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Hi Karisa, it sounds like you do understand him and his inability to really connect at a deep level. You wrote something above that seems important to revisit “if I want to try and be the one who finally understands him” while I think you do understand him, it is import to realize that understanding won’t change who he is. It may make it easier for you when he disappears and you may not feel as bad about yourself when you are feeling the disconnect. The thing is, you seem able too have a far better, closer relationship than he can give you so I wonder why you are settling? I can understand why it would feel really satisfying to be with a man like this and see him open up in some ways. The thing is, until he is really ready to open up and let someone in nothing is going to change. When he starts to feel close, he will withdraw. It is wonderful that he opened up to you briefly but note that it was soon followed by an argument that created even more distance. What precipitated that argument and why do you think things escalated so quickly?
You shared that this is the first time you were with someone who was not emotionally available. I wonder what is the appeal for you in that? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Letty, I’m so sorry that he has shut down. I totally understand how frustrating this can be! I think that not telling him hurt him on a lot of levels and that even he isn’t sure how to process it. He probably feels emasculated and disrespected. That is something that will need to change. He needs to see from your behavior and words that you understand his hurt and he needs to know that you won’t take away his power again, that he won’r feel humiliated in front of your family and in front of another male.
You mentioned that you apologized and tried to explain things to him. Have you really apologized without rationalizing your decision? Sending a message like (in your own words) “I am so sorry for what I did. I realize how that you must have felt so disrespected by my actions and embarrassed in front of my family. I didn’t think things through and I apologize. You are my everything and I hope that you can accept my apology and find a way to trust me again. I know you need tome but I am here for you whenever you are ready.”
Then, just send him an occasional message telling him about your day and about the kids. Let him know you miss him without faulting him for his stonewalling. I know it is frustrating but if you can stay calm and help him process this on his own time then he has a chance of developing new coping skills for the future. In 2-3 weeks I would send him a message igniting his hero instinct so that he can start to feel important and necessary to you again. I know it is hard but you can do this. Remember, time is on your side!
Kanya
Hi Virginia, Ugh, I can understand why this is frustrating. In some ways it seems like the two of you tend to tale one step backwards then 2 steps forward over and over again. I wonder if part of the reason the two of you have been arguing is because you are unclear about they type of relationship this is. t sounds like to you this is a relationship without a label but I wonder if that is the same feeling that he has about things? Is he still in the friends with benefits zone? If so, there may be this underlying power struggle taking place.
DO you want a friends with benefits situation? If not then maybe slow things down a bit, build a positive friendship, and see if you can get things back on track in a real way. For now, think about what he rad in those text messages that were meant for your friend and offer an apology. I know that this isn’t always easy to do but it is vitally important to getting the lines of communication open. Think about what he said was hurtful and start there. For instance, if you called him a jerk (just an example) you can say something like “I’m sorry I called you a jerk. I was blowing off steam and probably went to far. You have been amazing to me and literally the opposite of a jerk. I’m sorry that I hurt you.” Then, wait for him response. Even if it takes time, wait. Even if his response is argumentative, do not argue back. Be the calm person in this storm. If you give him a chance to calm down, and stay calm yourself as he does it, that will really change the pattern of communication in this relationship. Once he is calm, you can have a reasonable conversation about next steps. What do you think about this strategy? What are the ways that it might be difficult for you?
Kanya
Hi Cristina, I can understand why this is frustrating! There is clearly a lack of boundaries with his ex but that is something ex’s who coparent need to work through. It remains to be seen if this is his ex manipulating him or if he is reconnecting with her. I will say that you need to be careful about what you say about her at this point. He has a long history with her and still has feelings of caring for her. Be cautious about coming between the two of them as she is the one with the history and she is the mother of his children. Be respectful of her even when you are empathetic about the difficulties at this time.
