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Hi Juls, This is getting complicated. Honestly, I think it would be difficult for most people to sleep with someone, participate in some foreplay but hold off on being sexual. I actually think that this is physically painful for guys to be so turned on without experiencing a release. While I can’t give you a male perspective, I am wondering if you have any males friends that you can ask about that? The drive for sexual connection is extremely strong in those circumstances. I don’t know many men who would NOT push the boundaries.
Is it possible that you could hang out, date, but not sleep together? Just spend time together then sleep in your own beds? That would take away the opportunity to “push the boundary” as you say. I agree with what elide shared; I do not think this man is available. He will continue to push and pull because he doesn’t really know what he wants. As a result, he is going to consistently change his mind. Like he’s done recently; he was coming down, then he wasn’t BUT he’ll let you know if he changes his mind. That is a lot of change in a short period of time. I imagine that this feels really terrible to be treated that way. What makes you feel this man is worth your while?
Kanya
Hi Marie, Wow, that is great and I love your enthusiasm! I really acknowledge you for embracing the techniques in this program. I am glad to hear that things are going so well and honestly, these techniques really do work. So much of it is applying the techniques and then being patient while they sink in for your guy!
So, in terms of whether or not he likes you or this is just sex. Two things jump out at me. First, he says that he wants to go slowly. This is a very important clue for you. The two of you have been dating for just 2.5 months so this is really a short amount of time. Enjoy getting to know each other and doing what you are doing. It sounds like he is connecting with you at his own speed. Let him know that you trust him to know what pace works for him. Also, take some time ago understand why you need a commitment after just 2.5 months. This really is the “getting to know you” stage. It can feel really vulnerable to not know where things will ultimately end up but the truth is this is also what makes things exciting. And, it encourages people to bring their best foot forward, stretch into new areas of connection, and deepen their vulnerability. Sharing vulnerability is a very important precursor to emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy leads to commitment. I do get the sense that he cares for you but is scared. That is understandable. the best way to face it is to stay loving, supportive, and be patient. Pushing is the opposite of what you want to do at this time. AS I shared, enjoy this time. Read some of the articles on this sight and let yourself keep trying new things. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Dini, I am so sorry that this is happening. It must be so confusing to you and so very disappointing.
I’m a bit unclear. You share that he is going to see you and continue to spend time with her. Is that accurate? Does that mean he is currently dating each of you and trying to make a choice? I’d love it if you shared some additional information.
In the mean time, do you remember him telling you about anything that was going on with him over the course of the relationship. What were his complaints, concerns? What were the things he kept bringing up? The reason I ask is because sometimes people communicate in indirect ways about what is bothering them. As a result we sometimes need to do a little investigating to figure it out.
I will say that there are a few basics that you will want to begin integrating. First, practicing the respect principle. Letting him know that you honor and respect him even if you disagree or see things differently. Next, I would be sure to ignite his hero instinct. Think about something that he could help you with. Then, send him a text that says simply “I need your help.” When he responds present your request. He will be happy to give you what you need. Once he does, share how happy it made you.
I’d love to help more so please share some additional information so that I can best guide you! Looking forward to hearing from you.
Kanya
Hi Danielle, Wow, you really have been through a lot in the past year. I know that you want an answer and that your focus is on getting him back but I have a slightly different idea. I want you to make sure that you are getting the help you need to be you again. Post part depression is a very real thing (as I’m sure you know) and it can take some time to recover from. To what degree do you feel like you are recovered. Are you at 100% with your life, your son, your health? Please think about that carefully because you need to be at 100% to be able to care for your son.
I think your guys is probably really freaked out by how ‘real’ life has become in the past 6 months. Him dating a 17 year old tells me that he is running back to his youth, when he didn’t have a lot of responsibilities and life was about fun. Does he have any male role models in his life? Anyone man who can help him make the transition to fatherhood and partner. It is normal to freak out a bit and it is normal to rely on older family and friends to help us understand that this is just a transition, not a death to fun in life.
If you are at 100% then I suggest you begin to heal the difficulty that the two of you felt. Stay calm, acknowledge the things that occurred between the two of you and take responsibility for them. Yes, this means apologizing and letting him know that you are in a place where you can do things differently. Then, show him through your behavior by actually doing things differently. Help him see that the two of you can work things out and that he really does make you happy. When you spend time together, let him know (through words and actions) how happy it makes you. This is also a great time to ignore his hero instinct. Be willing to ask for his help and let him see that he is needed in your life and in your son’s life.
Are there any extenuating circumstances with family and friends that may be getting in the way for the two of you? Also, did you both make a conscious decision to have a child and were you both ready? I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Sandra, I can understand your hesitancy. It is difficult to know what the words will actually translate into. The thing is, right now it is all just words – there really aren’t actions that point to a future. He still hasn’t made plans to spend time together. For now, it seems as though you are friends (with a history) and are getting to know each other again. I don’t necessarily hear or see that time and energy is being put into developing a relationship. I’m not trying to pop your balloon, just want you to stay real with what is.
