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Hi Marisela, Wow, I really feel for you. I imagine you are feeling many things right now.
You mentioned that he now wants you to terminate. I’m wondering how you are feeling about all of this. What is your heart and gut saying about having a second child? You already know that it is a huge endeavor and being a single parent is not for for the faint of heart. Have you been able to take a breather and get clear about what you want related to this? In the end you will be the one to live with the decision day in and day out. You’ve done this before, is it something you want to do again, even if you aren’t sure how?
Kanya
Hi Meg, Wow, this is an amazing realization. It sounds as though you have really done some inner work to heal. I really acknowledge you as that is not easy work to do.
I also acknowledge your attitude as you sound very empowered and open to learning. Can you share a bit about what motivated you to move out of the old role and begin to feel more empowered?
Kanya
Hi Meg, so glad you joined us. This is a great insight. The hero factor really is so powerful when used with our guys in the right way. Please keep us posted regarding your experiences using it! WE love to hear success stories.
Kanya
Hi Miranda, I really understand your concern. I think he posted the pic in response to the pic you posted. Making each other jealous won’t bring the two of you back together. On the contrary, it will create more distance. Yes, he might ignore your message but that doesn’t mean it won’t be helpful. You need to think of this as a long game. By that I mean that it will take a lot of time and patience to get things back on track. And, it will require a level of vulnerability as well. You will need to take some emotional risks. Letting him know you miss him is more risk than posting a pic of your date. I know it is really scary to do so but what you have been doing isn’t working to get him back. It seems to be working to create more space between the two of you which is the opposite of what you are hoping for.
Let’s say you sent the text and he ignored it. What should you do? Nothing in particular. You share something vulnerable and if he doesn’t respond you just live your life, continue to work on yourself, and send him a friendly text in a few weeks just checking in. He needs to work through his emotions about all of this and it will take some time. That is one thing that most people don’t really talk about needing in a relationship but it is vital. WE all need the time and space to process things in the way that works for us. For many men that means distance to work through things. While that can be difficult it is beneficial to give then the space because it lets them process and work their way back to us. So, how are you feeling about being a little more vulnerable with him? Letting him know how you really feel?
Kanya
Hi Evelyn, Yes, I do think he needs a friend to talk to. That is a great insight. Do you think that you can be that friend right now. It will require a lot listening and empathy even if you can’t change the situation. That could be difficult for most people given the situation but it you can work with the feelings that come up for you then I think being his friend could deepen the connection between the two of you.
I love the way you are supporting him, listening, and asking open ended questions. You really are doing a great job. Are you feeling closer to him? Perhaps it is time to ignite his hero instinct a bit? How did you do this in the past?
Kanya
Hi Gina, I’m so sorry that this is happening. It sounds so frustrating and confusing. I have a few ideas about how to turn this around.
I’m not sure why you decided to move to a different bedroom but I recommend you move back stat! Yes, there are ways that his ex is trying to come between the two of you but you two need to work really hard at not doing that to yourselves. Even if he is doing things that are upsetting and confusing, you need to be willing to stay connected to him while he goes through what ever he is going through. I would start by letting him know that you miss him and your decision to move into the other bedroom was a reaction to being fearful of losing him. Let him know that you love him and want to work through things.
Next, stop reacting when his ex texts him. My sense is that the accident with his grandson has pulled the family unit together as these situations tend to. They are still figuring out how to have boundaries in this situation given they are no longer together. This is common and will just take some time to figure out. My sense is he still loves you and wants to be with you but is feeling some guilt about how to help in this situation. If possible, empathize with the situation that he is going through. Let him know that it makes sense that they are communicating more given the accident. Move slowly but consistently back to the relationship that the two of you had. Be there for him to talk about what he is going through to help rebuild the connection.
You can start to reignite his hero instinct in small ways, “Honey, can you open the wine for me? Can you reach that for me? Can you move this for me?” Start with small things so he can start to be your hero. Grow from there. In what ways have you ignited his hero instinct in the past?
Kanya
Hi Gina! I saw that you posted your question in 2 different areas. I responded in the other post! It would probably be easier if we just use one thread and let this one go. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Miranda, If you aren’t ready to send him a text I’m thinking that the best thing to do at this time is to take a step back. Doing so would give you each a chance to calm down and reset. Right now the communication between the two of you is indirect and negative. Taking a few weeks off would give you a chance to reset and also give him a chance to wonder where you are, what you are doing, and who you are doing it with. Your distance may be more powerful right now than anything you could say. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, So happy to hear that the two of you had such a wonderful time together! I really hope that things continue to grow in positive ways. Let us know how the surgery goes on Wednesday. hopefully this is the last one!
