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Hi GH, I acknowledge you for trusting your gut. It sounds as though that was an important step for you to take. I’m so glad that you have closure and I agree that there is someone else out there who will be worth your love and support who will indeed cherish you! Happy holidays.
Kanya
Hi NH, Look in the section you originally posted in. The questions are in order of date submitted with the most recent ones at the top. Scroll back until you find it.
Kanya
Hi, ugh I can understand why you are feeling confused! I get the sense that he likes you but does get freaked out at the thought of more. While it is really understandable that you ant to share your feelings with him, I think it is too soon to do so. Right now you guys aren’t dating so talking about how you feel could freak him out. I’m not saying you did anteing wrong at all. It’s just a bit soon to be opening up to him like that. This is the type of guy who really needs to be able to lead the charge in this situation. By that I mean that he needs to initiate more than you. That being said, you always have the power to say no. For example, when you were with him at his brothers you cold have actually left rather than stayed. This would have made him pursue you more. It’s important that you say no sometimes. Be busy with other things. Be too tired to spend the night. He will pursue you more when you are not predictable.
Even when the two of you start to date it will be important for him to take the lead in terms of he relationship status. We already know this is a guy who scared easily so go slowly and let things develop organically. It’s fine if you miss him but don’t share that with him yet. While it makes sense that you would want to share that with him, I get the sense that it feels lie pressure to him. Show him that you can be open and noncommittal for a while so that he can get used to the idea of dating someone from the team.
Be sure to keep reading the reports on this site so you become even more irresistible to him!
Kanya
Hi Lauren, I can understand why this is confusing. He has sent you mixed messages.He responded to texts that compliment him and I assume ignite his hero instinct. I’m wondering if for him things have run their course for the time being. That doesn’t mean he won’t be back, just that he seems to be taking a break from pursuing anything at the time being. This could be due to his schedule, confusion about what he wants, or other things.
Are you going back to Europe permanently or just for a visit? At this point you might want to say something like “I’m heading back to Europe and just wanted to say good bye. wishing you the best.” What I like about this message is that it is unclear of you are saying bye for now or bye to the relationship. He may actually want to respond more if he thinks you are no longer interested. I know that seems weird but men are far more interested in us when they think we aren’t interested in them. I would refrain from touching base or even sending texts showing what you are up to. Send the above text the day before you leave and see how he responds. I know it is difficult but I can say that continuing to text him on a regular basis won’t give him the time ti miss you and engage his own actions to connect with you. I think this might be bad timing overall versus anything you may or may not have done. AS you share, you are a catch! While you like him as he is remember that he is also not a great communicator. If he has ghosted you at this point he most likely will do it again in the future so be sure to see him for who he is holistically versus the parts that you like.
Take a step back to regroup and start to really put this behind you. As I shared, men are very attracted to women who are not interested in them!
Kanya
Hi Lauren, I’m sorry that he has grown a bit distance. I think there are many reasons why this could be happening so I would encourage you not to jump to any conclusions. For now, I recommend you send him a text igniting his hero instinct. Now is the perfect time to ask him about something he likes. Say he likes coffee, send a “I need your help” text. When he responds you can say something like “I know your a coffee guy. I want to get something new for my dad for Christmas. What brand do you recommend?” Then, after he replies send him a “Thanks so much. You’re my hero!” That’s it for now. He will see this as an opening and will reach out more to see how you are of share a bit more. Dom’t jump back in, rather give yourself some time and space. After a week of 2 send him a complimentary text.
For now I would refrain from suggesting a meet up or spending time together. While we don’t know what is going on for him it would be wise not to put any pressure on him regarding the two of you. I know that spending time together should not feel like pressure but I think it may feel like that to him at this point.
Have you read through any of the reports available to you on this site? I think now would be a good time to review some of them. I thinking of two in particular; the one on flirting and the one on abundance dating. I think the strategies in both of these would be particularly helpful at this time.
The most important thing I think you need to do for yourself right now is to move this to more of a casual connection inside of yourself. That doesn’t mean that you don’t take steps to move forward. Rather, it gives you internal time and space to see this as a more casual thing until you are BOTH ready for more. Otherwise both you and he could feel some unwanted pressure to be further ahead than you can be at this time.
In terms of New Years-I would make blow out plans with your friends! If you don’t plan on seeing him and have actual plans that you are looking forward will take a lot of pressure off both of you. New Years Eve dates are for people who are in relationship. Since you two are not there yet, be realistic with yourself and fill your time with fun and interesting activities! I hope this helps. Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Lori, Uggg this must be so frustrating for you. It has been going on for a long time and I can only imagine how difficult it is. Given his tendency to shut down rather that face disagreement or conflict, his moving to another country makes sense because it makes him even more unreachable.
The first thing that comes to ming is The Relationship Rewrite. In it James outlines a whole step by step process to get things back on track with your guy. I’m wondering if this would be a good place for you to start. I recommend you read through the book first then go back to the start and begin to implement the steps. It does take some time but I think it would be worth the effort if you really want to try to get him back.