I agree that he is not all in at this point. He seems to be in the deciding process. That is important for you to see so that you set an appropriate pace in all of this. Let him lead with communication. That may not be very frequent but he needs to be leading here. He has a lot going on, including caring for his dad which I’m sure is taking a big toll. I think the next few months will show you if he is moving towards being all in or if he is stalled.
You were really wise in your assessment that you can’t change him, change needs to come from within. I think the two of you are still very much in the grey area and it remains to be seen if he can make some important changes. One thing that concerns me is that he is asking for info on what you need in a marriage etc when the two of you haven’t actually seen each other, haven’t spend time together. That is a concern because it tells me that the majority of the relationship is taking place in both of your imaginations. IT is vital that you spend time together – a lot of time together before deciding if you can build a life together.
Relationships that take place in the imagination often lead to difficulty when a couple actually spends time together. When we are imagining relationships we don’t really imagine conflict. We don’t imagine people having difficult days, struggling with communication, needn’t to improve, learn and grow. So, when the reality of a relationship hits couples often think there is something wrong with the relationship or their partners and they can move into heavy questioning. In reality, difficult times are a natural part of any relationship. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lynette, Thanks for sharing additional information. I’m really getting a sense of how complicated this is for everyone. I agree that your lives would be a lot easier if you moved out of state and started over. Since that isn’t possible, you do need to behest wth yourselves about what to expect and how to work with it. I encourage you to think about what would work for you. Yes, his ex is going to push for more and manipulate. If he wants to stay connected to her kids he will need to work hard at setting boundaries. This is difficult when she is threatening suicide but even more important because of that. She is used to making threats and getting what she wants. If he stops giving her what she wants, over time she can learn that the threats don’t work. If at any point she threatens her kids, your guy will need to alert the authorities as we don’t want the kids to be harmed.
I suggest you guys get and read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder” so that the two of you can learn more about how to manage this difficult situation. If he is not willing to set and keep boundaries with her then I think it will be incredibly difficult to have a relationship with him. That a is when you will need to decide if it is time to walk away. For ow, start reading the book and let us know if it sounds familiar to his ex and her behavior. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Kanya
Hi Lynette, It looks like you put this message on the forum in 2 different places. I have responded to the other post!
Kanya
Hi Lynette, This is a tough one. It sounds like he wants to be with you but I wonder what role his ex will have in his life. Has he shared what he would like to see happen with the two of you? It sounds as though he is conflicted in some way and I am wondering if he has been able to talk about what is going on with him? Please share additional insight and details so that we can help.
Kanya
Hi Sandra, This is great. I am so glad the two of you are so comfortable opening up and sharing with each other. This says a lot about all you have invested in building this relationship over the years. I love that the two of you are open to getting to know each other for who you are today. When a couple can do that it is a very exciting journey. How are you feeling about all of this? How can we support you?
Kanya
Hi Crystal, Wow, there is so much to this. I really acknowledge you for the degree to which you have thought through everything. You really are clear about what you want and need! That is the first step. The next step is figuring out if this person can give that to you.
I agree that no one is perfect, that we all have issues and areas to work through. The challenge in this situation is, I don’t think he has it in him to be decisive and to stick with his commitment. He is still learning what commitment means.Right no, his commitment change depending on his feelings. Today I feel like this is a good idea. Today I feel like this is a bad idea. When you re in a relationship you need to know that bad days, or bad times are normal. They happen to everyone. Over time you learn to distinguish between the various emotions internally, process them, and use them to deepen your connection versus break your connection. From what you’ve shared he isn’t seeing this as him running. Just following his gut. That needs to be a big concert because if he doesn’t see that as a problem, there is no chance that it will change.
I can understand why that vulnerable being inside of you feels as though he is communicating that you are not enough for him. However, my guess is that there is a part of you that has felt ‘not enough’ in other situations in life. We all have core wounds that tend to get triggered in these situations. It is important that you work with your therapist on this. You are enough. Everything about you is enough. As you do the emotional work you will be able to integrate this belief at a deep level!
While you have thought all of this out, I would also encourage you to stop thinking about it. I know that sounds like a contradiction. Sometimes when something is happening i our life that feels unthinkable, we often spend a lot of time thinking about it and trying to figure out how to fix things. The challenge is, that can sometimes slow down the healing process because we aren’t moving on or necessarily accepting what is. So are is my question for you; do you feel you are accepting what is happening, accepting his inability to really stick with this (or any) relationship? I think taking care of you, stepping back, and refocusing is a great idea. Please let us know what you think about what I am sharing!
