Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi En, Welcome to the forum! It sounds like the two of you may need to have a heart to heart about what you both want and need. Do you think he is looking for something more casual than what you are looking for? Rather than fighting about him not spending enough time with you, you have a conversation and see what you are both able to give. If this is all he can give then you get to decide if it works for you. Here is an article James wrote with ideas on how to break the gridlock in a relationship. Read through it and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Anastasia, Welcome to the forum! There are a variety of things you can do to reignite things. Can you tell me more about why and when the relationship ended and what type of communication you have with him at this point?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I hear that the idea of “giving up” is really difficult to consider. It seems as though getting a divorce may feel like you have failed at something. Is this how you are feeling? It seems as though he is the one who has given up. You have waited and tried to work with him but he has taken no steps in trying to repair the marriage. He is showing no signs of doing so. I agree with Heidi in that the pain and suffering you are feeling is related to being in limbo. It is not fair or kind to yourself to keep waiting and hoping that he will get over this other person. Regardless of the phase he is in, he hasn’t given you anything that says he wants to relationship and marriage back. Waiting, while he is not fighting for you or the relationship, must be so hurtful. Even paralyzing. Of course it is a lot to acknowledge and realize what is happening. This man is your husband and he has acted as if you are disposable. That is a horrible thing to experience. But, if there is not an end to this your suffering will continue.
Many times we stay in limbo because the alternative – actually letting go and moving on — is too painful to consider. We are okay with our current level of pain because we have learned how to manage it. Stepping into a different level of pain can feel overwhelming. Let me ask you a question; are you a pull the band-aid off at once kind of person or are you a pull it off slowly kind of person? I have memories as a child of taking an hour to pull off a band aid because I was someone who can sustain small amounts of pain at a time. In my adulthood I have had to recognize that there are many different ways to move through painful situations. I still hold on to relationships far longer than I should but when I am done I have no regrets and no confusion. I’ve also learned that the emotional pain I fear is never as bad as I imagined. And, that emotional pain is made significantly easier as I have learned to talk to myself in a loving way. How do you feel about facing the pain of letting this marriage go?
Kanya
Hi Simmonds, Thank you for sharing more information. IT sounds as though he does like to be in charge of things, would you agree? It is interesting that you wanted to take some space and because he did not what it, you didn’t take space. There are a few red flags here that warrant identifying.
First, when he is triggered or upset about something he seems to say that you aren’t enough for him. That is a very immature and one sided way of looking at things. What I really want you to understand is that you are enough. You are enough, just as you are. Just because you are doing something that he does not like does NOT mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are flawed in some way. That is something I would really like you to understand. Not everyone is nat good fit or a good match for everyone else. Sometimes we are a good match in some ways but there are things about the other person that don’t work for us. We all need to take personal accountability for these things and not make it personal. For instance, it sounds as though you are more of an introvert. That means you will be more quite naturally. When he gets triggered by this he tells you there is something wrong with you for being quiet. In reality, there is nothing wrong with you. He needs to explore what upsets him about this and find a way to work through it.
Another red flag is that he is controlling. That usually comes from an insecure person. When he has negative feelings about something he tried to change you, or your behavior, to help himself feel better. A more mature approach would be for him to develop insight into what is getting triggered in him and to find ways to maintain his emotional balance even when he isn’t getting what he wants. Guess what? We often don’t get what we want. That is part of the human experience. We all need to develop skills to manage this reality and stop blaming others.
Finally, when you ask for something you need, he says no. If you wanted space then it is not up to him to give you permission for that. That is your decision and if you want space, you take space. He will not ike that because he is jealous and insecure but his insecurity is in charge of you right now. That is not something he, or anyone, gets to have power over. You are in charge of your life in a way that is far larger than you are giving yourself credit for. I want to share more but I know this is a lot of information so I’ll let you digest it a bit and respond before sharing more. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Kanya
Hi, Welcome to the forum. It sounds as though you have experienced a lot of confusion and contradiction in his behavior. That must be taking a toll on you. It seems that he likes to be in control of where things are in the relationship; he wants to control the amount of space, the timing, the tenor of things. When you ask for something, it sounds as though he pushes for what he needs in that moment. Would you agree? Do you find it difficult to know what you are thinking, feeling, and needing at times? Does this relationship mirror relationships that you have had in the past?
Can you see some continuity in his behavior? When you are away does he immediately say that you may not be enough or is that something that he talks about on occasion and other times he is secure? When you say he is uncomfortable with you taking space, what level of space are you asking for? A month of no communication or a night with your friends? Can you clarify a bit more? Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Kaye, Welcome to the forum. It sounds like it was a wise decision to join as you are trying to manage a complex and difficult situation. I understand why you are having difficulty reconnecting.A long marriage or relationship is often peppered with unbind words and unkind acts. As humans we have little education and understanding of relationships. Often we just do some tweaks version of what our parents did, for better or worse.
There are several areas that need to be addressed. Like many people, it seems like you are having a difficult time forgiving him for the things he has said when he was upset. We usually do this to avoid being hurt again in the future. While things were said, it might be helpful to think that those words came from a young person inside of him, a child inside of him. When we are upset our brains shut down and we revert to a more primal part of our brain. We then say, or even do things, that are very immature. Sometimes it is easier to let got of the hurt if we realize that words said in anger rarely reflect what we are actually feeling towards our partner. Are you open to letting your guard down and letting go of these hurtful words so that you can create a deeper connection with your partner?