I’m also wondering if there is any part of you that questions if you want to get things back on track? Do you sometimes think about moving on to the next phase of your life without him? I’m just asking because if you do think about that it would be important to be able to acknowledge it and understand where you really are with all of this.
I agree that he is facing seeming akin to a midlife crisis. I think he is trying to turn back the clock a bot. He is wanting the young part of his life to continue a bit longer. This is a really normal desire. When you were together did he ever talk about wanting to do things the two of you used to do? Did he talk about wanting to feel younger and act younger? I wonder if this is something you could show him you are open to. It is certainly something to think about.
Please read through The Relationship Rewrite then check back in with thoughts and questions. Looking forward to hearing from you!
Kanya
Hello, I acknowledge you for making a decision and sticking with it. How did that feel? Often we need to refocus on what we are wanting and needing before we can figure out what others need. I think taking Heidi’s suggestions is a great idea. Let us know how things progress!
Kanya
Hi Darci, I too am so sorry for your loss. I can understand why it is hard to put into words. The pain you feel in on a level that words can’t always describe. Having gone through several miscarriages myself I can promise that you will get through this. The waves of pain will become less frequent and less intense. While you will always have a place in your heart for this time in you life that place won’t always hurt. Have you ever seen a forrest a few months after a fire has taken place. In a short amount of time a lot of plant start to grow up from the ashes, rebuilding the majestic forrest. Humans are like that too-we don’t stay in a place of devastation. WE naturally start to rebuild. Think of you. Please do keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Darci, I too am so sorry for your loss. I can understand why it is hard to put into words. The pain you feel in on a level that words can’t always describe. Having gone through several miscarriages myself I can promise that you will get through this. The waves of pain will become less frequent and less intense. While you will always have a place in your heart for this time in you life that place won’t always hurt. Have you ever seen a forrest a few months after a fire has taken place. In a short amount of time a lot of plant start to grow up from the ashes, rebuilding the majestic forrest. Humans are like that too-we don’t stay in a place of devastation. WE naturally start to rebuild. Think of you. Please do keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Camille, What a great idea! I think a lost of fun things you can do for free is a great place to start. I also appreciate that you are choosing to see the possibilities here versus just the challenges. I think it is important to understand that you both are in a transition from LDR to in person relationship. That can be stressful and takes some time to adjust and work out the kinks. Be patient and continue to love him the way you clearly do. Using respect principle is vital as he is really questioning himself as a provider, as you said. The two of you are clearly connected and just working through some kinks! You can do this.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I want to acknowledge you for all that you are willing to learn and integrate into all of this. I also want to share that i think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in all of this. I sense you are wanting to do things the ‘right’ way and maybe even doing all of this perfectly. Here’s the thing, you won’t be perfect. He won’t be perfect. That is not just okay, that is an important part of life. Instead of worrying about doing things right, begin to imagine that each interaction is a brick in a house that you are building-not the house itself. That way you take the pressure off of yourself which is really important.
You shared that part of what affecting the relationship in the past is how you responded to the stress in your life. I wonder, what are you doing to manage stress better? Are you finding ways to feel more calm and peace in your life? This is an area that you be stressful or exciting, depending on how you look at it. Things are clearly moving in the right direction. This is something to feel good about. AS I’ve shared before, this is probably going to take a few months for things to really get back on track. While you are working on the relationship it is even more important that you work on the relationship with yourself. Learning to feel whole inside of yourself is going to be an important step. Even when you are in a solid relationship you need to have an even more solid relationship with yourself. Doing so will increase your insight, increase your patience, and help you manage your stress more effectively.
For instance, when he doesn’t text for a few days you need to be able to be calm and reassure yourself that all is fine. Men absolutely need time to themselves so that they can begin to miss us and want to connect with us. Give him this time very now and then and he will find you even more irresistible. You see, women tend to go away when they are angry and they have hopes that the guy they love will come to them and encourage them out of their funk. This is why women tend to try to encourage men out of their cave. Men on the other hand tend to want to be left alone when they are inter cave. They don’t go away because they are angry but because they need some down time. So, they don’t want or need to be encouraged out again. On the contrary, they want to be left alone so that they can rebalance. So, when he goes away remind yourself that he isn’t angry with you, he isn’t questioning if you care for him. He just needs some down time and he will be back!
So, balance the two options of giving him space sometimes and then reaching gout with compliments or to ignite his hero instinct at other times. I know it is a lot to figure out but you can do this!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I’m so glad you are reading the Relationship Rewrite. In terms of where you are in the program, do you mean as it relates to rewriting the relationship? Is so, I would start at the beginning of the program and slowly work your way forward.
From what you’ve shared in the past it sounds as though the two of you are in contact via text. So, your mission (as James says) is to tamper with your ex’s anticipation machine. AS you know, James lays out the ways to do that. What is really important is you realize this could take some time and you allow yourself to feel confident even if things don’t turn around quickly. The reality is it will take some time. That is a good think because it really does take time to change a thought habit. Right now his brain sees getting back together as a negative. Over time you can help to shift this into a positive thought.
