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Hi Sarah, hmmmmm that doesn’t really sound like a good friend. In the future please refrain from telling her your feelings, hopes, etc as it seems she can’t keep things private. For now just continue to be yourself, focus on you, and trust that this will unfold in the right timing!
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I’m sorry that things seem to have come to a screeching halt. I can imagine how confusing and frustrating that must be! You shared that you were seeing each other for a few weeks and that you spent a couple of weekends together. Do you mean you were on dates on the weekends or actually spent the weekends together. I’m wondering if things were moving too fast, starting to feel like a relationship, and that this spooked him. Can you share more content please! Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Darci, I’m not sure where the first message is from you but I’m happy to answer your current question. I think it would be great to ignore his hero instinct when you do reach out. Think about something he is really good at or really enjoys then ask for his advice about that subject. So, If he is good at doing things around the house ask for his suggestion on a small home project. If he loves coffee, say you want to try something new but aren’t sure where to start. If he has traveled somewhere ask him the best place to visit intuit city, etc. Make it relevant to your life so that it feels like a real need to him.
Start by texting “I need your help.” when he responds, ask your specific question. Then, after he give his answer thank him and tell his that it was really helpful. You might even add something like “You’re my hero! Hope you’re well!” Then, sit back and wait. He will respond with a question or something and the two of you can begin to communicate. Most likely he will initiate a meeting of some kind.
In the mean time I suggest you read “The Relationship Rewrite” so that you have a lot of ideas about how to talk about the past in a way that excites him about creating a future together! As I shared, I didn’t see your earlier messages so if you have more content to share please do!
Kanya
Hi Lauren, It sounds like you really are doing all the right things with this guy. You feel confident with him and he clearly senses that. As you shared, he doesn’t respond well to the direct request via text which is why hemal not have responded to your last suggestion that you go to visit. I suggest you let it go for now and know that he will reach out to you soon. He may have felt like the timing was bad but wasn’t sure how to say so. Sometimes guys will say nothing rather than saying no. Yes, it is annoying but eventually he will see that he can communicate things with you even if you aren’t pleased with what he is saying.
In the past who has been the one to initiate time together? Is it you, him, or a combination? Also, if you think about it rationally, how frequently do you think he would like to get together versus you? Guys usually go for longer period of time before they feel the need to connect. Once you figure it out see if you can get on his timeline a bit more. This might make it easier for him to commit to more time together. If he isn’t ready for that then maybe take a step back and see less of each other. In a way this might be better because his desire to see you would build to a stronger level which might motivate him to spend more time together.
For now, take a step back and refocus on your life. Based on his past behavior he will resurface soon and together you can figure out when the next visit will be! Hang in there.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, So this is great news. I’m so glad that you were able to try something different. It seemed like it worked well.
two things. First-just ignore his mother. As you shared she has her own agenda and there is not reason to think that it is his agenda too. Let it go and focus on the two of you. That is all that matters here!
Next, building momentum is not going to be a straight line. He needs to be able to come and go over the next few weeks. He needs to know that he has his freedom to choose to be in this relationship or not. That will most likely take alone time for him to process. I can hear fear indoor words and that is the last thing you need to be feeling right now. You are doing everything right. Now you need to step back, give him space to miss you, and let him initiate! Don’t make this too easy for him. Be busy and excited in your own life and you will be irresistible to him. I’m not suggesting you fake this, I’m suggesting you actually do this! You must be busy with kids, work, the holidays. What if you actually enjoy your time away from him. Focus on your life for a bit, make the changes we talked about regarding learning to deal with stress in a more effective manner. Integrate more self care into your life so that you aren’t reliant on him to fix things for you. These changes need to be real so that you aren’t just telling him about then but actually showing him
This may take a few weeks or even months so think of the long game here versus the short term goals.You are putting too much pressure on yourself to make this happen. If you keep doing what you have been doing and following the steps inThe Relationship Rewrite things will keep moving in the right direction. Don’t feel the need to push and make them go faster because that usually backfires. Use the time apart productively and know that this time is important to him. He needs to be away from you so that he misses you and realizes he wants to recommit. Unfortunately you can’t rush this process. So, lot of deep breaths! Schedule time with family and friends. Clean our your closets. Organize the pantry. Plan a summer vacation. Find things to do so that you aren’t focusing much energy on this for the time being. If you feel pressure he will feel pressure. I really think that what he needs is time and to actually see the changes in you. You can do this!!!
