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Hi Latisha, I do think the situation can change for the better. We’ve seen that take place again and again and I have every reason to think that will happen here. And, it does take time. Think of a train going 100 miles an hour is one direction. You want to change the direction the train is going. However, if you try to change that direction too quickly, the train will go off the tracks. This is similar to a relationship. Pushing for quick change often makes things go off the track. Instead, you want to slow the train down and gently redirect it. That is what you are in the process of doing right now and you are doing a great job of it!
It is also helpful to remember that men process emotions and decisions differently than women. Women can talk about things and can often change things more quickly. Men, on the other hand, need to have a lot of quiet time to process. They really do think things through differently and then they need to change direction more slowly. There isn’t anything wrong with how they do it, it’s just different.
One of the things you are getting used to is tolerating the discomfort of waiting without knowing how things will turn out. That can be really difficult. The things is, this is a really important relationship skill. There will be many times when the two of you are out of synch with something and you will take turns waiting for the other person to get to where you are. We don’t really tell young people about this part of relationships and it is a shame because it is just a normal thing that all couples go through.
For ow, is it possible that you could find a way to distract yourself from thinking about this? It might be good for you to get some mental and emotional space from all of this. Perhaps you could do some dating or at least be open to the attention of other men. You could also take on a project of some kind or immerse yourself in holiday preparations. The distractions are important right now for you to see that there are things happening here on really subtle levels.
Kanya
Hi Any, I’m so sorry to hear about this turn of events. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you and your kids. I hope that you are in a place that is safe and where you can nurture yourself and your children. Legally he is responsible for financially supporting his children. I’m sorry that he isn’t interested in helping with them. Is this new behavior on his part or has he consistently left the care of the children to you? Do yo have a support system of family and friends who can help you with the kids. I know that being a single parent can be a lot to manage and we all need a break now and then.
I’m curious about what he has shared is the reason for this separation. In addition to feeling unappreciated and unsupported in the past, what else has he talked of over the years? Thinking back might give you some additional clues as you try to sort this out. You mention that you have tried to leave in the past. What were the reasons for that? Have things improved in the relationship over the years so that things were working for you. I know that is a lot of questions but knowing more would help me know how to better guide and support you.
For now try to give him space even though it is really difficult to do so! While he needs the space I think it would be good for you as well so that you begin to learn how to manage your feeling without relying on him to feel better. While the two of you may reconcile, it is important for you to know that you can be happy and strong even if the two of you aren’t together. Earlier I asked about a support system. Please spend time with supportive family and friends who can remind you of how awesome you are! This is important to remember because sometimes, when someone isn’t sure they want to be in a relationship with us, we can feel as though something is wrong with us and this can have a significant impact on our self esteem. There is nothing wrong with you! Relationships take two people who are willing to show up day in and day out and learn how to create a life together. It sounds like you’ve both made mistakes, that you both are human. Yes, take responsibility for your actions but also realize that the success or decline of a marriage is the responsibility of both partners!
Please write back with some additional information so we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, It is important to remember that the Relationship Rewrite is not a quick fix. It takes time and a willingness to be patient as things turn around. Give it some time and in the mean time be sure to take good care of you. Spend time with family and friends who make you feel awesome about yourself! Yes, you have invested a lot in this and whether or not he takes advantage of that you will certainly be able to apply these principles to your relationships in the future!
Kanya
Hi Natalee, no, I don’t think you are insane. I think you want your husband and that is a very normal thing. While this is difficult I do hear a lot of positives.
He never moved out.
He hasn’t slept with her.
He is open to talking with you about this.
Rather than acting rashly he is taking his time.
He is opening up more to you.I do think he may be feeling back as she left her husband and he has not left. He will need to realize that he needs to do what is right for him and his family regardless of her behavior. I can understand why you didn’t trust him. If she left her husband for him it seems like he was planning on leaving as well. They clearly were thinking of the possibility of building a relationship.
I know it might sound strange but what it you stopped talking about her and instead focused on helping him identify what was missing that he went outside the marriage. Did you notice anything in the way they communicate that you could start to incorporate into your communication with him? Does he want more support? To be able to express himself? To feel like a King again? You can get a lot of clues from his and begin to apply new skills to your relationship with him!Have you been igniting his hero instinct? I would definitely be doing that on a regular basis! Allowing him to help you and feel important is something that men really need to feel. Also, are you utilizing the respect principle? I know it must be hard at times but it is important. Right now he has a fantasy of what the relationship could be like with her and it is all wonderful and easy. She is respectful and not critical because they haven’t gotten to any major bumps in the road and they haven’t lived together for years. He you;d benefit from more respect so that he can see what is possible in this relationship. I’m not suggesting you pretend this hasn’t been hurtful, just be respectful when you talk about it. Focus on what he wasn’t getting before and show him that you are willing to do that for him.
