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Hi Mridusmita, Wow, this is really complicated. It seems like you have been going through a lot in terms of immigration etc and that at times you were down and even upset about the future. While that makes sense, it is a very stressful time in the US in terms of immigration, it sounds like perhaps you wish you had been able to express yourself in a different, more productive way. Is that accurate? Was there a blow up of sorts that led to him asking you not to contact him? What happened to facilitate him moving out ?Finally, did you both agree that this was going to ba ‘real’ marriage when you got married or one for convenience? What sounds most upsetting is that he moved out a month later to live with someone else. That must be so confusing.
I agree with Heidi that you don’t want to have to change yourself to be with someone. On the other hand, it sounds as though you realize you would like to grow and mature in some ways that are important to you. I would focus your attention on these areas and really make this a time of growth and learning. Not because it will win him back but because it will make you feel more capable and confident. That needs to be your focus.
What type of support system do you have around you? It is vital that you surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself and remind you that even though you are a work in progress, you are amazing! So for now, breath in and breath out. Begin to think about what you need to do to feel more secure here; a new job, a safe place to live with people who care for each other who are here when you need them, a plan to develop radical self acceptance and self respect! Put your relationship on the back burner (consider no contact for 30 days) so that you can focus on you. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rachel, I think he is freaking out. The closeness scares him and he is trying to figure out the future, how he will feel, how things will evolve, etc. Unfortunately you guys aren’t there yet and that is why he is doubting this. I would give him space and let him calm down a bit. Once he stops feeling defensive he will start to miss you. He’ll start to question his concerns and perhaps go through a period of confusion. Hopefully he will be seeking the advice of someone who understands this process and can guide him appropriately. For now, I suggest you read “A Perfect Romance’ By Judith Sills. It outlines the stages from meeting through commitment. She talks at length about the pull back many men experience. I think you would find it helpful at this time. Again, keep us posted and hop on when ever you need support or insights!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, That is a great question! So many of us move through life without ever realizing that this is important. I don’t know about you but my life goes a lot smoother when I am willing to do so on a regular basis!
There are a couple of things I like to do to clear my mind. Sometimes I take a walk or hop on the bike. It helps me to burn off some energy so it is easier to access what is going on below the surface. I also often take some quiet time either at night or first thing in the morning. I put on some relaxing music and do some yoga, stretching, or just sit quietly. This really helps me connect to a deeper part of myself which is amazing! I look forward to hearing what others do to quit their minds!
Kanya
Hi Rachel, In terms of dating, I think you need some time to heal before taking on the dating world. Understanding this relationship and feeling as though your heart is healed and ready is vital. Otherwise you, like anyone in this situation, will stumble into new situations and things can get confusing fast!
I’m so sorry that he is choosing to handle his confusion in this way. The fact that everyone is shocked says a lot about his behavior. I went back and reread what you shared and something occurred to me. When the two of you were on vacation did he mention anything about your differences? Did he see you interacting with kids and question that? Did you give him feedback to stop some behavior? Thing about anything, even something subtle that may have planted a seed of doubt about a future with you. I just get the sense that he is taking something small and running with it in his mind. Let me know if anything comes to mind!
Kanya
Hi Jean, Your sister is a wise woman! It does sound like it is taking most of his energy to stay sober. That may take a long time for him to be able to shift and be able to give you more of what makes you happy and fulfilled.
The thing is, even when he is steady in his sobriety he may not be able to respond to your needs. You can’t really know that until you are there. And, often times, when people feel defensive, they will argue back rather than compromise because they don’t want to feel as though they have lost. In the past has he been able to think about things, talk about them and compromise?
The challenge with this situation is that there is a lot going on on many levels. The moderator’s here can give you our thoughts and ideas but ultimately you need to do what feels right for you. I hear a lot of relief in your words as you talk about putting this to the side for now. That tells me that you aren’t ready to make any major changes at this time. Trust your gut on this. You can continue to plant seeds with him. At a minimum the two of you deserve some uninterrupted time everyday when ‘other women’ aren’t present.
Is he is a 12 step program? If he is they are not going to support his habit of getting high and they would question if his pro watching has become a new addiction. I shared that you can keep planting seeds with him but you can also do this with yourself. Take a step back and begin to observe the relationship and how both of you interact in the relationship. Do you feel he can respond to your other needs? Does he pay attention and really care about what your dreams as aspirations? DO you feel as though you are a team in other areas? All of this will help you gain clarity on what is ultimately in your best interest. Does that make sense?
The truth is some women are not bothered by porn so they don’t have a problem living with it. Because it does bother you and triggers insecurities you need to be careful about what “living with it” looks like for you. Can you really let it go and not be bothered by it? If so then that might be a workable situation. But, if living with it means feels bad about yourself and losing confidence while you learn to just be quiet about it then I would not wish that on anyone. Living like that starts to erode us from he inside. In essence it requires that we cut off parts of ourselves for the comfort of another and often results in a significant depression. Pay attention to these signs and take care of yourself and your heart! Please do keep communicating with us as we are here to help and support you!
Kanya
Hi Christina, I can understand why you would want to understand things more. The thing is, relationships can begin in a lot of different ways. Sometimes it evolves from a friendship and sometimes it is more traditional in that there is dating, etc.
If he does start to get close then get clear on what you are comfortable with and don’t let things go further than you would like. While the two of you are close you can say something to him in a playful way like, “I like being close with you. Maybe we can spend more time together and get to know each other.” Then, see if he initiates. He may just be really uncomfortable doing that. You could also ask him if he wants to grab something to eat after he uses your space.