Kanya
Hi Leslie, the fact that things seemed like they were heading in the right direction tells me that he does want the marriage to work. From what I hear in your words, he is asking you to be kinder to her and to treat her as though she were your child. Is that accurate? While it can be challenging, it is important that you respect her even if she isn’t currently doing the same. Otherwise, this will just go round and round in circle in that neither of you will be willing to show respect until the other one does. It sounds as though that is not working in this situation and in my experience it is not an effective way to approach things.
It seems like he wants you to treat this girl like part of the family. If this is important to him then you need to make it important to you. He feels she is his daughter and he is wanting you to love her and treat her as such. It is a totally different kind of love then what he feels for you. Many people see love as having limits but really it is limitless. Just because he loves her more now doesn’t mean he has less love for you. It seems that you may need to get used to that idea and learn so enjoy their connection rather than feeling some sort of treat from it.
I would encourage you to look at your behavior objectively. Is there a part of you that is perhaps treating her differently? Are you pushing her away because you feel he is choosing her over you in some way? It would be normal for you have some feelings coming up and maybe it is time to look at that and decide how you want to be moving forward.
I know it is not easy but as I shared earlier I do think this marriage is important to him and I think you can trust that. Think of the ways that he makes you happy and let him know about those things. The two of you can still have your own time together and maybe you need more of that right now as the family continues to adjust to this change. While it might be scary to think of it, welcoming this girl into your family and treating her as family could be the thing that dramatically improves your marriage. Try to see this from his perspective and see if there is a way to meet in the middle! Please let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, Thank you so much for sharing more! This is great information for me. Okay, so basically he needs you to manage your stress better. He needs you to take his feedback and allow it to make you feel better. Being with a partner who is stressed much of the time can be draining. It sounds like he probably felt helpless. And, as men need to see that they make us happy, if you were over stressed, then he wasn’t really seeing that you were happy. Saying you re happy is different than actually being happy.
So, for the meeting I would get “The Relationship Rewrite” and think about how to incorporate the first step during your meeting on Friday. Basically it will mean acknowledging something he shared that bothered you, acknowledging how difficult that was for him, and apologizing, and talking about what you could do differently in the future. This does not need to be a long conversation. Here is an example. “I’ve been thinking a lot about how I dealt with stress when we were together. I realize now how stressful that must have been for you. I wasn’t able to show you how happy I really was with you and I’m so sorry about that. I so appreciate they ways you tried to help me feel better and I’m sorry I didn’t let that in.” Then let him respond. After he does add something like “You’re an amazing man and I’m so appreciate of who you are and how loving you were with me.” Then stop. Let him absorb what you are saying and see, by the look on your face, that you have begun your transformation.
Then, after the meeting continue to implement the steps that James outlines to heal the relationship. Don’t feel rushed to make it happen now. There is a real difference between men and women in this situation. When a man promises he’s changed women are willing to reconnect based on his word versus his actions. Men, on the other hand, need to see the changes for a period of time before they are willing to reconnect.
If you are able to treat him with respect, and truly learn how to manage your stress differently he will notice the difference. When the two of you talk I would avoid focusing on the difficulties of your life. Lead the conventions with positive words and thoughts, ask for ideas about how to handle the situation, then let it go. Show him your fun, relaxed, playful self and you will become irresistible to him!
Kanya
Hi Natalee, It sounds like the two of you are moving forward and learning to work things out. That is great! It sounds like you have said and done things that HAVE gotten his attention and his desire to move forward. In my experience, the best thing you can do is to continue to show him that you are happy to give him what he wants and needs. And, he wants to give you what you want and need.
