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Hi Delana, Sounds like you found a happy compromise. And I agree, doing something small like wearing your hair down seems like a sweet way to nurture your relationship! I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?
Kanya
Hi Ekaterina, I love how confident you are feeling about things. I am excited for what the next stage will bring. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, I really acknowledge you for trying different things at this point. I will say that I agree with Heidi in that texting, or even a phone conversation, is not the same as meeting and interacting with someone. Of course a first conversation might seem boring. The two of you don’t know anything about each other yet. It is going to take time to build rapport with someone, to find a grove in conversation and other things.
You mention that you are looking for someone who is 40 or 41 and this new guy is 43. That isn’t a big age difference. The thing is, if we have too many rules we will rule out a lot of great guys. I would look at the possibility of putting some rules aside so that you can be open to meeting new people. Often the person we end up with his different than the person we thought we would end up with.
So, how is your interaction with your ex these days? Is it possible that you could initiate a get together? Maybe meeting for coffee or a walk. Something low key and friendly to see how it feels to hang out again? Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Latisha, I really acknowledge you for trying different things at this point. I will say that I agree with Heidi in that texting, or even a phone conversation, is not the same as meeting and interacting with someone. Of course a first conversation might seem boring. The two of you don’t know anything about each other yet. It is going to take time to build rapport with someone, to find a grove in conversation and other things.
You mention that you are looking for someone who is 40 or 41 and this new guy is 43. That isn’t a big age difference. The thing is, if we have too many rules we will rule out a lot of great guys. I would look at the possibility of putting some rules aside so that you can be open to meeting new people. Often the person we end up with his different than the person we thought we would end up with.
So, how is your interaction with your ex these days? Is it possible that you could initiate a get together? Maybe meeting for coffee or a walk. Something low key and friendly to see how it feels to hang out again? Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Latisha, I really acknowledge you for trying different things at this point. I will say that I agree with Heidi in that texting, or even a phone conversation, is not the same as meeting and interacting with someone. Of course a first conversation might seem boring. The two of you don’t know anything about each other yet. It is going to take time to build rapport with someone, to find a grove in conversation and other things.
You mention that you are looking for someone who is 40 or 41 and this new guy is 43. That isn’t a big age difference. The thing is, if we have too many rules we will rule out a lot of great guys. I would look at the possibility of putting some rules aside so that you can be open to meeting new people. Often the person we end up with his different than the person we thought we would end up with.
So, how is your interaction with your ex these days? Is it possible that you could initiate a get together? Maybe meeting for coffee or a walk. Something low key and friendly to see how it feels to hang out again? Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Trudi, Wow, this has been quite a journey for the two of you. It is understandable for you to be questioning things at this point since you’ve been through so much together and on your own. I’m wondering if the two of you have been seeing a therapist through out this process. There were things that led up to the affair that will need to be explored to avoid that type of break from occurring again. There are also ways that a therapist could help the two of you really rebuild so that you can experience a deeper level of connection. Doing so will ensure that you are both getting what you need in the relationship.
It’s interesting, you ask when it is time to pull the plug but from all accounts you are happy with the relationship. Why are you thinking of pulling the plug? Is it because you are concerned that he is going to pull the plug first?
Kanya
Hi Ekaterina, I can understand the tendency to think that he withdrew because he saw something he didn’t like but i do see a pattern in this person. He comes on strong, withdraws, comes on strong, withdraws. As James said, perhaps he is more interested in the thrill of the chase because each time the two of you started to become closer he withdrew. Please don’t take his actions and behavior personally. Trust that the timing was off and that this person isn’t ready, for whatever reason, to get involved in something serious. That is actually a good thing. For you to get involved with someone new at this point could only lead to a big, complicated mess.
This is the time to be gentle with yourself. Spend time with family and friends who remind you of how amazing you are. Sort out the marriage and if you decide to end it, take the time you need to really let go, rediscover yourself, and move on. It will take some time but then you will be ready for something new.
Kanya
Hi Nikolera, I hope you are enjoying your time in the US and that your move is going smoothly. My guess is it is not a surprise that the email was sent. You had a clear intention to share that with him and your unconscious mind got on board. In the future, when you are working on an email, put your name in the address line rather than the person you are sending it to. That way you won’t send it accidentally.
Thank you for sending the link to your web site. It is a beautiful site and clearly you spend a lot of time and energy crafting it. Since I can’t read the material I cannot say when it will be time to share this with him. You need to think about what is on there and how he has responded to that content in the past. Trust your gut to know who he is and how he will respond based on past experience. My sense is you are more turned in to who he is than you realize! Safe travels and keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Linda, I can understand your frustration. It is difficult to want to be close to someone when he is not able to willing. Sometimes it is life that intervenes and that can be even more frustrating. It is important to know how to take responsibility for your actions while still realizing that you do not have power over everything. Being in a LDR is stressful, even for those who are really good at it. It takes not just the ability to communicate and stay connected but also the ability to tolerate long stretches of not being connected. It sounds like this is the difficult part for you. When he is away his focus seems to be on work, not the relationship. I can understand that this is frustrating and it seems like this is how him mind works at this point.
You mention you think he might be angry with you for mentioning that other guys are showing interest in you. In the past, what was his process to get over being upset with you? Does this situation look similar to those times? Perhaps he needs some time to process but work is in the forefront for him. You mention that you have been on and off in this LDR for 3 years. Is there an end in sight the the distance? Are one of you planning to move closer to the other? The reason I ask is that 3 years is a long time to be in a LTR, especially since it has been on and off. Are you both ready to consolidate and live closer to see if this can work long term?
