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Hi Joseline, Have you considered taking a break from communicating with him? There reason I ask is because he is taking you on an emotional roller coaster and it just doesn’t seem fair. What if you took2-3 weeks of no contact to get a break and perhaps get some different perspective. Have you considered this?
Kanya
Hi Natalia, I’m sorry that things have ended this way. I can understand how difficult it is to let go and move on. I do agree with Heidi that this is probably the right thing for you to do at this point. One suggestion I have is to change the inner dialogue regarding this person. When you start to think of how amazing he is, imagine all the things that you didn’t like as well as the reality that this would have been an imperfect connection as all relationships are. Let yourself experience balance in your thinking so that it is easier to move forward.
When I was having a difficult time getting over a relationship I found it helpful to keep reminding myself that this one only one of many options for a happy relationship. Rather than spending time lamenting on what could have been I focused instead of feeling more confident and connecting with men who were ready for an actual relationship. I know that is not very interesting to you right now but I think it is your best path to finding someone you feel a real connection with.
Take it one step at a time but keep moving forward and it will happen!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I can understand why you are upset. It sounds as though you really regret what you did and are missing him in a lot of ways. I’m guessing that you’ve already apologized but I’m wondering if there is a way to do it again in a more effective manner.
I would see if he is willing to meet for coffee. Let him know that you are sorry for what you did. Really take full responsibility and share how you think it affected him and that this is your biggest regret. Let him know what in you or your history made you check his messages so that he may further understand your motive. Let him know that you hope that one day he will be open to giving you another chance. Leave on friendly terms and give it some time for him to come around. really opening up to him and taking full responsibility will show him a lot about your character.
If he can’t forgive you and give things a different chance then I suggest that you do your best to learn from this experience. It really does open a Pandora’s box when we snoop. So much can be misunderstood and trust is easily broken, especially at the begging of a relationship. Let me know what you think of my ideas and if you have any questions about what to share with him as we are here to help.
Kanya
Hi Betsy, This is just a small snippet of your relationship so it is difficult for me to know what it actually means to him. Many people don’t celebrate Valentines Day as a rule. If this is the case then I don’t think it is a reflection of his feelings for you. Perhaps you can share more details with me so that I can get a better idea of what might be happening for you.
Kanya
Hi Janette, My sense is he doesn’t like when you are upset but he does pay attention to you when you are angry and tries to make it up to you. It is interesting that you called and text but he didn’t respond even though he had dinner prepared for the two of you.
I wonder if it is time to have a respectful and playful conversation about what you can both expect from this. Let him know what you need and inquire about his needs. Perhaps there is a way to talk things through so that you both know what the other wants and needs. You don’t need to move full on to a serious relationship but I think it is reasonable to know what to expect of one and other. What do you think of that?
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I guess my first question is; are you ready to let this go? If not, then staying in contact her end there while he works through some things is a definite possibility. I would send him a fun, playful text that helps him remember how amazing you are! Don’t mention getting together and don’t mention the relationship. Justas hello and share something fun from your life or a fun memory that the two of you share. No expectations, just think of it as planting a seed that will grow slowly with time.
Kanya
Hi Karla, Hmmmm. I suggest you take this text at face value meaning listen to what it is saying. Here are the key points;
Nothing you text could be annoying or upsetting
He feels a little guilty that he hasn’t been a better friend.I would resist the temptation to spend too much time trying to decipher any hidden meaning in the message. I know that is difficult to do but let’s face it, we can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what a guy is thinking and feeling. For now you know he cares for you and values you. This is a great place to start!
He clearly values your friendship. It seems like life has been full for both of you lately so there hasn’t been as much time to connect. Can you tell me why his friendship is so important to you? My sense is you are wanting this to turn into more than a friendship. If you would like some ideas about how to move this forward please let us know and we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Joseline, It looks like you have multiple posted on the site. WE have responded to the other thread so we’ll just keep responding to that one to avoid confusion. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Joseline, NO do not go to his house unannounced. He has told you that he is not ready to see you and it is very important that you respect his wishes. Right now he needs to know that you respect him and will do what you ask even if you don’t understand why. Remember what Heidi shared above,
This is good information! I still stand by my original advice. When someone is fearful, the best way to pull them out of the fear is to create a safe space for them.Right now, the safe space he is looking for is the space to work some things out on his own. It is clear to me that he freaked out about the being in love meme. He needs time to calm his nerves and get perspective. Unfortunately, the more you try to help him with that the more he will likely withdraw. Both of your lives are in some degree of chaos at this point and it makes sense that he needs time to recenter. Yes, he will need to do this on his own for now. The good news is he is still in love with you, isn’t seeing anyone else, and is still checking in. I know it is difficult but please be patient until he initiates seeing each other. He is initiating contact so use that time to be flirty and fun. This will go a lot further than talking to him about the relationship in any way. I would take a month off from talking about there relationship at all. Just have fun when you connect.
I know that in the past you have pulled away when this happened because it was uncomfortable. It is going to be a challenge to stay calm but it is important. It might help to know that he isn’t being insensitive or hurtful. He is hurt, overwhelmed and confused. He needs to see that you are okay giving him the space to figure that out. If you can do that then he will come back and open up again when he is ready.
So, to reiterate, don’t drop by unannounced. I think that will push him further away which is the opposite of what you want. Breath, talk to supportive friends, learn more on this site about what to do when a guy pulls away, go away for the weekend, clean out your closets, find things to keep yourself busy and happy in your life. That will make you feel better and avoid him feeling any pressure right now. I’m not suggesting that you live in this place forever, just for a little while longer to see that the two of you can work through this. I believe in you! Please keep us posted!!!
