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Hi Korina, I am concerned that you are ‘with’ a person that you have never met. At this point all you know about him is what he has told you. unfortunately there are many dishonest people in this world and it is impossible to know who he is. Please guard your heart and your safety at this point. Don’t share any personal info like your social security number, financial information, etc. Don’t lend him money. Be smart about this as you are special and need to be safe until you meet this person, and other people in his life, and can see who he actually is. Even if you were spending time with him it would take months and a lot of experience to truly get to know him. Please go slow and be safe.
Is he still planning on visiting soon?
Kanya
Wow, first I really want to acknowledge your for how you handled this situation. You really stayed calm and keep to the point. You must have done a great job communicating because he clearly felt safe enough to tell you what was happening and to open up to you. This really says a lot about the both of you and your relationship. Many couples would have crashed and burned in this same scenario under the difficult of this conversation. Kudos to the both of you!
It is interesting that you said you aren’t sure where this leaves things because it seems like things are in a good place for the two of you. You heard each other out, he understands how hurtful this is for you, and is open to ending his relationship with her. That seems like a list of wins to me. I wonder, are there still some unanswered questions? Anything that you are still concerned about in all of this? Perhaps you are still processing what he shared. When you’ve rested a bit and process a bit more please check in so we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, it makes a lot of sense that you are still absorbing the fact that things are over. It does take time for our brain to process such a big change. As Heidi shared, it will just take time for this to feel like the new norm. I also have faith that you will find the right balance for connection. By that I mean you will figure out how often you want to connect with him and catch up and how long you want to go without connecting. This is the type of situation that you need to live with for awhile before you can really know what it will be like.
The good news is, you are really aware in all of this and clearly paying attention to your gut. If you continue to do this, over time things will easily fall into place. Remember to keep taking care of yourself and be gentle in this process. We’re here to support you in any way we can!
Kanya
Hi Cherie, Hmmmm. It is interesting that you chose a man who was really clear from the beginning that he had set clear limits on what he wanted with a woman. This isn’t someone who just wants a casual relationship. This is someone that doesn’t want deep feelings from himself or anyone. Given that, I think you may have your work cut out for you. We just can’t be sure if he is capable of more, even if you do all the things we know make men fall in love.
That being said, what reports have you read on this site? One thing that I recommend you read immediately is “His Secret Obsession.” It brings together a lot of different ideas and proven methods to help you get and keep his attention on a deeper level. I would recommend you start there. Read it through once then go back to the beginning and start to implement some of the techniques. Really pay attention to which ones have an impact on your guy and which ones don’t. Over time you will learn what behavior/language/techniques give you the most leverage in this situation. I would also make sure you are implementing the respect principle consistently. This is going to be especially important for this guy. As you do this please keep checking in so we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Cherie, Hmmmm. It is interesting that you chose a man who was really clear from the beginning that he had set clear limits on what he wanted with a woman. This isn’t someone who just wants a casual relationship. This is someone that doesn’t want deep feelings from himself or anyone. Given that, I think you may have your work cut out for you. We just can’t be sure if he is capable of more, even if you do all the things we know make men fall in love.
That being said, what reports have you read on this site? One thing that I recommend you read immediately is “His Secret Obsession.” It brings together a lot of different ideas and proven methods to help you get and keep his attention on a deeper level. I would recommend you start there. Read it through once then go back to the beginning and start to implement some of the techniques. Really pay attention to which ones have an impact on your guy and which ones don’t. Over time you will learn what behavior/language/techniques give you the most leverage in this situation. I would also make sure you are implementing the respect principle consistently. This is going to be especially important for this guy. As you do this please keep checking in so we can support you!
Kanya
Got it! I’m excited for your ordination. It sounds like it is a really important step for you. Focusing on that for now seems like a great decision. Let us know how it goes!
Kanya
Hi Latisha, Here is the thing, thinking about sending that memory book keeps the connection going. You are still, in some way, relying on him to feel some sort of closure. I suggest you make a decision about that book then let the whole thing go rather than continuing to ponder this. The door is staying open because if this and I wonder if that is making it more difficult for you to move on! Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lone, think it is time to talk to him without the aid of alcohol. Be straight with him, send a text saying something like “I realize now I wasn’t always fair with you. I’m sorry that my behavior was confusing and probably frustrating. If you’re open, I’d love to meet for coffee and clarify some things. I know you’ve probable;y over on but I would appreciate the opportunity to meet one more time.”