Kanya
Hi Joy, So slow down. You have only been dating for a few months. It makes sense that you both need to learn how to work things out. It remains to be seen if the two of you will learn to do that together in a way that works for both of you. Yes, I think you will need to be the one who reaches out at this point. Yes that is frustrating but that seems to be the person that he is. Remember, when you talked about this before he did step up which is great. Rather than sending him communication that tells him how you are feeling right now (I think this might overwhelm him further) I would reach out as though everything is fine. Just a short text saying that you hope his week is going well, etc.
the reason is I think the two of you need some positive interaction before working this through. I actually have a sense that he needs to work some things through on his own as this is currently his style. But, after he reconnects and the two of you are in a better place, that would be the time to talk about this. Does that make sense? It is difficult if not impossible to have a conversation of any substance when someone is moving away from you. Usually this will just make them run faster. Instead, respect that he needs space to process, give him a little space, then reconnect.
There is a great book that I think might be helpful for you. It’s called “A Fine Romance” by Judith sills. In it she explains the 5 steps a couple needs to achieve to get to a solid, stable, and committed relationship. I think it would be helpful to understand as you seem to be having difficulty getting past the first and second stage. Please give it a read and see if it applies! For now. slow your roll. He’s always come back in the past. I think he may need some time to process. Does he still go to therapy? It might be helpful for him to have someone to talk all this through with. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Nikolera, I’m sorry all of this is happening and that the two pf you continue to struggle to connect in a supportive manner. My thinking is similar to what Heidi shared. Giving him space and moving on might be more powerful than continuing to push for more at this time. That being said, if you really feel called to send him the letter make sure you remove anything from the letter that points to getting back together. Why? Because right now he is reacting in a negative manner to you when you do so and I would hate to have you feel even worse that you already do due to any bullying he might do in response. Instead, send a letter that acknowledges these things and refrains from talking about a future together. Think of this as a first step in a long game to improving there relationship even if it is just as friends and coparents. How is your son doing with the separation? Is he spending any time with his father these days?
Kanya
Hi Mary, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your husband. It hasn’t been very long since he dies and I would imagine that you still are grieving in some ways. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and let yourself fully feel all of this. It will take some time but it is far better than holding the pain inside.
So, you and Wayne are living together and in a relationship but you wonder if he wants to commit. Well, living together is a commitment in and of itself. You share a life together and intimate day to day moments. This seems to be a good start. How long have the two of you been dating? How long have you lived together? Can you explain what your day to day connection is like as that says a lot about what a person is thinking and feeling. Since Wayne doesn’t verbalize his feelings much we may need to look to his behavior to get a better sense of what is going on for him.
Kanya
Hi Lisa, I can understand why this is frustrating for you. It sounds as though you might b ready for more than he is ready for. Wen the two of you first started dating did you clarify what you both were wanting in a relationship? If so, I wonder if things have changed for either of you? In my experience it is much harder for men who are divorced with children to incorporate a social life and relationship into their lives outside of their children. And, men are better at compartmentalizing things so they seem to be able to come and go and not notice the distance at times.
Is there a reason that you two have decided not to introduce each other to your children? After year it is usually something that has occurred already. I’m wondering if the two of you have shared any concerns you have about doing so? Is this part of the bigger picture of him not being ready to commit?
I have just a few questions that might help me get a clearer picture of things. What techniques have you used to pique his interests? Have you tried to ignore this hero instinct? When you are together do you find him to be fully present and engaged? How often does he initiate contact with you? Please feel free to share anything else that you think may be relevant. Looking forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Lisa, I can understand why this is frustrating for you. It sounds as though you might b ready for more than he is ready for. Wen the two of you first started dating did you clarify what you both were wanting in a relationship? If so, I wonder if things have changed for either of you? In my experience it is much harder for men who are divorced with children to incorporate a social life and relationship into their lives outside of their children. And, men are better at compartmentalizing things so they seem to be able to come and go and not notice the distance at times.
Is there a reason that you two have decided not to introduce each other to your children? After year it is usually something that has occurred already. I’m wondering if the two of you have shared any concerns you have about doing so? Is this part of the bigger picture of him not being ready to commit?
I have just a few questions that might help me get a clearer picture of things. What techniques have you used to pique his interests? Have you tried to ignore this hero instinct? When you are together do you find him to be fully present and engaged? How often does he initiate contact with you? Please feel free to share anything else that you think may be relevant. Looking forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, I understand how frustrating this can be! I acknowledge you for sticking with hit. I think there are a few things that may help. First, I don’t think you re going to feel a ‘connection’ from someone who emails you on a dating site. I think that you will feel curiosity about men which leads to meeting them and spending time together. That is when connection builds. And, for most of us we still don’t feel a deep connection until we have spent some time with someone. Think of the older man you are interested in. While you may have found him attractive initially, it took time together to develop a bigger interest. Many people make the mistake of only emailing with someone or only meeting them once and moving on because they don’t feel a connection. It will take some time to get to know someone before you know for sure if you are interested in them.
Have you rad James’ report “Dating Profile That Snag Real Men?” Take a look and see if he mentions anything that you would like to incorporate more or less of in your profile. Have you gotten involved in activities that you enjoy? Maybe a rock climbing club or a group that focuses time on charitable endeavors that are important to yo? Another things that comes to mind is planning a get together for single people. Invite your single friends and tell them they need to being another single friend of the opposite sex. Then, you have a room full of people who are interested in meeting someone new. And, there will already be things in common because you have mutual friends. Thoughts?
Kanya
