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Hi Makayla, I’m so proud of you for getting back into dating. I know it can be difficult after such a long time. The fact that he is opening up to you is a very good sign. Have you continued to be open with him as well?
I’d like to get some additional information and context so that we can more fully support you. How long were the two of you dating before the argument? How long have you been doing the friends with benefits thing?
Kanya
Hi Ulandi, If you want him back you need to be willing to accept that he will continue to date other women. If you re okay with that, then there are a few things that you can do.
First, I would think about what has happened that didn’t work for him and then apologize for it. Whatever the extreme behavior was on your part, let him know that you are sorry that you snooped and share your intentions for the future. Remember, you will not be trusting him to be honest or faithful as he has already proven multiple times that he is not capable of these things. Instead, you will be promising to not snoop knowing that he will continue to be with other women. You asked how to pursue him. Actually, you don’t want to pursue him. You want to be irresistible so that he starts to pursue you. I will say that many of the techniques on this site may not work with him as he is wired differently than most men. He doesn’t appear to be someone who wants a loving and committed relationship. On the contract, he seems to want his freedom to be with other women and say he is in a relationship. Are you interested in having an open relationship where you both have the freedom to date and sleep with other people? Some people are able to do this and it works, others find it too difficult but it is something to consider. I would stop pushing for a future and simply let him know that you care for him and would like things to move forward. At that point I would consider taking some space of your own. Right now the direction of the interactions is you pursuing and him fleeing. If you stop pursuing, eventually he will notice and may begin to pursue again. In that way the direction changes to your favor.
If you are not okay with with him continuing his behavior, then I respectfully suggest you not rekindle this relationship as he will continue to cheat and if that doesn’t work for you, you will be in for a whole lot of pain and suffering. Also, you will grow to doubt yourself wondering why he isn’t happy with you. In reality, this isn’t about you or any other woman-it is about him and his inability to commit to being with one person. He just ins’t capable of it. He doesn’t think this is a problem there for it will not change. I’m curious, why did you contact his ex-wife about this. And, did you conversation clarify anything about this person for you? I think the reason he is leaving you in limbo is because he is treating you like other women i his life. He promises things but doesn’t deliver. He keeps you interested by never fully committing or ending the relationship. It seems like there is always a chance but I wonder if there really is or if this is just the game he is used to playing.
I’m curious…what do you miss about the relationship and how long has it been since that was the norm? Meaning, do you miss his undecided attention? How long has it been since he was giving that to you. And, at what point in the relationship did you start to wonder about his communication with other women? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Aysegul, You have been on quite a journey! I need to echo Heidi, you clearly are grounded, intelligent, and reasonable. I acknowledge you for trusting yourself and your gut and knowing that it is time to move on!
I imagine that talking about it any more at this point doesn’t make a lot of sense. It seems as though the two of you have attempted to talk things through and things continue to get muddled. It sounds as though you are clear about what happened and what will likely happen if the two of you get back together.
Unfortunately he has a hole inside of him that only he can fill. He won’t be able to fill that space with all the attention he can muster on social media. That space can only be filled by him getting honest with himself and healing himself from his past hurts.
I know it is difficult to make the transition out of a relationship. Please know that your life without him does not suck! You are the same amazing person you were before him. It’s just that your brain wired to him in a form of attachment and that is why this feels so bad. It is important that you really love and nurture yourself at this time. Rebuilding and deepening the bond with yourself will go a long way to helming right now.
I’ve found something that can really help in these situations. When you think of him and feel the loss, imagine what you would be feeling if you were with him. Then, help yourself feel that. For example, if you are wanting him to call imagine how you would feel if he did. Would you feel important? Loved? Special? Do something to help yourself feel that way. That something could be saying kind things to yourself, wrapping your arms around you and telling yourself how lovable you are. Then, take it a step further and think of the evidence you have that supports how lovable you are. Think of as much evidence as you can and get used to loving yourself up as much as possible. Over time it will help the part of you that feels as though something is missing.
we want our romantic relationship to compliment our lives versus making them. Feeling that self love and compassion is important to build even when you are in a relationship in the future. It really helps weather the ups and downs that come from life and relationships.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, That is a great list of desires and also intentions. I have found that when we are willing to become the person we are looking for, possessing the qualities and values we seek in another, it is much easier to connect on a deep level. I really acknowledge you for continuing to move forward! I wish all of my clients were as willing and brave as you. I’m so glad that you met someone you respect and enjoy being with. Please do keep us posted as you move forward and things unfold!
