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Hi Deborah, First I want to really acknowledge you for hanging in there with this person. Clearly he is a good guy in many ways and very family oriented! The thing is, I don’t see that he wants more than a close friendship with you. Yes, he wants to bring you into his family and share that with you which is great. But, he isn’t setting any boundaries with his family. What I mean is that they will always come first. He will cancel plans to be with them. Over time I think that is going to be difficult for you as it would be difficult for anyone! I get the sense that you want to spend time with someone who wants to spend solid quality time with you. Being with family is great but in order to really have a strong bond you do need to spend one on one time together.
It sounds like he does the friend thing pretty well though I wonder if over time you might see some narcissistic tendencies in him as well. I am seeing some red flags in that area so please be sure to see him clearly. What I mean by that is he is consistently putting his needs first. And, when you ask for more or try to have a conversation about where things are going he gets defensive and shuts down. He already knows what you want and need but he isn’t stepping up and giving it to you. There are lots of ways to have a relationship, many ways to prioritize things. I get the sense that your priorities are different than his. If he isn’t able to compromise and really step up I’, afraid that you will continue to be frustrated. you certainly deserve to have the relationship that you want. Perhaps it is time to take a step back and reevaluate if this is the person who can give that to you. thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Stefanie, I’m so glad that you are feeling better/ It is great that you can see some humor in all of this. It really does say that you are moving through this! And, I do think that in a few weeks he will be an after thought!
There will be moments that you start to day dream of think of the ‘good’ times but remember to balance that out with the reality of who he is. Doing so will help you move through this more quickly and gracefully. Remember, we are here if you need any support at all! you’re doing a great!
Kanya
Hi Stefanie, Ughhh, so frustrating! I wonder what was happening for him that weekend when he was working. Also, how many times did you text him that weekend? How many days passed before you send him the short, angry text?
Kanya
Hi Sonja, I’m so sorry. There is nothing worse than what you are feeling. When the two of you decided to be friends 2 weeks ago did part of you feel that you could ‘win’ him back? I think that is normal to want that and normal to be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
The thing is, if he isn’t feeling that right now you can’t force him to do that. The reality is, the more you push for that, the further he will go. Instead, think of this as a long game. By that I mean that it could take months to get him interested again. Why? Because for many men, they are far more interested in a woman when she isn’t interested in him! I know, crazy right? The reason is men want to win a woman over. If things move to fast they can fall apart just as fast. You mention that you had separated 2 months ago. Not sure if that is two months ago from now or from when you started to date. The problem with getting involved so quickly after separating is that we tend to jump in head first. We really dive into the new, good feelings. It gets us away from the sad feelings of separating. The problem is, you need to feel that sadness, and grieve the loss of the relationship, before you can really move on. Right now you are grieving 2 relationships and I imagine that is overwhelming.
For now I think it is important for you to take a step back. You need to go through the difficult process of letting the last relationship go, learning from it, and integrating your learnings into the present. I promise that when you do that you will be ready for something new, really ready. I understand the desire to rush a head but I really do think that you need to focus on you right now. Then, in a few months, you will be ready and you will have so much more to share with a partner! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Meredith, I’m glad the two of you connected! I totally understand that it is hard sometimes to flow and figure out how you both get connection and space. I think many couples struggle with that at times. I like the idea of mirroring him for now. Please do keep yourself busy and happy so that you aren’t missing him too much. And, keep us posted as we are here to help!
Kanya
Brittany, I can understand why your past experiences could be clouding your present. It is super important to keep your feet in the present. When you start to feel the pull of the past affecting you today, remind yourself about where you are in life and the ways in which this man is different.
I noticed something that I want to share with you. You asked about ‘allowing bad behavior’ and ‘allowing more than you should.’ Both of these phrases stake me as something one would say about their children, not their partner. I don’t think it is about allowing or not allowing certain behavior. I believe it is about understanding and respecting the needs of one and other. You don’t actually have control over his behavior. You can let him know what you want and need, he shared what he wants and needs, and then you find a way to meet in the middle. No one gets 100% of what they want in a relationship but hopefully you will get the things that are most important to you most of the time.
