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Hi Crystal, I’m sorry that things aren’t progressing as well as you had hoped. Something you shared has me intrigued. When he shared that he wants you to ‘fix’ your self what is he referring to? Is it related to when you ‘freaked out’ when he said he needed space? If you share more about that I may be able to help you know how best to proceed.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, It is important to realize that your emotions are probably going in a lot of different directions given what you have been through. I recommend you give yourself some time to adjust and feel like yourself again.
Why don’t you have hope that you will meet anyone? I work with men all the time who feel the same way. There are men out there who are normal and genuine and in time you can meet them if this is what you would like! In terms of your ex, here is what I recommend you do. Sit down and write a list of the 10 aspects you find most important in a relationship. Then, take a break and after a few hours review the list once again. This time, take those 10 aspects and identify the 5 most important. Sleep on it an tomorrow review those 5 aspects and identify the top 3. Then ask yourself if your ex has those top 3 qualities. Base this on the person he currently is, not who he was or who you want him to be but who he is. My guess is he is not demonstrating these qualities and that is important to accept. These top 3 qualities are vital to you having a happy relationship so don’t compromise anthem. Compromise on number 7-10 but not 1-3. Other wise you will wind up always wanting something that your partner just isn’t capable of giving to you.
You were really clear after your hospitalization that your ex really couldn’t be there for you. When a relationship ends it can take many months to grieve and get to the place where you feel whole again. I think you are needing some time and distance before deciding if you want to go back and try to make things work. For now focus on resting when you aren’t working and getting to a place where you feel whole and happy again before making any decisions!
Kanya
Andrea, Well done! Please keep us posted as we are happy to guide you through any rough patches!!!
Kanya
Hi Bette, First I’d like to give you a lot of credit for your decision to leave your ex until get gets his drinking problem handled! That takes a lot of insight and courage and you clearly have made the right decision!
In terms of your text pal, it is impossible to say what will become of that. This is such a complicated situation; marriage, 1200 mile distance,a nd most importantly-you don’t know one and other at this point. Communicating via text and messaging cannot allow you to get to know this person and vice versa-it’s just not possible. Hearing each other’s voice, getting to see how they handle their lives, day to day stresses etc is vital. Right now you have only what he is sharing for you and what you are interpreting. That is why I always recommend people meet and get to know each other as part of getting to know each other.
In some ways this has a fairy tale tinge to it. While that is is romantic that is also concerning. Fairy tales are two dimensional where as life is multi-dimensional. While it is easy to get caught up in all of this, proceed with caution. Please don’t share any personal information with him about finances, where you live, etc. For now push for Skype or FaceTime so that you can at a minimum see what he looks like and get a better sense of him. Do your friends and family know about this connection? Please keep others up to date. At this point I want you to stay smart and stay safe while you learn more about this person!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, Okay. So let’s focus on his overwhelm. Right now he will not be able to move forward until he gets the rest of his life under control; caring for his kids, work, etc. For now I would take a step back and when you see him act as though you just had an argument and everything is okay. Don’t push for more at this point as he is showing you he just can’t do that. Don’t reach out to him via text at this time. Spend your time caring for yourself, getting back into balance, and feeling confident again!
As I shared earlier, do reach “The Relationship Rewrite” and in a week or two begin to implement the strategies step by step. It doesn’t sound as though he was talking about breaking up initially but perhaps felt pigeon holed a bit. I can understand that you were feeling really upset and frustrated and now is the time to slow things down and learn to avoid communicating with him when you are upset. Everyone gets upset and out of balance at times and we all need to learn when to take a break so that we don’t hurt someone or push them further away.
When a man disengages it can be incredibly difficult to stay calm. It often feels devastating and can trigger emotions that are very difficult to manage. This is why is it very important to increase your self care so that over time you will be able to stay calm in these difficult moments. When a person stays calm, the upset people around them can spin in circle but eventually will calm down and be reasonable and rational. When 2 people are spinning in circles things escalate, hurtful things are said, and relationships often explode.
I’m guessing that in the past either professionally or personally you’ve had the experience of being unaffected by someones upset. While it is difficult it is important to begin to develop these skills with your BF. Then, as he gets calmer you can begin to talk about things. If you want this relationship to work then you may need to reconsider moving your kids to a different school district. YEs, your ex will get angry but my sense is you have dealt with him anger in the past and probably will have to do so in the future. This might be a situation that is worth dealing with that anger.
I know this is a lot of information. Read it over, read through The Relationship Rewrite, then reconnect and we’ll figure out next steps!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, I’m so sorry that he ended things. I understand how painful that can be. And, I think there is reason to believe that things can be mended. For now I would take a step back from texting. Have you read “The Relationship Rewrite?” I think this is the perfect time to do so. In it James layer of a step by step plan to get things on track. I think you would get a lot of value out of it. Were there any other reasons for him to end the relationship beside you not being ready to move the kids in? If not, then I would ask you what you need to be ready for that? Maybe get clear what steps need to happen first so that he can see that things are indeed moving in that direction.
You have a 3 year history so I am curious about what he is wanting and wounding if it matches what you want? Did the two of you differ in terms of values and long term goals? Are there specific concerns you have about moving in with him. Please feel free to share more information so that I can better support you!
One piece of feedback that you can use in the future. “Please do me a favor” is different than saying “I need your help” and men will respond to it differently. For now, take a step back and lets see if we can figure this out a bit more before taking any steps.
