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Hi Latisha, I really get how difficult this is. Gove yourself more time and you will seen start to see the progress you have made. IF you feel it is best to send the photo and book please do so. I would jus suggest you make sure you don’t have any hidden agenda or expectation. Otherwise , his response to lack there of could also be hurtful. Keep taking care of you!!!
Kanya
Hi Karina, Yes, please do be guarded at this point. You haven’t ever been with this person face to face. You have no idea if what he is telling you is accurate in any way. I know people in the military and they don’t check your identity is you are friends with someone or even dating them. There is no reason for the military to be looking in to your background unless you work of the military.
You share that you like how your life would look with him but you can’t know that until you have spent a long time getting to know him. Please, slow things down. Don’t stop dating other people. Don’t put all your energy into someone you haven’t met yet. From the little that you share his story is completed and not very believable. You need tone very careful in this situation. DO not video chat one way with someone. Only video chat with someone who can do it as well. Yo shared first that the military took his cell phone. Now he is saying that he list it in combat. I think you need to carefully consider whether this person is who he says he is.
Kanya
Hi Laura, You mention that you have had trust issues in the past. My guess is this is part of the reason for him taking a stand at this time. As I shared above, if you show him the new you and build a friendship that on both sides, things could perhaps be rebuilt in the future.
Kanya
Hi Sharlene, It sounds like you have a great trip planned. And, I’m so pleased to hear that your friends are going with you. Since you ask, I think that it would be a good idea to skip Montenegro and add another city to your trip. Simply taking it off the agenda seems like a good idea and will certainly make things more simple. Yes, by July you will slightly healed but why add that complication to things? Why not just take it out of the running and then you can really let it go! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Latisha, You’re right, this will take time. That is something that we all deal with intros type of situation. I don’t think Heidi was telling you to flip a switch, what I hear is suggestions about what to do when you start to wonder or your thoughts take over. You can implement them if and when you like.
Please do keep asking for what you need and for support. We are here to help and support you. Please be gentle with yourself in all of this. Yes, it will take time but one day you will realize how much progress you have made. You are doing a great job!
Kanya
Trudi, This is wonderful! I am so happy to hear of the changes that you have worked hard to achieve.Isn’t it wonderful when our thoughts and feelings begin to speak to us in a loving and accepting way. In all my work with clients this is what I hope to help them achieve; radical self acceptance! How wonderful to hear that you are on your way with this. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself and motivated to keep going. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, You are so BRAVE! I really acknowledge you for opening up and really telling him how you were feeling. It sounds like it was really cathartic for you! Sometimes we just need to do that to be able to really let go. I can hear in your words that you are feeling stronger and more confident. Please celebrate this too as you worked hard to get to this place.
I am so excited for what is coming your way. Having spoken your truth you are now open to so much more the universe and God have to offer you. What do you think are the next steps to support yourself?
Kanya
Hi Laura, So it sounds like something about this really crossed a line for him. Do you think it was how you approached it? How difficult it was to believe him? Perhaps, because he is easy going, this situation was too dramatic or emotional for him. And, as I write this I am wondering if he ever shared that he needed less emotionality and more fun? For some men, a little emotion goes a long way. And, in my experience many couples sometimes have a difficult time learning to find the balance.
For now, the best thing you can do is continue to be his friend and show him the ways in which you are happy in your won life. If you focus on just rebuilding a connection, without talking about the past or the future, he will perhaps let his guard down. Then, over time he will see who you really are and that will be more irresistible than anything you can say! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, I understand your frustration. I remember feeling that way years ago. I really thought things weren’t going to change for me and I just couldn’t figure out why. Then, I read a book that was too helpful and amazing for me. It is called “Calling in the One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It helps you really get clear on what you want while letting go of the past. It helped you challenge ideas that might be making the process more difficult and gives a variety of exercises that will help you approach dating in a whole new light. I highly recommend you get it and start working your way through it.
When I have been trying to make something happen and feel like I keep hitting a wall I find it very helpful to find a different perspective. I’m wondering if that would be helpful to you at this point as well?
