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Hi Mary, Can you share some more information please? Are you currently dating? Has he talked about what he wants or what he doesn’t want? What is your communication like? Please share anything that we would need to know that could help us understand the situation more. Thanks! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Namita, I’m so sorry. I can understand how difficult it is to care for someone who isn’t able or willing to care for us in return. I have a few questions. Can you share more about what ‘family restrictions and all’ mean? How long were you in a physical relationship? Did he say anything more before he went silent?
Kanya
Hi Martine, I’m so sorry that he is making the choices that he is making. I know that is really difficult for you given your feelings for him. The thing is, I do not get the sense that this person is going to change. The two of you originally met in a hook up situation and he continues to do this. Realize that this is not a reflection on you, how awesome you are, or what you deserve. This is just who he is and where he is.
I think it is important for you to accept, really accept, that this is the person he is and this is what he wants. If he is having random hook ups, focusing his energy in this way the I believe this is enough for him. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with him or that he needs to evolve into another sort of person. And, as I said above, this is not a reflection on you. I believe this situation is becoming increasingly difficult for you because you care deeply for him and continue to hope that he changes and eventually will come around and as you say, fall madly in love with you. I think that it makes sense to continue to be his friend only if you no longer have feelings for hi. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
I think you need time to get over this guy and that won’t happen if you continue to spend time together and continue to connect. Have you been in this situation in the past; unrequited love? The reason I ask is that sometimes this is part of a pattern, and sometimes it is not. Just something to consider. I you were to really step away from this person, how do you think you would feel? Not how you would feel initially because obviously you would feel sad and disappointed. How wold you feel a month from now, two months where you are over him and have even developed interest in someone new? I think it is time to consider doing this as I believe that you will continue to be hurt by this situation. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Rhea, I can understand why you would want to know that he is all in. The challenge is, it is messy because he is confused. He will need to work that out and make a clear decision before he can be 100% on board. I know it is difficult, really difficult, but also really important. I’m not saying that it is fair or something that you should have to do. But, it is where the two of you are and it will take a lot of patience and love to get through.
It is interesting that he started to feel depressed right around the time he started an emotional fair with someone else. I agree that he will need to stop talking to her in order to rebuild with you. Rather than trying to convince him yourself I would continue to go to couples counseling when he is home and let the counselor explain why this is important. Right now his defenses are up (which is a normal human response) and I think that a trained counselor would be more effective at helping him figure out what he wants.
I know if is difficult but if you really want this man you will probably need to put up with the confusion until he figures things out! That doesn’t mean that everything is normal when he is at home. You can certainly set some boundaries with him and show him that you are being more independent and happy in life even if he isn’t 100% present.
Have you thoughts of ways to ignite his hero instinct when he is home? This is a great way to interact in a more positive manner. Also try to take a break from talking about things so much and enjoy some time together. You need some good, fun time together ignorer to remember why this is worth saving!
Kanya
HI Sandra, I’m so sorry that he is choosing to handle this situation is the manner. It makes things even more difficult when someone can’t or won’t explain what is going on with them.
I’m curious, what did you write when you explained how the relationship would work? Did the two of you talk about it or did he just read it and then begin to shut down. If so, I wonder if he misinterpreted something that you wrote or if he does understand it but just can’t give you what you want and need.
Sometimes relationships start off with big plans but over time we get to see what someone is actually capable of and that can be very disappointing! It sounds like that might be happening in this situation. AS hard as it is, if he is telling you that he can’t have a deeper relationship, can’t marry, etc. I would believe him. Otherwise you could spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince him he is ready for more when he could never give you more.
I get the sense that you may feel like you are banging your head against the wall at this point. Since what you have been doing doesn’t seem to be changing anything, I would try something different. I would take a step back for yourself. Take a step back and reconnect with you. Learn to stop feeling dependent on his for feeling good about yourself or giving you the future you deserve. Take a step back to get some perspective on the situation so that you can really be honest with yourself about what is possible here. I know it is probably difficult to imagine but I do think it would be beneficial for you to shift your perspective and to change the direction this things. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Charlene, I’m sorry that he decided to close the door. I can understand why this is difficult ut I encourage you to be open to moving forward. Sometimes we can feel so bad that it is difficult to imagine but when we are open we tend to move forward more quickly. Think of all you have learned throughout this experience. You will be able to use this knowledge in future relationships.
While it is difficult right now, when you are ready there is a process that I recommend. Sit down and write down the top 10 qualities that you are looking for in a relationship/partner. Then, a day later look at the list again and pick the top 5 qualities. Then, wait another day, review the list, and pick the top 3. This is your guide for future relationships. The person/relationship you date in the future needs to have these top 3 qualities. Otherwise, you won’t be happy or fulfilled.
