to become a different person. Once you felt like he may not want you, you suddenly felt like you needed him and wanted him so badly. This is really interesting because you seem to have an emotional response to him that over rides your good sense. Consider why that happened. Once he wasn’t sure you became attached to him and seemed to loos your rationality about the situation. Has this happened to you in the past?

Then, after a few days on him not texting you, you ended it. After just a few days. I just get the sense that once you start to have feelings for someone things move too quickly. You’re either in or your out and just the changes in the course of a day make you feel the relationship has changed status. Does this make sense to you? It feels reminiscent of the type of relationship teenagers have and it must be really exhausting for you to have so many ups and downs.

What if you learned to pace yourself in a relationship. communicate freely but don’t be dependent on that communication to feel good about yourself, to feel confident and calm. Let yourself feel confident in your life and let your communication with a guy be the icing on the cake as it were. All men are going to have ups and downs. All men are going to have days when they can’t get enough of us and days when work, life, sports will take over for a period of time. Unlike women, men are single focused and they have difficulty focusing on relationships when other part of their life are in flux. When this happens we need to learn to wait them out until they can express themselves to us again.

With this guy in particular, he has twice ghosted you. That you should pay attention to. If he reconnects (I believe he will) he will stay connected until something else in life takes over. Then, instead of letting you know he needs some space he will ghost you again. You mentioned that you asked him how he felt about being in a relationship with such an age difference. I think the question is-how do you feel? You mentioned that you are worlds apart. I encourage you to pay attention to that! You have 4 children. Does he want children some day? Does he want to have that life experience? There are many things the two of you would sacrifice to try to make this work. Think about those things, as well as how he deal with stress, before you consider building a relationship with this man.

Please take this time to get strong and confident again. You are the same amazing, beautiful women you were before he came to visit. Don’t let yourself rely on him to feel good about yourself. Take a breath and let go of the attachment so that you can see things clearly again. I know it is difficult but you can do this. I believe you need to be clear before you can see this situation clearly! Please keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Minh, Thank you so much for checking in! I’m glad to hear that you have gotten to such a good place. I’m sure it wasn’t easy and I really acknowledge you for all you did to get here. It’s so beautiful that the two of you are able to continue building such an amazing friendship. I really resonated with what you shared about the importance of boundaries. So many times we ar afraid to set a boundary that we think might chase a guy away. The truth is, we feel more calm and comfortable when the boundaries are clear! Keep up the great work!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Latisha, You are so right-it is he little things that make the most impact! I have a guy friend who once told me “If a women tells me to do something I’ll avoid it but if she asks me nicely, I’ll do anything for her!” I think this applies to men in general because in talking totem respectfully we demonstrate that we respect them. Just like women need to feel adored, men need to feel respected. Many women have learned that they are in charge and then try to manage their guy. In the beginning it works because he really wants her to be happy. Over time, if she is less and less happy, it becomes difficult for a man if he feels a woman is in charge of him. There needs to be a lot of respect and the ability to let the man make decisions for himself and be the king he was meant to be. If a woman encourages a man to be her king, he will care for her like a queen.

Here is a link to a video by Alison Armstrong on The Queen’s Code that I think would be helpful! I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Looking forward to hearing updates!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Latisha! That is so great. Thanks for sharing the effect of that with the other members. Sometimes it is hard to imagine that these techniques work but they really do! What are some of the other techniques that you are planning to put into motion? I suggest you really strategic so that you really optimize your actions for the best and highest outcomes! Think about it and share your plan. You can do it!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Latisha, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I can imagine how difficult that is. I think it is interesting that he is reaching out to you as you are stepping back. I wonder if he is reaching out to you BECAUSE you are taking a step back?

If he reaches out to you it makes sense that you would respond to him. And, if you want to reach out to him every few weeks with a friendly help that would make sense as well. For now I would refrain from reaching out too much or bringing up the relationship when the two of you connect. It seems like he is pursuing you more which is a very positive step in the right direction! When the two of you talk, be yourself and show him how amazing your naturally are. I’d also read His Secret Obsession so that you can learn more ways to become irresistible to him. It’s always nice to be reminded of some new ideas and ways of being.

Again, I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I hope your heart heals soon. Please keep us posted.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Janice, I really acknowledge for for continuing to reach out to your husband. It sounds as though he really felt hurt n all of this and it is understandably taking some time for him to open up again. My sense is that once he knows that you have decided that your son is moving out so that the two of you can have a second chance, he will take your words more seriously.

