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Hi Catherine, Thanks for writing back with more details. It sounds like you two do communicate but often about your daughter or other logistics of life. you mention the the two of you have gone on a few dates. Does the mean you are dating each other again or other people? I noticed that Heidi asked an important question above; are you working on the relationship and what things have you done in the past that have helped the two of you?
While he does seem in limbo, has he shared what he needs to feel like he is ready to commit to the relationship again?
Kanya
Hi Mara, I’m glad you are writing in for some ideas. It’s not uncommon for men to focus on what is right in front of them. I know that can be really frustrating but do what ever you can to to take it personally! Instead, have you tried to ignite his hero instinct the way Heidi recommended? It is a great way to get and keep his attention. Have you tried it in the past?
It sounds like he is able to give you attention when you are present which is great. How frequently do you see each other? I’m also curious what happens when we aren’t hearing from you. Does the relationship improve, ebb and flow? The reason I ask is because you seem to have a few weeks here and there where we don’t here from you and I’m wondering what the past few weeks have been like?
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I do get the sense that he just doesn’t have anything to give to a relationship right now. You’ve done all of the right things an he just isn’t jumping back on board. I wonder if a 30 day no contact would help the situation and most importantly help you. Right now he isn’t juggling the different areas of his life well. While the relationship was important in a way it appears to be a non-essential to him right now. I do believe he cares for you but that he doesn’t have anything left to give.
You shared that you are feeling ready to move on. Maybe that is the best thing you can do at this point. You can take time to regroup, focus on you a bit, and really get clear on what it is you want and are ready for. You have given him time and the opportunity to adjust to his new work situation. Maybe it is time to stop waiting on him and begin to focus on creating your life the way you want it to be. It might mean doing things on your own for awhile but eventually there will be someone who you connect with, who you feel safe with, and who has the inner resources to give to you and an amazing relationship! I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
What behaviors have you done in the past to ‘mess things up?’ It sounds like you might have a sense of the things that haven’t worked in the past. I would make a list of these and work hard to avoid doing them again. I would also allow yourself time and space. This could take weeks or months to turn around. You need to be respectful on him along the way and not push for more until he is ready to talk.
I would consider taking a 30 day break from communicating. Even though it will be difficult, let yourself take a step back and refocus on yourself, your life, etc. Right now I get the sense that you want to avoid the pain by getting him back and fixing the situation. That isn’t possible at this point. You need to feel the pain, comfort yourself, and learn from this!
After 30 days I would send a short text igniting his hero instinct. Send a text that says “I need your help.” when he responds ask him to share his opinion on something. Then thanks him and share that it was super helpful. Then, take a step back. Wait 10-14 days then send a short, fun text about something the two of you used to laugh about. Then stop. Give him time to really miss you and wonder if you are getting on with your life without him.
I would also look at the free reports available yo you on this site so that you learn more about flirting, communicating, and getting his attention. There is a lot here that can help. Realize that he is hurt and that this could take some time. This is a marathon, not a sprint!
Kanya
Hi Sharon, Yeah, break ups can bring out parts of ourselves that are surprising and sometimes feel a bit out of control. Which is why it is really important to take a step back! Right now you are doing what a lot of people do; you are trying to get him to stop doing the thing that hurts and makes you anxious. The reason we feel anxious after a break up is because all of a sudden that person that was making us feel euphoric is gone. Our primitive brain starts to feel a bit crazy. Research shows that the brain of someone in love looks a lot like the brain of someone who just did a line of cocaine. Love is very addictive and when it is gone we panic a bit.
Unfortunately, the more you push, the worse it is getting. Here are some boundaries I recommend you put in place as you navigate this:
Don’t write his friends as that won’t lead to anything positive.
Stop looking at his social media as it will only make you feel worse.
Stop asking him to get back together. Everyone is still too upset and irrational to have a meaningful conversation.