Kanya
Hi Stefanie, So it sounds as though you are good blocking him when you need to study then talking when you have some time. I think that is a really supportive thing to do for yourself and the relationship! I’m not really hearing a question indoor last post, more of an update. Let me know if you are wanting/needing some additional guidance. For now, keep doing what you are doing keeping in mind that over analyzing will weight things down at this point. Simply enjoy the connecting! Keep us posted!!!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, Uhhhhh. That is so frustrating. I do get the sense that he is taking two steps forward and one step back or even one step forward and two steps back. If it is okay I’d like to give you some gentle guidance and moving at a slower pace; for instance, you did a great job at telling him you wanted to face these challenges together. The challenge is, you didn’t give him time to sit with it. Instead, you checking in the next day to make sure he understood. I think it would have been more effective to just go about your business and let him take in the information and get back to you after he had processed it. Another example of that is after you have that great Skype conversation it would have been effective to not reach out to him but let him sit with the good feelings and then he would want to reach out to you.
At this point, he is clear that he isn’t making you happy. The number one thing a guy needs is to know that we are happy. Is there a way that you can be happy with things they way they are? Knowing that if you are going to face this together you may need to be okay with moving at a snails pace until his work life gets back on track and he has more time to devote to a relationship. Does that make sense? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Crystal, Thanks for sharing so much amazing info. It is really helpful. I can totally understand your concern about him pulling away based on your past experiences. While it is common for men to pull away at times it is more that possible for them to come back. You mentioned a really important insight-in the past you chased when they pulled away. When that happens men generally do pull back even more. So for now, taking a step back yourself is a good idea. I do think that you can be flirty when you are still a bit distant. Maybe distant isn’t the right word. Distant to me means there is a coldness, an emotional distance involved. I think what I am suggesting is a physical distance but when you do connect, a warm and friendly connection.
Even though he hasn’t been open to getting together, keep reaching out every 2 wish weeks with a friendly banter type of text or with a request mean to ignite his hero instinct. Let’s go back to the night of the hockey game. It sounds like that was around January 30 which was only about 10 days ago. The conversation the two of you had may have seemed heavy for him given that he isn’t very vocal about his emotions. I wonder if he is simply taking some time to sort things out. Now women tend to want to sort things out by talking to out guy but men tend to sort things out by withdrawing. And, it does take them more time to sort things out-especially the guys who are stoic. I know how frustrating this can be. I’ve dating my share of men who process this way and I remember that it really drove me bananas at times. I also remember that I would sometimes say things in anger because I just didn’t understand what was going on.
I would not ask him to hang out at this point. As hard as it is, just don’t bring it up. Do text every 1-2ish weeks with sometime fun. For example, do you guys have a favorite food? Is so, when you are eating it again send him a pic of it with a simple text like “Yum–sooo good!” expecting nothing in return at this point. On some level he may be testing you to see if you can really tolerate the space he will sometimes need. I don’t think he is doing this on purpose but after the conversation in the car I do get the sense that he is wondering about whether he can be himself, whether he is up to the task. That is for your ears only! Don’t suggest any of this to him or try to reassure him. He needs to ponder this until he is ready to talk with you about it. Be steady, fun, and flirty and okay with the space for now. I know this is really hard but you can do this!
There is a great video that might help explain the difference in brain chemicals for men and women and how these differences affect behavior. I can’t find the link but put this into your YouTube search and you will find it! “Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend”
Please do keep us posted as we are here to support you!!!
Kanya
Hi, Gosh, things are really complicated. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this and figure it out. There are some red flags that come through for me that I want to share. First, he is sexting his brothers baby mama but says that he isn’t interested in her. Then, he has dating site profiles but only wants to see if he knows anyone locally. Hmmmm. That doesn’t really make sense to me. I’m sorry to say it but I do not think he is being honest with you and perhaps he isn’t being honest with himself.
So, for 7 years you have been in this relationship. Has it been a good relationship for you? Have your needs been met? Have you felt loved, really loved? I guess the reason I ask is because when someone is in a relationship with a ‘my way of the highway’ kind of person it can be really frustrating and often disappointing. It can make us wonder if we are crazy for wanting the things we want, for needing more. I wonder if this has been your experience over the years. The reason I ask is because before you work at getting this man’s attention back on you I want to encourage you to really consider if this is as good as you want your life to be?
I know that might not be what you were hoping to hear but I think this is the right place to start. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Joseline, I’m sorry that this is happening. I can imagine how difficult it is. Can you please share more about why he left and what happened for the two of you? How long have you been together? What has the relationship been like up to this point, etc?
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi, Wow, I really acknowledge you for thinking this through so well and really taking Heidi’s feedback to heart. Not everyone is as open to doing that as you so well done!
If you would like to approach your ex-boyfriend, it sounds as though the door is open. He shared that he wants to maintain a friendship plus he has been texting when he is close by. This signals to me that he would like to see you and this is definitely a conversation you want to have in person. I would casually reach out to him, or wait for him to initiate, then suggest that you meet for coffee or a drink. When you are together acknowledge some of the insights you shared above. Keep it light and easy. Let him know that you weren’t sure where you fit into his life anymore and that made you feel sad, scared, etc. Let him know that you would like to give it another try as being without him just doesn’t feel right. As you spend more time together use some of what you are learning on this site to get his attention in a positive way.
You do need to come to peace with his priorities and see if that is something that you will be okay with. If you go into this expecting a big turn around in the next 6 months you may be disappointed. It sounds like he isn’t that close to being ready to commit. Rather than focusing on outcomes I encourage you to focus on being int he moment, enjoying your time together, and allowing things to evolve in a more organic manner! Please keep us posted as to how things go in your conversation!
Kanya
