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Hi Zoi, Uhhhhh. I am sorry that he is dealing with his feelings in this way. I can understand how frustrating and confusing this must be. You have a few choices here as to how to proceed. You could take a step back and not communicate for 30 days. Just focus on you and taking care of yourself. Then, in about a month, you could send a text igniting his hero instinct. Something like “I need your help.” Then, when he responds, as for actual help with something or ask for his opinion about something he knows a lot about.
While I do believe that you have a right to have all of your questions answered, I don’t think he is in the place of answering them for you. What I think will happen is you will send him a communication and he will ignore it. That will understandably make you more upset and confused. I think if you give him some space first, you may have a better chance of him opening up to you in the future.
While I can’t say of share why he asked you to the wedding, my guess is he wanted to go with someone and it made the most sense to go with you. I don’t mean to be harsh but I also don’t want you to think that by asking you he is ready for more. I think the signals he is giving you are clear that he needs space. Is is because he is scared? Is it because he is interested in someone else? Either is a possibility. Prior to him ending the relationship had the two of you had any arguments or had he been upset about anything?
Kanya
Hi Jean, I can understand why you are questioning this. This the of behavior can be really frustrating and confusing. While the Chive has all different types of photos it sounds like he gravitates towards more sexual or seductive ones. This seems like a form of social media and many people have developed addictions to more and more information and images. Do you feel he treats you different as a result of looking at this sites? It sounds as though the two of you have a solid and caring relationship. DO you feel he is there for you in a supportive way? If he were to stop looking at these sites what do you imagine would be different?
I responded to your initial question a fee days ago on a different forum thread and I’m curious what you think about what I shared.
Kanya
Hi Melissa, This is really complicated. If he marries you he creates possibly permanent conflict with his family. If he doesn’t marry you he gives up the person he loves and wants. I think his current decision is to do nothing concrete. You live together, share a life together, love each other but you aren’t legally married. So he is 35, how old are you? If you want children are you willing to have children without being married?
I know that marriage is important on a lot of levels to a lot of people. Can you share with us why it is important to you? What will it give you that is not currently present in the relationship?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, SO let me do some perception checking. When you wrote : I do not want to lose my mother’s Love she rase me shes my heart and soul and I do not want to leave you!” are you referring to something that he said to you? If so, it seems that this might be part of the challenge he is facing. If he marries you it sounds as though it will create friction, and possibly a break, between him and his mom. If that is the case he is avoiding the decision to make a choice between you and his mom. That much be really painful for him.At this time inaction is the best action on his part because it delays upsetting either of the women that he loves.
I guess I’m still not clear if the two of you have had an open conversation about this? Perhaps starting the conversation by saying something like “I get how difficult this is for you. It seems that by marrying me you may be shutting the door on your family. Can you help me understand this more. Maybe, together, we can figure out a solution.” Then, just listen to what he says. Don’t argue or try to change his feelings. Listen and empathize with the difficult position he is in. Doing so may help him see that he has been pt in an unfair situation.
I’m wondering if his dad is aware of this and if he could be of any help to his son in this situation?
Kanya
Hi Jolene, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is so difficult to realize you love and want someone only to find out that they are with someone else. I agree that you need time to grieve and process all of this. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist at this time? The reason I ask is because processing this type of grieve can be challenging and working with someone who knows the path and can guide you is always helpful!
I’m sorry that this is not working for you. I will pass your concerns on to customer service. If you decide to be part of the forum in the future we would be happy to support you in any way we can! All the best.
Kanya
Hi Jean, This is a great question. I think there are many personal reasons that a guy looks at porn. Men are wired to be more physically driven sexually. From a young age they can see the think that is giving them pleasure and their brain gets wired for their visual sense to be involved in their sexuality. For women, we look down and can’t actually see our sex organs so our experience gets wired as more of an internal, emotional experience.
Another reason that so many men watch porn is because or it’s availability. It is easy to access it on any device. In American, 70% of men and 30% of women watch porn. Some people do it for stress relief, some when they are bored, some get into the habit and find it difficult to break.
The first thing you need to realize is that him watching porn is not a reflection of something missing in you. It is a different type of sexual behavior and doesn’t mean that he feels something is missing in your relationship.
My guess is he is lying about it because he is embarrassed and because he doesn’t want to upset you. These are both signs that he values your connection. I would bring it up when the two of you are out doing something like taking a walk. It is easier for me to talk about stressful things while also doing something else. I would start by saying something like “I noticed in the browser that when I was away you were maybe looking at porn. Can we talk about that?” If he is open to talking, I would focus on asking open ended questions. Things like “Can you help me understand why you do that? What about it is exciting for you? Is there anything you’d like to add to our sexual interaction?” If you approach this without judgment but really from a place of wanting to understand my sense is he will talk about it openly.
