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Hi Julie, I’m so sorry that this is happening. I can imagine that this is still rather shocking to you. While it will take time to process this, there are a few things to remember.
1. she is still married and hasn’t left her husband. This is a huge step for someone to make and the truth is there is a good chance that she won’t take that step.
2. she would need to leave her whole life behind to make this work. Even if she could do these things, there is no guarantee that this relationship will last.
3. This is new, and may not last very long.“True love” will only take them so far. The reality of the stress that this change would cause will make it difficult for the two of them to actually focus on the relationship. I know that you are probably freaking out and I can understand why but I need to point out that given the stakes there is a good chance that his new relationship will not last.
In terms of what happened in the past 6 months, can you share more about it? You said you didn’t lean on each other. How did you treat each other during this time? What were some of the things he talked about when things were difficult? Did he miss certain aspects of the relationship? Did he wish for more support and understanding. Please share anything that you can think of that might be important.
Kanya
Hi Kim, it sounds like this might be why he has been distant lately. I think it is great that he opened up and told you what is going on for him. I would definitely respond in a supportive way. In your own words you could say something like, “Thanks for letting me know what is going on for you. I can only imagine how difficult that week is for you. Of course we can skip this Tuesday if you need to. Remember I’m here for you and would love to support you in any way I can.”
I know it is scary to give him the space but trust me when I say he will care for you even more as a result. It is important to remember that this is not an ex or someone that he has feelings for. She is not a threat to you or the relationship in any way. She was his wife, the mother of his kids, long before he met you. The relationship with her is, in many ways, separate from his relationship with you. Just because he is hurting doesn’t mean that he cares less for you. She is still alive in his heart even if she is no longer present in human form. His feelings of loss will pop up now and then. even when he is happy with you. That is just part of the grieving process. How are you feeling about all of this?
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, I think he is doing a good job in the above texts communicating what is real for him. He hasn’t forgiven himself for this. My sense is this is going to take time for him to understand why things go so far for him that he felt the only recourse was to call off the wedding. I think it would be good for you to consider that question as well even though it is understandably difficult to consider. You really are doing a great job but as Heidi said, he just isn’t ready for the light. He needs time to process what he is feeling before he can start to feel better about himself. I can see that you are reassuring him and encouraging him to forgive himself but I don’t think he is ready. And that is okay. He needs some time to sort this out. He’s really struggling to process emotions on a new and complex level. It’s like learning a new language-it doesn’t happen over night.
I think he is conflicted. He clearly cares for you but there was something about getting married that wasn’t working for him. I’m not sure if he is even clear about what that was. If he has a difficult time being at the house then give him some time to miss it. Give him some time to integrate all of his memories not just the upsetting ones. I know the you want things to go back to how they were but until he works some things out they can’t, and shouldn’t go back to the way things were. There was something off in that scenario and it will take time, love and a lot of space for him, and you, to figure it out. Are you taking care of you? It’s important that you do that and show your son that you are okay, that you are solid, even though part of you feels like you are falling apart. You are putting so much effort into helping him and I wonder what are you doing these days just to nurture and care for you?
Kanya
Hi Carmen, I’m so sorry things have escalated to this level for the two of you. I know it must be scary and confusing. It sounds as though you moving into his home has been difficult for him. I can’t say why it is so difficult but that seems to be overwhelming for him in some way. Time apart will help both of you calm down. From that place you can talk calmly and begin to unravel what is going on and find solutions that work for both of you.
My first question is; does he still live in the house he shared with his former wife? Is that something that has come up in this process? I wonder if he has conflicting feeling about changing things around. This is really common when someone is widowed. It can be a long, painful process and old wounds can be opened with change. Can you share more about what he has said he wants in this situation? Does he want more time, for things to stay the same, for the space to sort through his things and make space? Please share more so that we can maybe understand more about what is upsetting him.
When the two of you disagree do you have the skills to do so calmly and respectfully? This is often a difficult thing to do, especially when emotions are high. Was he comfortable with you organizing things for him? WAs he comfortable with you putting things in boxes? Even though you didn’t throw things out I wonder if the felt like you were crossing a boundary?
The reality is-marriage is probably the hardest thing we ever need to figure out. The amount of compromise is astounding. The way a mate can trigger us is like nothing else in the world. We can go from 0-60 in a millisecond and it takes a lot of practice to talk a walk, not yell when we want to, think things through before trying to find a solution, listen more than talk.
How are you doing today and what do you think about what I shared?