Kanya
Hi Sandy, I’m glad to hear that you are feeling more clarity in this situation. I know that it can be incredibly confusing when you learn that someone doesn’t have the same feelings and interest as you do. It sounds like you may be ready to move on from this person. I love the idea that you have been dating and it sounds as though you are excited for the possibilities with the other men you are dating. If you want any support in being open and expressive as you move forward please feel free to write in of support and ideas.
Kanya
Hi Jayshree, I would start by igniting his hero instinct. This of something that you can ask his opinion on or something that he could help you with. Then, send him a text that simply says “I need your help.” Once he responds, ask for what you need. Then, be very thankful to him. It is important that he know that you need him in some way as that is important to most men.
Next, think about any reason he shared that he can’t be in a relationship with you. Think about anything that he alluded to that may have upset him or hurt his feelings. Then, take ownership of that and apologize. Be empathetic with his experience. Don’t do it with the thoughts of getting back together, just do it because you want him to really know that you understand and respect him. Is there anything he has shared that was bothering him about the relationship
?Kanya
Hi Peggy, I agree that the diagnosis did throw a wrench into things. I’m sorry this happened as it seemed as though the two of you have a good connection. You mention that he said he needs to get some things in order before he can focus on the relationship. Do you think this is what he is doing currently? I can’t imagine all that he is going through at this time and I can’t imagine how difficult things are for you as well.
I think you are doing the right thing i terms of giving him space for now. My guess is his actions will show you most clearly what he is able to give at this time. I am glad to know that there are other options out there should you decide to move on. Again, none of this is easy. Probably best to take it a day at a time and be realistic of your expectations of him as well as yourself!
Kanya
Hi Mavis, Wow, you go girl! I really acknowledge you for the ways in which you are opening up and applying the feedback and information. That says a lot about your commitment to yourself and your dreams. Well done! I think you are on track with giving him some space before initiating a conversation. Please keep us posted as we are here to help!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, there is so much going on in this situation. Having a gun cocked and ready is a dangerous thing and one that you need to take seriously. She could have killed you that day thinking you were an intruder. Please be careful here. I think it is going to be difficult for him to make anyone or any relationship a priority when he is trying to save his life. Be aware of that. Is his profile still on Match? Are you dating anyone else at this time?
When you started to date him what was your goal, your desire? Is it for a committed, long term relationship? Can this man give that to you? What do you think your life will be like in the next 6-24 months if his health continues to decline? I know it could feel difficult to think of yourself right now given what he is dealing with but I do think it is important to make really conscious decisions about how YOU would like to proceed.
Kanya
Hi Jayshree, There is no doubt that this is going to be difficult. Break ups are easier when we can clean the slate and move on but in this situation you are going to have to see him at work. Who is your support system at this time? Friends? A counselor? You need someone to talk to and someone who can help you grieve the loss of this and move on.
It is interesting that you had a 5 year relationship with him even though you are married to someone else. I wonder about the degree to which this man was a necessary distraction from your marriage or other things in life that aren’t working for you? We all do this at times and it might be the reason why it now feels like you are missing a limb. The truth is, you were a whole person before him and are still a whole person. Our brains get attached in a lovely way to the people we love. When it is time to let go it is very painful to do so. I promise that it will not feel this way forever. I think it is important for you to look at the structure of your life and decide if this is how you want to live-having a boyfriend you see infrequently when you re living with your husband. That must have been difficult at times and I imagine it was difficult for your BF as well.
I would take this time for you to heal and feel whole again. There is a grieving process and you will feel sadness, anger, and disbelief. Eventually you will be at peace with this. When you are ready I encourage you to do some soul searching about your future so that you can create what it is you truly want and deserve.
Be sure to be gentle with yourself and get support. While this is painful now, moving through it will lessen the pain and help ou see clearly again. WE are here to help and support you! Who else is on your support team these days?
Kanya
Hi Jayshree, I am so sorry that this is h happening. I can understand how painful this is and how confusing. It sounds like the hardest part for you is understanding how he can go from being in love to loving you in a sisterly way. When James asked about the chemistry, and you answered, that to me is the main difference between the two types of love. If he no longer feels the chemistry, which can change over time, then this probably is what he is referring to. He loves you, but isn’t feeling chemistry to be lovers any more. I know this is difficult to understand, especially when your feelings have not changed.
