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Peggy, That is wonderful! I am so glad that you shared this on the forum. It is easy to forget there are other possibilities out there when we are giving for the one that got away. It sounds as though the two of you are taking your time and building something solid. This is fabulous! Tell us, what are some of the qualities that you are enjoying the most intros new relationship?
Kanya
Hi Diane, I do think it is best not to assume that he is in a new relationship at this point. I would assume, for now, that it is a social media glitch and let it go for the time being.
I know Heidi and I have shared this already but I think it warrants being said again; I think it is vital that you take a step back and stop focusing on trying to ‘fix’ things at this time. I know it is incredibly frustrating and disappointing. It is clear that he is all over the place and the closer you are to him while he goes through this the more collateral damage you will experience. On the one hand he can’t see you, on the other he wants to put a ring on it. That is too intense a difference for you, or anyone, to be able to manage. He does need therapy to help him balance out a bit. Until he learns to do that it will be a crazy ride. You sound as though you like balance in your life, that you know what to expect. When you make a commitment it is clear and final. It is too soon to know what this man will do but while he is in process I recommend you stay clear.
It’s time for you to step back and refocus your life on you. Spend time doing things you love. Visit with family and friends who remind you of how amazing you are. Go through your own grieving process of this relationship. That doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at some time in the far future but if you try to hold on I believe that resentment will grow and over time you won’t even like him very much for how he has handled things. If you make the break, focus on you, you will still feel good about things if/when he is ready for more. How does that sound?
Kanya
Hi Genevieve, Wow, sounds interesting. Can you share more about what you are dealing with? Have the two of you been dating and if so for how long? What is overwhelming about this person? Do you have past experience dating at work? Please share some more information so we can really support you!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, This is a great list. Fun and still filled with important information and ideas! how are things going? You mention an exponential shift. Do tell!
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, hmmmm. You have been dealing with a lot. I would imagine that you must be feeling confused and frustrated in addition to hurt. I think he did himself and everyone a disservice by moving right in with his ex rather than taking time on his own to figure out what he really wanted. I have a few questions. Did this come out of the blue or was it something that he had hinted at prior to leaving? You mention that the two of you lived together for 7 years. What was the relationship like? Did you have stronger intimacy in the beginning or was that something that the two of you always struggled with?
I can’t say what his message means but I do think it shows that he is having some doubts about where he is. Realistically we can’t know if he text was in response to a disagreement he is having with the women he is living with or something related to something that has been well thought out. I would caution you> He has given you a lot of mixed messages and this may continue. I suggest you take things a day at a time. I’m concerned that he really doesn’t know what he wants and wonder how the will affect you. I know this is a lot but I don’t want to overwhelm you with information. Can you share more about the situation?
Kanya
You are so welcome, Keia. Please keep us posted and check in for support when ever you feel the need! you’re doing amazing!
Kanya
Hi Ronda, S0 there was a triple whammy in a 5 day period. My sense is that a lot is getting triggered for him that he isn’t even aware of related to his father and things are getting tangled up inside of him, I think about what Heidi was sharing regarding him having a pot of emotions that overwhelm him and I really resonate with that given hat you have just shared. I know it is difficult but try to see this as him being in pain rather than him causing you pain. Does that make sense? It you approach it in the first way you can bring empathy to the situation and allow yourself to slow the process down while the two of you work things out. He shared that he might be interested in doing that at some point and my guess is, if you can both put the arguing aside and focus on being your best selves you will have a better chance at doing that.
Right now you are understandably upset and hurt. That is a normal and expected response. While you are feeling that way I would refrain from trying to talk to him about this or come up with any solutions. It sounds like you re starting therapy this week which is perfect timing. You can use your time in therapy to adjust to your physical condition and to also explore the past year or two of the relationship. Developing insight into your behavior will be important. I agree with Heidi in terms of working through “The Relationship Rewrite.” I suggest you read it through once and then go back and SLOWLY start to implement the steps. Moving at a slow pace is important because both of you need time to process the pain from the past and find new ways to approach situations that have caused conflict. Over time healing through this program can be profound.