Kanya
Hi Kim, Just checking in to see if what Coach Heidi shared made sense and if you have any additional questions that we can help you with?
Kanya
Hi Jessica, Somehow your initial post was not responded to. So sorry for the delay.
I’m not sure what has happened with your guy since you wrote in so I will respond to your original post and you can give me an update. I would be really wary of this guy for several reasons. First, he said he loved you after only a week when the two of you ad not even met in person. This is a huge red flag. It takes a long time to really love someone, it is something that builds over time. Saying it prematurely gives you the sense that he is far more committed than he really is. How can he be committed at this point? There is so much distance and so much to really learn about each other.
Also, he is following a lot of women on social media. I get the sense he likes flirting and communicating with so many different women. Given his habits I don’t think this is someone that could actually commit to being in a real relationship. I get the sense that your gut is telling you something very important when you said “But I can’t ignore the fact that he’s most likely lying and maybe dating with many other girls.”
Pease give me an update on where things are and how you are feeling about all of this.
Kanya
Hi Kerry, It must have been really difficult to share all of that. I really acknowledge you. You sound really clear but I find myself wondering how you are doing with all of this? None of it is easy and I imagine you are still feeling a lot of heart ache.
I was struck my the mixed messages he was giving you even in that message. He said that he was open to working nothings but called the fact that he is already dating someone ‘complicated.’ It’s as if he is taking no responsibility for the fact that it is his decision to date someone and it would also be his decision to stop dating her and refocus on your relationship. That must be difficult to really know what he wants.
One things I tell my clients when a persons words and behavior don’t match is to lower the volume. By that I mean put the words aside and listen to what their behavior is telling you. Right now he is dating someone else, not ending it with her, not reinvesting in his previous relationship. That is the reality that you are dealing with. Based on that, I think you are wise to end things for now. You always have the choice to work on things should be stop seeing her and chose to shift his focus back to the relationship. In the mean time, how is your heart feeling these days? Do take good care of yourself as you go through this difficult time. Spend time resting and doing things that feel nurturing. Also, I suggest you spend time with family and friends who help to remind you of how awesome you are!
Kanya
Hi Reka, I’m so glad you joined and are reaching out for some ideas. Welcome! It really is amazing when we meet someone that we feel such a kinship with, isn’t it. Unfortunately this is a complicated situation. I hope that your daughter is not aware of the feelings the two of you have for one another. If she is, and she already thinks of him as a father figure, then any disruption to that could cause a lot of confusion and upset. Given the circumstances, there will absolutely be disruption in all of this.
I understand that you are wanting to run into this. Of course you want that. It has been a long time since you felt the love, appreciation, and connection that we all want and deserve. The challenge is, as you know, it will be some time before the two of you can unravel your current lives and have the space to even see if you want to create a life together. I do think that it is possible to form a healthy relationship but it will require a lot of patience. When things come up it will be important to turn towards each other rather than away from each other. Utilizing these difficulties to build healthy communication and connection is key.
In terms of igniting his hero instinct, I think what initially drew him to the two of you. He probably senses something that was needed and was happy to give it to you both. Be reasonable in your expectations of each other and look for small ways that he can continue to help you. In terms of a conversation, I would casually say something like “sometimes I think that it would be amazing if we could just be together without all of the other confusion in our lives” can see how he responds. Leaving a spouse, children, a life that has taken years to build is a huge endeavor and one that should not be considered lightly. Are you doing what you need to do to continue to love and care for yourself?
Kanya
Hi Deanna, It sounds like you are ready for more given that your main focus, your bar and restaurant, have been sold. That makes sense as you probably feel a bit lost without the structure and focus that the bar gave you. Have you envisioned what you want? Living together, getting married, or just spending more time together? This is important because you need to compare what you want with what he is actually capable of.
The thing is, it has been 20 years with things being this way. He has been able to come and go, do what he wants, and while it sometimes creates conflict you have always taken him back. There is a clear pattern and in a way he already knows that he doesn’t have to commit to you to be with you when he wants. I’m not sure anything can change a pattern that is this ingrained. He has avoided a deeper emotional bond for so long that I don’t know if it is possible to go back and correct it. Have the two of you talked about it calmly? Is he aware that you want more and if so what is his response? Please share some more details so that we can help.
Kanya