I can understand why you feel you are walking on egg shells but it doesn’t need to feel that way. Has ben been clear about what bothers him and what needs to change? Learn to adjust from his words. No, this doesn’t mean becoming a person that doesn’t have your own mind or express yourself. It means giving him respect, love, and support and learning to communicate in a better way.
I would be integrating the Respect Principle as a normal part of the relationship. So when you do communicate you do so from a respectful way. Let me give you an example. Let’s say he does something that really bothers you. Most of us might say something like “I have when you do that. Why don’t you care enough about me to stop?” These 2 sentences are rife with argument bate. They will also most likely shut down any reasonable conversation about the issue. Here is another way to deal with the same situation. “Honey, I’m sure you don’t mean to do it but when you do X I feel frustrated. Can we try something different instead?” It might also mean learning to not take things personally and accepting your differences. Can you give me an example of something you are struggling with? I’d like to give you advice that is specific to your situation.
Have you taken a look at the Reports that James has put of this site? There are several that I think would be helpful to you at this time. I suggest you read “Develop Alluring Confidence With Men” and “Get him to Cherish your Relationship.” I think both of these would give you a lot of ideas about how to help him see how irresistible you are! Please read through them, think about how you could integrate them into your relationship, and let me know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I acknowledge you for not texting him back. I know it is difficult but I think it is a good idea at this point. I’m curious, what were the reasons he talked about when he ended the relationship? You mention that he panics. Can you tell me more about that? It sounds as though he started to become distant soon after he proposed. Was there any disagreements about where to live, what the wedding would be like, when to marry? I do think there is a good possibility that he started to panic about either not being able to make you happy or not knowing how to resolve a disagreement of some kind.
Is there anything that comes to mind that you can share? It would help me know how to better support you!
Kanya
Hi Sharlene, I am glad that you are reaching out for support. I imagine all the ups and downs of the past few weeks has been confusing. I and glad to hear that you like him but am a bit concerned for your heart given the variety of signals he is sending you.
I think it’s important to accept that the two of you are not in a relationship at this time. Because of your feelings for him I get the sense that you may be further along in this than he is. For that reason it is probably a good idea for you to take a step back and recenter. Yes, be friendly and irresistible with him but realize he is focusing so much energy on work that he may not be able to focus energy on you or on building this connection for the time being. I do think he cares for you but he needs to deal with more urgent issues and unfortunately dating may need to take a back seat for now.
I would suggest you spend time with family and friend who make you feel good about yourself. It will take a few days, or even weeks of consciously refocusing until you stop thinking about him all the time but I think it is important to do at this time. Other wise you will understandable get upset or frustrated that he isn’t responding or reaching out to you the way he used to. If you can whether this is a calm and empowered way, he will want to see you when his schedule lightens up a bit. Think of things that you can focus on. They can be big or small. Clean out your closets, paint the bedroom, train for a marathon-anything that you can sink your energy and time into would be good.
He is clearly an intense guy, fully present and charming when he wants to be. This can make his absence feel very cold. DO what you can to not take it personally. You are still getting to know each other and that will take time. I think it is great that he has been able to open up to you. This shows that he is interested in more. For date 5 can I suggest doing something fun but not sleeping together. Spending time together outside of the bedroom will give you a much better idea of who this person is and what type of relationship could be available to you one day.
Do take a look at the reports James has on this site so that you can learn more. But, don’t do it solely to get his attention as that may not be possible at this time. Do it to improve your relationship skills. This will lessen any attachment to things moving at a quicker pace at this time. Take a look at the reports and see which ones you are interested in at this time then read away! I know it can feel really difficult to take a step back but you can do this! Please check back in and let us know how you are doing!
Kanya
Hi Patti, This is a great question. I’m not surprised that it feels like there is a 3rd person in the relationship because there is! It hasn’t been long enough for him to be ready to commit. In my experience it often takes a year or more for men in this situation to be ready for something new. That being said, it sounds as though there are a lot of really positive things between the two of you which you are enjoying.
