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Hi Melodie, I can understand your frustration! Sometimes things just fizzle out or sometimes something happens in the guys life and he will pull away and sometimes he just needs a bit of a break to figure out if he is ready for the next step.
I suggest being honest about it. If they pull away and don’t come back I would say something like, “I get something has changed for you and I respect that. It would help me move on if you could share what happened for you and why you have decided to move on.” Then, when he shares, take the information in and see what applies for you. Some times people won’t respond to that request, and sometimes they will. I realize it can be frustrating to not know. When that happened to me in the past I would think about what it would feel like to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to express himself. Then I usually would feel like I dodged a bullet.
It’s also helpful sometimes to think back on things that were said in the past that might be part of their decision to move on. Thinking back were there any signs that will help you understand why some of those men decided to move on?
Kanya
Hi Martine, If you are focusing on being friends right now I think it is fine to initiate texting once in a while and even suggest hanging out. Treat it the way you would any other friendship as that might help you be clear about the boundaries. How frequently are you talking/texting and seeing each other these days?
Kanya
Hi Tina, Yes, I can understand why this is so confusing. I do think that it is a really good sign that he wants to spend time with you. It sounds as though you are dating and he is trying to put more into the connection. This seems like it is important for him. I’m wondering if a different approach is warranted at this time. What if you started to respond as if the two of you were beginning over? Enjoy the dates, enjoy his pursuit of you? Do you feel like you could let yourself fall for him the way you did initially? What is getting in the way of doing that for you?
Kanya
Hi Helen, I am glad that you reached out to your cousin to get some additional intel on this guy. I look forward cohering what she has to share.
I agree, going to these events would be great for you. You would get practice meeting new guys, having conversations, and even flirting. And, you may run into the elusive guy and have the opportunity to strike up a conversation in person. This might go a long way to answering some of the questions you have. When is the next even scheduled and are you signed up to go?
Kanya
Hi Mary, I’m sorry things have become so complicated. My sense is his wife’s interference is temporary. Sometimes, as couples take another step forward in the divorce process they will become conflicted and overwhelmed. The fact that she is spending more time there tells me things may be happening. I would stop focusing many of your attention on her. Don’t give her more weight than she deserves in this situation. Instead I would focus on just getting back to a positive place with your guy. This won’t happen by you telling him that or suggesting what he should be doing differently. However, it will happen if you show him that you are on his side and committed to supporting him.
As he has felt dominated in the past it is important to let him know that you trust he will work things out in time. I know this might be hard but in the end it is important. Yes, he may louder a bit and yes he will do things differently than you would like. But, he may need to do all of that to learn and to really let go of his past with his ex. He has a journey here as well and right now he is overwhelmed with the situation. It makes sense that he can’t handle the pressure of 2 women right now. Take a step back, let him know that you re sorry for pushing him and that you trust he will figure things out in his own way. I know it is scary to wait and see if he actually does this but your faith in him will be far more important than anything else at this stage!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, How exciting. Yes, I think your gut is on the right track. Focus on enjoying your time together. Be friendly and slightly playful. Occasionally pot your hand on his arm etc. Take a loot at the relationship rewrite again and maybe implement one of the first steps while you are together. Keep it light and simple but find a way to fit in an apology for past difficulties. Then, let go of talking about a future together. See this night as an opportunity to just connect and enjoy each other’s company. Even if he doesn’t say anything about getting back together, he will leave with a light feeling in his heart and I promise he will be thinking about you in the days following the event!
Please let us know how it goes!
Kanya
It’s interesting, it sounds as though he and your mom have some similarities; when you don’t give them what they want, they withdraw and punish you. Then, you tend to give in because you don’t like conflict. There are many things that would be helpful here. Learning to be yourself, and trust yourself, is at the top of that list! You need to choose your own partners from now on. You re 43 and capable of doing this. Yes, talk to your therapist about separating more appropriately from your mom. This will take some time but it will be worth it. As an adult you need to be the person making important life decisions. And, it is important to teach your daughter that as well so that she will be an independent woman who can manage her own life.