Kanya
Hi Sharlene, I’m glad to hear that you are realizing this is not a healthy relationship for you to continue in. I’ve had many clients who were involved with alcoholics and it is a very frustrating, confusing, and painful way to live. You shared that you haven’t taken about what happened but the reality is you talked about it every time he drank too much and became mean and difficult. Every time! You both know the main reason things ended was because of his drinking. I’m not sure what else there is to share that hasn’t already been said?
I can understand your desire to help him get to a better place. I see that you shared that you are the nurturer and care take-in your family so it is probably natural for you. The thing is, no one can get him to explore change until he is ready. That being said, if you want to email him something (this seems to be the best way for him to take information in and prices it) then maybe send him a brief email sharing your thoughts. Share simply what you think would be helpful and what you hope for him. Then, step back. Continue to move forward and find yourself. It has only been a few months and I would guess it will take at least a year for you to fully be ready for something new. You were together for 6.5 years. You can’t be ready to date after 2 months because you haven’t full let go of and grieved the relationship. Give yourself some time to be on your own and find yourself again. Take time to contemplate about the relationship and the ways in which you gave parts of yourself away. This is a vital step for you because you don’t want to fall into a similar situation in the future.
Do what you can to take amazing care of yourself. Surround yourself with family and friends who support your decision to move on and who help remind you on how amazing you are. You are at the beginning of a process so slow down and let yourself feel your feelings, even though they are difficult to deal at times.
I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Laura, Hmmmm. There are still a lot of questions about this. Can you please explain your situation more fully so that we can know how to really advise you? Thanks.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I’m sorry this is happening for you. You must be feeling so confused and frustrated. There are two things that are coming to mind that I want to share with you. First, this depression that he mentioned is a bit concerning. Do you know if this is something he has dealt with in the past? I’m wondering if he is just feeling down and as a result isn’t feeling excited about much in his life. He may be interpreting a lack of excitement overall to a lack of connection. When someone is depressed their ability to connect is challenged. Please share any more that you know about a history he may have with these types of moods. Usually, people will bounce back from this with time. When he does, he will start to feel more in all areas of his life and may be open to reconnecting.
Next, it seems like he may have gotten a bit freaked out by how he was feeling and how well things were going. I know that sounds weird because who wouldn’t want things to go well but for some people it can create a lot of discomfort. They may start to expect that amazing feeling will be present all the time. They may get ahead of themselves and start to wonder about the future. They may question if they have what it takes to go the distance with this, or any, person. Given that he was feeling a connection for the first 2 months and they wasn’t, well many things could have contributed to that.
I think that you shared some good insight in terms of triggering his hero instinct and goal setting. I would certainly reach out after a week or two with a text that does ignite his hero instinct. Keep it simple and light and don’t bring up the relationship. Just ask for his advice or assistance with something and then share how helpful his response was. Then wait another 2 weeks and send him a light hearted text that is simple and reminds him of how much fun the two of you had together. My sense is, as he comes out of this hole he is currently in he will reach out to you if he thinks it is safe to do so.
Also, have you read the Relationship Rewrite? I think it might shed some light on the situation and give you some ideas regarding how to proceed and rebuild things. It’s not time to panic. Instead, just see this as a stage you are moving through individually and together. Give it some time for his upset or anxiety to pass and then see if you can take more steps forward. thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Elizabeth, I’m sorry things have been so difficult. We are happy to support you in any way we can. If you would like to have your posts deleted please reach out to customer service and they will assist you.
Thanks,
KanyaHi Melissa, I am so sorry that this is happening. There is nothing worse that an unexpected break up. I think it would be helpful if you shared some more information. What was the reason he said he wanted to end things? Was there a disagreement that occurred prior to the break up that upset him or you? Did you guys have your first fight or say things that were hurtful to each other? Did either of you do something that was upsetting to the other? Please share what ever information seems like it could be helpful. Thanks!
Kanya
