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Hi Lee, I am really in awe of your strength in all of this. Of course it has taken you awhile to remember who you are and all that you are capable of. I am intrigued by the sound of your winter project — I hope it goes as planned!
You are asking about the Relationship Rewrite but I am not sure what you are asking. The Relationship Rewrite is available on our site if you are interested. It really is an amazing program that you might find helpful. You can find it under the “Your Products” tab above on the left. If you have a specific question about it, would you mind resubmitting? Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Luisa, Great question. You want to ask him opinions about things he does know about or has some knowledge of. Otherwise, he may not have an answer for your question. Have you thought specifics for what you would like to ask? You can definitely ask for a recommendation on movie night or computers. You could also ask for a movie recommendation and then watch it together on Netflix party or another app.
Kanya
Hi Shayla, Have you told him that you realize you put too much on him? Have you shared the realization that you need to connect with more than just a boyfriend when things are difficult? Have you shared that you treated him in an unfair manner?
Can you meet up and talk about these things? You were only together for 4 months and that really is a new relationship. It would make sense if you were both deciding what you wanted and what you felt for each other. It would make sense if one, or both or you, wasn’t yet sure about a future. Can you share what level of commitment you were/are wanting at this stage?
Kanya
Hi Simmonds, I am glad that you are safe. I don’t think this is about who is right and who is wrong. There is a level of disconnect that is getting in the way. While he may not have sensed his aloof behavior on Saturday, you did. That is what matters. At times he pushes you away emotionally and you are tuned into this-he is not tuned in to this. He is not open to hearing that you are sensing something if it is different than what he is sensing.
Did you want to talk to him while you were driving on Saturday? If so, let him know rather than assuming that he will know what you need. We are all responsible for communicating our needs. Would you agree that the two of you often misunderstand each other? Sometimes personalities get in the way and things just don’t go smoothly enough for a relationship to be tolerated let alone grow. There is a book that I think would help called “How to be an Adult in Relationship.” To clarify, it will help you determine if this is a workable relationship for you. Again, this is not about whether you are enough for him. That is a relationship grenade that he drops when he is angry and hurt. At this point, what percentage of the time are you actually happy and fulfilled in this relationship? How much work should a relationship be?
Kanya
Hi Lisa, I can understand your frustration. Do the two of you talk about creating a future together? Are you on the same page with where things are going or is he in a wait and see place?
Just to clarify, does he say that he loves you but not in that way? It sounds like there is passion but perhaps him definition of love is very small and he is having a difficult time figuring things out. What was the reason the two of you tok a break this summer? What it related to this specifically?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, I am wondering, are you finding ways to have fun these days? I know if might sound crazy but given all the tis happening in the would, and in your world, what are you doing to enjoy life a bit, to slow down, to find simple pleasures in a regular day?
Kanya
Hi Shayla, Welcome to the forum. I can understand your frustration here. You are wondering how he feels about you. It seems as though he does care for you but are you wanting more than that? Are you wanting him to express his feelings in a certain way?
You mentioned that you are happy now and wonder if he wants you back simply because of that. The think is, a happy ad fulfilled woman is truly irresistible. He is seeing that in you and I’m guessing it is attractive. You mention that you had been feeling with depression and are very emotional. How did you express that in this relationship? Do you think that he was affected by the depression or out of balance emotions? Can you share more about that dynamic for me?
Kanya
Hi Caroline, It sounds as though he continues to run hot and cold. I will be honest, I don’t think he really gets this and is not making any steps to make changes. I get that this new guy is not as exciting but maybe part of the excitement is the ups and downs of this guy. Often, itial excitement is not a good sign. Slowly building something is shown to be more effective in building something that will last.
I’m still curious, why do you think that you had a sense that this would end badly when you started to date?
