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Hi Miranda, I think that sending the text Heidi suggested, in your own words, is an important step. No, he may not respond immediately but I think it would be a benefit in the end for you to admit that you understand what is upsetting him and show him that you are growing. Otherwise, he is going to assume that the difficulty that was present in the past would be present in the future. Does that make sense? I know that it is scary to send it. Yup, he might not respond and that would feel really crappy. But you are really wanting to shake things up, do something different in a radical way. I encourage you to go for it!
Kanya
Hi Lasadia, I’m glad he finally responded. You must be feeling a deeper sense of calm that the door is still open. Even though things do seem to be going in the right direction, I would caution you about trying to move forward too soon. He is gaining comfort in communicating but it remains to be seen if he will take the next step and meet. Then, there are many steps after that which he would need to take to get this back to a connection that is really a relationship. So, pace yourself. Be realistic in your expectations. IF you find yourself feeling frustrated that things aren’t developing more quickly, take a step back, connect with us, and take care of yourself. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Adeline, My sense is your observations are on track with him and his personality. Yes, we all get triggered by different behavior and yes we aren’t always clear about our own blind spots but there are several things going on here that will lead to a difficult relationship.
To me, the biggest challenge is that he seems incapable of talking directly to you about the relationship. Instead, he talks to his family who then communicate his thoughts and feelings with you. That is not a sign of a guy who is emotionally mature. In essence, his sister is ending the relationship with you. That must be so hurtful and confusing to you. His family is most likely invested in him staying closer to them than a GF. Otherwise, they would be encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone and learn how to talk to you, how to express himself, and how to be an active part of creating the relationship.
I’m sorry to say but I don’t think this is going to change any time soon. It is a family dynamic that is working for him and his sister. Do you want to have a relationship with him directly or with him via his sister?
I totally get that it has been a long time since you were with someone. I would imagine that connecting with someone must have felt really satisfying and fun in many ways. And, I get that it must be scary to think that maybe, if this ends, there won’t be anyone else in the near future. No one wants to think about being alone when what they really want is to be connected. The challenge is, this is not the guy you can build with. He is overly committed to his family of origin and they are committed to keeping him dependent. I’ve counseled hundreds of couples over the years and this type of dynamic is incredibly debilitating for couples.
To repeat what Heidi asked, if he stays the same do you see yourself being happy with him in 10 years?
Kanya
Hi Judith, I am so glad that you are writing in for some support. There are a lot of red flags in this situation that I would pay attention to. First, he spend a lot of time texting before meeting you. While he was a gentleman on your date, it sounds like maybe he was moving a bit too fast, creating a connection that takes time to build. When that happens things often end just as quickly as they begin. Next, you mention that he has has more than one marriage. This is always something to be concerned about. Yes, many people divorce at some time but having multiple marriages is definitely something to pay attention to.
Next, he spent a lot of time telling you he doesn’t respect a women who sleeps with him on the first date. I imagine this would expand to the first few dates. Yet, he asked you to come to your home for the second date. My sense is he may have tried to seduce you and then judged you for being seduced. Does that make sense? After he asked about coming to your home have you heard from him? Did he respond to your questions or has he gone silent and is only appearing on the dating site?
Kanya
Hi Kerry, I can imagine that his going other lake with her would be hurtful. Have you sent a text igniting his hero instinct lately? Think of something that he is good at or knows a lot about. Then, send a text that simply says “I need your help.” When he responds, ask for the help you need. Then, let him know how helpful he was and take a step back. When he experiences you as fun and easy going he will start to think about you, wonder about you, remember the good times, etc.
I know you want this to turn quickly but it took some time to fall apart and if it is to turn it will take some time to do that as well. In the mean time, how are you doing in your life? Are you practicing a high level of self care, loving yourself, and making your life fuller and more satisfying?
Kanya
Hey Tiffany, Ca you please share more about what is occurring for the two of you? How long have you been dating? Are you guys feeling good and solid? Was there an argument or disagreement that proceeded him ignoring you? The more details you can share the better. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, It sounds like you need to get clear on what you want and need and then talk to your ex about things. I realize it won’t be a happy conversation but it seems like it is a necessary one at this stage. You are carrying too much of the burden in all of this and it is time to let him start to pick up some of the pieces. What is your ideal scene for the next 6 months. Do you want to stay in the house for now? What type of financial arrangement would work for you?
I would do some research and find some free legal services so that you can get some counsel on how to proceed. I am so sorry that all of this is happening and I can only imagine how difficult this is. Remember, you are stronger than you realize. You will get through this even though you aren’t sure how that will happen. Is there anything that you can call on spiritually to bring you strength? Also, are you close with an older adult, parents, aunt, friend, who can reassure you and counsel you at this time?
Kanya
Hi Elisabeth, Wow, I am so p proud of how you are handling this. Well done! In my experience, when clients make a clear intention to better themselves and make everything an opportunity for learning their world opens up in countless ways!