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, I agree with Heidi- you really are dealing with a complicated situation. I will try to respond to your question about the Hero Instinct. It sounds as though this woman is good at igniting his hero instinct. She needs a lot of support right now and probably makes him feel like she won’t survive without him. You can ignite that as well if you like in a rather easy manner.
So, think of something that you need help with. It can be something he helps you do in person of even just some information or an opinion that he can share. Once you know what your request is send him a text that says simply “I need your help.” Then, when he responds present your request. When he answers, share how grateful his help was to you and how helpful it was. Then, take a few days off from communicating. I know that it is really difficult but absence makes the heart grow fonder. Leave him with a positive sense of you and then go quiet. He will think of you, miss you, and will reach out to you.
You mention that you told him you are moving on. I think taking a few steps forward would be good for you but that doesn’t mean that you need to start dating if you aren’t ready to do so! Instead, take some time to find your balance again. Learn to feel confident and amazing without him. Once your attachment to him is gone, really gone, you will feel empowered and in control this situation. My sense is you are ready to feel that. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Lisa, You are very specific about what you want. Is there a particular reason that you would like to marry an Asian man? Are you open to widening the search a bit. The reason I ask is because sometimes we can be TOO specific and in doing so we may miss many possible mates. Also wondering what type of men you have dated in the past and what your experiences have been like. Often we have an idea about who we will end up with but when we are open we do fall in love with the person that is right for us, even if they are different than we imagined!
Now, can you share more specifics about the man you met online and why you think you blew things? Let’s start there and then we can talk more about making some additional contacts.
Kanya
Elena, This is amazing. I love how you are having so much awareness come forward. I see this happen often when we let go of the need for someone we often begin to access different parts of ourselves and we begin to see things in a new light. I love that you can now differential the parts of you that communicate with him (and others as well.) I would say that if you are communicating from your wounded side you want to NOT communicate at that point. Getting back to your adult part before communicating is the way to go. In fact, I wish all my clients would learn how to do that the way you are learning! Knowing all of this, what have you decided to communicate with him?
Also, are you scheduled for speed dating? I can’t wait for you to get out there with all this new knowledge!
Kanya
Hi Danielle, I know this is difficult and it’s important to know you are dong an amazing job! All of this is frustrating and confusing and really does require a tremendous mount of self control and patience. That being said, it really has been less than a week since things started to move in such a positive direction. Even though every day he is away must feel like an eternity, it really hasn’t been that long since things shifted. My sense is he is doing his best to untangle from this other person and to get fully on board with coming back. I would put no weight on what he writes on social media-none, zilch, nada. Instead, focus on the time you re spending together and trust those feelings. Build confidence in what you know to be true between the two of you regardless of the pace he is moving. Keep holding the vision of what you want and don’t pay attention to the fear. Fear will come and go as that is part of the human experience but fear is not reality. Fear is actually a big liar and whispers in our ear the worst case scenario. You do not have to believe fear!
Being happy in your own life is definitely attractive to me. They want to be there for us but also like when we are fulfilled without them. More importantly, it makes you stronger and more confident. As Heidi shared, you get to be in the drivers seat depending on what story you are telling yourself and what story you are living. The choice is yours!
Kanya
Hi Miranda, I can’t say what the chances are but if you are able to communicate with him, even via text for now, you could make some progress in repairing things. My guess is things were said and/or done during the argument that gave him the sense that this wasn’t going to work out. Did you argue about anything that seemed like a deal breaker? During the argument where insults shared that can’t be taken back? Were their ways about the way the two of you argued that he has complained about in the past? I know it is a lot of questions but in these situations it is important to really think back on things that were said in the past. you want to follow the clues to see what may have upset him and led to his decision to end things.
Are the two of you texting or emailing at this point? If so you can start to send him the messages that the Relationship Rewrite talks about. When doing that program remember that a slow and steady progress works best. After you’ve really thought about things, be sure to apologize for the things that upset or bothered him. It is important that he get that you understand why it bothered him and that you are committed to being respectful with him even when the two of you disagree. Let me know how you want to get started!
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, I’m a little confused. I didn’t suggest that you cut communication with him and throw 7 years away. What I am suggesting is that you take care of yourself right now. I’m sure that he is great in many ways. You have been together for a long time and have had a lot of positive times together. Right now he does seem confused which is why I was suggesting that you take care of you until he figures out what he wants. It needs to be a want that he can commit to so that there aren’t so many ups and downs. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Keia, I’m sorry that he isn’t responding. My guess is he is so hurt and shut down that he is in his cave processing and trying to understand all of this. What if you take a step back and try doing the 30 days of no contact? Give him the space that he needs and also give yourself the space that you need. It is vital that you understand why you did this, why you cheated. If you aren’t clear, and haven;t worked out what made you do this, then you are destined to do it again. He knows this and my guess is you know this as well.
