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Hi Cheryl, I am so sorry that this is happening. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I know it is difficult but it is important to also be focusing on your health right now. You being healthy again is vital to be able to manage what ever is happening here. I encourage you to make sure you are sleeping and eating and getting the care you need and deserve!
Have you considered telling him your concerns? I’m not sure what your relationship has been like in the past, if the two of you are open with each other in this way etc. The thing is, I’m not sure how you can manage this if the two of you aren’t being honest about what is going on or what you think is going on. You shared that they messaged each other on Facebook. Do you know who that person is? Is she someone you have interacted with, a long term friend, or someone who is new to his life? It is important that you not jump to conclusions until you have learned more about the situation. Again, the best way to do that might be to speak with him directly when he is at home and the two of you are together!
Just curious, you shared that he sends you morning and evening texts. Is that because he is working and frequently away from home? Looking forward to hearing back from you! And Heidi said, hang in there!
Kanya
Hi Katherine, I am glad that time has made you more certain of your decision. It is such a deeply complicated situation that disengaging from it seems like the best thing to do.
In terms of sending her a message, can you tell me more what your intention is with that? Getting clear on why you want to do it might help you determine if it is the appropriate step at this time. From my perspective you may be opening the door to further complications by inviting her to communicate with you. It’s like you are closing one door and opening another in this situation which could prove to bring more complications into your life. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Navina, I get that it can feel intimidating. That is what we all feel when we are interested in someone and wanting to make a move that could open up a new door. So, It’s totally normal and natural to feel awkward. The thing is, you need to be willing to feel that feeling and move forward anyway! The only way people learn, grow, and create is by being willing to step outside of their comfort zone.
So, why not send him a short message opening up the conversation again? Something like, “Hey, Thanks again for all the help with the course. Your support continues to help me everyday! How are you, how is your summer going?”
Yes, it will feel scary and awkward but you are just reaching out in a friendly way which is a great place to start! Give it a try and let us know how it goes! I would also take a look at the Irresistible Insights page and read up on how to be more irresistible, how to develop flirting skills, etc.
Kanya
Hey Melanie, This is a complicated situation. I can imagine how confusing things must feel at times.
You asked an interesting question above. You wanted to know how to be in a FWB situation and not get emotionally connected. The things is, not everyone can do that. Humans are wired for connection. Purposefully turning that off is difficult. Instead I encourage you to get REALLY clear about what you want i your life. DO you want a relationship? Do you want a FWB situation? My guess is you are willing to settle for a FWB situation in hopes that it becomes more. That is what most people want but realize that he has been good at avoiding an actual relationship for a long time. I don’t know that he is going to change. That means that you are going to need to do all the challenging and that doesn’t seem fair or realistic.
For now, what if you took a step back. Got clear on what you truly want. And then see if this guy fits YOUR plans, YOUR goals. My sense is there is a lot of gold in the time you will spend on your own figuring things out!
Kanya
Hi Pamela, I am so glad that you are sharing with us. It sounds like a really painful and confusing situation. There are many reason why a man cheats jut like there are many ingredients that go into a passionate sexual connection. I’m really glad that the two of you are in counseling. I think that could really help you both figure some things out.
I have a thought that I would like to share. Rather than it being discomfort about your job, I wonder if he feels you are in charge at home. Men can feel emasculated for thing that we don’t even realize might be bothering them. When the two of you argue, what does he complain about? What behaviors upset him? What type of change has he asked for? Feel free to share more and let’s see if we can figure this out a bit more. As a therapist and coach I have found that people do know what is bothering them and tend to share it quickly. The problem sets in when the other partner minimizes what they said or challenges it. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, This is great. It sounds as though the two of you are taking your time and building something sweet. I also hear that he is staying connected which helps to build our confidence and give us a sense that things are moving forward. this is great.
I want to highlight something you shared. You said that you had just been thinking about wanting to spend more time together. When we hold a clear vision, free from attachment, we become a powerful magnet to what we want. I would keep working with this and actually develop the skill to attract more of what you want. Let me know if that makes sense!
Kanya
Hi Christina, I am so glad that you have joined us. I am so sorry that you didn’t get a response sooner. I’m not sure why that happened but it is not the norm.