Right now the best thing you can so is be gentle with yourself. Spend time with family and friends who remind you of how amazing you are. And, trust that this was just a stepping stone. There will be other opportunities and other relationships. When you are ready to think about that please reach out and we are happy to support you!
Kanya
Hi Terri, This is an interesting situation. Do you feel that you and your BF have what it takes to go the distance? If so, at some point you will need to share with your ex that you are dating. Have the two of you talked about telling people in the future? I guess I’m wondering if you’ve gotten to the place where you’ve considered this long term?
If you’re comfortable sharing more information it would help me know how to better support you! Looking forward to hearing more.
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I can understand why you would feel lots of ups and downs. However, you can choose HOW to see this situation. If you start to think that you have been used, that he regrets this, that it isn;t going to move forward you probably will do something like confront him. However, if you choose to see that this is a positive step forward, that he is reengaged, that he is moving one step at a time then you will most likely feel calm and able to slow your role.
I know that this part, the waiting and wondering, can be difficult. But, you are really wanting to show him a different side of you so it is important that you not confront him. Show him that you can relax and takes things slowly. I’m not sure if you are working with a counselor these days but it might be helpful. They will help you learn to stay calm, to comfort yourself and to be able to weather this is a positive way. I know it is difficult but you two have some so far I would hate to see that blown up now. Keep breathing in and out and trust that things are moving on the right direction.
Kanya
Hi Latisha, In my experience people have had positive outcomes with this method. Given the nature of the break up I think that it is normal for it to take time to rebuild the relationship. Even though the two of you have a history together you are starting over in some ways. You both need time see how the other has changed, grown since your time together. I get the sense that the two of you are wanting to build a solid and stable relationship that will continue well into the future. Yes, patience has proven to be a very successful intervention in many or couples who have connected with this site!
Kanya
Hi Chona, I think continuing to talk about this with your boyfriend would be great. However, I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum. If you were to do so then things could get very difficult and he most likely wouldn’t want to be open with you. For now, keep the conversation going and focus on how important it is for HIM to get this resolved for himself. Yes, there will be benefits for you but he also needs to know that you care about his experience and his health. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Leeanne, It sounds perhaps more complicated than it seems at fave value. So you were in a relationship, but only talked online. Even that type of communication can create a strong bond. It sounds like that is what happened for you. While it is reasonable to want him to be exclusive with you, I don’t know that it is realistic. You haven’t met each other in person and the truth is, he is probably different than you imagine, just as you are different than he imagines. That is just the reality of what happens when you communicate with someone online, via email, text, etc.
The challenge is, you don’t really know each other. You only knew what the other person wants you to know. You shared that he could be kind and sweet when he wanted something. What did he want? To what end did he use hs charms? I’m wondering if you felt taken advantage of in any way during the time you were communicating? I also wonder what he was like when he wasn’t being sweet and considerate. Can you tell me more about what your interactions were like? As Heidi said, the more information you share the easier it will be for us to support you!
Kanya
Hi Denise, It sounds like there are a few things going on here. First, you asked what you should do with a guy like this. If you feel he is taking you for granted and you have already talked to him about it, you could try again to see if he can understand where you are coming from. If, however, he really is emotionally abusive I would shift my focus from tying to change him and focus instead on moving forward without him. Anyone who is emotionally abusive has not place in your life. Over time this behavior will break you down, lower your confidence, and make you question your value even more.
When you left him before you did no abandon him. You simply set a boundary with another adult who is capable of caring for himself. That is far different than abandoning him. If sounds like your gut might be saying more on but then you question yourself when he questions you. Always, always follow your gut!
In terms of dating again. Yes, when we date we do open ourselves up to getting hurt, possibly being rejected, even getting out hearts broken. But, we also open ourselves up to loving and being loved, learning to trust someone over the course of time, and developing different parts of ourselves in this situation. Do you tend to take things personally when they don’t work out? If so that might be contributing to the fear. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I’m glad that you can see that you were hoping he would want to jump back into things. I can understand that and I am thinking this is going to be a slow process that builds over time. That being said, I would wait a week or so then suggest you meet up in in the beautiful town you mentioned. I would phrase the question in a very open manner: Hey, I just found out that I have the opportunity to go to (insert town) for a long weekend. Would love to share the experience with you. Let me know if you are interested!
Then he can commit or not but there won’t be any pressure to do so before he is ready. Hang in there. I know it is slow but things are moving forward!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I’m glad that you can see that you were hoping he would want to jump back into things. I can understand that and I am thinking this is going to be a slow process that builds over time. That being said, I would wait a week or so then suggest you meet up in in the beautiful town you mentioned. I would phrase the question in a very open manner: Hey, I just found out that I have the opportunity to go to (insert town) for a long weekend. Would love to share the experience with you. Let me know if you are interested!
Then he can commit or not but there won’t be any pressure to do so before he is ready. Hang in there. I know it =is slow but things are moving forward!
Kanya