Take care of yourself and do things that help to comfort and calm you.Meditate,pray, take long walks, take 100 deep breaths. Try a lot of things until you identify one or two that are really effective inhaling you feel calm and centered again. Finding a way to feel calm is vital right now as not feeling calm has led to some conversations and behaviors you now regret. I think there was some anxiety present that led you to use his password and that has grown exponentially. It is your responsibility to sooth that part of you and to reassure yourself that you really are okay even though he isn’t currently in a relationship with you. Once you BOTH calm down and become more rational you can talk about what happened and make a better decision about what makes the most sense going forward. Please keep us posted as we are here to help!
Kanya
Congratulations, it sounds as though you are really taking the information on this site and what we are sharing to heart. I think that is fabulous! It sounds like you are starting to trust yourself to know what to expect from him. And, to not take it personally when he flakes!
I find myself wondering if you are interacting with anyone else these days? The reason I ask is because I always recommend you not put all of your eggs in one basket. You two do keep circling around again-as friends-and until more happens you are free to interact with other guys. I actually think it could be good for you and boost your confident. And, it is always a good distraction to have someone else to talk with. Thoughts?
Kanya
I think it would be great to apply the 4 steps that Heidi talked about above. My sense is they could really change the communication and help him open up.
I do want to share an observation that you may or may not be aware of. While you talked about not wanting to change your man, you mentioned a few areas that you seem to want to change. You shared that he has many bad habits that you are trying to slowly break him of. You mentioned the first habit you want to get under control and fix. I wonder if this is one of the reasons he doesn’t feel safe? Without realizing it I think you may be trying to change him. Even if we are doing that because we think it would better someone and heir life, it doesn’t feel so good when you are the person that someone is trying to improve.
In terms of step 4, I would ask him if he wants help problem solving before jumping in. e might be the kind of guy who needs to talk it through out loud so that he comes up with some solutions before being open to hearing your thoughts. Either way is fine but I get the sense it might be important to find out which would work best for him.
Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Leeasia, Well, the good news is that he still cares for you and you for him. I agree that he needs to see that you have changed and the best way to do that is to show him via your behavior versus telling him. That can happen over time. I would focus on giving him some space as you develop a friendship for the time being. Asking him to go to coffee or for a walk and then showing him that you are different will be most effective. Learn to ask him how he is and support him as you would any friend. Really get to know him, what he needs, and what he values and incorporate that into your friendship.
I would also consider reading “The Relationship Rewrite” and beginning to implement the skills step by step. It is a really powerful tool that I think would be very helpful for you at this time. Don’t give up hope. Become strategic about this and let yourself move forward confidently that you can do what it takes to turn things around!
Kanya
Hi Aysegul, It does sound like things are back on track. I’m so glad that you reached out to him and he was open to getting together. Spending some time together seemed to be very important. I encourage you to take thing slowly. At times things will feel like they did in the past and sometimes they may feel different. That is normal. No couple stays in the honeymoon stage forever. Research shows that that phase of a relationship lasts, on average, from 6-20 months. Over time a couple develops a different kind of connection that isn’t reliant on the intense attraction, butterflies in your stomach kind of connection. When this happens it can feel strange but it is really very positive because emotional intimacy is getting stronger.
For now keep doing what you are doing! Apply the skills you are learning on this site and take it one step at a time. Please keep us posted as we are here to support you!!!
Kanya
Leeasia, It sounds like you are i a really frustrating situation. Can you please clarify the circumstance that led to you pushing him to the edge and him finally jumping? I think that would help me understand this on a deeper level. I can then support you more effectively. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Hannah, It looks like you have two versions of this post not he site. I have response to the other one only as I think that will be less confusing. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Hannah, I think the best thing you can do at this point is to focus on him when he does open up a bit to you. I know that it is easy to share your personal experience as a way to help but I wonder if this is what leads him to feel like it is about you? How do you respond and what do you think he is referring to? I know this is difficult to look at but I think it is an important first step. Thoughts?
Kanya