Have you read “The 5 Love Languages?” I think it would be helpful right now as it would help you understand his emotional needs and how to help him feel more loved, values, and appreciated. Give it a read and let me know what you think. In the mean time, breath! Time is on your side in that he hasn’t left and it sounds as though he doesn’t really want to. He just needs to figure out how to say no to her. My sense is as your relationship improves it will become easier for him to end the friendship and fully commit to you again. Please keep us posted and we are here to help you through this difficult time.
Kanya
Hi Purina, I think that is a good plan. I love your idea of talking while walking. I do think it will help him feel less self conscious about the conversation and perhaps open up more. I acknowledge you for all that you have learned and how willing you are to utilize new skills in this situation. You rock!
I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Lindsy, I’m so glad that you are reaching out for support. Things sound as though they have been really complicated with your guy for awhile now. Do I think he wants it to work? Well, yes and no. I think he cares for you and as he says if you get along the two of you could have a good thing. Can you tell me more about what tends to trigger the two of you to argue? There may be ways to learn to talk about things more respectfully and peacefully. Doing so could help both of you be able to build something more positive with each other.
I also think he wants his freedom to come and go as he pleases. That seems to be what he has been doing and my guess is he will continue to do. He may take breaks from this and be able to live with you, like recently when you needed him. Then he may feel the need to break away without really knowing or understanding why. It’s interesting that things went so well when you needed him recently. Men do like to be needed and this seemed to inspire him to care for you and be close to you. When you are well do you let yourself need him? Do you do thing to inspire his hero instinct? I would imagine that you have learned to be very self sufficient over the years. Perhaps you could give him the chance to take care of you more and see if this helps him stay in one place. Have you read the Relationship Rewrite? In it James outlines several steps to get the relationship back on track. I think you would find it helpful.
One thing that could be contributing to his erratic behavior at times is his use of cocaine. After using people feel depressed, edgy and irritable. This could lead to more arguments and an inability for the two of you to be able to get along. Long term use makes people hostile, paranoid, angry and anxious. It would make it difficult to maintain a peaceful relationship under these circumstances. I’m afraid that he would need to stop using drugs and for the two of you to be able to see what the baseline is for the relationship. Depending on when he started to use either drugs or alcohol, he probably has some maturing to do on an emotional level. People who use don’t develop these skills because they utilize partying to deal with stress and pressure. When they stop using the drug then need to consciously develop these skills and get up to their age level developmentally.
He wants things to work when they are good but when they get difficult I think he, and probably you, feel overwhelmed and at that point move into avoidance of the issue mode. I know this is a lot for you to think about. I hope I have given you some direction and a place to start to improve your connection with him. And, pay attention to his mood in the days following his drug use and see if you notice more irritability and irrational thoughts. When he is like that I suggest you take a step back and give him some space until he comes back into balance. Don’t argue with him or try to resolve the issue because at that point I’m not sure anything positive will come from trying to communicate. Please write back with additional questions or thoughts as we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Michelle, It sounds as if he likes you. Is there a reason that you are asking? I’m wondering if there is some behavior that might be contradicting what he is saying. You have only been dating for 2 months but it does sound as if he is interested in getting to know you better. I’m wondering what your gut is telling you about this! Please let us know.
Kanya
Hi Latisha, yes, there is a suggested ration for compliments but that is based on when you connect. It doesn’t mean that you need to connect more in order to share more compliments. I wonder if there is a way for you to stand back a bit and let him take more of the initiate in communicating? I think it might be good for him to take the lead and it might help you feel more confident int he connection. Have you been trying this lately?
Kanya
Hi Natalee, If the pattern has been you consistently initiating contact hen yes, send him a sweet, playful text during the rip to let him know you are thinking about him. If he sometimes initiates contact then I would consider waiting until he initiates. I understand that you are concerned but I hear that you are feeling some pressure here. Would he really lose interest and find someone new if the two of you didn’t communicate for a few days? That seems like a big response.