There will be a lot of ups and downs in the next few years as he continues to grieve and many times when he may not be available to you because of his pain. I think you need to weight the pros and cons of staying or ending it and see which option resonates for you. It’s not something I or anyone else can decide. I will caution you about attaching too deeply to him because there is a good chance that he will not be able to do the same. In a way this is a rebound relationship for him and that doesn’t always end well. He may decide in 6 months that he isn’t ready and end the relationship. He could also stay in the relationship and take time to be 100% present and available. If you do stay you probably need to be prepared for this to take years before he is fully ready. Is that something that will work for you? Do write a pros and cons list for each possible decision, think it over, then write back with your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, I too am concerned that it may be too soon to ask him where things stand. He is just starting to initiate conversation more and more. For now it would be better if you allow the two of you to enjoy that connection and be open to it developing into more. I do think that things take time to turn around. I also recognize that when a woman is more independent and happy in her own life that men find this very alluring. It sounds like you have done a great job doing all of these things!
I’m sorry that you didn’t feel that we were being encouraging. I went back it looks like you starting writing on the forum on November 11. Look at all the progress that has been made in less than a month! Yes, a lot of this is about not doing anything, about sitting back and being receptive. That is often how relationship work best, especially whey a man goes through some time of doubting. I don’t think he is dating anyone else as it sounds like his interest in you is growing but I do think he needs more time before commitment is talked about.
Keep us posted!!!
Kanya
Hi Debora, I’m glad that you are writing in for some support. I can tell by the detail of what you share that you have thought about this situation a lot over the past few months. It sounds like the two of you got very close via text and phone but only saw each other once, if I am reading your message correctly. AS wonderful as the connection seemed, neither of you really had the opportunity to get to know each other. Really know each other.
You had the opportunity to see the best of each other in your communication, which helped you see the potential that was there. unfortunately, you didn’t have the opportunity to get to know each other in day to day ways. The reason I bring this up is because it is easy to fantasize about what someone could have been like but that is different than actually getting to know someone.
Think about the things that he made a priority during the time that you knew him. Those things are probably still going to be his priority. Be honest with yourself about whether or not that is going to work for you. If so, then send him a holiday card just to let him know that you are thinking of him and that you are open to the possibility of reconnecting. Please keep us posted as we are here to support you on your journey!
Kanya
Hi Lauren, I have seen LTR blossom over time. It seems as though the two of you have an amazing connection. The fact that the two o you decided to try a LDR says a lot about that connection. It sounds like he might still be in the place of keeping the door open but not committing to more just yet. I wouldn’t be dissuaded by that. In my experience women are usually 6-9 months ahead of men in terms of being ready to move to the next level. Whether it is time to commit, move in together, get engaged, or have a baby women are usually the ones leading the way. Men just need some time to catch up.
It sounds like given the situation this is what feels right of him at this time. I totally understand that you want more. I’m just wondering what more means to you? Is it possible that you already have more than you anticipated? Given that your jobs have short term commitments you may find yourself living in the same city in another year. I think you pace yourself, be your amazing send, and trust that things will develop over time-even if it takes a bit longer than you would like!
Kanya
To me, the main thing to focus on right now is the baby steps the two of you are taking to get back to each other. You shared that before he left you voted a big shift in his interaction with you. This is what you need to continue to focus on. I know that you are feeling incredibly vulnerable at this point. That is completely understandable. And, you will need to continue to feel vulnerable and open as he continues to take steps forward.
I think that you are both on the right track and it does sound as though he is opening up his heart to you again. I’m so happy to hear this is happening. I know it is difficult but keep focusing on the present. I agree with Heidi, stop focusing on this other woman as she really is just a blip. Focus instead on your history with your husband and the future the two of you could have together as things more forward.
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by wanting to make up for all of your mistakes over the years. You’ve both made mistakes, that is something that human beings do. You can’t make up for all of that but you can show him you have changed about it sounds like you have been doing this for some time now. You can’t make him believe that but you can continue to be that person. It sounds like he is seeing that more and more which is wonderful.AS you said, he needs time to see that these changes are real. Since they are real, all you need to do is just continue to be your self, with all the wonderful insight and maturity you now bring to the table.
Please keep us posted!
Kanya