Have you been to the Irresistible Insight section of our site? James has shared so many amazing insights that you can access as part of your membership in this site. I suggest that you take a look at what is there and what speaks to you. Keep building your knowledge base and things will start to change in amazing ways!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, I can totally understand your desire to hit back after what you’ve been through. While it does make sense, think it through as Heidi said and don’t act until you are sure of what you want to do.
I would look for a community legal program that would allow you to get no cost legal advice. How were finances set up before all of this happened? I’m sure you are thinking of all your options but you may need to think outside the box. Can you move in with family or friends until the finances get sorted out? Can a friend move in and rent a room to help you pay for expenses? At a minimum you are entitled to child support. One you know what that amount will be you will have a better idea of what you can afford. Can you stay in the house for the time being and afford to pay for the utilities? Have you considered public programs that would help you pay for food etc?
Kanya
Hi Sadie, Welcome to the forum. I’m so glad you are here!
I’m sorry that he is flaking on you. I too hope he is okay. My guess is that he just got really uncomfortable about hanging out and maybe revisiting the past. That doesn’t mean that this was your intention, I think he was just skittish about it. So, as hard as it is I would respond to him as if he was just a friend who failed to meet you for breakfast. However you would respond to a friend, that is how you need to respond to him at this point. Since you have already reached out 2x this morning, for now take a step back. Let him respond to you when he is ready. Hopefully, after some time, he will be able to explain what happened. Please stay in touch as we are here to support you.
Kanya
Hi Alisha, You are doing great! I really acknowledge you for how you are handling this. It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job! I agree that you can’t be everyone’s savior. In actuality, you can’t be anyones savior. You can love them, support them, and care for them but you can’t save them. In the future, if you re with someone you feel like you could save of change in some way be sure to move slowly and really get to know who that person is. WOuldn’t it be great to be with someone who can give as much as you do? Keep moving forward and keep us posted on how you are doing!
Kanya
HI Kerry, Wow, I really want to acknowledge you of how you are going through all of this. You really are using all of this to learn and grow. That is amazing and something that will support you in life no matter what happens between you and him. I think it is a good time to take a step back and focus on you. This will give him a chance to wonder where you are and what you are doing. During this time be sure to take good care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you and remind you of how amazing you are!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, no need to apologize. I’m so sorry that this continues to unravel though I am not surprised. He is going in a lot of different directions and unfortunately pulling everyone close to him intros different directions as well. I know it sounds weird but I would stop asking him what he wants you to do i.e.; should I stay here or find a different place to stay. I would stay put for now. Let him come and go and if he stays the night let him sleep on the couch. Nothing else.
I know this may sound extreme but I wonder if it would be helpful to talk to an attorney at this time to see what your options are. I wouldn’t tell him that you are doing it but I think knowledge is a good thing. It sounds like your work might also provide some legal counsel which would make it easy.
I can’t imagine how shocking all of this might feel for you. It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job and I give you so much credit. When he pokes at you in test I would simply ignore him. Don’t take the bait. I think that he is trying to create more conflict to feel justified in what he has done and is doing. By creating conflict his conscience is eased. He can say to himself, and others, ‘look how bad things are. Look at how difficult she is to be around’ etc. Vent to your friends, counselor, us but do your best to stay silent with him. Don’t play into that and he will have no where to look but within. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Martine, Yes, it must feel good to feel some anger. In many ways we need to get to the point of anger before we can truly let go. I was thinking of an exercise that might be helpful to you right now. I would start to write him a letter every day, saying al the things you want to say. Write it on paper and don’t hold back. Say everything you wanted to say when you were together and everything you want to say now. Then, when you are done, rip the pages into times pieces and throw them away. Do this every day for a week and see how what you change and how much you have to say changes. I like the you see that writing about it is helpful because it really is.
Many of my clients wonder why they can’t keep the letters of send them. Well, the point is to get the thoughts out of you. Rereading them just puts the thoughts and feeling back into you. So, rip then up and throw them away. The reason you don’t send them is two fold. First, you don’t want to be thinking of their reaction when you write the letters. If you are then you probably won’t be as authentic and as in touch with your anger as you could be. Next, you don’t want to jump your feelings ad emotions on him. Even though you are rightfully angry and hurt, you don’t want to burn the house down emotionally. You want to help yourself process this, let it go, and come to a place of inner peace. This is a gift that you are giving yourself. The more you can get the feelings out the quicker you will heal.
I know if can be uncomfortable to do so but in the end it will be well worth it!
Kanya
Hi Leeann, Actually, we all have different needs for closeness and space. Some people get this and learn to ask for space and navigate that need in a healthy way. Some of us don’t feel we are allowed to have space or end up feeling guilty so we don’t always do it in a healthy way. I’m happy to help you sort this out a bit more if you like? Tell me what it looks like of you to have a hard time being around someone all the time?
Kanya