Kanya
Hi Keia, I’m sorry things have gone off the rails. I understand how confusing and heartbreaking this can be. I really acknowledge you for your insight! It seems as though you have a good understanding of how you contributed to the challenges you are now facing. think there are many things that you can do to repair the relationship. First, give him space as he has asked. I know it seems counterintuitive at this stage but it is vital. While women feel disconnected as a result of space, men need space to sort things out. You know that belief about men going into their caves-well it’s true. Me go into their caves for many reasons but the reason they stay there is because they need time to sort things out. If a woman stands outside the cave opening and yells ‘hey, when are you coming out? What are you doing in there? You’re making a mistake’ this only drives the man deeper into the cave.Men need to know that we are going to give them space when they need it and trust that they know what they re doing.
I suggest you not contact him for at least 2-3 week. I’m sure that seems like a life time but it will do wonders for his willingness to be open to connecting again. It will give him time to think about what happened, it will show him that you respect him enough to honor his wishes, it will give him time to build up the sense of missing you and wanting you again. Then, after 3 weeks, I would send him a text igniting his hero instinct. Start with an I need help” text. Then, when he answers ask him for help or insight of some kind. After he gives you what you ask for, be sweet and grateful. Tell him how much it meant to you. Then, step back again. At that point he will not like the space as much and he will begin to reach out to you again.
At that point, which is probably 4 weeks from now, I would begin to apply the steps from The Relationship Rewrite to get more momentum going. Does this make sense? Please let me know what you think.
Kanya
Hi Crystal, This sounds complicated. It can be difficult to know how to support out partner in managing an ex as well as coparenting. One thing that strikes me is, as you shared, the degree to which he is easily influenced by others. That must feel like a bit of a roller coaster at times. My sense is something like the tis happening again.
When you meet and he shares his thoughts, I would do some gentle inquiry regarding what has sent him in this direction. That will give you some important information. Because he is so easily influenced, you have so idea about how to talk to him about his concerns. If he is feeling controlled of forced in some way, you will need to be willing to consider some changes. Ask him for specifics and let him know what is negotiable for you and what is not. I know that can be kind of scary but it is important that you be honest. The two of you ave a history and I would hate to see him continue to break up and reconcile over and over again. That will be so painful and confusing for everyone involved.
So, if he says that you have forced him into something or tried to take control of things that he feels are solo decisions, I recommend you say something like “You’re right. I can see how it feels that way. I really did think I was helping but perhaps I over stepped my bounds. What would you like to be different?” I know if might feel like you are taking a step backwards but it is important for him to feel as though the situation is working better for him. Keep an open mind and see what he is thinking. He made such a 180 degree turn that he is probably still trying to work things out in his head which is good. Do your best to not panic, hear him out, and see if a compromise is a possibility. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Juls, I can tell that you are looking from this from many different perspectives which is very wise. I think that your plan of waiting to see if he comes down next week is a good one. And, if he doesn’t and his behavior remains the same then perhaps it is time to ask him about it. I think Heidi did a great job describing how that conversation can be started. I know it sounds strange but keep things light as he is probably feeling heavy in his heart in some way. Keeping it light gives him the opportunity to feel safe to opening up to you.
I know that you’ve shared that you don’t think that his ex is an issue but I think it may be. He has shared that he wants to reconcile and perhaps things have opened up in some way and given him a sense that this is possible. when children are involved couples reconcile more frequently in hopes of, as you shared, being a family again. It’s hard to know at this point but certainly something to keep in mind.
Please be sure to keep taking care of yourself. Spend time with friends who remind you of how amazing you are! Breath in and out and see what unfolds. We are here for you so keep checking in!
Kanya
Hi JM, Ughhh so frustrating! So 2 months is an interesting amount of time. It is often the time when interest can fade or fear can set in. What were the concerns he talked about or you sensed? Was there a negative interaction of some kind? Anything you can share with me would be helpful.
In the mean time, in order to get his attention I would send him a test that ignites his hero instinct. Think go something you want to get his opinion with-but not something related to the two of you or his distance. You can ask about the name of a restaurant you went to, the type pf coffee that is best, the name of a band. Think about something he has expertise in that you can ask his opinion about. Then, send him the following text “I need your help.” When he responds ask him the question. After he answers, send him a very thankful text. Something like, “OMG thank you so much. You’re my hero!” Then step back. this leaves him with a warm feeling that will grow. ( out of 10 times he will reach out to you and see how you are, or open up about his distance. When he does, keep things light and playful so that you both put a lot of positive into the connection. Eventually he will share more. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Judith, I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been a very shocking and painful experience for you. It sounds like you have been through a lot since then and I find myself wondering how you are feeling today. Is your life back on track? Do you feel strong and capable again? The reason I ask is because it is important to feel strong again before you consider starting something new. WE can talk more about that but I wanted to make sure that I mentioned it.
Now, in terms of this guy. You share that you went on a few dates but it sounds like there is more to the story. Can you fill me in a bit more? When did you start seeing each other? What was the pursuit phase like? Do you feel like the two of you were moving at the same pace? You share that you were ready to have him move in and I wonder if he felt this was too soon to make that sort of commitment? Please share more so that I can better help. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