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I’m so glad he responded so quickly and openly! You might just send him a quick text Saturday saying something like “Hey, if you are home tonight and want some company just let me know!” it’s a very light way of asking and if he isn’t available then I’d wait for another 2 weeks before trying to initiate. It sounds like his life may be getting less complicated in the next few months which would be great. Keep up the good work!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I just get the sense that he is so overwhelmed right now. I would send him a casual text saying something like “Hey, Happy New Year. I’m around Saturday and would be happy to bring dinner to your place and hang out. Let me know if your available.” Then the ball is in his court. How he responds will give you more of a sense about his ability to focus energy on the relationship. If you can keep things light for a period of time it might give him time to balance his work/life and could then focus more energy on his personal life. Ultimately you will need to work with what he can give at this time. That may or may not work for you and I can understand that this is frustrating. Sometimes life brings us unexpected challenges that we have to deal with that take away from the people we love. Sounds like the two of you might be in that place right now. If you can get on the same page about what is realistic at this time and what you could grow into that might make this difficult time more manageable.
I would see if he is available to spend some time together without talking too much about how difficult this time is-just enjoying each other and spending time together. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear that you are in the hospital. I hope that the treatment is working and that you are improving day by day. I’m sorry that you have seen his true colors int his way but I can understand why you would feel like enough is enough. While this is painful, the upside is that you are not completely clear on what you want and don’t want. Now is the time to really focus on yourself, on getting better, and moving on. It sounds as though you have wonderful care where you are with a lot of kindness and caring coming your way! Sending you so much healing love your way! Stay strong!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, Wow, he really does have a lot on his plate. It sounds as though he doesn’t even have enough time for sleep these days. The fact that he rolls is eyes when you suggest that the two of you break up is telling. It seems as though he doesn’t want to end the relationship, just needs to focus on other things at this time. So, it seems as if the decision is yours. Do you want to continue in the relationship as it is, knowing that his life will get less hectic over time or do you want to take a break?
If you do decide to move forward I would start to be more effective in asking for more time together. Rather than nagging, be realistic about how much time he can give and accept that for now. Maybe find ways to spend time with him while he is working. Do you go to church to listen to his sermon? Are you interested in volunteering at the hospital? Looking for ways to spend time together in service might be a good way to connect on a deeper level and show him that you support his vision and mission. Are there any other ideas that you can think of to spend more time together?
Kanya
Hi Leila, This is a great question. Can you tell me more about when you told him you likes him? Did he initiate the conversation? What did both of you say? How long ago did you tell him that you likes him?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, firt I want to acknowledge you for your willingness to work on yourself. That takes so much courage and resilience. I know it can be difficult but I think you will be happy that you are taking this time for you!
You ask a great question that I think many women struggle with. Not only are you not wrong for wanting to wait to have sex with someone until you know them, to me this is the best approach when wanting to actually build a relationship! When we sleep with someone too soon we often skip over an important piece of the relationship-building emotional connection. Sexual intimacy is different than emotional intimacy. Men need to feel emotional intimacy to want to connote to a relationship and they can have sex with us without really feeling the same emotional connection we feel. The reason is our brains function differently. Women have a much harder time separating the two than men do. When we wait we actually take the time to get to know someone. WE need to know someone to know if we actually want to get close to them by becoming intimate. Physical attraction isn’t enough reason to sleep with someone. Emotional attraction is equally important and more powerful in solidifying a relationship. So no, you aren’t asking for too much. The guy who was only willing to wait 2 weeks to get to know you would have been gone soon after having sex with you. He clearly wasn’t in it for the right reasons and you were wise to trust your gut on that one! I think that if more people waiting to have sex until they actually know someone then relationships would build more naturally and successfully.
I hope this helps! Please keep us posted! I’m excited for were you re at in your journey!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I’m glad you are writing in for some ideas! I’m sorry that this is happening around the holiday though I’m also not surprised. Holidays can trigger a lot of stuff for people. We often feel the gaps in relationships more acutely around holidays and often push to reach some conclusions. It sounds like perhaps this was happening for you.
So, it sounds like he has grown more distant and less communicative over the past few months. What kind of pressure is he feeling from his new job? He said that he slept for most of Christmas even though his family was around. It seems like he might be feeling down or overwhelmed by something. Can you give me some more detail about the current stresses in his life? What has he talked about or made reference to? I’m asking because it will help me know how you can respond to him at time point in a way that makes him feel you understand his behavior a bit more. I’m looking forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Purina, Hmmmm this is a situation many of us find ourselves in; on the one hand there is a guy we feel a spark with who doesn’t seem very interested in us and on the other hand there is a guy who feels the spark but we aren’t interested in. I often think that people feel more of a spark when someone is a bit hard to get. It is certainly more exciting in that situation! Nothing is being handed to us and we aren’t quite shire how things are going to turn out! I think it is a great idea to spend more time with the new man. Let yourself get to know him and more importantly, open up and let him get to know you! Many women don’t feel a connection with someone until they get to know them and that takes time! When you feel ‘annoyed’ that he is trying to get to know you ask yourself why you find that annoying. What would you rather he be doing to show that he is interested in you? Finally, is there a part of you that is still feeling local to the first guy and feels that the second guy is trespassing? If so you need to work with that. The first guy hasn’t taken the steps to win you over and claim you so don’t give yourself to him and don’t clock yourself from other men who are actually interested in you.
I suggest you go to pub night and spent time getting to know the other people a bit. DOn’t make yourself overlay available to talk to that one person. Let him see that you aren’t waiting around for him. Be lighthearted, laugh, and he may be more intrigued that if you just focus on him. I know that might seem weird and you might worry that he won’t think you are interested in him anymore. The thing is, this often gets a man’s attention more than if we are attentive. While we are afraid of hurting their feelings, they are more interested in us when we are less interested in them. SO, go and be your magnificent self and open up to the other members of the group.
I like that you have more than one man to focus your energy on right now. That must feel really good! Please keep moving forward and let us know how things go!
Kanya