The first thing to do when a guy pulls away is to not panic! The honeymoon phase is short lived. It isn’t realistic for people to respond to texts in minutes when we are with kids or working. The honeymoon phase lasts for 6-18 months then things change. Even during the honeymoon phase there will be ebbs and flows, that is just part of being human. Rather than asking him if something is wrong, I would ignite his hero instinct. Think of something you need help with then send him a text saying “I need your help.” When he responds as for the advice or for him to come to the house to help you with something. Then, show him that he is your hero by letting him know how special and amazing he is! I would try that today and see what the response is. Avoid over texting at this point and be really busy in your life! Let’s take this one day at a time and see if we can make some positive progress.
Kanya
Hi Maria, I’m sorry that the two of you are still experiencing discord. It sounds like there has been a lot of ups and downs.
I do have a few questions that I would like to ask. Knowing more about this would allow me to know how to better support you.
Just out of curiosity, what ultimately ended your relationship and did you both agree that it was the best option at the time? When was the last time he talked about getting back together? Do you think that is something he would be open to doing if it was possible to see a different relationship for the two of you? The biggest question I have is; have the things that didn’t work for the two of you changed or been resolved? If not, it will be difficult to get him interested again. Finally, what happened that made him initiate a no contact situation.I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Andrea. WOW! This is such a huge awareness! Again, I really acknowledge you for all the ways that you are leaning and growing. You are an amazing warrior woman! Indifference can be very damaging to a relationship. We’ve talked throughout this thread about the level of stress in your life. Adding what happened to your mom really gives me an idea of how difficult the past 6 months has been for you. There have been so many challenges, so many priorities competing for your attention.
For now, I would not explain all of this to him. Instead I would show him as that will be far more powerful for both of you. So, think of something you need help with and send him a “I need your help” text. When he responds, ask your question. When he helps, be very grateful and share how helpful he has been for you. Then yes, take a step back. Give yourself some time to recenter. When you see him at your kids sporting events be fun and flirty! Ask a friend to call during the game so you can go off to the side and have a conversation. Enjoy the conversation, laugh, etc and let him see that you aren’t moping anymore. If he asks who you are talking to simple say “A friend.” and smile. You are telling him the truth but also showing him that you too can move on and connect with others if you like.
Every 2 weeks try to ignite his hero instinct. learn to manage your stress and let him know by how you behave that you have learned how to take time off before running yourself into the ground. This is an important life skill for you and will have a positive impact on everyone in your life including your kids! Let me know what you think about what I’ve shared!
Kanya
Hi Rannveig, Ughhh, I can understand why this is so frustrating to you. It sounds like the two of you have an amazing connection. I understand that this is so difficult to find at such a high level. I can understand why you would feel angry when you got the message though I think it might be a good sign. Recently he told you that he had to stop communicating with you and take care of himself. Now, he is reaching out to you. Clearly he isn’t cutting you out of his life.
I agree with what James is saying. I think he is entering his Prince phase and feels he needs to go out into the world, build his kingdom for his future queen. Going to Japan is a big step and he probably wants to be able to focus on his work and building his career. In some ways it is very wise of him to understand what he needs to achieve his goals. I would encourage you to build a friendship with this man; keep in touch by sending fun, brief communications every 3-4 weeks. This will give him time to think about you and miss you. Now, it will be easy to stay connected to him which could be painful at times. So, please do what you can to take a step back and disconnect your heart a bit. I don’t think he will be ready for a relationship for some time and I would hate for you to feel like you are hanging on and waiting. I think if you take a 30 day break it might change your perspective and give you more inner strength.
For now, I would send a message with a laughing face emoji or simple lol. This will be so different and is far more likely to get his attention than explaining your feelings in more detail. I know that will b really difficult but this situation requires some new behavior. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Marti, Wow, what a turn around. Your head must be spinning at this point but I think there are some thing that you can do to get more clarity and hopefully move things forward.