You mention that the two of you haven’t been together since September of 2017. By my calculations, that is about 7 months. A lot can change in 7 months. Since September, have the 2 of you attempted to get together and have intimate time together? Over the course of the past 5 years did the two of you see each other and connect physically more often than that? Even though he just ended the relationship, when did you first notice him pulling away physically? I’m trying to get a sense of the arch of the relationship. If you haven’t been together for 7 months my sense is things fell apart during the course of that time. I’m looking forward to hearing more. Thanks.
Kanya
Hi Sharlene, I so acknowledge your attitude in all of this. Rather than getting stuck, you are embracing growth and change and doing an excellent job of it. I’m glad to hear that you have a date set for the weekend. I think it will be good for you to get out and begin to meet some new men and see what type of man is a good fit for you at this stage in your life! Please keep us posted!!!
Kanya
Hi Sharlene, I want to echo Heidis works, I am so proud of you. It is not an easy task learning to move forward but you are doing an amazing job. It sounds like you are learning to love and nurture yourself. In doing do you are gaining greater clarity of yourself, your ex, and the situation. Well done!
in terms of staying friends with this person, the question that comes to mind is Why? I hear that you want to be friends but I’m not sure the degree to which this person could actually be a good and true friend. In my experience, trying the be friends with an ex is very difficult on many levels. If this is something you want to consider, I suggest you wait at least 6 months then talk only occasionally. By that I mean maybe once every month or so. If you start to notice and feelings for him I would end the friendship. The last thing I want is for you to get stuck in a situation where you are still trying to help him, even if only as a friend.
Kanya
Hi Mitali, I am so sorry that all of this is happening. It sounds as though the birth of your son has changed the dynamic between you and your husband to a large degree. While all births bring change, this one seems to be bigger than usually. I will say that I am only a bit familiar with your culture in terms of relationships. My understanding is that men are the dominant partners in a marriage in India. Can you confirm this?
First, does he think that hitting you was the wrong approach? How did your parents respond to his behavior? Are you able to leave if he does this again? At a minimum, can you and the baby go stay with your family for a few days while things cool down? I ask these questions because I want to learn more about your culture and what your rights are. Do you think that the reason he hit you was because he felt disrespected? I’m not saying that this makes it okay for him to hit you, I don’t think there is ever a reason to hit your spouse, I’m just trying to figure out the trigger. My guess is he felt disrespected in some way, and has set that in the past, and so he lashed out. Think about how the two o you speak to each other these days. Is it possible that the two of you have stopped being respectful after so much conflict? If so I encourage you to start to engage the respect principle. This allows the two of you to talk about difficult things is a calm and respectful manner. This is going to be important as the two of you move forward.
Next, it sounds as though having a child is not something that he wanted. Now that the child is here, he loves him, but I get the sense he does not like the way this has affected his life. There is a tremendous loss of freedom when a child is born. It also impacts the connection between the couple. It sounds as though he might miss his alone time with you and miss being nurtured by you. Can you see how you have changed how you treat him since the baby was born? Are there things you used to do for him and with him that you could start to do again?
Many men have a difficult time being second to a child all the time. And, if parents and in-laws are there constantly there is an even larger loss of freedom. To start, can you suggest that on certain days of the week the 3 of you are together as a family and there are no grandparents allowed? I know this could be a difficult boundary to set in your culture but I think it might help the two of you reconnect. Right now the focus needs to be keeping the 3 of you intact and connected. I would refrain from saying negative things about his family. Instead just focus on the need for the three of you to have time together.
It sounds that part of what has bothered him about this is that you are no longer working. Now that your baby is a year old do you have plans to return to work in the near future. Perhaps he is feeling financial pressure that can be elevated with additional income. It sounds as though there is extended family that can watch your son while you are at work. Can you share more of what you are thinking about your work and career?
Finally, I would focus some energy on nurturing yourself. This will help you stay calm with your husband and learn what to let go of and what to pursue. Do you have counselors or therapist in your country that can help the two of you get back on track? Many couples benefit from this after the birth of a child. There is more that I want to share but I want to give you a chance to respond to my thoughts and questions first. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Korina, Please do not give that man your bank or financial information. And, do not take his bank log in information. There is not reason for the two of you to be exchanging any info related to finances. Please, be as careful as you can possibly be here. There are too many red flags. You referred to something his mother said, have you actually met her in person?
Kanya