When you think back on what upset him the most, do you think you have apologized in a way that made him feel like you really got how difficult this way for him? The reason I ask is because sometimes we can apologize but without realizing it can focus more on defending ourselves than taking responsibility. I mention it just so that you can think about it and address it if needed.

I love what Heidi shared and I think there was a lot of good thoughts and suggestions. Please do implement them and let us know how it goes. We are here to support you in this process!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Ma D, As I read your words I am struck by how wise you are. You are in an interesting place. On the one hand you want to work on the relationship and keep him close so that things can grow. On the other you want to respect him and give him the space he needs rather than pushing him away. I’m wondering if one way to compromise is to see each other every other weekend. On the weekends off you are both free to do your own thing. You’ll also have time away from each other which might help you realize you miss each other. On the weekends you are together you could do some of the fun activities you listed above.

While you only lauded to it, I wonder how much working for his family business is making his life feel out of his control. That isn’t a great feeling for a guy. They really need to feel like they are in control of their own loves, their destiny’s. AS he continues to help his family he ay be feeling down and lost. This could be contributing to his wanting space. He actually needs space from his family but is still struggling with how to do that. This is indeed a difficult situation for him. I’m glad that you are supporting him at this time.

I’m wondering how much time the two of you spend talking about the relationship? For now, I would stop talking about it and focus on being a fun, playful girlfriend again. If you are the person he has fun with and can confide in then he will naturally want to spend more time together. When he opens up, really listen deeply without trying to give him the answers. He knows what he needs to do but is having a difficult time doing it.

I know it is really difficult! I acknowledge you for how you are approaching this. I would start to try some things that are different and see if you get some different outcomes. Sometimes that only saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder really is true! Please keep us posted and feel free to check back with more questions as things unfold!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Latisha, Thanks for sharing more information. Things are more complex than I realized. I would take a step back, then reach out maybe once a month with a light and fun text. Nothing about missing him or anything about wanting to get back together. Just fun, playful texts that don’t ask for anything in response. Here are some suggestions;
Just went to (restaurant or something the two of you did together) and thoughts of you. Hope you are well!”
Share something exciting about your life, a new job opportunity, fun vacation, seeing a show, etc. Then say something like, “just wanted to share. Hope life is good!”
Hope your having a nice holiday!
Hope your new year is as amazing as you.

This that are supportive but don’t overtly tell him that you like him, miss him, or want to see him. These are reminds of how awesome you are. Please read “The Relationship Rewrite” and in January send him a text admitting to something that you were disrespectful at times and apologizing. Don’t ask him to give you something in return, just share that information and let him respond in the way works for him.

Let time work for you in that you will move very slowly and give him space to work through some things and see a more respectful side of you in how you are treating him. Some of that is giving him space and not asking for more than he can give you emotionally. I know this is difficult but some time for both of you would be helpful at this time. Let yourself really think through the things that you would do different and how you would do that if you were to have another chance int he future.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Brittany, I’m sorry things have been difficult between the two of you. I think the first thing you need to do is slow down. The two of you have been moving quickly through the different stages of relationships maybe now slow down a bit. Just out of curiosity, how long were you dating before he moved in with you and your kids? I think you need to give yourselves time to work out the challenges you two face. Have you ever considered talking to a therapist or counselor? I think it might be helpful on man levels. Couples often fall into ruts that are difficult to get out of on their own.

I think living apart might be a good idea for now. Driving an hour to and from work each day is amazingly stressful and exhausting. If that long drive is off his plate for now that might be good. I’m also thinking that when you do see each other it might be more enjoyable. Sometimes when we see each other everyday we can take each other for granted, Seeing each other a few times a week often allows us to enjoy out time together more.

It will take time for him to trust the new you. Showing him that you have changed will be far more powerful than just telling him. Have you read “His Secret Obsession” as Heidi recommended? I think it would be great to take a look as it will give you so many ideas about how to interact with him that will get his attention and start to rebuild trust between the two of you. take your time and really build something solid with this person so that you can whether the normal ups and downs of a relationship. The two of you are learning to trust each other and build something that works. That will take some time so use time to your advantage. It sounds like you re both still in this which is great. Start to utilize the respect principle and be respectful even when you disagree. take time to be alone so that you can continue to really get to know each other and build on the romantic aspect of the relationship. That will be very important as it will get you through some tough times together. Take a few of the steps we suggested over the next few weeks then check back in and let us know how it is going!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

So think it through. What does he have some expertise in? Does he like beer. Is he good at finances? Does he know how to fix things around the house? You know him so think of something he really like to talk about or do then ask him a question about that. You can do this!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Latisha, I’m sorry things have gone sour between the two of them. I’m wondering what he was referring to when he said you couldn’t operate like that anymore? What was bothering him? What was he complaining about in the relationship? My sense is there was something that was happening that may not have been working for him but he maybe didn’t know how to talk about it or work things through. If you can figure that out, you could have a different conversation with him that addresses his concerns.