I would caution you against trying to control this for him. In my experience that would just make him hide it more and could affect your closeness over time. What do you think about this plan?
Kanya
Hi Jolene, I’m so sorry that you feel we are being non-responsive. I think that you can expect responses on a daily basis but it is unlikely that you will get responses to multiple postings a day. I know that can be frustrating but I also think it can be positive as in between responses everyone has the opportunity to learn to feel their feelings even when there isn’t a quick response or quick fix.
It seems like the two of you have an amazing history. Yes, lots of ups and downs but also a lot of love and support for and from each other. Given how he has responded to your requests thus far my best guess is you will not get him to leave her and return to a relationship with you. What ever he is feeling for her is strong and is hitting him on many levels. If you continue to try to change his mind I think your frustration level will rise and you may begin to feel anger again. We know that this doesn’t really work for the two of you so I would do what you can to stay in a positive frame of mind.
That being said, there many be an opening at some point in the future if things don’t work out between the two of them. While no one has the power to break them up, you can continue to have a positive friendship and show him the degree to which you have changed and evolved over the years. It would be really difficult for either of you to trust the recent changes as they are new. It might take him some time to see you for the new you.
There is also the possibility that he won’t come back. I know that is really difficult to hear. It sounds as though you’ve worked hard to get to a better place inside yourself and it will be disappointing if things don’t work out between the two of you. Unfortunately, we don’t always get the person we want and love. There may be too much negative history between the two of you. He may just be ready to move on. Between last October and this summer what was your mind set? Were you thinking about dating or enjoying the time alone?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I can understand your frustration. 9 years is a long time to be in a relationship without moving to a more permanent situation. You shared that he avoids conversations about marriage but I wonder if he has ever shared his concerns about marriage? Is it something he sees doing at some point? Is it something that he does not want? What has he shared either directly with you or with friends and family? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Nancy, I’m sorry the this is happening. Sometimes it’s to what someone does that shows us who they are it is what they don’t do that shows us who they are. Ultimately we don’t know if this is about his PTSD or just part of his nature. It’s great that he called on Monday but he continues to be inconsistent. My guess is that is a pattern that will not change. Keep that in mind!
Rather than thinking about ‘doing the same’ to him, maybe consider if you actually want to continue to be in contact with this person. At this stage does it feel as if you are building something. What was the tone and content of your conversation on Monday? Has he acknowledged his tendency to disappear? Is it something the two of you have discussed?
Kanya
Hi Candice, If you aren’t comfortable sharing with him now perhaps taking a step back in the way to go. When he reaches out you can address the situation in your own way. You’d want to mention that he is seeing someone and that you aren’t comfortable with continuing to spend time with him. Given the chance, how would you like to express yourself to him?
Kanya
Hi Jolene, This seems like the same question that you are asking on another thread. I already responded to that one so if you don’t mind can you look at my response and continue the communication there? Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Jolene, I;m sorry things are evolving in this way. I imagine you are feeling a lot of regret at this point. Let’s slow things down a bit and see if we can sort things through.
You mention that you were angry with him initially and that this led to his leaving 3 years ago. What was the reason or reasons that you were angry at that time? WAs it something specific that made you angry or many things that built up over the years.
While anger is normal and everyone feels it at some time there are a lot of different ways to express anger. Is that part of what came between the two of you? Can you share more about your history and how the two of you learned to manage disagreements and frustrations? Don’t give up, we are just sorting things out.
Kanya
Hi Zoi, I’m so sorry that this is happening. I can imagine how truly confusing it is. My sense is there is more to the story that he isn’t sharing. When the initial glow starts to wear off people sometimes change their mind. Others realize that for them it is normal part of a growing relationship. He may be scared and not ready for a serious relationship. he may be dating other people, he may be angry about something and not even know it. Really, it could be so many things. Unfortunately, he either isn’t aware of what he is experiencing or can’t communicate it. Either way, the way he is coping with this is not effective.
I don’t think there is anything you could say or do at this point to help you because, as Heidi shared, you didn’t break this. He is struggling with something and until he figures it out he will continue to be confusing. My guess is he will reach out to you again, want to spend time together, etc. I would suggest taking some space now rather than trying to fix things. Until he figures things out there will continue to be a push-pull from him that will be confusing.
What do you think about taking some space, getting some clarity on your own, and seeing if he can figure out a way to communicate what he is going through?
Kanya
Hi Melanie, I echo what Heidi shared. You have done such a great job in supporting yourself. Yes, it will be difficult at times but that is to be expected. I love that you realize you now have more tools to deal with the hurt and self doubt when they arise. As you said, you ARE strong!
Here is a quote from one of my favorite poets, Henry David Thoreau:
“When you truly commit, the Universe will conspire to assure your success.”Please do check in with up dates, to vent, ask questions, etc. We are here for you!
Kanya
