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Oh Stephanie, I am so sorry. You must be devastated. You were so committed to working things through. His inability to do that and to be truly honest with you is a reflection on him, not you! He is a runner. By that I mean he is someone who runs in the face of stress and relationship conflict. Healthy relationships require a willingness to turn towards the difficulty and learn how to deal with it. He hasn’t done that and so he doesn’t have the skills to talk about what is bothering him and ask for what he needs and find a way to make things work. It is so sad that he is choosing this path rather than the one that would make him a more whole individual.
Time to trust your guy over what he is saying as he is no longer trust worthy. My sense is he did connect with her before he called off the wedding and found it easy to connect with her, and made the decision that easy is better. That is just not realistic. Couples have to learn to turn towards each other during times or stress-it isn’t something that just happens. It is something that developed with a lot of hard work and commitment. He could have shared this with you at any time and adjustments could have been made. Unfortunately he doesn’t get that. My sense is the reason he doesn’t like to be b the house because he is feeling immense guilt-and understandably so. Because he hasn’t learned how to process his emotions he feels sick and again turns away from what is causing his discomfort. Please, do all you can to teach your son how to work through things so that he has a different set of skills than his father and doesn’t end up making the same mistakes when he is an adult.
I know it sounds weird but I don’t think he has a safe place with her. It’s too soon to have developed that. I think i=he still feels safe with you but is finally ready to be open and honest about the reason he cancelled the wedding. Please take time to care for yourself and get your bearings in all of this. It could take some time. That is okay. Now your focus needs to be on you and your son. While you might want to act abruptly I encourage you to take some time before making and decisions. My sense is he will continue to give you mixed signals and it will take time to actually figure everything out. Are you working with a profession at this time while you go through this? Do you family and friends know what happened?
Kanya
Hi Marnie, Happy birthday! Mine was a few days ago and I believe in not just birthdays but birthday weeks. I hope you are taking advantage of this time and doing things that you enjoy.
I’m not sure how long the two of you have been dating or if this is an isolated incident or not but I do have an idea about what you can do. I would send him a light hearted text saying something simple like “I’m sorry we fought. I miss you and would love to talk when you are ready.” I know, it seems like it is too light, that you aren’t talking about what happened but honestly, that is the point for right now. Couples need to reconnect and get to a better place before they can work through a disagreement. When they are upset most couples keep arguing in an attempt to get their point across. Unfortunately this usually leads to more conflict. If you can take some time to make up, reconnect, then talk about the situation calmly, you might make more progress.
In the past how have the two of you managed conflict or differences of opinion. Do you think he was also upset by the way the situation was handled. Perhaps he felt disrespected? If so, I would all something like “I’m sorry we fought. I’m sorry if you felt disrespected, that was never my intention. I miss you and would love to talk when you are ready.” It will give him a sense that you do respect him and that your connection is more important than being right. Please let me know what you think about what I shared. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Martine, I can understand why your brain is working over time trying to figure things out. There are so many weird aspects to what he told you. My sense is there were clear lies, clear ways that he misled you. And perhaps there were things that were true as well. Any basic break up is difficult but dealing with so many questions is doubly so. Have you taken some time to talk to a therapist or coach about this. It seems as though there are so many levels that it might be helpful to have someone to talk with face to face that can help you work through this.
You talked about several things but one stood out for me. You mentioned feeling as though it were unfair that he gets a new start in a new city and you are still in your old life adjusting to the loss of him. Of course you would feel that way! Most people in your position would feel that way. You’re dealing with so much you don’t need to make things worse by beating up on yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Is there a way that you could make your current life feel exciting and new in some way. I think you ar ready for a new beginning and you certainly deserve one!
Have you noticed things that make you miss him more? How about noticing things that make you feel stronger and more self sufficient- even excited to move forward? I suggest you begin to keep a lost of the things that help you feel better. Then, when ever you start to miss him or feel a longing you have a whole list of things to remind you of what you can do to feel better. I’d love to hear about what you’ve already noted in this area!
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, The challenge with talking about her in any way is that he might try to defend or explain her in some way. Instead I would keep the focus on him being a great dad and leave her out of it for now. And remember what Heidi shared; it helps even if he doesn’t show it at first. Just being different with him, being yourself, is going to be so powerful for both of you and your connection.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, In the past, when the two of you had stopped communicating, who usually made the first move? What would happen to get there two of you reconnected?
Kanya
Hi Leeann, I can understand your frustration. It sounds like this guy gives you a lot of mixed messages. As you say; he says one thing and does another. Have you heard about or read about different attachment styles? There are 3 basic ones; secure, anxious, and avoidant. It sounds like this guy might be an avoidant. If you do a quick google search on avoidant attachment styles you’ll find a lot of information about this. I’d be curious to hear what you think about what you read about it. My sense is it is really difficult for this guy to attach in a secure way. He makes promises and manages to give you enough to start to feel as if he is moving towards you. Then, unexpectedly, he ends up moving away from you. Initially he will deny it and then will go under the radar. In the mean time, you feel crazy, confused, resentful, and sad. Then, he reappears and starts to seem as if he is moving forward. Then…the cycle repeats itself. Sound familiar?