For ow, don’t ask for an explanation or reach out to him. Send some more information and we can determine the best place to start. Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Arlene, I’m so sorry that someone took advantage of you. It makes me sad that there are so many people in the world who can hurt others without much thought or regret about their actions. While there are sites that check someones identity, many scammers are utilizing someone identity so it is almost impossible at times to know if the person you are communicating with is actually real.

My first advice is that you don’t communicate with anyone electronically that you don’t already know. If you are on a dating site, please meet the person as soon as you can so that you can begin to access this they are real and honest about who they are. Never give personal information to anyone you do not know as they re masters at taking that information ands using it to their advantage.

In terms of receiving James email, the timing is nearly a coincidence. I am passing this email on to customer service to see if they have any additional information they can share. Again, I’m so sorry about what happened. I acknowledge you for trusting your gut and not picking up that package!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Kristina, I’m glad you are reaching out for some ideas. What has he said is the main issue or problem for him in this relationship? Go back to before the break up. What things did you guys disagree about, argue over? I would really think about what he has shared and ty to understand his perspective. Once you feel you have figured some of this out, send him a text apologizing for the past behavior and sharing what you would do in the future if you had another chance. This can be short and sweet. The important thing is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open about your role in earlier difficulties. I know it is probably difficult to imagine but I promise it will get your point across in a powerful way.

You can also ignite his hero instinct to help him become more motivated.Think about what connected the two of you in the past and two connect in that way just a little at a time. In away you want to just give him drops of the relationship so that you leave him wanting for more! Nothing is more irresistible than a woman who doesn’t need a man! He will work hard to get you when you are a bit more vulnerable and willing to take responsibility for making the improvements that you have some say over! Try some of these ideas and they check back and let us know how it is going!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Jenny, I think it is great that you are comfortable in this situation. And, it seems like for a long time the situation was all the you needed to be satisfied. I also acknowledge you for being straight with him and asking for what you wanted. That shows me what a strong and empowered woman you are!

So here is the thing, it doesn’t sound like he really wants to be in a serious relationship. That being said, you could try to get to know him better when you re together. Just open up and share more about you and see if he can do the same. Don’t tell him that you are doing it-just do it and see how he responds. Do your best to ignore his hero instinct and see if he steps up to hep and support you. If he continues to give you signs that he is not interested in moving forward then I would consider how you want to actually spend your energy. Do you want to spend your time trying to get someone who may not be gettable or spend your time on someone who is actually interested in building something with you.

Sometimes we want the person we can’t get because it is somehow safer. Getting close and vulnerable to someone is far more difficult than keeping things light. I think it would be difficult to change this since it has been a hook up situation for so long. There has to be several things in place for a man to chase a woman;
1. there needs to be a sense that she is difficult to get so that his competitive nature is triggered
2. He needs to see himself getting small wins over time so that he get motivated to try harder
3. He needs to develop some level of emotional connection prior to becoming sexually involved

It isn’t really possible to go back and time and change the situation. He hasn’t had to put much effort into this situation and I don’t think anything would motivate him to do so now. Not because you aren’t worth it but because he is habituated to the current situation of getting what he wants without working at it. I’m sorry. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear but I want to be honest with you about what I think is possible here.

Try opening up when you are with him; sharing more vulnerability, asking his opinion on things, igniting his hero instinct and see if he begins to open up to you as well. My sense is his behavior will answer that question for you. Please check back in and let us know how it went. We’re here to support you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Susan. It sounds like your guy might need some time to cool down. When did your argument occur? In the past, when the two of you argued, what was the process you used to resolve the issue and make up? You’ve been together for nearly a year, you know him and how he responds to this based on your time together.

Maybe take a step back and do what Heidi shared above. Let him know that you are sorry, that you wished you had handled things differently. Tell him you are taking a step back and will be there where he is ready to talk. Then you’ll need to actually take a step back and let him work his way back to you. I know it is difficult but I think he will end up feeling respected and honored which might be just what he needs right now!

Kanya

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