So, he said he was feeling smothered. Do you understand what he means? I know it may be difficult to accept but something was happening in your behavior that contributed to his feelings. If you can take responsibility for that and show him you really understand it that would go a LONG way in reconciling. I don’t know what behavior led to this feeling but I will give you an example so you know how to talk to him. Say he felt you needed him to text too much so you knew where he was, what he was doing, etc “I’ve been thinking about what you said and I can see how you felt smothered. At the time I didn’t realize the effect it was having on you. I just want you to know that I’m sorry and i really regret doing anything to make you feel that way.” Don’t talk about the future, another chance, etc. Just let him know that you get it. Most women will argue why what their guys says isn’t true when what a man really wants is to be understood and respected. If you can start to make him feel that way he will be more open to moving forward. What do you think about this?
Kanya
Hi Marti, Wow, what a turn around. Your head must be spinning at this point but I think there are some thing that you can do to get more clarity and hopefully move things forward.
So, he said he was feeling smothered. Do you understand what he means? I know it may be difficult to accept but something was happening in your behavior that contributed to his feelings. If you can take responsibility for that and show him you really understand it that would go a LONG way in reconciling. I don’t know what behavior led to this feeling but I will give you an example so you know how to talk to him. Say he felt you needed him to text too much so you knew where he was, what he was doing, etc “I’ve been thinking about what you said and I can see how you felt smothered. At the time I didn’t realize the effect it was having on you. I just want you to know that I’m sorry and i really regret doing anything to make you feel that way.” Don’t talk about the future, another chance, etc. Just let him know that you get it. Most women will argue why what their guys says isn’t true when what a man really wants is to be understood and respected. If you can start to make him feel that way he will be more open to moving forward. What do you think about this?
Kanya
Hi Trista, I am sorry that things have not worked out as you had hoped. It sounds as if the two of you have found a way to stay connected and raise your son together. That says a lot about your commitment to your son which is noble.
I will say that 10 years seems like a long time to wait for someone. I understand that you love this man but at this point he is so very clear about what he wants that I don’t think it is something that will change. I know that is probably not what you want to hear but I need to be honest with you. You have literally done everything you could to turn things around. He is showing you who he is and what he wants. If he was wavering or sending you mixed signals I would suggest hanging in there but that doesn’t appear to be happening.
I encourage you to believe him and begin to spend all of this energy and focus on making your life amazing without him. That may or may not include a relationship with someone else. That is up to you. I will say that you sound like an amazing woman who has so much to offer that I hope one day you do consider giving someone a chance as you deserve to be loved and cherished.
Have you thought about why you have chosen to wait for this long? Sometimes we wait for someone because we aren’t comfortable with the idea of getting out there and trying for something new. That is so natural! We wonder if we will fond someone, fit in, be loved. Holding on to the old is comfortable and we know how to do it so in many ways it is easier to just keep doing what we already know. Are you open to sharing more about why you have stuck it out this long? We’d love to help you figure more of this out!
Kanya
Hi Rannveig, I can understand how difficult this is. I can remember feeling a similar way when I was younger and a relationship would end. I felt panicked and wanted to do anything I could to get that person back. In the end I think what was happening for me was that I was looking to them to manage my emotions. I had;t yet learned how to take care of myself, reassure myself, and calm myself down when I was upset. Eventually I realized that I needed to learn to do that rather than rely or depend on others to do it for me. That was a very empowering decision because i stopped being controlled by others.
Here are some suggestions for you. I would get the book “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody. She does a great god of breaking down healthy love versus codependent love and ways to strengthen ourselves as individuals. I think it would be a great choice for you at this time.
I realize now is not the best time to decide what is next for you. Maybe just focus on breathing in and out, taking care of the horses, spending time with friends, slowing down. I suggest you create a daily schedule; time you get up, taking a walk, having coffee, running errands, caring for the horse, etc. This will make it easier to get through the difficult days. You may already be doing it but I think it is a good time to consider working with a counselor. It would give you the opportunity to talk about your feelings and they could also help you think about the future and begin to make some plans for you!
Kanya
Hi, While I don’t know for sure what is going on for him, it sounds like he may be feeling insecure about the relationship, about your connection. What has been going on for the two of you lately? Between you and I, are you pulling away in some way. Is there a part of you that wanted some space?