Then wait and see if he is open to that. My sense is he will be as the request is respectful. Then, tell him how you really feel. Let him know what you regret and what you would do differently given another opportunity with him. He may not answer in the moment but your words all linger with him and I promise he will think about them. If in the end he is not open then it sounds like it is time to move on. The two of you may have been through too much to actually be able to trust each other on a deep level. Either way, you will have your answer which I think will being you some kind of closure in this situation. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Christine, Wow, you really have been through a lot. It sounds like you are seeing that being with someone who is perpetually on the fence isn’t a good place for you to be. One thing that really struck me was that you were willing to stay with this man even when there were a lot of red flags in the beginning. This is important for you to see. When there are red flags we need to stop and assess. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” You are a good person and it seems as though you try to see the potential in people versus seeing people for who they currently are. This is something to pay attention to. When someone lies to you or makes it clear that they can’t commit to someone long term, can’t see themselves marrying, run. Don’t waste a second of your time trying to help this person. You deserve more then they will be able to give you.
There are two great books that I encourage you to look into; “How to be an Adult” and “How to be an Adult in Relationship.” While I’m not a huge fan of the book titles, what is contained in them in gold. It will help you get a better picture of what a healthy, adult relationship looks like. This could help you recognize some of your blind spots but will also lay out what is realistic and necessary to expect in another person. I think you would really find them useful.
I know that you want to do things differently moving forward and I encourage that. Rather than thinking you need to do a huge overhaul of yourself, think of it in terms of making small tweaks as you go. Be open to learning about yourself and the nature pf relationships and just go a step at a time. You will absolutely get there!
Kanya
Hi Vanessa, Please don’t be hard of yourself. Everyone experiences this to one degree or another. When we meet someone we feel a connection with, the anxiety can be heightened. I don’t know of anyway to block the thoughts and feelings but there are ways to work with them. While it is natural to dream you could tell yourself things like: I just met this person, I don’t really know who he is yet or if I could love him long term, It’s nice to dream a bit but I need to keep some perspective, etc. Any sort of dreaming you are doing about someone new is all a fantasy because you don’t really know them. It you keep reminding yourself that it is a fantasy, and something that you will create with someone one day, even if it is not with this person, it can help you keep perspective.
Also realize that you will create a far healthier relationship if you move slowly. You don’t want to be overly connected too quickly because that usually leads to a boomerang effect; too much closeness first followed by too much distance. It’s much easier to tolerate the middle of the road in terms of closeness. Be willing to be busy once in awhile so that you aren’t as available. When you are having the first few dates be sure to make plans with friends in the days following the date so that you have healthy distractions!
Remind yourself that a guy needs more time thinking about this on his own than you do but that if there is a connection he will contact you! And, if he or anyone else doesn’t ask for a second date, then trust that this was not the guy for you and move on. I often tell my clients that Mr. Right might be the 5th or 8th or 20th guy you date but if you get stuck on one who doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you then you never get to your guy. I hope you are still dating other men and getting out there. You have so much to offer and it is far too early to try to be focused on one person. You are doing great!
Kanya
Hi Vernetta, I’m so glad that you are on the forum. It sounds like an exciting time for you. So, how are you meeting single men these days? Work, gym, church? What are you working with?
Kanya
HI Vanessa, So glad you are reaching out for some ideas. I support what Heidi shared and I think that you are dong an amazing job with all of this. I noticed that you mentioned you have a fear of rejection and I can totally understand that. There is a great book that might help you with that. It is called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. In it she describes the different stages of building a relationship as well as the things that can get in the way. I think you would get a lot out of reading it. In particular she talked about how to manage rejection more effectively and take it less personally.
I will say that one way to make this feel less like a roller coaster is to take your time and not get attached to anyone until you are actually building something together. In the first few months you are still getting to know each other. The chemical reaction can get in the way of seeing who someone really is. So, take it slowly, don’t get attached to the person or the relationship prematurely. It will make you feel more confident and in control of your emotions. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Darlene, I agree, a date is just a date…sometimes. You are in such a guarded place I’m guess that you won’t be able to develop anything significant at this time. You have to be ready to really let go and let someone in and the is just going to take some time. I would use this time as a way, like you said, to develop confidence in yourself. open up to dating outside your ‘type’ and see if there are other types of meant that interest you. You mentioned above that you are a little shy. Use this as an opportunity to open up more step by step and develop more confidence in who you are. I definitely suggest you take opportunities to step outside of your comfort zone as this is a way we open experience a lot of emotional and psychological growth.
I would also take plenty of time for self care. This is also a way in which you will develop more confidence. As you learn to honor yourself ad put yourself first a new kind of strength all develop inside your heart. I know this is difficult but it is also a very exciting time. You are rewriting your future, really standing up and advocating for what you want, that is amazing. You are amazing! I’m excited to see where this takes you. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