I wonder, is he still seeing the coworker you first talked about? Is this perhaps playing into your fear at this stage? Please feel free to share additional information so that we can better support ou!
Kanya
Hi Angela, I’m sorry that this is happening. I’m wondering what has been happening that lead to this? In the past what has he talked about or complained about? What has he said doesn’t work for him? The reason I ask is because usually there is a history of someone being dissatisfied in a relationship long before they talk about leaving. Can you share a bit more information with me so that I can better guide you? Thanks.
Kanya
Hi Purina, I’m glad that the advice you received in the past was helpful! I hope I can be of assistance in this situation. It sounds like the two of you are friends and up until about 2 months ago it felt like maybe there was the chance that it would become something more. Is that accurate? I’m not sure what changed him and realistically it could be one of many things. Have you spoken to him about it? I know that it could feel vulnerable to do so but I think there is a way to do it that doesn’t leave you feeling too exposed. What if you simply said something like, “You seem to be different these days. I’m wondering if everything is okay?” Then sit back and see how he responds. This is something that I would expect one friend to say to another so I think it would be a safe way to explore a bit about what may have changed for him. If he says that he is fine an nothing has changed you can say something like “Maybe it’s my imagination but you don’t seem as comfortable around me when we are in the group together as you used to be.” Then again, leave lot os space for him to share.
If he chooses not to tell you the reason for the change then perhaps it is better that the two of you remain friends so that you can begin to explore other options. IF he does tell you then you will have more information and he will have opened up to yo a bit more which would be wonderful.
When the two of you are together are you flirtatious with each other? Does he talk to you about other women he is interested in? Does he act as though he may be interested in more? Having a bit more information would be helpful in answering your question more fully. If you’d like you can share more about the situation and I will be happy to comment more! Bye for now!
Kanya
Hi Monica, I wonder if he just needs more time to be ready to be in a new relationship. How long was he with his girlfriend? Was it a serious relationship? Many times people actually need some down time before committing again. Also, the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend before breaking ups with her may be leading him to question if he is able to give you his best and truly committee. Have the two of you talked about where he is at and what he is needing right now? If he is giving you the minimum then maybe you take a step back as well and determine what will work for you in all of this. Maybe stepping back will make him want you more. It often happens that way because as you get strong and empowered again, feeling confident on your own, well men find that really attractive.
Perhaps you can do an experiment for yourself. For the next few weeks play a little hard to get while being irresistible to him and see what the results are. Please keep us posted as we’d love to hear how it is going. You may be surprised at how your distance affects him in a positive way!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, I acknowledge you for being willing to learn how to approach this in a new and powerful way. you clearly are showing a high level of commitment to doing things differently.
I wouldn’t focus too much on when or how he responds. He is clearly taking his time and thinking about things. Unlike a woman, he isn’t going to express all that he is thinking and feeling. Learning to respect those differences is going to be important. This is going to take some time so don’t worry about how log it takes for him to respond or if he is really hearing what you share. I promise, is does hear you. Refrain from over doing. Often, in these situations, less is definitely more!
Kanya
Hi Leslie, I’m sorry this misunderstanding continues. It must be very upsetting. My guess is that hope is not really gone, he’s just hit the pause button for the moment. Has he done this in the past? Is this kind of what he does when he is feeling overwhelmed? I think that for now send him a text simply apologizing and telling him you miss him, nothing else. Then give him space to make his way back.
When he does come back, I would focus on learning about the respect principle so that you are able to treat him respectfully. When you guys disagree it’s probably best not to tell the other person they care crazy when they have a different opinion. It sounds like the eye rolling was hurtful so apologizing calmly and explaining what had made you roll your eyes might be a more effective approach. When I coach couples I encourage them to refrain from eye rolling, sighing, and any signs of contempt as this can have very negative affects on the relationships.
When he does return, spend your efforts rebuilding and getting used to treating each other with a new level of respect!
Kanya
Hi Natalee, I’m glad the two of you re starting to reconnect and I can understand that this is stressful given you aren’t sure where things will end up. I encourage you to take advantage of the 4 days and focus on your well being as you shared. I would avoid texting him daily. You want him to miss you and that will allow his desire to grow. Respond lovingly to his texts but let him initiate for now. This is so exciting and probably nerve racking at that same time. I echo Heidi’s advice to get strong in yourself, care for yourself, and love yourself first. Approaching your husband from a place of wholeness will be far more empowering than feeling like you re waiting for him to make a decision! You can do this!!!
Kanya