In terms of the guy. If he breaks up with you every time you say no to him this is going to be a difficult relationship. Think about how often you can go to see him and let him know what is possible. While he may continue to break up with you when you say no, you don’t have to respond to him when he does. Stay calm and wait for the storm to pass. He always comes back at some point. When he is away take time to care for yourself, develop a stronger relationship with yourself, and use that time to your advantage.
In terms of your mother, STOP telling her the details of your relationship. Don’t discuss the arguments or disagreements. Talk to your friends and therapist about that and just tell your mom that you guys are working on things and learning to communicate more effectively. IF she doesn’t know the details she may stop pushing for her agenda, and she may not. But, in the long run it is always better for moms to know as little as possible about the discord in your relationship. It’s not possible for her to stay neutral.
For now, this might not be the time to figure out how to move forward with the relationship. Focus on being supportive to one and other while you work some of the issues out. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Kanya
Ughhh, i’m so sorry. I can imagine how painful and confusing all of this was for you. I wish she had been the type of person who could have been more honest with you and with himself. In some ways would’ve probably been easier for you if he just ended the relationship versus giving you so many mixed signals. Unfortunately some people are mature and someways but that doesn’t make them good communicators. He sounds like the type Of person who would rather say something and actually talk about what’s really happening to avoid causing pain. Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that not being upfront with you caused far more pain than being upfront with you. I think that is part of why this is been hard to let go of; His words didn’t close the door to the future but his actions did. That can be extremely confusing and upsetting.
I encourage you to trust your gut and not reach out to him again for the time being. I don’t think he’s going to be able to be honest with you enough to make that worth your while. Years ago I had a similar situation. I’ve been dating someone for about six months so I really really liked. He started to pull away and didn’t have time to see me but he kept sending me link the emails about how amazing I was. For a long time I thought that he had just hit the pause button. Eventually I realized he had ended it but Helen actually ever verbalize that. Finally I told him to stop contacting me because it was just too confusing. When I look back now I feel sorry that he wasn’t able to communicate more effectively. And, I wish I had called him on it sooner instead of continuing to see the best in him without seeing him do who he was.
It sounds like when the relationship created complications with his kids he didn’t. Well it’s sad that he didn’t know how to deal with it, it’s even sadder that he put you through this. I think in order to get over him you’re going to have to let go of the hope that he provides closure for you. I don’t think he can do that. I really don’t think he’s capable of doing that. And I’m so sorry for that.
There’s an exercise that might be helpful for you. I would take out a new book and I would write him a letter saying everything you wanna say to him. Is not a litter that you’re going to send, rather it’s just for you to express yourself. Then after you are complete, The pen in your nondominant hand and answer back to you speaking from his voice. Write down the things you want to hear from him, I think you deserve to hear from him. Let yourself take in the words of that he was actually saying them. Imagine him saying everything you need here so that you can finally be free of this. Then, when you’re done, take the pages and rip them up, shred them, burn them in at Safeway. Do whatever you need to do to release those words from the page and the energy from your body.
You deserve to be free of him his ambiguity. Get really clear inside of yourself that this man is not for you. You deserve to be with a man who can actually communicate with you clearly and honestly. This man cannot do that. When you start to fantasize about how amazing he is remind yourself how difficult life would be living with someone who can’t communicate. Begin to see him not is the fantasy but as the reality. I know this is a lot of information, please let me know what you think. And remember, we’re here for you!
Kanya
Hi Martune, I really do understand how you are feeling. Unrequited love can be so very confusing at times. I do think he does care for you, I do blieve that he finds value in your time together. Under different circumstances I think perhaps he would be willing to take steps towards a relationship. But, given his current illness I’m not sure he is going to be able to put a lot towards a relationship. He’s really facing death and a significant health crisis which takes most of his resources to manage and process.
I remember you saying that you want to spend the next six months working on this. It sounds like that’s really clear for you and I encourage you to do it. I would however know that you need to pace yourself. This could take some time. You’ve been working a little while changed but as you continue to implement the steps, little by little, it might start. Has he shared with you when he will be done with treatment? I do you think that once this is all off his plate, and he is feeling safe body again, he may have more to put towards a relationship.