Kanya
Hi Luisa, Welcome to the forum. You ask a great and relevant question. Even though you can’t see a guy in person there are definite ways to ignite his hero instinct. You can ask for his help with something he knows a lot about. If he is good at home repair, show him something that you need to fix and ask him to walk you through it. If he knows a lot about wine, ask him about a pairing for Thanksgiving dinner. If he is good with money, ask for advice on how to reach a specific financial goal such as getting a mortgage or investing your money. If he is an IT person, ask how to explain something technical to you. If he is a teacher, ask for ideas on how a friend can better support their children in remote learning. Does this make sense?
Can you tell me what he does for a loving, what he is good at, what his interests are and we can formulate some specific examples. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Caroline, I am not surprised by his texts as this guy has not idea what he wants and doesn’t think through his actions and behavior. There is no consistency or clarity on his part. That will mean that as long as you are interacting with him there will be o consistency or clarity on your part. He seems like your kryptonite. He confuses you and makes you think there is a chance when there is not a chance. The fact that he deleted that text confirms that he doesn’t know what he wants and is a danger to your heart.
You shared that when you first started to date him you knew that this would end badly for you. Each time you lithium back in you expose yourself to yet a new bad ending. What is it you are hoping to accomplish with meeting him again? Do you want things to get back on track? Do you want him to give this another try? Are you willing to do this if he is the person that he is right now? If he doesn’t change or grow in any way, is this the person that you want and want to be in a relationship?
Kanya
Rhonda, Can you work remotely while in Calgary? I wonder if that will be an option? Either way, I am hoping this all works out and you can get home for a bit. It is difficult to be away form home for the holidays. Hope you have a fun and active weekend!
Kanya
Hi Emile, Sounds like you had a great birthday! That is fantastic! I love that it was looking like it would be a lonely day and it got turned around. What a reflection of the love that your family and friends have for you! I love that you have no interest in that guy and are not having second thoughts. Clarity in these situations is priceless.
Ughhh, I hear you on an earlier curfew. The U.S. is too big and has too many competing intentions for anything to occur nationally but I am hoping that locally there are more rules in the near future. Again, it would be state by state or area by area. I live outside of Philadelphia where, for the most part, people are wearing masks in stores etc and social distancing. Of course, not everyone is doing that but our local government is supporting this. I recently drove down the east coast to Florida. The Southern states have a different mind set and different rules. Lots of people not wearing masks which is so weird to see right now. We have our presidential election in 2 weeks and it is a mess here. Bracing for a tough winter with Covid. Anyway, stay safe!
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am sorry that you won’t be able to get home for the holidays. I think the reality of this winter and a different holiday season is starting to hit a lot of people. My practice has never been more full and people are really struggling.
Have you ever heard of a therapy light. It is a really cool thing. It mimics the type of light that the sun produces and research shows that using it for 30 minutes a day for several weeks can be as effective as an antidepressant. You can get one on Amazon. Look fr one that has 10,000 LUX light. I use it in the winder as Pennsylvania is super grey from November-March. Sometimes I use it while I’m on my Pelaton and I feel amazing. I also use it in the afternoon when I start to get tired around 2 and it gives me energy. Do some research and see if you want to give it a try!
Kanya
Hi Simmons, I really hear you are learning moe about this which is great. I also feel the need to say that if this ever feels too hard or isn’t something that you want to do anymore, that is your decision to make. He does not have to agree and you do not need his permission. We all have the choice about who we spend time with, who we get close to, who we create relationships with. We are here to support you so please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Vino, I am so glad that you trusted your instinct and signed up for the program. I can’t wait to hear how it goes for you! I really acknowledge your awareness that you need to learn to refill your tank before being able to give to others. And, I wonder if it would be helpful to also learn how not to go in at 200% and then feel the burn out. While you re highly empathic and giving, finding balance is always an important goal. Learning to balance our masculine and feminine energies is also a goal. There is no one way to be a woman and no one way to be a man. We all have to find our own path. Can you imagine earning a good living doing something you enjoy? That seems to be your goal and an important one. You deserve to have an income that will afford you the base necessities in life including a home! Have you worked since the store closed?
Kanya
