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Hi Sandra, That is disappointing. I can understand it if you are feeling confused. It would help me now how to support you if I knew more about the situation. Were the two of you dating, seeing each other in person, spending time getting to know each other? What was the relationship like? Had the two of you talked about spending more time together? Any additional information you can share would be helpful! Looking forward cohering back from you.
Kanya
Hi Laura, Wow, That is quite a story. I am so sorry that this is the path that he has chosen to go down. I think he may be going through a mid-life crisis sort of event. Anyone can go through this, usually in their 40’s or 50’s. When this occurs we begin to long for our youth and embrace anything that reminds us of that time or helps us feel young again. It sounds as though reconnecting with his friend has helped him feel something that he needs to feel. Unfortunately he isn’t looking for other experiences to awaken these feelings. In sounds as though he is running into a fire with this situation. He is on their property, her husband is still present. Does the husband know about their relationship? I guess I’m wondering how all of that works and perhaps you are not clear yourself.
I can only imagine how hurt and confused you are. That is probably a gross understatement. My guess is, she has managed to ignite his hero instinct and that is what has sealed him in. My first question is, have you let yourself need him in the past few years? Does he know his value in your relationship? Does he feel like he is a vital part of your life? I would slow down and see this as a long game. By that I mean it could take some time for him to realize that he can have all he wants in the relationship with you. First, begin to invite his hero instinct by asking for his help. I would refrain from asking for his help in understanding why he is doing this or what the future holds. Instead, ask for his help in tangible ways; moving piece of furniture, remembering the name of a restaurant you really liked, etc. Then, when he helps be happy and grateful. I know that might seem difficult at this time but it is important.
When men leave their wives it is usually because the new woman makes them feel important and special in some way. This tends to dissipate in a long terms relationship so it is vital to start to do the things to make him feel that way again. Let me know if that makes sense and if you have any questions.
I hope that you are doing all you can to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Have you create a strong support system for yourself? It is vital that you spend time with people who remind yo of how amazing you are at this time! What are you doing to stay calm and focused during this difficult time?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, I know it’s just been a few days but how are you doing? I was heartened by your response and your clear commitment to do things differently. I know that takes a lot of courage and a lot of trust in yourself. Keep up the great work and please keep us posted. We are here to support and guide you!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, You make a really good point about time. You will naturally calm down and be more collected. Getting to that place is always a good idea. I like the message that you are planning to communicate. I suggest you communicate on the phone rather than text when ever possible. Texting just leads to too much misunderstanding. Research shows that our filters misread intentions and tone in text. Having the human connection of hearing someones voice, tone, intonation, etc is very important. What are you thinking of asking help for?
Kanya
Hi Helen, I think that once you are in a better place you could send him a more friendly text. He may or may not respond for several reasons. YEs, he might still be angry but also he might feel conflicted talking to you when he is in another relationship. So I would not take it personally.
What was the reason his relationship with his ex went south? I’m wondering if they are going to face the same challenges and what will possibly be different this time. Can you share more about that? It will help me with ideas about how to move forward. Thanks, I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Amy, While it is great that you are open to advice and ideas from others, in the end you need to trust your gut. If you are concerned then do reach out to him. You’ve already let him know that you are there if he wants to talkI would start by igniting his hero instinct. Text “I need your help” and when he responds, as for his help with something tangible or even just ask for his advice about something. This is a great way to open up the lines of communication. After he responds, give him a big thank you then step back. Usually a man will wait to hear more but when he doesn’t he often reaches out. Be light and fun and DO NOT talk about the relationship at this stage. You want to remind him of how much he cares for you and how much he enjoyed spending time with you.
When it is clear that he is pursuing you a bit then suggest you meet for coffee or a drink. Something easy and decide how much time you will spend with him ahead of time. So, if you go for a walk be clear that you need to leave by a certain time to go spend time with family or friends and stick to that. Leave him wanting more time with you is vital.
It is going to take time and a significant amount of patience to get things back on track. It is important that you keep things light for now. He is more likely to open up when things are light then when he is aware of your disappointment. Finally, I would encourage you to STOP having serious conversations about anything via text. Relationships are too important to do this via text. I know that it is difficult but have these conversations in person. The way you can see each others facial expressions, hear the tone of their voice, etc. Texting may feel less vulnerable but people often take things too far in a text. Instead, talk in person. If he initiates a serious conversation via text, let him know that you aren’t comfortable talking about really important things via text and suggest a call or meeting for coffee.
I know this is a lot of information. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, ugh I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can only imagine how frustrating and confusing this much be for you. I have a few questions;
Has he ever done something like this in the past?
What occurred leading up to this that may have upset him or confused him?