I’d like to ask a few questions if that is okay; In the past would you have told him ahead of time about the trip upstate? Would you have texted him when you got home? What was happening that you felt the need to step back so that he could have some space? If he is feeling insecure about your connection, what else is happening that could make him feel that way. Finally, when he needs reassurance what do you usually do to reassure him?
I’m looking forward to you sharing additional information so that we can help you figure things out!
Kanya
Hi Mara, Thanks for sharing some additional information! I’m glad that he invited you in when he was feeling down. I agree that this was a big move for him. I wonder how it was for you. Was he available while you were there? Did your interaction feel connected? It sounds as though the two of you have been in a kind of holding pattern for some time. I’m glad to hear that he is in therapy 2 times per week. I think that this is vital to him being able to help and move forward.
What I wonder about is whether this is whether he is hesitating about moving forward or really not able to move forward. This is important to consider. It sounds as though he likes having you as a friend and confident. He likes affection but isn’t ready for a sexually intimate relationship. 18 months is a long time to put that on hold. A physically intimate relationship is vital to building emotional connection and depth in a relationship. Many people feel guild after a divorce. I would expect that to be worked out by now. It seems like his comfort zone is set and not necessarily growing. We all need to grow and evolve over the course of our lives.
Have the two of you talked about going to therapy together? I wonder if working with a third party could help the two of you work through some of this. It might be good to have someone help you two set some basic goals and steps forward that you can begin to implement. I think it is easy to get lost in day to day without seeing a larger perspective. It seems that you both need to know where this is going and what steps are needed for that to happen.
I know this is a lot to consider. Please share your thoughts and any additional questions!
Kanya
Hi Mara, Thanks for sharing some additional information! I’m glad that he invited you in when he was feeling down. I agree that this was a big move for him. I wonder how it was for you. Was he available while you were there? Did your interaction feel connected? It sounds as though the two of you have been in a kind of holding pattern for some time. I’m glad to hear that he is in therapy 2 times per week. I think that this is vital to him being able to help and move forward.
What I wonder about is whether this is whether he is hesitating about moving forward or really not able to move forward. This is important to consider. It sounds as though he likes having you as a friend and confident. He likes affection but isn’t ready for a sexually intimate relationship. 18 months is a long time to put that on hold. A physically intimate relationship is vital to building emotional connection and depth in a relationship. Many people feel guild after a divorce. I would expect that to be worked out by now. It seems like his comfort zone is set and not necessarily growing. We all need to grow and evolve over the course of our lives.
Have the two of you talked about going to therapy together? I wonder if working with a third party could help the two of you work through some of this. It might be good to have someone help you two set some basic goals and steps forward that you can begin to implement. I think it is easy to get lost in day to day without seeing a larger perspective. It seems that you both need to know where this is going and what steps are needed for that to happen.
I know this is a lot to consider. Please share your thoughts and any additional questions!
Kanya
Hi Andrea, I am so proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to open up and say you need something more or something different. I’m so glad that you did so that Heidi could explain things in a way that made more sense to you. Well done!
I’m so glad that you found that quiz about attachment style. My guess is that it is from Amir Levine and his book Attached; The New Science of Adult Attachment. I’m so glad that you found it and highly recommend you read it! It was so helpful to me when I discovered it years ago and helped me move to a much more secure attachment style. It is great that you see how this affected your relationship in the past. It doesn’t need to affect you in the future if you are willing to help this once and for all. YEs, it will take time but you can do it!
I went back to look at when you first wrote in-January 4. That was just 12 days ago and you have learned so much about yourself in that time! However, 12 days is not a long enough time to get this relationship back on track. Do take a step back and don’t let it be your single focus. Read the Relationship Rewrite and implement a step every 2 weeks so that things can develop slowly. The most important things you can do is show him by your actions that things have changed. This takes time. As James shares in The Relationship Rewrite, time in on your side!
Kanya
