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Hi Crystal, It sounds as though he is starting to reengage which is great. I think you are doing an amazing job in taking a step back but continuing to be friendly and open. For now I would wait for him to initiate. Since he is just stepping forward it is important for him to be the one managing the pace. Also, if you continue to be just a touch distance you will be more irresistible to him. I know that sounds weird but guys seem to like women more when they aren’t super interested.
I’m also wondering if this is just a natural part of a new relationship. Often at 4-6 months a man will naturally pull back and assess his next steps. As difficult as that is to weather, staying calm and trusting in him and the relationship is important right now. Let him come to you. In the mean time, keep yourself busy and be extra kind and gently with yourself. There is a dance that occurs as different times in a relationship, usually when a couple is ready to go to the next level. While it can be difficult at times, over time you get to the point where these times no longer feel difficult. Just take it a day at a time and have faith. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Jill, Hmmmmmm, there are some red flags here for me. You’ve probably considered then but let’s talk about them just in case. It sounds like he was hot and heavy for 3 weeks-via TEXT. I know that this can feel very real but the reality is that it isn’t a real connection. You are connecting with the person based on a lot of imagination versus substance. For many people it is way to get a small dose of connection without having to put any real time or energy into something.
I also have a concern about his relationship status. Is he still married, in another relationship? It is easy to hide those details when you are just texting. People can make themselves seem available when actually their partner just went to get some ice cream from the freezer when they text you. The final red flag is that he came on heavy and now has disappeared. Do not buy into this person until you actually spend face to face time together. If/when he reaches out again, do not go back to things as they were. Instead, be light and not as available. Let him know that you’re just busy with life but that you’re open to meeting for a drink or coffee.
I don’t like when a guy pulls a women in, making subtle promises for more without actually delivering anything! While he may be real in his intention it is not possible to really get to know him without spending in person time together, dating, exploring life, and really getting to know each other. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Jill, Hmmmmmm, there are some red flags here for me. You’ve probably considered then but let’s talk about them just in case. It sounds like he was hot and heavy for 3 weeks-via TEXT. I know that this can feel very real but the reality is that it isn’t a real connection. You are connecting with the person based on a lot of imagination versus substance. For many people it is way to get a small dose of connection without having to put any real time or energy into something.
I also have a concern about his relationship status. Is he still married, in another relationship? It is easy to hide those details when you are just texting. People can make themselves seem available when actually their partner just went to get some ice cream from the freezer when they text you. The final red flag is that he came on heavy and now has disappeared. Do not buy into this person until you actually spend face to face time together. If/when he reaches out again, do not go back to things as they were. Instead, be light and not as available. Let him know that you’re just busy with life but that you’re open to meeting for a drink or coffee.
I don’t like when a guy pulls a women in, making subtle promises for more without actually delivering anything! While he may be real in his intention it is not possible to really get to know him without spending in person time together, dating, exploring life, and really getting to know each other. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Crystal, good work! I think that was a perfect response to him. Maybe reach out to him today with a light, friendly, short text. I think that as you take your space two things will happen. First, you will feel less pressure and in turn so will he. Second, he will find you more irresistible when you are happy and busy in your life.
It sounds as though he is working his way back and when he does, continue with some of your current behavior to keep him more interested. By that I mean don’t be as available (what you did this weekend was perfect!) When he asked to see you, be busy sometimes. Don’t respond too quickly to his texts, etc. The best way to see busy is to be busy in your life! Maybe take on a new project at work of at home so that you aren’t as focused on the relationship.
I also want to check in and get a sense of what you think about what Heidi shared about his level of emotional expression. Does it seem like you would be satisfied with his current level? Really look at the pros and cons of this and see if it is a good fit for you long term. At the three month mark it is common for both parties to begin to see each other more clearly and question if they want to keep moving forward. You get to consider things as well to determine if this is truly a good fit for you. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts about this.
Kanya
Hi April, it looks like this is a duplicate. I did answer your question under the heading of “Dating for one more, already frustrate…”
Kanya
Hi April, I am sorry that he is pulling away and while your last text may not have been received well, I don’t think it is the thing that will end this.
First, and I really want to stress the, you have only been dating for 1 month. That is not a long period of time. You are still getting to know each other and deciding if you want to keep moving forward towards a relationship. If he has decided to end things now I would be cautious about pushing for more. He really needs to be the one choosing in and if he isn’t sure let’s help him become more interested without pushing.
I would send him a text igniting his hero instinct. Think of something that you would like his help with. It could be literal physical help with something or it might be his opinion of something. Think about what it is then send him a text. Start with, “I need your help.” Then when he responds, ask your question. When he answers, let him know how thankful you are and how helpful he has been. Then, take a step back and let him think about how awesome you are. When he does reconnect (and I think he will) show him the side of you that he has been wanting to see. Open up a bit more and be more yourself with him.
If for some reason he has moved on, or the two of you reconnect and realize there isn’t a big enough connection to continue then you can apply what you are learning to dating other men. Remember that this isn’t enough time to know if he is the person for you so give yourself a break and take some of the pressure off yourself. It sounds as though you need to rebalance a bit and remember that you are the prize here and if he doesn’t step up then he isn’t the guy for you.
