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Hi Latisha, Wow, I so acknowledge you of how you are handling this. Patience will go a long way in this process and you are clearly bring that to the table! Interns of things to talk about, I suggest you make a list ahead of time of things that interest him and things that you want to share with him. That way, when there is a lull in the conversations (which is totally normal) you’ll have some ideas! The list James compiled about subjects guys like to talk about is also so helpful. I would jot down a few ideas from that as well and add them to your list.
Please do keep us posted as things progress. We are here to help and support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Korina, While this isn’t easy it seems like you made the right decision. Most people are different from who we think they are as we are all putting on our best faces in the beginning. Over time we get to see who the real person is and sometimes we do need to end things because it isn’t a good situation for us. I think you made the right decision. Please let us know how we can support you moving forward!
Kanya
Hi Chona, I understand how frustrating this must be. You’re right, it could be ED, low testosterone, or a number of other conditions that could need attention. Is he motivated to have a more fulfilling sex life? Does he wish things could be different. If so ask him what needs to happen for him to feel comfortable getting help. Reassure him that doctors hear about this situation all the time and it is not a big deal for them. They are there to help their patients, not judge them.
At 50 he should also be getting regular check-ups and health screenings to ensure long term health but you probably are aware of that. Would it be helpful if you went with him to the doctor so that he doesn’t need to do it on his own? Continuing to encourage and support him in this seems like the best thing to do at this time. If he is not willing to get help, you may need to determine if you can work with this situation or not. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Chona, I understand how frustrating this must be. You’re right, it could be ED, low testosterone, or a number of other conditions that could need attention. Is he motivated to have a more fulfilling sex life? Does he wish things could be different. If so ask him what needs to happen for him to feel comfortable getting help. Reassure him that doctors hear about this situation all the time and it is not a big deal for them. They are there to help their patients, not judge them.
At 50 he should also be getting regular check-ups and health screenings to ensure long term health but you probably are aware of that. Would it be helpful if you went with him to the doctor so that he doesn’t need to do it on his own? Continuing to encourage and support him in this seems like the best thing to do at this time. If he is not willing to get help, you may need to determine if you can work with this situation or not. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Sonja, I really acknowledge you for having that honest conversation with him. While not easy it sounds as though it helped to really clarify things between the two of you. I think it is great that the two of you have decided to maintain a friendship and get to know each other better as you never know what could happen. That being said, be sure to stay open to other opportunities so that you don’t focus most of your energy on him of the hope that this will turn into something more. Slow and steady for now. You can do this!
Kanya
Hi Sonja, I’m struck by this idea that he wants to continue to date as friends. That sounds like you are continuing on a friends with benefits basis. Why not just be friends for now without the benefits piece. My sense is you will become more attached and continue to want more that he can give you. I’ve been in that place and it is not pleasant!
Instead, what if you focus on being friends and applying some of the Be Irresistible techniques to see if you can pique his interested for me. If you keep sleeping with him he won’t have any reason to actually pursue you. Pursuing is important in the development of any relationship. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Claudia, Why would you say that you ruined the little chance you had? I think you are being way to hard on yourself. While there may have been an initial spark, he hasn’t taken any steps to turn this into something more. There are a million reasons why that might be so and none of them are related to anything you did wrong.
You’ve done good job reaching out to him and trying to engage. Have you tried to ignite his hero instinct by using him his opinion about something? You can start by sending him a message saying “I need your help.” Then, when he responds ask his opinion about something that he knows a lot about. That could open up a conversation at a deeper level.
If thing don’t more forward I would encourage you not to fantasize about what could have been with this person. Doing so really isn’t fair to you as you can’t know from this perspective what the relationship would have actually been like. And, do so could stop you from moving forward and finding someone who is actually available to have a relationship with you.
Kanya
Hi Korina, I do want to echo what Heidi and your therapist said. In this situation you will always be int he middle. I get the sense that he and your mom have very strong personalities. Given that you are more passive, this would be a painful relationship for you. Life will continue to be exhausting!
I think that it is unrealistic that he will come to visit you given the relationship he and your mom have. Is he willing to meet you somewhere for a weekend? Someplace neutral where the two of you can just be together? Have you discussed this in the past? I wonder what he would say to that.
I do think having time for yourself to figure things out would be very helpful at this time. Maybe take a break, focus on finding ways to relax, do some journaling. Let everyone know that you are taking a few days off to get some perspective. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Colleen, I so feel for you! What you are experiencing is really common. It seems like you really like this guy so something inside of you is worried that he might go away for some reason. Here’s the thing, the best thing you can do is simply be yourself! That is what first attracted him and that is what will keep him interested over time. So, deep breaths in and out. It sounds like you are doing great so far.
So, when he snap chats you I would respond but maybe take some time, a few hours, the next day. I think the way you asked him to the concern was perfect. I didn’t see anything needy about that at all. I do hope that you are spending time with family and friend and he is aware of that. The reason I suggest that is because it is important that he se that you have plenty going indoor life, that you aren’t sitting around waiting for him to contact you.
For right now the two of you are still in the beginning. I would focus on your life for now and try not to think too much about where this may go. I know that might feel difficult right now but he does seem to be staying in touch and sharing with you which is a plus. I think that you can comment 70% of the time to his snap chats and post ones that you include him in as well. Take things slowly for nw and see what develops! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Tessa, First I really want to acknowledge you. You have chosen a very conscious journey and while that isn’t always easy, I promise it will be worth it. Remember you are stronger than you realize!
It sounds like you are in the habit of being critical of yourself. While that sometimes makes us feel that it will take it easier to change and grow, research shows us that we grow a lot more when we are kind to ourselves. Remember what it was like when your daughter started to walk? Even when she would take 1 step before falling down you would cheer. This excitement made her motivated to get up again and again. That is what we need to do for ourselves, especially when we are feeling down. Become that cheerleader, even if it isn’t easy or doesn’t feel natural. The more you do it the easier it gets!
You can do this! Keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, Sorry to hear about the weather. Here’s hoping that the storm passes you by!
That is great that you did those things in December. I trust that you will know what to do and say in the moment. Fingers crossed!
Kanya
Hi Senada, I’m so sorry to hear about the emotional affair. That must be very difficult to process and manage. I’m serious about what he has shared about the reasons that led to the emotional affair. In the past, what has he said upset him? What things started arguments before the affair? Are the two of you getting support via a therapist at this time to help you work things through?
Also, if you can share additional information it might be helpful for me to know how to best support you.
Kanya
Hi Nari, I really acknowledge your strength in all of this. Please do all that you can to take good care of yourself and to get support at this time as you figure things out and move forward! Remember, we are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Melodie, I can understand your frustration! Sometimes things just fizzle out or sometimes something happens in the guys life and he will pull away and sometimes he just needs a bit of a break to figure out if he is ready for the next step.
I suggest being honest about it. If they pull away and don’t come back I would say something like, “I get something has changed for you and I respect that. It would help me move on if you could share what happened for you and why you have decided to move on.” Then, when he shares, take the information in and see what applies for you. Some times people won’t respond to that request, and sometimes they will. I realize it can be frustrating to not know. When that happened to me in the past I would think about what it would feel like to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to express himself. Then I usually would feel like I dodged a bullet.
It’s also helpful sometimes to think back on things that were said in the past that might be part of their decision to move on. Thinking back were there any signs that will help you understand why some of those men decided to move on?
Kanya