What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally at this time?
Kanya
Hi Diane, I can understand how painful this is. The two of you were off and running and then it shifted. It sounds as though the two of you have a great connection. It says a lot when you feel that comfortable with someone from the start.
The thing is, he didn’t take much time to grieve. I can understand that he wanted to move on when he did but I agree with the family member that he needs a bit more time to get himself in order before he can really be there for another person. I wouldn’t panic as I think in time things could evolve in a really positive way. While this is hard, I suggest you support him as a friend during this time and stay connected. If you disconnect on a positive note and maintain connection and a friendship then you can continue to show him how amazing you are!
Continue to read the information on this site and incorporate it into your communication. Be sure to ignite his hero instinct on a regular basis (about monthly for now) and let him see how important he is in your life.Take a look at the “Irresistible Insight” page and start to read the subjects that interest you at this time.
Rather than thinking of this as an ending, I would think of it as the first time in this relationship that one person needs some space to work something through. Having that mindset will make all of this a lot easier to manage. He doesn’t need to know that is your attitude but you can think and feel what ever you want about this.
One thing I would avoid is trying to tell him what he needs. Instead, listen to what he is saying and help him work things out. In doing so you become an invaluable friend and confidant. This is so important because these qualities and the basis of deep and abiding commitments. I know this is probably not what you were hoping but I think it is the best way to go. It will take some time but when he is ready you will have a wonderful connection and it will be easy for him to move back into a relationship.
Remember that everyone grieves differently. Some people need years to get over this type of loss and some need months. As he goes through this he may realize that he doesn’t need that much more time to be ready. Hopefully he will be open to the two of you visiting every few months as you have developed a solid friendship. I know this is hard but I do think this will work out in time. Please let me know what you think about my suggestions. I look forward to hearing from you!
Kanya
Hi Danielle, I’m glad that you got to spend the day together. The more you share the more complicated this seems to be. Let me see if I am understanding a few things; he has a 6 year old and he left that family when his son was 1. He left you when your some was about 9 months old. Did he ever share with you why he chose to leave his first relationship? I wonder if there is any correlation to the current situation. I’m interested to hear what you think.
So, he is currently in treatment for personality disorder? Yes, that can absolutely have something to do with his behavior. I can’t say that is an accurate diagnosis but I can say that a person with a borderline personality has particular attributes. They can change their mind quickly. tend to ee things in black and white. Are frequently and easily disappointed but the people around them. They tend to have a history of intense relationships and can go from extreme closeness to extreme dislike or detachment. Do any of these sound familiar?
Kanya
Hi Judith, that is a tremendous amount of loss and change. It sounds like you are still getting life back on track which makes sense given what you have lost and the ays in which life has changed for you.
The reason I asked was because we all need to feel strong and capable before we enter into a relationship. Why? Because all relationships have ups and downs. If we aren’t feeling strong when we come into the relationship the ups and downs feel more extreme and are more difficult to whether. Small slights feel big. A partners need for space can feel like abandonment. The ups can also fill in gaps that need to be filled in other ways.
I can only imagine how different life feels to you. Are you talking to a professional? I think it could be helpful to have someone guide you through the stages that you are going through. does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Marie, Wow, you are really embracing what you are learning. That is fantastic! A few things come to mind regarding what to do now. The first one may seem counter intuitive but here goes. I would do your best to spend less time thinking about this situation. Let yourself be focusing more energy on other areas of your life. Growing a relationship is like growing plants in your garden. You spend a few minutes each day tending it; watering, pulling weeds, dealing with pests. Then, you go off to the the rest of your day. If you spend all day there in time it can have a negative impact on the plants as well as your expectations for their growth. So, tend to the relationship for a few minutes a day then continue to build and grow other areas of your life.