Have you see each other more than the one time you mentioned above?Have you been direct with him about his behavior? You could do it easily in a non-egressive manner. You are texting, and he is responding, so perhaps initiate a phone conversation. After the initial check in on the phone, how are you, how is work, etc. You can mention that he seems off. Let him know that you are sorry if you did anything that triggered him distancing and let him know that you are open to talking about it when he is ready. He may take advantage of the time on the phone to talk about it and he may need more time to process. Having this type of gently conversation goes a long way to showing him that you are not abusive and that you can weather the ups and downs of a relationship.
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, Wow, this sounds really confusing. On the one hand you feel clear emotions when he says insensitive things to you, on the other hand he says that he isn’t doing that. A difference of opinion NEVER means that someone is crazy. It is vital that you not believe him when he says this. You are having a difference of opinion and both off your points are valuable.
So, it is important for you to do a few things. First, trust your gut in terms of what is happening. You know that some times he is unconscious at times and that is real. Next, try not to take what he says personally. I don’t think he means to be hurtful, I just think he sees things differently than you do. Every relationship will have things that you can change and improve as well as things that will never change that you will just need to accept. Is this something that you can accept about him? If he really isn’t seeing other woman, if he really is just saying things that are insensitive, can you accept that? I know that may sound strange. The challenge is, the more you try to convince him that he is ‘wrong’ the more he is going to push back.
Are there other ways that you have tried to approach this when it occurs? Have you two ever been able to laugh about it, joke about his tendency to do this? Have you been able to simply share that what he said was insensitive then let it go so that he had time to think about it. I’m curious to hear if you’ve been able to deal with it more successfully in the past?
Have you noticed if he does this with other people i.e.; saying whatever comes into his mind? I’m wondering if this is part of his nature or something he does exclusively to you. It is a tall order to learn not to take these things personally. It may just not work for you and if that is the case it is important to honor that. Not taking it personally means not feeling that trigger internally, not feeling bad about yourself or questioning yourself. If this is not something you can do then I would seriously consider if this is the right person for you. Over time I imagine that your confidence level will go down and you will start to feel crazy. That is a terrible feeling and not one that I would wish on you or anyone. Can you clarify how long the two of you have been together? Do you live together? Please share additional information that you think would be helpful. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
you go girl! I think that hiding your instagram stories is a good idea. I like that you are moving forward and keeping your door open to new possibilities. Dating today is different. One of the benefits is that there are many different on line avenues to meet someone. The challenge with that is that a lot of people are just messing around with the idea and don’t actually have a clear intention about what they want and what they are ready for. txt can be incredibly frustrating for someone who is being real and authentic in this process.
The good news is, you are authentic and real and you aren’t willing to take less than you deserve. That will serve you well in his process. Have you had time to start reviewing the Be Irresistible Program? When you have a chance I’d love to her what you thing about it so far!
Kanya
HI Tanya, Ughhh. I can understand why you are so frustrated!
I find myself wondering why he isn’t pursuing you. Obviously it isn’t because you aren’t amazing. I wonder ig he is too busy for more but likes having someone to occasionally text with. Second, I wonder if he is dating more that one person and trying to keep the door open with you even though he isn’t ready to step through it.
One thing I will suggest is take an even bigger step back and be a bit distant as well. When he texts you, don’t respond quickly. Next time wait until the next day to send a quick response. Let him wonder where you are and why you aren’t getting back to him. Sometimes we need to back off so that a guy will realize he needs to be more proactive to keep things going.
As you still dating other people? At this point I think that would be wise. If a guy really likes a woman he tends to move mountains to see her. While we don’t know what is getting int he way for this guy we do know that something is getting in the way. I encourage you to keep moving forward and meeting new people. You are amazing and deserve to be with someone who gets that and who is ready to cherish you. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Aysegul, I’m so glad you shared an update. You are truly a love warrior! I acknowledge you for the way you have moved through this difficult situation. It appears that you are doing a great job of loving yourself through this which is wonderful. So many people will move into self doubt in this type of situation. My sense is yo are inspiring others who are going through a similar situation. Well done! Please keep checking in and let us know how we can support you! Have an amazing day.
Kanya
I find it interesting that as soon as you asked him to stop communicating, her started communicating more. For now I would ride this out. Let him send you messages and only respond occasionally. Don’t talk about missing him or wanting to move on. Just begin to treat him like a friend as see how he responds.
The thing is, when a relationship has been going for awhile you often do spend most of your time talking about general stuff. You move out of the intense romantic phase and deepen into a love relationship that is supportive and caring. I find myself wondering how the two of you would handle it is the reletionhip developed past the initial intense romantic phase? How would you manage being married? What if he was ready for a deeper commitment?
Kanya
Hi Lynn, I’m sorry that technology was not cooperating today. That can be so frustrating. I hear the fear and frustration in your voice and totally understand how you are feeling. I think the best response is to keep reaching out to him and sharing your support. He must be feeling vulnerable at this time and perhaps he needs tome time to truly remember and trust who you are. Keep loving him, supporting him, and reaching out to him. Be the person you have always been with him and his heart will start to open up fully again. Wait for a few days, until things feel better between the two of you, then suggest a visit once again. In time he will be able to think about and plan this.