I don’t think there are good things to say or not. I do think that you actions are more powerful than words. If you be less available when he reaches out to you, and you talk about the fun things you are doing with family and friends, he will understand what you aren’t sitting around waiting for him. And, I would really grow your life in that way. Fill your schedule with fun things. The added benefit is that you won’t miss him as much and you will be more content in your own life. There is nothing more irresistible than a happy woman!
Kanya
Hi Kerry, One thing that is really hitting me is the fact that your kids are being disrespectful. Is that maybe one of the reasons that he isn’t around sometimes? Here’s the thing…I really believe that we teach people how to treat us. We let them know if it is okay to be disrespectful and if it is not okay. When you children are disrespectful do you call them on it? If you don’t then you aren’t being very respectful of yourself! I would start to let them know, calmly and clearly, that they need to treat you with respect. Tell them in the moment and if they don’t respond in a positive manner, walk away from the conversation. Don’t be pushed or bullied by them anymore. At firs they won’t like the new rules but if you stick with it, eventually they will see that you are serious and begin to respond.
In terms of your guy, it seems like maybe he has fallen into that rut of knowing you are going to be there, knowing he doesn’t have to work too hard to see you, etc. I would start to be a little hard to get. I’m not suggesting you manipulate him but say no once in awhile. Take your time responding to his text messages. Don’t make it so easy for him to have what he wants. Men really do need to work at winning us over in order to really appreciate us.
I think it is great that he loves you and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. But…I think he might need more guidance on what you want and need. When he does give you want you want be sure to give him a lot of positive reinforcement using his love language. That will make him want to give you more because he is feeling successful at making you happy! Have you tried igniting his hero instinct in the past? If so, how did he respond?
Kanya
Hi Brittany, No, I don’t think you are reaching. I think that it makes sense that you want to communicate as much as you have in the past. Since you have been dating for 8 months you may notice a natural shift in the amount of time you spend communicating. Couples often move into a more comfortable zone around this time and it is actually a good sign. It generally means that you are both feeling comfortable with each other and trust that the other person is going to stick around.
You mention that the two of you have talked about a future together. Do you have a sense about how you will move from LDR to living in the same city, etc? That could be an interesting process with 7 children between you! It sounds lie you re doing an amazing job with your communication! Have you looked at some of the reports on this site? I think there are several that you might find helpful, given your situation!
Kanya
Hi Meredith, Wow, I really acknowledge you. You are taking some great steps in terms of opening up to him, I know that takes a lot of courage. You clearly care of this person and it is motivating you!
I’m not sure if you’ve heard form him yet but I think you could send him a text that ignites his hero instinct. Think about something that he is really good at or has some knowledge with then send him a text that says “I need your help.” When he responds, as him your question. He will answer and when he does, thank him and let him know you think he is awesome! Don’t mention anything about getting together or the relationship. Just what I shared above. By keeping things super light and playful you remind him of how much fun he has when he is with you and he will naturally want to plan something soon! Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I can understand why all of this would make you feel anxious. I think that in some ways this is probably what this person is good at-swooping in, being amazing, disappearing. That is such a painful experience to the person who has been ghosted. He told you he was coming over, then never showed up and never responded to your questions. To me this is a sign of an emotionally dangerous person. It’s like he is playing bumper cares with your heart and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with that.
I agree with Heidi that not contacting him is the way to go. Right now your brain is a bit addicted to the great feeling you had with him so of course it wants more. The thing is, you need to keep explaining to your brain that this person is not a good match for you. He is not a caring, loving person you initially thought he was. this guy punched you in the romantic gut and he is the type of person who will do it again if you give him the chance. So, when you think of him and the wonderful parts of him you must also think of the pain his actions caused. You must think of him as uncaring and self involved. You must imagine what life would be like with a person that takes your feelings for granted in this way. That is the real him. The best way to move forward is to be honest about who he is. And, when you are feeling strong again, consider ways to set better boundaries in the future. While I am a hopeless romantic I have learn, the hard way, that I can’t let someone into my heart that deeply until I take the time to really get to know him. That initial feeling of love isn’t really love. It’s chemical soup in my brain txt clouds my perspective. While it is important to have that with someone, you need to be with that person for a long time before you know who they really are.