I know this might not be what you wanted to hear but I want to be honest with you about this. Send him the email igniting his hero instinct and see how things play out.
Kanya
Hi Letty, Thanks for checking in! I’m so glad the site has been helpful for you! Don’t forget that you are the one taking the information and really putting it into practice. You have a lot to feel good about.
I love that you are going to take things one day at a time! That is always a powerful decision. Please do keep checking in as we are happy to support you in any way we can! Keep up the great work.
Kanya
Hi Debra, wow, it sounds frustrating. On one hand he can be very loving and supportive yet on the other hand he can be dismissive and distant. That is a wide range of experienced in just 3 months time. I do think that if you step back he will begin to pursue you again and will want to move quickly again-too quickly. Then, he will pull away when he feels overwhelmed or fearful of his feelings.
I think the best way to get his back is to pull back. When he says that another man would be better for you respond with something like “You are so silly at times! I really like what we have and I really like you.I’m sorry that this is hard for you to really trust but rather than ending things lets just take some time to think about things and maybe talk next week.”
Don’t rush in to try to convince him of anything. He needs to be convinced himself or else you will always be the person trying to convince him. Also, slow things down. When he does want to reconnect don’t spend all your time together. Hold on to outside friendships and interests and slowly share them with each other. When a relationship is new and we are filled with so many amazing feelings we can easily become overwhelmed. If a couple doesn’t take a step back and allow time for processing natural fears and concerns and our nervous system can respond in a fight or flight manner. You’ve seen both of these responses in him. When he is like that he is overwhelmed and needs some space. If you can really be okay with that it will give him the opportunity to come in when it is safe and back off when he doesn’t feel safe. Consistency and love will be important now.
I’d also encourage you not to communicate about big things via text. it is too easy to misunderstand each other and/or say too much. Instead have these conversations in person while out taking a walk or doing something fun. Little bursts of conversation will be far better than long conversations. Never tell him “we have to talk” because is inner alarms will sound and he will go into fight or flight. Instead, share compliments and give him lots of positive reinforcement when he does connect.
Remember, it has only been 3 months and the two of you are still getting to know each other. Take a step back and see if he can get back on track. When he does reach out to you, delay responding. Let him see that you are busy in your life rather than waiting around for him. Take a deep breath. You can do this! Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Joanna, Yes this is a frustrating situation. Many couples struggle when one feels like it is time to move to the next level and the other partner is hesitant or scared to make the next step. First, can you tell me what it would mean to you to live together or be married? What would it represent that was different then the connection the two of you have. What is the emotional experience you are hoping that living together will bring you? The reason I ask is that I am wondering if it is possible to feel this way even if you aren’t living together. Sometimes we push for a particular action because of what it represents. If you are at a stalemate, consider what this would mean and consider other ways to get that experience.
Next, have the two of you been able to identify signs that you, and the relationship, are ready for a bigger commitment? When you argue, do you know how to restive your disagreements amicable? Is there a subject or situation that you consistently disagree on that could get in the way in the future? What are his complaints of concerns? These will probably need to be addressed and resolved in order for him to move forward. He wants to avoid failure which tells me he may not be confident in his ability or your combined ability to manage difficulty, disagreement, and upset. In the past how have you resolved conflict? What are the ways that this could improve so that he would feel more confident?
Now he rents and it sounds like you own a home. Have you proposed he move in on a trial basis. Maybe give this 6 months to work out the kinks and see how it feels. Can he sublet his apartment during this period so that if things don’t work out he can move back to the apartment at the end of the trial? Saying he will be left homeless seems a bit extreme. When a couple splits they continue to live together until one partner moves out into another home.
Even if he isn’t ready to live together what stops you from staying in the relationship as it is? It sounds like the two of you are already committed even if you aren’t living together. You have a close relationship and connect in ways most couples would envy. Is it possible you could trust the connection you have without living together for now? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Brenda, First I really want to acknowledge you for all the hard work you have done as well as the amazing insight you have developed. You have been on an amazing journey these past few months and have really used this time to learn more about yourself, love, and life! I love what you shared in an earlier post; if you love life you ARE irresistible!
Wow, what a big change to move back in with your spouse. Your home does sound amazing and i hope that you feel happy and fulfilled there. Please do keep attending your Wednesday night al-anon meetings as they will be a source of important support for you in the coming months. I would also suggest that you find an in person group that you can attend. I think it is important to wider your support circle so that you have people to go to in addition to CB.
As you move back in be sure to determine your needs and boundaries and be open with your husband about them. This is an important step as the two of you rebuild in a whole new way! There is so much potential here. I wish you the best and hope that you will keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Letty, wow, what a journey you have been on in the past few months! I really give you credit for holding in a difficult situation the way you did. it is clear that when he is upset or feels disrespected that he will shut down and remove himself from the relationship while he is processing. I’m sorry that he needed this much time and space and I hope that he will not feel the need to do this in the future. Please remember his style and if this happens again in the future, even for a few days, then trust that he will work it through, get to a place of peace, and come back when he is ready.