Continue to ignite his hero instinct. Be light and playful in your interactions while still caring for yourself! Be clear on your boundaries and trust your gut. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Sevinc, I’m sorry he didn’t give you some idea about what was coming. Sometimes people do give us hints in an indirect way. I’m wondering if that was happening here. Has he shared with you anything that would tell you he was trying to tell you even if he wasn’t able to be direct? It sounds as though you are learning to implement the respect principle which is important.
In terms of The Relationship Rewrite, go to the main menu and click on the link “James Library.” The Relationship Rewrite should be the first or second report listed. Let me know when you have read it and we can help you tailor the steps to your particular situation!
Kanya
Hi Frances, Wow, I think you are doing a great job in a really difficult situation. I think that continuing to step away and recreate your own life on your own is the way to go. Even texting him causally will most likely lead to frustration as he is so inconsistent with you. In a way I a glad he is being like that because you don’t have any illusions of him and what he is like and capable of.
Keep stepping back, stop communicating with him, and get ready for the great life you are setting the foundation for!
Kanya
Hi Sevinc, While you didn’t share a lot you certainly gave us a lot of information about why he responded so forcefully. It is really important at this point to learn to vent your upset in other ways. He won’t tolerate yelling at this time. And, he most likely will walk away from any form of conflict until he get to the point where he is ready to talk about things.
Use this time to explore the ways that you contributed to the negativity and discord in the relationship. I know it is not easy to do but I think doing so, then sharing your insights with him when he is ready to talk, is the best way to create some peace and understanding int his situation.
The Relationship Rewrite is available on this site and I agree with Heidi that it would be very helpful for you at this time. Please keep writing in as we are here to support you. As I said, it won’t be easy but you have the opportunity to make some changes that could be really impactful at this time. Hang in there.
Kanya
Hi Korina, It sounds like it might be a bit complicates. It would help me know how to support and guide you if you shared more information with me. That information might include how long the two of you have been dating, do you have a tendency to break up and get back together when trying to work things out, does your mom often influence your decisions in a relationship, etc. What led him to end things on Valentines Day? Was it in response to something that happened or was it out of the blue?
I look forward to hearing more from you!
Kanya
Hi Asja, I don’t think he is just being polite when he answers you. I get the sense that he does care for you in a genuine way. However, I don’t get the sense that he wants more than a casual connection at this stage. He is happy to see you but he is very focused on his music/work and hasn’t shown you that he is willing to step up more and spend more time developing this into a relationship. I chose this wording very specifically because I don’t see this as a relationship at this time. I’m saying that because I get the sense that you are a few steps ahead of him and continuing to move forward, treating this like a relationship, when he is not. I want you to be clear about where the two of you are and what to expect. As you said, I think you would be more comfortable with more structure in this relationship. That seems to fit your style more. I don’t think more structure fits his style.
I’m wondering how you could take this less seriously, think about it less, and simply enjoy it when he is available?
Kanya
Hi Natalie, definitely do not go to his house. Right now you are going through a difficult phase but you don’t want to do anything that you would regret. And, I think you would regret it is you did this. It’s super important to keep things in perspective. You had 5 dates with him. The two of you were just getting to know each other and even though you liked him there was so many things that you didn’t know about each other. The fact that he ended it after 5 dates gives you a lot of clues as to the viability of that connection.
I know it is difficult but realize that you are comparing the new men you are dating not the real him but the fantasy of him. No man is going to be able to compete with a fantasy man. We often do this when we are feeling vulnerable. It can be an effective way to keep men at bay and thus make it impossible to get hurt again.
When you start to compare someone new to the fantasy, it is important to remind yourself that it is a fantasy. Instead, get to know that new person. Spend time together and let him get to know you as well. In time you will meet someone interesting and exciting again. The only way that won’t happen is if you stop dating.
I promise I too know how difficult it is to move on. But, I am so glad I did because it allowed me to meet some interesting men and eventually allowed me to meet a great guy who is amazing. And, I need to say that when I first met him I never imagined that the two of us could work long term but I let myself get to know him and now we have been together for 3 1/2 years and we are very happy together! I know it is difficult but you can do this!
Kanya