You have a powerful tool in your hand which I think will be very valuable. Begin to take the steps, have an extended time horizon, and let this take up just a bit of thought each day. Focusing on you the rest of the time will being more joy and peace and that in and of itself will contribute to this process!
Kanya
Hi Darci, I too am sorry that this is happening. It is so confusing when someone gives us mixed messages. I do think that he cared for you in the relationship and I don’t think he really knows how to handle those types of feelings. In a way, it is better that things have cooled because there is a better chance that he will get interested now that there is space between you. The thing is, he is more comfortable with the space. If the two of you reconnect and get back together he may repeat past behavior. Is that something that you think would work for you? I’ve seen a lot of relationships like this and they can be exhausting and overtime wear away a woman’s self confidence.
That being said, I think if you show him that the intensity is no longer present in your life that would go a long way. Continue to reach out occasionally and ignite his hero instinct. Ask him about something he knows and open up to his help. Then thank him and even say something like “You’re my hero.” I would also think about how you contributed to the intensity and ways in which you could have done things differently. Then, send a brief text acknowledging it. As an example, if someone realizes they were so stressed out during the relationship that they didn’t really nurture their guy or tell them how much they appreciated him they might send this type of text: “I’ve been thinking a lot and I realize that I didn’t really handle stress well when we were together. I know I didn’t express to you how much I appreciated you and all the wonderful things you added to my life. I know we’ve moved on but I wanted to at least make sure I let you know how awesome you were and that I really did appreciate your support!” Then, let it go. Give him some time to marinate on your words and let them do their magic.
Keep the door open by being friends and when you do communicate share about your life in a new way, in a way that shows him you have grown and evolved in ways that were important to him. No one can say for sure if this will make him recommit but it is a good path to that type of thing. And, always be respectful when interacting with him. He needs to know that this is the person you are now and will continue to be.
That gives you some things to think about. I’d also consider getting “The Relationship Rewrite” that is available on this site. It really is one of my favorites. In it James outlines a step by step process to help you get things back on track-even if he says he’s moved on!
Kanya
Hi N H, I’m glad to hear that he is back. You now have a closeness to him that will help show him how committed you are to making things work. It sounds as though you are aware of some things you could be doing differently. You shared that he started to open up to you and you shut him down. Is this something you could learn to do differently? Sometimes it is hard to hear what someone has to say but listening and being empathetic is very important right now. When he is talking and you want to interrupt of correct him, get in the habit of taking some deep breathes. Remind yourself that you are still great even if he doesn’t like something that you have done. He is here and working on things and that is what matters.
You mention that it has bothered him that you sleep with the kids and not him. Have you changed that? Are you now sleeping in the bed you share? It sounds like this is important to him so I would make sure to show him that you are listening and making changes.
What additional changes of you see yourself making? Are you practicing the respect principle when the two of you are communicating or spending time together? I suggest you make a list of the way you would like to be in this relationship. Let yourself read it at the beginning and end of the day. This will help you remind yourself and also help you see, at the end of the day, any progress you re making.
Also, if you can’t afford the Relationship Rewrite at this time there are plenty of free resources on this site that you can utilize. I would suggest you read a new article every other day so that you really start to internalize some new ideas and strategies! There is so much that you can learn from James experience! Please keep checking in as we are happy to help and support you on this journey!
Kanya
Hi HN, That is a great question. I can understand why you might be on the fence at this point. The two of you have a long history and of course have raised children together. I would imagine that you have many happy memories over the years. While it is a great question, whether you should move on or try to repair the relationship, it is a question that only you can answer. There reason is because you have to be 100% behind what ever you choose to do and that only comes from being clear in your intention.
I get the sense that you want to try but aren’t sure where to begin. That is understandable. Like a lot of couples that have been together for a long time you have had your ups and downs and have managed to cause each other some pain over the years. If you knew that you would be happy with either choice, which option would you be more interested in? Why would that work better for you? Be honest with yourself even if you don’t like all aspects of your truth.
If you choose to try to make it would there are a lot of things that you can do to get things back on track. Have you read “The Relationship Rewrite” yet? It is an amazing report. In it James lay out a step by step process to get things back on track. He does an amazing job explaining why each step is vital and gives examples about how to implement each step. I think that you would find it very helpful. I usually suggest that you read through the whole thing first then go back and slowly start to implement the steps. This works best when you don’t rush the steps. Going slowly allows for a much deeper helming to occur and right now it count as though you both could use a little of that.
This will require you to make some changes. From what you share it sounds as though you are aware of making some mistakes and taking him for granted in the past. He gave the relationship another chance but won’t do it again unless he sees, for a longer period of time, that you have made lasting changes. Being complimentary, respectful, and playful will be very important from this point forward. While it may seem like a lot, remember that you will be implementing things a little at a time. Taking just the first few steps will being change which will motivate you to create more positive change. Take a look at the Relationship Rewrite and feel free to ask some follow up questions about how to proceed. We’re here tp help in any way we can!
Kanya