So, you guys are hanging out but it hasn’t moved to the next level. I can understand how frustrating and confusing that can be. There are several booklets of the Irresistible Insight page that I think would be helpful. First, “Help Him Ask You Out” and also “Make him work for it.” Both will give you sooooo many great ideas about how to take this to the next level. Read through them and start to implement the suggestions. In a way you are going to become a relationship researcher. See what suggestions have a positive affect and be sure to do them more and more.
Some guys are sensitive to rejection and will take a long time to make the first move. So, the more you can be encouraging the better. Be sure to flirt, touch his arm occasionally, smile, laugh at his jocks, etc. It may sound silly but he is looking for signs that it is safe for him to make the next move.
Any updates since you first posted?
Kanya
Hi Nancy, Here is a like to the American Psychiatric Association. The article does a great job explaining PTSD.
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsdTake a look and let us know how you see this applying to your guy!
Kanya
Ali, I’m so proud of you! This is wonderful, you did something very important here-you took a step back. While this is scary at times it is so vital. It is vital to you and to him. When we step back we get a different perspective. We become less focused on what our guy is doing for us and more focused on feeling good inside of ourselves. As you said, life starts to feel ‘normal’ again. And, as a guy feels he has more space he will start to come closer! It’s amazing!
I also think that as you positively respond to his attempts at affection he will get batter at it. I had a boyfriend years ago who wasn’t very affectionate. Once, when I was upset, he reached out and touched my arm. The thing it, he touched me as though he was petting the dog. Now I knew I had a choice-praise him for what he was doing or make fun of how he was doing it. I realized that if I made fun of him he wouldn’t try again so I acknowledged him instead. He was willing to keep trying and got more tuned in about my needs for affection. Do you know what his love language is?
Kanya
Hi Pamela, That is a great question.I like your suggestion of using feeling words when talking to him. That would be supportive. What I think would be most powerful would be to be physically affectionate with him. More touching, more caressing. When you walk past him let your arm touch his hair. Offer to rub his shoulders when he is tired. Kiss him more. When you are at dinner of talking rest your hand on his arm and caress him. Find ways to incorporate physical touch throughout the day. These are the ways that he will feel loved!
Kanya
Hi Pamela, I’m so glad that you enjoyed the article. I give this out to my clients as they are beginning a relationship to help them remember that they can fall in love and still be themselves. It sounds like you have found a way to have a strong marriage with a great guy! Glad you are on the forum. I look forward to hearing more from you!
Kanya
Hi Nancy, I’m glad you met someone that you feel that connection with. It is rare to feel that. SO, I think that this is a complicated person. PTSD is a very complex disorder and it affects people differently. Have you taken the time to do some research about this and what it can look like? The reason I ask if because of you continue to date him his PTSD will affect you as well-possibly on a daily basis. It is difficult for many people with PTSD to function and participate in a relationship. It really depends on what his symptoms are and if he is actively in therapy with someone who specializes in treating PTSD. If he isn’t in therapy then nothing will change and it will be difficult to be with someone who has untreated PTSD.
Right now you are at the very beginning of this journey. He has disconnected and we aren’t sure if that is because he is consciously working through something or if he is overwhelmed and not able to participate in a relationship. Your first priority is to continue to learn about who is actually is.
Now, this can be complicated. Like anyone, he may describe things that are different than they actually are. That is just human. Which is why it is important to really trust your eyes, your gut, and decide who he is based on experience. That will take some time. Before you make any decisions or become more attached, slow down and really get to know him. Have you met his friends and family? They have more experience with how his PTSD manifests and could ultimately be a good resource for you to learn more.
For now, I would wait a few days and if you haven’t heard from him then send him a text that ignites his hero instinct. If anything will get his attention it will be that. Please keep checking in as we are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Ali, Just wanted to circle back and see how you are feeling these days? I know you have a lot to think about and a lot to decide. Just know that we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Lee, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I love when community members interact and support each other. I totally agree that positive reinforcement works more effectively than negative reinforcement. My guess is that after 2 years Ali probably has used a variety of techniques to try to get her needs met. Can you tell me more about how this has been a positive for you?
Kanya