One thing I recommend is using all the resources on this site. Under the ‘Irresistible Insight’ tab you will find a ton of articles. Maybe let yourself read one every couple of days to increase your confidence and skill level. Let your intuition tell you what article to read on a given day and let yourself really think about what is being said and how it related to you. He has shared that he is really busy so prepare to be patient for awhile and use that time to be productive in your life in a variety of areas!
Kanya
Hi Keia, I really acknowledge you for how you are embracing this and learning from it. I really hope that is helping you feel better about yourself in relation to men. In your words I see an amazing woman with so much to give. Keep feeding that part of you and I promise it will grow and bloom!
I too a loaf at what Heidi suggested and I think that IS the mediate that will ignite his hero instinct. So, there will be one message in 2 weeks. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Danielle, so sorry for the earlier typo! I didn’t mean to confuse you.
I’m sorry that he feels you are using psychological warfare when you send pictures of your son. I absolutely think that part of this belief is an influence on her part. At 17 she doesn’t understand the importance of staying connected as a family. She is most likely trying to catch and keep him. In most of these types of situations the older partner eventually gets tired of the drama that often comes with younger people. The developmental stage associated with 17 years of age is really different than that of 31 years of age. She is going to want to have a lot of fun and avoid responsibility. In many states it would actually be illegal for him to be involved with someone that age. The fact that his friend is okay with this tells me that we are dealing with a group doc people who don’t know much about relationship needs and don’t value the family bond.
As strange as it seems. I would continue to do what you are doing. Bring your best foot forward with him and show him how different you are, how much you have healed. Focus on taking care of you and your son. Think about the things you want to achieve and create in addition to the relationship and start to take steps to making those dreams come true. I think it i=s important for you to see how capable and resilient you are! Time to remember that you are awesome!
I will say that I am concerned for you in this relationships for several reasons. First, he doesn’t seem to be valuing family in the degree that I would expect someone his age to do. Yes, all new parents freak out to some degree and this can look different for different people but this reaction is unusually big. He doesn’t seem to have a lot of empathy or understanding for what you went through after your son was born. I do think that he is struggling with not being able to help you as Heidi shared. That can be very difficult as men really need to be needed. Continuing to ignite his hero instinct will be important. Why might also be good is to stop communicating as frequently. Give him a chance to miss you and your son, to wonder what you are doing that is more interesting that reaching out to him.
I guess I’m wondering how solid his commitment was if he can run this far this quickly. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think the two of you could resolve things and reconcile – I do think that is possible. I just wonder if he is mature enough to make a lasting commitment. There are ups and downs in the best of relationships and we need to know how to whether them in a calm and responsible manner. I will say that if you reconcile I would seriously consider having additional children prior to being married to him. Marriage will give you and your children additional rights and protection should this happen again. That doesn’t mean that he won’t do this again, you’ll just have a better idea of what to expect if it does.
To reiterate, I so think this is something that the two of you can work out over time. I would stop letting this 17 year old bother you. She is a temporary distraction and not something that you need to push too hard against. As Heidi shared, she has an expiration date. Rather than pushing to happen sooner, I would let it crumble on its own. It will be more powerful when he makes the decision to come back versus feeling forced to do so.
Who are you spending time with these days? Who is your support system?
Kanya
Hi Ronda, I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like there was some major misunderstanding with his sister. Have you and he been able to talk about what you said and what you meant? What is his current understanding of what transpired?
I’m not sure but that may b=have something to do with it and your applying for disability may also have something to do with it. When he encouraged you to quit was it to collect disability or short term disability through your work play? I wonder if he had an idea of what it mean and that is different than what it is turning out to be. I’m guessing that he may be overwhelmed with what all of this might mean over time. Has he mentioned any of that to you? Please share more about what may be upsetting him. Most importantly, do not assume that it is over. Think of it as a pause while the two of you work things out. Even if he doesn’t think that you can think that! Make sense?
Kanya
