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Hi Giselle, Wow, I really hear the strength in your words. I too would like you to move on if you find that he is playing games with you. it is interesting that he keeps initiating relationships with women who live several hours a way. Doing so really prevents him from building an emotionally intimate relationship over time.
Can we help you figure out how to talk to him? Maybe think through how you want to set boundaries during the trip rather than planning a sit down with him. Experiencing the boundaries in the moment will be more powerful to him than a conversation. While you don’t want to have sex with him I could see that perhaps your feelings would get hurt if he doesn’t at least try to initiate something romantic. Stay strong and remember that you are an amazing woman. You are ready for something real and if he is not then him taking a step back makes it easier of you to move on! I know it is difficult but you can do this!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I’m sorry you are not feeling well again. I agree that your main focus right now is getting better. What do you think about stepping back from him for now, even not thinking about him, while you heal? Do you think it would be less stressful for you? I wonder if just focusing on you for a month or so will help you gain clarity on this, and perhaps other situations in your life. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Tracey, I’m sorry that this is happening. I can imagine that this is really difficult and confusing! I do agree with what Heidi shared in terms of slowing things down – WAY DOWN. You indeed are responsible for keeping your heart safe. While he isn’t ready for more he is treating you like his best friend and you are falling in love with him. Time for a time out. Get enough distance to where you really are just looking to be his friend, nothing more.
You shared above: “every fiber of my being wants to stay and continue to grow this with him” the challenge is, he is not in a place where he is able/willing to grow a relationship with you. He is still in the phase after a divorce and before a new relationship. Statistically speaking, men wait around 2 years from the time they initiate a divorce until they ar ready for the next significant relationship. Many men try to rush that but then they end up with intense relationships that don’t last because they don’t have the resources to bring to a new relationship yet.
Treat him as you would your other friends, nothing more, until he has earned a place into your life. Right now he wants a lot of benefits of dating without putting in the effort to be your boyfriend. Even if you are not ready to date, spending less time with this man seems like the way to go. I know your heart is telling you to jump in head first but our heart doesn’t always make smart decisions. You need to combine your heart with your head in all things to get the most beneficial outcomes. What do you think about slowing things down and taking a break for a bit?
Kanya
Hi Giselle, I am sorry that this is evolving int his way. I can understand your confusion. I to am confused about why he is coming on the trip. How are you feeling about that? I know that you are confused about why he hasn’t cancelled but I am wondering why you feel the need to move forward with this? It sounds as though you have been dating this person and then out of the blue he let you know that you were dating someone else. Did you talk about being exclusive? Is the women he is dating local to where he is?
I can understand why you are concerned that talking about things might make things weird but it sounds if things may already be feeling weird. If he is saying he is in a relationship with someone else then you need to be careful about how you proceed. If you continue to act as you did when you were dating you could be setting yourself up for some major heartbreak. If you do let him go on the trip (yes, you can say no to him) them consider letting him know that just being friends doesn’t include sex. It just doesn’t make sense that the two of you would be sleeping together if he is in a relationship. Doing so will continue to build your attachment to him and in the end it will feel terrible if he chooses the other person.
I know this is a lot to take in. Think it over and let us know how we can help!
Kanya
Hi Tracey, So, you dating for 6 weeks and now you are focusing on being friends. I’m glad that you trusted yourself and said no to the friends with benefits option. How long have you been in the friend zone? Does he ever talk about shifting back to a relationship? When you kiss, is it in a romantic way or a quick peck? Would you be willing to share some additional information so that I can better support you?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, Wow, you are clearly experiencing a lot of emotions in relation to that person. That can be thrilling and addictive even though it is also painful and frustrating. If you are clear that you are done you kind of have to set things up in such a way that helps you let go. Most importantly, stop communicating with him. Block him, don’t follow him on social media, really let go completely of any connection with him and his life.
Then, make a list of all the things that you didn’t like about him. List things that he did that were hurtful or upsetting. Keep this list handy and look at it whenever you start to have doubts. Te brain will naturally focus on his positives after a break up as a coping mechanism. You need to be prepared to remind yourself of all the things that you did not like or appreciate.
When you think about him being with someone else, let yourself imagine how hurt, upset, and confused she is going to be when he pushes her away, disappears, ignores her needs, pretends that she doesn’t exist, chooses time with friends over time with her. Remind yourself how lucky you are that you are not the person feeling that pain anymore. Know that doubt is normal but that it is not a reason to hold on to someone or go back to someone who doesn’t give you what you want and need, who doesn’t take care for you and cherish you. Finally, enlist your friends in helping you move on. Ask them to remind you of his negative traits when you start to wobble. Ask them to take your phone when you are out and thinking of texting him.
It will take time but if you stick with this, in a month you will notice a huge difference. You can do this!
Kanya
Good job putting electronics away for the night-I know that issn’t an easy thing to do! Looking forward to hearing more so that we can better support and guide you!