What soul searching have you done to understand your choices? I know it is extremely painful to think about it but important on many levels. Are you willing to share your thoughts about what happened and why?
Kanya
Hi Miranda, This sounds like a difficult situation. Hmmmm. Did this break up come out of the blue? When he started to show less interest and invest less in the relationship how did you respond? The reason I ask is because many couples haven’t learned how to deal with conflict in a positive way. Often we let those moments come between us which could make us begin to question the relationship versus realizing we just need to work on the way we communicate. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, Thank you for sharing more information. From what you shared it seems like he just might not know himself very well and it seems like he doesn’t really know what he wants. One minute he wants to be with you. Then, his ex. Then, he wants to date. My sense is he is looking to feel a sense of happiness and satisfaction that he can really only get within himself. So he keeps looking to get it with women and when it isn’t there he thinks he needs to move on. I’m so sorry that this is happening. You seem like a smart loving woman and you are clearly capable of having a deep and consistent relationship. Don’t get confused about that because he is confused.
So, you shared that you started the Relationship Rewrite but you are now thinking that you need to move on. I agree that he needs to make some decisions on his own and figure out what he truly wants. For now, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you working with a coach or a therapist? I ask because it is a good time to get a ton of support. Make sure you spend time with the people in your life who remind you of how amazing you are. I know if is hard to see it at this time but my sense is you might be ready for so much more than this person can give you. I would take this time to get clear of what you want, not who you want. When we can do that, a world of possibility opens up for us. For now, how are you feeling about everything?
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, There is a lot for the two of you to work out – eventually. Right now I agree with what Heidi is sharing. Right now the family is in crisis. Cancelling a wedding is a huge event. You are doing a great job supporting him and I really acknowledge you for that! I am wondering how you are supporting yourself in a ll of this? Are you sleeping? It sounds like you aren’t eating since you’ve lost so much weight. It is vital that you start to eat, even though it will be difficult. You have some health challenges that require you to really step up your self care during stressful times. As great as you are doing with him, I would suggest you be even MORE supportive with yourself and your kids.
I can understand why Cory is so hurt and upset. He is 9 and doesn’t have the skills to deal with this differently. Plus, as a child it isn’t his job to make your fiancé feel better about what he did. Your fiancé is going to need to put a lot of work into rebuilding his relationship with Cory. It could take a long time before Cory is able to trust him again. Right now things are too unstable and Cory is right int hat he doesn’t know what is going to happen. Have you talked to him about all of this? I think it is important for him to have a safe space to talk about how thins is affecting him and how upset he is. Have you considered taking him to a therapist who can just listen and help him process all of this? It might be a good time for that and if he isn’t ready then perhaps in a few months he will be.
What does your support system look like these days? Do you have family and friends who are there helping with the kids and reminding you of how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Kim, I can understand why this is difficult. A few things come to mind. First, he is out of his normal activity and that could play a role in him not texting. Second, he is with his kids and in my experience men are very single focused. That means the tit may be difficult for him to shift back out of full time dad mode and connect with anyone outside the situation. I realize that he may be better at doing this at home then when he is on vacation. The third possibility is something that Heidi mentioned-cell service. We just don’t know what that is like for him. Even if none of these things are a factor I would do your best to stay neutral about his lack of communication. It is something that you can talk about when he is back and after the two of you have reconnected.
I’m not sure if you texted him or not but I would hold of from texting him. He is probably just focused on what he is doing and being present with his kids. Give him his space to do that without making this mean anything about the relationship. After 9 months it seems like things are solid with the two of you and this isn’t something to worry about. As the relationship evolve and confidence grows couples will often change the degree to which they connect during the day. A lot of it depends on what is happening in a persons life. I understand why you are concerned but I don’t think you need to be. When he reaches out to you be light and breezy. Listen as he shares his adventures. After the two of you are fully reconnected mention that it was unexpected that the two of you didn’t text more and see what he shares. Focus on listening so that you can get to know a new facet of him. The two of you still have much to learn about each other. If you can bring that new and excited feeling to this process, even when you have been together forever, that will add a lot of youth and excitement to your relationship. Please share your thoughts and updates!
Kanya