The next thing to address is his head injury, illness, and the mental illness he is not experiencing. Does your husband have a therapist or doctor he is working with to help treat not just his injuries but also the mental health challenges he is experiencing? Depending on the injury, there are medications that could help him manage his emotions more effectively. Certainly something to look into. Do you anticipate that his health will improve with time and get him back to functioning at his pre-illness level? The answer to this will have a big impact on how you move forward. What are you anticipating?
I hear what you are saying about him being your hero again. Even if he can’t do the things he did before the illness, what are small manageable things that he can do now to be your hero? Can you identify a few things and begin to encourage him in these areas? It might be good for both of you to see how that feels. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
It is interesting that you shared that he wants to be successful before having a relationship. The reality is, some men are indeed like this. Alison Armstrong is a relationship coach and she talks extensively about this. Some men want a woman at their side while they build their kingdom and others want to build their kingdom first. It sounds like building and having accomplished more will help him feel more self confident and will help him feel he has more to offer. I recommend that you read Alison’s book “The Keys to The Kingdom” to understand more.
I can’t remember if you have already shared it but how old is he and how old are you? I get the sense that you are having a difficult time seeing past all of this. You shared that you are thinking about leaving school which would also mean leaving your job. Can you are more about why you are wanting to do that?
Kanya
Hi Jessica, I think it is important that you are learning about your yourself. Developing self awareness is such an important part of living an awakened life! I think that going slowly is important and I’m not sur that this guys is actually going anywhere anytime soon. It’s just too early for him after his divorce. The fact that he isn’t communicating his stance with you is definitely a red flag to be concerned with. I’m not sure that this man has developed a basic level of self awareness yet. That will be challenging to the people in his life on many levels. Do you think that you could be friends with this person and jus think of him as a friend without wanting more? Do you think that you can be open to other dating opportunities if he is still around at times? Would you be open to not initiating communication with him for a period of time to see if you actually hear from him?
Kanya
Emilie, SOOOOO happy to hear that you have birthday celebrations in the works! What a wonderful surprise! And glad that your dad tested negative. Enjoy your day!
Kanya
Hi Jessica, Welcome to the forum! I can understand your confusion with this person. He is giving mixed signals; hinting that he wants to get to know you but not initiating any opportunities to do so. Given that he is recently divorced, I don’t think he is ready for more than friendship at this point. The research shows that men in this position usually wait for about 2 years before starting a serious relationship. Right now it is going to be fun and light and inconsistent. It sounds like this isn’t going to work for you. I am glad that you know that about yourself and I encourage you to really honor yourself. Either he needs to really step up or what he is offering really isn’t worth your time and energy. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I’m with you–I’m so done with Covid! Schools in our district re supposed to go to a hybrid model in November – 2 days in school per week — but who knows where the numbers will be at that point. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to have a birthday celebration the way you deserved. Are you finding new ways to celebrate or make new traditions? Please tell me you at least celebrated with a Pain au chocolat?
Kanya
Hi Coleen, Welcome to the forum! I’m curious, were are you meeting these boys? Do they have a relaxed attitude on other areas of their lives such as work? Are there men in your life who are more serious in their intentions or are you still trying to find those types of men?
First, say no to the players. Close the door to them not just in a physical world but also inside of yourself. Make a commitment to avoid those guys like the plague and to not even entertain the thought of them. Feel free to just ignore their stupid requests. Next, sit down and list out the 10 most important qualities you are wanting to find in a man. Keep that list close and even tweek it as time goes on. Eventually you will have a clear idea of what is most important to you. Then, don’t compromise on what is most important. Developing the strength to not settle takes time and a lot of patience. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was more serious?
Kanya
Hi Misty, I agree with Heidi-it is best to be cautious at this point. There are a lot of blurred lines right now. Yes, you feel like you are part of the family but in reality he could terminate your working relationship and ask you to leave at any point. Then, you lose what feels like your family. I know you can not imagine the scenario in which that could occur but it is important to be realistic about this arrangement. As Heidi shared, let him lead and don’t be too quick to get involved. While this may feel like an ideal situation, it could go south quickly so be sure to go slowly. Can you tell me what slowly might look like for you?
Kanya
Hi Amanda, I’m so glad to hear that you are recovering from Covid. It sounds like you have had a really difficult year. I hope you re practicing a lot of self love and self care are you continue to heal and get back to 100%.
You’re head must be reeling at this point regarding this man. He is giving you some mixes signals but one thing is clear; he can’t tolerate or maintain closeness. Like a true avoidant; he doesn’t want you to go and he doesn’t want you to stay. From my experience, that is a really crazy making combination. You’ve already sent that even when you are focusing on just being friends, he will start to feel like it is too much and feel the need to tell you that the two of you are just friends. I see that you are thinking of ending the friendship. Have you considered taking a month long break from communicating with him so that you can focus on yourself. It seems that you would experience more balance and it would give you the chance to determine how you feel once you have had a real break from him. What do you think of that possibility?
Kanya
Hi Misty, Welcome to the forum. Just to clarify, are you actually his daughter’s nanny? If so, can you are more about that situation like how long you have worked for him, do you live with the family or are you just there during the say, how old is his daughter, etc? What is the age difference between you and him, if you don’t mind me asking?
Kanya