I would recommend you read the book “Attached; the science of adult attachment” to understand what you are dealing with right now. It is a fascinating book and I think you would find it very useful. Please keep checking in as we are here to support you in this difficult time!
Kanya
Hi Susan, I am so sorry. This is so frustrating. I think you are accurate in that he is dealing and accepting what is right in front of him. In many ways it is easier for him to do so and at this point he may be ready for easy. You see, if he was upset about the quality of time together, or how the two of you communicate, or anything that you have some ability to change it would be easier to work with this situation. Unfortunately, the thing that isn’t working for him – distance and travel- are still present and won’t be changing any time soon. If he feels he is done with that, and has found something that is right in front of him, then it will be difficult to get him to change his mind.
I know that isn’t what you were hoping to hear. It’s just that when something isn’t working to this degree, and you can’t change it, it will always be a barrier to getting back together. I would set up a lunch and when you are together you can remind him of things that you shared in the past that brought you both a lot of joy. The thing about kids is, they can be exhausting and leave little time for romance. Reminiscing about the freedom and fun the two of you had will remind him of a more open and free time. You can use this to your advantage. When the two of you talk or communicate, be sure to share about all the fun things you are doing and planning to give him reminder of his old life. Please give it a try and keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, Hmmmmm. It is difficult to know since I can’t see you interacting with these guys. Tell me a little about your experience on the dating sites. Did you reach out to guys you were interested in? If so, given an example of what you would say to them. And, how did you respond to me who contact you that you found interesting?
Kanya
Hi Martine, I think you are right in saying it is time to move on. He will continue to put you in these situations simply because you don’t set boundaries with him. We all push things in a way that gets us more of what we want. He probably doesn’t see the degree to which this upsets you. Perhaps he believes that you have moved on and are no longer invested in him. He isn’t going to be the one to suddenly wake up and treat you better. The truth is, we teach people how to treat us. It is time to set boundaries and begin to take your life back!
In terms of him being emotionally unavailable, perhaps he is and perhaps he isn’t. I’m not going to address that because it doesn’t support you. Letting go of him will start with no longer wondering why is going on with him, no longer trying to figure out the answers for him. It is time to let him take responsibility for himself. You only need to focus on yourself. He is living the life that he wants to live and the life that works for him. I know it is difficult to imagine that this is what he wants but all signs point to that. He may live like this forever and that is him choice.
For now, think of a project in your life that you would like to focus on. You clearly have a curious and intelligent mind. Stop focusing on fixing or changing him and use that wonderful mind on something else indoor life that would benefit you. Other woman have focused on buying a house, training to run a marathon, even organizing their home. Any ideas as to what that might be for you?
Kanya
Hi Susan, So I’m going to assume that for now you will still be able to see him 2x per year. What has he complained about in the relationship? Is it merely the distance or are their other things that have been bothering him or getting in the way for him? If there are other things you could begin to make some changes that would be important to him and that might encourage him to keep to door open for now. If, however, it is really about the distance, I’m not sure there is anything that will keep him engaged. If he has had enough of something, and you can’t make a change for the next year, he may not be able/willing to wait anymore.
Another challenge is that he has met someone who is local, thus solving the distance issue. Is he in a relationship with her at this stage? It will be hard to compere with what is right in front of him, no matter how amazing your connection is. You mentioned that the woman he has an interest in has two young children. Has he talked to you about wanting to start a family at some point? Is this something that you wanted to do together?
While she is local, and is probably triggering his hero instinct, have you tried to do this as well? I think it would be a good idea to try this. Think about something that he is good at or has some expertise in. Then, send him a text saying “I need your help.” When he responds, ask for his assistance. Then, be grateful and share that you “just don’t know what you would do without him.”
Its great that you are going to se him again in April. Have you initiated a meeting with him? I would keep the invitation light and casual so that he feels more comfortable meeting. Se if you can get that scheduled and then we can talk about hot to approach the meeting!
Kanya
Hi Susan, Ughh, this is so frustrating. I can understand why you are frustrated. It sounds as though the two of you saw each other 4 times in 2 years. Is that accurate or were there more visits? First, is there a chance that you could see each other more frequently? Next, what has the contact been since he told you in Dec/Jan?
Kanya