In terms of moving forward, he shared in an earlier text what was important to him:
Respect
Companionship
Trust
LoveEven if your definition of these qualities is a little different than his, if you move forward keeping these qualities in mind and making them your priority I think that things will be smother in the future. I wonder if you are still feeling a nit shell shocked by his absence? If so, I think that is normal. You may need some time to adjust and trust him again. While he may not quite understand that if that is true for you then I encourage you to move forward gently and slowly.
I hope this answers your questions. Please let us know how we can support you in the future! Again, you have a lot to feel good about having come out the other end of this still committed and ready to make the relationship great again!
Kanya
Hi Stacey, I’m sorry that things have evolved intros way. it does sound like he is contending with a lot of stress right now with work and his last relationship still being something that he needs to navigate. To me the thing you need to pay the most attention to is the fact that he told you from the start was that his purpose in connecting with you was a sexual one. He didn’t court you or pursue you for more than that. It sounds like you may have had a good friendship connection and enjoyed spending time together as well. I’m wondering if this is where you started to think that more was developing between the two of you?
When someone enters a situation based on a sexual connection they tend to disappear when any difficult arises. Why? Because they aren’t invested emotionally. Emotional investment is needed to be motivated to work things through. Even small things feel overwhelming when we aren’t emotionally invested. I can understand why you would be hoping for more. It sounds as though he was very attentive and said things that made you feel desired and valued. Unfortunately that was only something he was willing to do when he was pursuing you sexually. It in no ways means that you aren’t worthy of far more-you are! It just means that he is not the person who can give that to you.
I will warn you that he may come back and try to be a friends with benefit situation. I would encourage you not to participate in this type pf relationship with him for several reasons. He is your neighbor so you are going to be seeing him on perhaps a daily basis. Over time you will start to develop deeper feelings and he won’t reciprocate. That is going to be painful for you. Over time this could affect your confidence and make you wonder why he isn’t wanting more with you. That is not something I wish for you or anyone. I think that it is a bad idea to let this person into your heart in this way as he has done nothing to warrant being let in.
Part of what we need to do in life is to make good decisions about who to let in to our lives, and more importantly our heart! I know this is a lot to take in and perhaps not what you were hoping for but I think it is important to be honest with you and advocate for you and your feelings. Please take this in, think about it a bit, and let me know what you think and how we can continue to support you!
Kanya
Hi Jenn, I think you are doing the right things with the 30 day no contact approach. I can understand why you would have expected him to reach out to you at this stage but he might need a bit more time. I like to call this time “pause for the cause.” It’s when you take some time apart to sort out your feelings. Men take much longer to notice these things than women Heck, women notice even subtle shifts in energy but men are more concrete and sometimes need stronger signals. For now keep doing what you are doing. And, make sure to use this time for yourself! Focus on self care and nurturing you. Spend time with family and friends who remind you of how amazing you are!
My sense is that the two of you will reconnect but when you do don’t be fooled by promises and some days. If you really want a commitment then I would let him know that this is what you need to continue. He may not be able to give that to you but he may given the right circumstances. We can’t know that for sure until you are actually there having the conversation with him. Stay true to yourself and trust what your gut is telling you. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Jenn, I think you are doing the right things with the 30 day no contact approach. I can understand why you would have expected him to reach out to you at this stage but he might need a bit more time. I like to call this time “pause for the cause.” It’s when you take some time apart to sort out your feelings. Men take much longer to notice these things than women Heck, women notice even subtle shifts in energy but men are more concrete and sometimes need stronger signals. For now keep doing what you are doing. And, make sure to use this time for yourself! Focus on self care and nurturing you. Spend time with family and friends who remind you of how amazing you are!
My sense is that the two of you will reconnect but when you do don’t be fooled by promises and some days. If you really want a commitment then I would let him know that this is what you need to continue. He may not be able to give that to you but he may given the right circumstances. We can’t know that for sure until you are actually there having the conversation with him. Stay true to yourself and trust what your gut is telling you. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Kerry, I’m sorry things have shifted in this way. I can understand why you would feel angry at times, especially if you think he is throwing something away. Maybe shifting your perception about his behavior would help. It sounds like the two of you moved super fast. While we all want to do this when we meet someone we are crazy about, we often miss a lot of important steps along the way. If he wants to go back to the beginning, ask him to clarify what that means to him. What does in mean in terms of behavior and what is the emotional experience that he is looking for. Was their a closeness early on that has shifted and if so what can the two of you do to get it back? These are questions you need to ask in person so that the two of you can be together as you work that out. Did you ever talk to him after you left the note in his mailbox? I wonder if he is assuming you don’t want this anymore.
If he isn’t ready to have the conversation then I would change your behavior for now. Don’t always respond to his text messages. Don’t make him such a high priority in your life at this time. Maybe wit 2 weeks before initiating time together so that he has time to miss you. I know this is difficult but I think he will change his direction if you start to pull away. There are several reports that James wrote that are available on this site. I would start to read through them and rebuild your confidence. If the two of you had a connection in the beginning, you can rebuild that. Remember though, men love the chase. If they get something too easily they don’t value it. Take a step back and get to the point where he needs to put in the effort to really win you over again. Does this make sense?
Kanya