I think it is important to realize a few things. First, he is feeling so vulnerable at this time. He may not have the resources to work through things the way he used to. He may need more time to process since his brain is working over time trying to process what is happening with his mother. This is such a huge loss that it will be difficult to know what to expect. Also, even when you know someone for a long time, it cam be difficult to know what to expect in terms of the grieving process. It is important to stay calm and carry on. Even if he is upset, stay calm and trust that he will move through this. Continue to love and support him and, as Heidi shared, keep the lines of communication open.
I would also suggest you up your self care as this will be a stressful time for you as well. Create a support team of family and friends, and us, who can help you work through the confusion and potential ups and downs of this time. Keep reaching out for support on the forum as we are happy to help you through this difficult time. Let us know how things are between the two of you as you move through this misunderstanding!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, That is a great question. Before we go there, let’s focus on your intent with the texts. Rather moving towards getting back together, I think your focus needs to be connecting with him. If you can do this, by making yourself vulnerable and sharing abut your own fears and struggles, the closeness will come and the relationship with come. So, What if you send him some communication that states just what Heidi said above? That will mean putting the ‘relationship’ on the back burner and focus on simply getting to spend time together and get to know each other without having to define what it is for you and/or for him. It sounds like he is in a relationship but the thought of it, the thought of really owning it, is too much for him at this time. If you can simply enjoy your time together, trust that he isn’t going anywhere and work on your fears things will develop naturally. Now, that doesn’t mean that he will be ready to acknowledge being in a committed relationship any time soon. Rather than pushing for him saying the right thing, pay attention not how he treats you. That is the real meat of things. Many people who are fearful can’t admit to things but show how they feel more easily. It sounds like that is what he has been doing which is great.
At this phase of life many people don’t remarry but maintain more independence while having a relationship. It sounds like that might be something that he is interested in doing. As you let go of your fears can you see yourself doing that? It might mean redefining what a relationship means to you but that makes sense. What we want when we are in our 20’s and 30’s is not necessarily what we want in our 50’s and 60’s.
I’m usurious, when he ‘goes away’ and takes some space what does that look like? How frequently does he need this space, how long is he away for? And, what is communication like while he is gone? John Grey has an interesting theory about this. Here is a Ted Talk by John Gray where he talks about men’s need for space. I’ve found that understanding why they need space has helped understand and accept that a guys need for space isn’t about distancing from a woman. It’s actually about needing space to reconnect with himself in a way that he can only do on his own. And, the reason he wants to reconnect with himself is because he desires more connection with his woman! Please take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Uandi, Thanks for sharing the additional information. The things is, I stand by what I shared above. The person he as at the beginning of the relationship is not the real guy. It is the beginning of the relationship guy. This is the honeymoon phase of the relationship which only lasts from 6-18 months. It is not realistic that a relationship will continue to be 24/7. I know, the beginning stage is so yummy and amazing. The thing is, it is difficult to go to work, pay the bills, work out, and pend time with family and friends when two people are glues to each other like they are in the beginning. It is possible to have moments of that, to continue to love and appreciate each other. The thing is, a relationship can only deepen if there is shared trust and respect. You can’t trust him to be anything different than who he is. He is someone who has cheated in the past with his wife, and someone who cheated with you. If you can accept that this is who he is then yes, go for it.
The way to do that? Start to be less interested in him. Let him wonder what you are doing and why you aren’t pursuing him. Take a step back and this will be way more interesting to him than pursuing him. I think sending him a short message saying something like “I know that I acting in strange ways in the past and I apologize. I’m not sure what happened but I’m feeling more like myself. Thanks for understanding. I appreciate your support!” The thing you need to remember, is that you did those things because you knew he was lying to you. You became a person who checked up on their boyfriend because you knew that he was hiding things from you. I get that you are wanting him to be he amazing man that he was in the early part of the relationship. The challenge is, you now know that he is more than that. He is a man who can love deeply but also a man who losses interest and can move on quickly. Please be clear about what you are getting into.
There are steps you can take, as I’ve shared able. It could take some time, perhaps weeks or months, to get his attention back in a way that is sustainable. You touched on something really wise, until he has shown with his actions over the course of months that he is ready to be in a relationship, don’t sleep with him. The energy needs to build more before it is time to reconnect sexually. I know that it can be difficult to wait but it is vital. There are a lot of women that he can have. What will make you different is if you have his heart. This may take some time but could happen. I suggest you read through the variety of reports on this site and get a sense of what feels right for you. Then, begin to integrate the techniques into your interactions, even if they are brief. Is this clarifying things for you?
Kanya