Kanya
Hi Cristina, I acknowledge you for moving on. That seems like what your heart was telling you to do! In terms of this new guy, how long have you been communicating with him? I can hear in your words that you might be developing feelings for him so here is my caution. First, you haven’t met him yet and it is important to do that with anyone before you start to really like them. Second you shared that you don’t want to be with someone who has children. So I think you need to consider whether or not you are open to that at this point. You are right in that by the time we are 32 many of us have started a family so saying no to anyone that has children will significantly shrink the dating pool. Having a young child with special needs will require even more time and energy so I think you are right in deciding if this is something you should pursue.
In addition to him are you communicating with anyone else on line?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, This is a great list! I really acknowledge you for working on it and thinking about it. Have you taken the time to identify the top 5 and then the top 3? This is important as you need to honestly assess if your ex has these most important qualities. You also want to make sure that you have those qualities in terms of your relationship with yourself. So is funny is one of the top 3, are you funny? Do you bring a light heartedness to your life and interactions? See what I mean?
If you honestly belief that he is the right fit for you, perhaps you need to communicate your regret with him. You put it pretty clearly a few posts ago: “I still love you with all my heart and I know you still care for me. Can we just take our time and try to rebuild” I would also add something like “I realize now I wasn’t as appreciative when we were together of how great you are and I regret that.” One caveat is that you will need to work on the things that he said were not working for him. Yes, as a single parent your life is incredibly full but learning how to destress is going to be vital to showing him that you are working on it. Can your kids go to their friends houses once in a while so that you get some down time? If you can’t get out to the gym there are a lot of online meditation, yoga, and Thai Chi classes that you could try-all of which would help you destress!
Let time work to your advantage here. Even if he has not committed to working things out there is a lot of repair that you can do as friends; you can show him that you are open to changing and growing, you can be there for him so that you begin to feel indispensable, you and he can become each other’s safe space again.
Looking forward to hearing your top 3!
Kanya
Hi Crystal, You bring up a good point. All of us have things that we feel are private and need to determine when and how to share with people we are dating. I would say that it is important to first establish a connection with someone. Spending time together allows us to get to know each other as they are without yet adding the challenges of life to the relationship. When you get to the point of being exclusive you will probably naturally be sharing more personal information with each other. This seems to be the right time to begin to broach the subject. Usually it makes sense to share a little at a time and talk about any concerns either of you two have about how this could affect your relationship. In this way you can begin to identify ways you would like to manage any additional stress. Let each other know what you find comforting, what you both need when you are stresses out, and what your support system looks like. You may also want to work with a mental health profession to help you navigate this new and exciting change in your life.
Over time you will be getting to know each other on a deeper level and more of your past history and hopes for the future will be shared. When you find that person who is the right fit remember you will both figure out how to integrate all of this. I always suggest getting to know each other a little at a time and not jumping in to something quickly. Since you are just starting to date again I think that would be a good suggestion as well. Dating can bring up a lot that can feel overwhelming at times. In my experience going slowly makes it much easier to manage anything that can and will get triggered!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, WOW! What great feedback you have gotten from him regarding the changes. I know it wasn’t easy so I really acknowledge you! It sounds as though you really had a great time when you saw each other. It is an amazing sign that he opened up to you again. Well done!
I suggest that you keep moving forward with this new way of being. He obviously is intrigues and it seems to be working!
Kanya
Hi Pam, Wow, you really have ben through a lot in the past few years. I can only imagine how conflicted you must be. I am so glad to hear that you are in therapy. I think that it is really important to get some support right now. While it sounds as if your family and friends are supportive it will be difficult for them to like your husband or respect him at this point.
While you shared a lot, something you shared at the end of your post really stood out for me “and through therapy, I now feel confident in my choices and decision.” It soon as though you are not really to let go and move on. Realistically I’m not sure how you could be ready. He just moved out recently and it sounds as though it was a very emotional experience. You don;t need to make any decisions at this point. What if you took the next 6 months to just focus on you? Improve your relationship with yourself, feel positive and confident again, learn to understand all of this on a deeper level. I almost feel that you need to do that BEFORE you can make a final decision.
What type of relationship do you want to have with him at this point? I encourage you to make the decision based on what is best for you not what you feel would work best for him. At a minimum now is the time to really learn to trust yourself and what you need. I believe time is on your side in all of this. He id clearly confused and who knows what he will want a month from now. I suggest you take a break and focus on you for the next month and then see what feels eight to you!
Kanya
Hi Crystal, It sounds like you have A LOT going on! It sounds as if you’ve been sober for about 2 weeks. It is going to take several months of being in recovery for things to start to feel good again. when you go into recovery they tell you to spend at least the first year relationship on yourself and not getting into a focusing. This is because the first year of sobriety takes so much focus and attention.
In addition, it sounds like you re getting used to having a relationship again after not having one for many years. Given all of this, maybe being friends for the time being is the best way to go. One reason is because relationships can and will trigger big emotions and it seems like you are still getting a strong foundation in your life. Big emotions are probably going to overwhelm you right now. It is okay to be friends and build something over time.
You can say that you ar sorry for texting him at work and spilling your emotions a bit but if you are friends and show him, over time, that you have found other ways to manage your emotions he will believe your actions far more than your words. I agree that you need more support in your life. Maybe it is time to reconnect with your friends that you have become distant with. It sounds like you need a bigger community which definitely will include your friends. DO they know what is going on for you? Can they be of support and also take you places when needed? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