I’m curious what made you decided to end things with him and how long ago was that?
Kanya
Hi Leeann, I can understand your frustration. It sounds like this guy gives you a lot of mixed messages. As you say; he says one thing and does another. Have you heard about or read about different attachment styles? There are 3 basic ones; secure, anxious, and avoidant. It sounds like this guy might be an avoidant. If you do a quick google search on avoidant attachment styles you’ll find a lot of information about this. I’d be curious to hear what you think about what you read about it. My sense is it is really difficult for this guy to attach in a secure way. He makes promises and manages to give you enough to start to feel as if he is moving towards you. Then, unexpectedly, he ends up moving away from you. Initially he will deny it and then will go under the radar. In the mean time, you feel crazy, confused, resentful, and sad. Then, he reappears and starts to seem as if he is moving forward. Then…the cycle repeats itself. Sound familiar?
I’m curious what made you decided to end things with him and how long ago was that?
Kanya
Hi Miranda, In answer to your question, I do think that what Heidi shared is a great text to start with. You don’t need to fear reminding him of this as he is vey aware of it. What he needs is a sense that you actually get it, you get how difficult this way for him and how sorry you feel about that. And, he needs to see that your re committed to making chances that would help the relationship work. The text is only the first step. Next is showing him, through actually doing it, that you are making those changes. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Alisha, I totally understand how painful this is. When we love someone our brain gets wired to be with that person, to rely on their presence, to trust that they are our person. When that goes away it feels very traumatic because it is traumatic. I can understand why the last 2 weeks has felt like agony. To have that connection suddenly stop is terrible. It is important to remember that your brain, heart, and mind will adjust to the change. It will get easier and eventually you will even feel other emotions besides the basic shock and agony you are now feeling. For someone to cut you off so abruptly tells you a lot about his character. Yes, he may have difficulty communication. Yes, his past continues to affect him and I can understand that you would want to help him. The thing is, if this is the way he deals with inner conflict and confusion now, this is how he will continue to deal with it. That is an emotional roller coaster which can feel devastating.
My guess is that talking made him feel worse because he has a lot of pain inside that needs to be released. That is painful to do so and takes a lot of work and strength. There are many things that we could talk about regarding him but for now I would like to focus on you. How are you taking care of yourself these days? Are you talking to a coach or counselor to help you figure out how to best support yourself right now? Are you friends and family stepping up to help you remember how amazing you are and the there is a future, a happy future, ahead of you with or without him?
Kanya
Hi Julie, I’m not exactly sure about what you are asking. Let me do some perception checking; the two of you broke up recently. The break up was amicable as most of the relationship has been. It sounds as though he sent an email saying he needed a clean slate. Is that accurate. If so, did you ask him to clarify what that meant?
Kanya
I also want to sat that what you are feeling is normal and understandable. Please create a support system of family and friends who can help you at this time. Take really good care of yourself too. Make sure you eat and sleep and slow the pace of life down a bit. Your brain is reeling from the lost of the man you were securely attached to and it will terrible for some time. Do everything you can to be gentle with yourself during this difficult time!
K
Oh Alisha, I am so sorry. You must be heart broken and in shock. You share that he didn’t complain about anything or tell you something was bothering him. Based on what you know if him, is he able to talk about those things with other people? Does he talk to friends or coworkers when something isn’t working for him. I guess I’m wondering if this is a character trait or something specific to this situation. Has anything like this ever happened between the two of you or in a past relationship? What do you know about his past?
Do you feel that there is never enough time? I wonder if he has been picking up on your stress or is just upset that he feels like he isn’t a priority given all that you have on your plate. Really think about any comments he has made about this and let me know what you think of. Please share more information so that we can better assist you. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Hannah, It is great to hear that the two of you has such an amazing time. The fact that he reached out to you today is a great sign. I can understand why you would want to keep the momentum going while avoiding over doing it. My suggestion is you step back a bit. Let him initiate contact 80% of the time and you initiate contact 20% of the time. When you do initiate keep it light, playful, and fun. Don’t complain that he isn’t giving you enough time etc. Instead, just be your playful self. This will remind him about how awesome you are and make him do what he can to make time to be with you. Yes, he is crazy busy and focused right now but I do think he wants to spend time with you when possible. If you want to pursue this I think it will require a lot of patience for possibly a long time. We don’t know what will happen with his business of when he will have more free time.
It reminds me of the work of Alison Armstrong. I think you might really enjoy learning more about her theory on “The Amazing Development of Man.” You can buy the book version or audio. It will help you understand men and their dedication to work and how their mates fit in to the equation!
Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, sounds frustrating. Just to clarify, in my experience igniting someones hero instinct is not about coming from a place of weakness or dependence. It can be down by the strongest women and still be effective. I get that your not comfortable with it and that is okay, I just needed to clarify.
You shared that you are good with things and that you know that in time he will be back. So, how can I support you at things point?
Kanya