There are other ways to start hanging out together. Use your imagination. You may want to check out the Irresistible Insights page and see what reports look interesting to you.I recommend you read “Dating of Hanging Out” as it addresses the type of situation you are in. Take a look, read through, and let ua know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Rachel, It sounds that maybe the two of you were in different places. That can be frustrating but it is something that most couples deal with. The woman is usually ready for the next step before the man. That is something that couples learn to navigate and negotiate. It sounds like he may not understand this given that it is his first serious relationship. When he shared that he wasn’t in the same place, did he elaborate on what that meant? I wonder if after a few weeks it would be good to meet for coffee and clarify things a bit. During this time get clear on what you want. Are you willing to be in a relationship even if he isn’t ready to commit to more? If so, how much time are you willing to give this?
After you are clear then talk to him. Don’t give him an ultimatum but let him know that it was not your intention to pressure him, that you just wanted to know that the two of you were building something. See if he can open up a bit more about where he is at and if he can see a future. You don’t need to make any decisions at that time but simply gather more information and see if it works for the two o you to pick ups where you were at of if it makes more sense to move on. What do you think of that?
Kanya
Hi Linda, Wow, you two really do have an interesting relationship. You’re right in that the two of you have already invested so much time in getting to know each other, in being close. It is something that will take many years to build up with someone else.
Before you start to date would you be willing to be more direct with him? You shared that maybe the two of you are dropping subtle hints. Perhaps it is time to be a little less subtle. During one of your walks you could say something like, “I’m thinking about going on a dating site. I realize that I really do want a partner, even if we don’t ever marry. I just like being connected to someone in that way and I miss it. As I was contemplating it I realized that I often compare the friendship we have to what I could find out there and this friendship always wins. I know it’s probably silly but have you ever contemplated us being more than friends?”
I realize it might feel scary but reread what I just wrote. You aren’t admitting to loving him or being in love with him. You’re simply opening the door in a gentle way. He gets to choose whether or not he walks through it or not. If he makes a joke you can laugh it off too but it might also plant a seed for him. He may still be gun shy after being cheated on and he may find it difficult to see how he could juggle taking care of his mother with dating. Unfortunately he isn’t talking much about what he is feeling and the reality is, he may not be connected enough with himself to know what he is thinking.
If you’re ready to date, give the sites a try. You can share as much of your experience with him as you are comfortable. But before you do that, I would say something in a playful but more direct way about the possibility of creating more together! I know it is scary but you can do it!!! Keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Jean, I’m glad you see that he does have an addictive personality. That is something for you to be aware of it may affect his life more and more. Until he is ready to see it as an addiction it isn’t going to change. It is good the you see you could live with it if…
You shared something interesting, you said it ‘wouldn’t count’ if he learned how to make you feel special and like you were the most important woman in the world. I think it is dangerous to a relationship when we expect out partners to know what we need and expect them to give it to us no matter what. No one is a mind reader and we each give and receive love in different ways.
You will need to let him know that hearing him reassure you is important to you! You can do this respectfully, and playfully, but you can do it. Negotiate what will work for both of you.It is also reasonable to set a boundary and ask him to focus on you when the two of you are together, not something on his phone. In this technological age we all need to get better about putting the phones and computers down and connecting with each other.
I coach couples to set aside a certain amount of time every day to just be together-no electronics, even no TV for part of that time. In this way couples can reconnect on a deeper level. That being said, many men fond this difficult so maybe do something like take a walk or sit on the patio while you are together. It may be difficult at first but it is important to take the time to unplug. Have the two of you tried to do this?
Kanya
Hi Christina, I can understand why this in confusing. At the same time, I am a little confused as well. It is clear that you would like things to move forward. You both seem to like each other and there seems to be a nice connection between you both. So, what boundaries do you want to set if he gets touchy feely again? Isn’t that part of what you are hoping will happen as you two move forward?
Kanya
Hi Jessica, Yes, this is so frustrating and confusing! I really acknowledge you for understanding what is going on for him and what might be getting in the way. Let’s break this down a bit. What did your text say? Did you start with a simple “I need help.”
If he doesn’t respond I would wait for about 30 days before I try again. Then I would send the above text first and see how he responds. Keep us posted!
Any idea when he will be returning to work?
Kanya
Hi Jeanine, I can totally understand why you fear he will forget about you. That is a fear that a lot of women have in this situation. The thing is, men handle space differently than women. Men need space to go inside and process and they need a lot of it! So, if you are away for 30 days then what will happen is that he will start to notice your absence and maybe even start to feel those more loving feelings once he has space. He can start to face the upper limit. That doesn’t mean that he will only need this one time but I do think it is worth doing.
n terms of social media, If you do not delete him please ignore him for the next 30 days. Don’t look at his feed or what he is doing. Just leave it be as if he doesn’t exist for 30 days. Yes, it will be difficult but you can do it!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I can totally understand why you feel frustrated. This is a frustrating situation! The thing is, this is a lot of information and ideas. You don’t have to make a decision at this point. You still have time to work with him. Why don’t you think about it for awhile and then talk to him. In the past you’ve tried to understand and inspire him. What if you let him know that you really want to have a family with him, to be married, but that he will need to make some decisions in the next year or so (or what ever timeline feels right to you) to ensure that you can create this together. I don’t believe he is ever going to get his mother’s approval. He may need to do what his heart is telling him to do and then let her climate to those decision. YEs, culture and religion is playing a big role but ultimately he must decide who is in charge of his life. If he is unwilling to decide then you will continue to be in limbo which is clearly a painful place to be. As Heidi asked, can you move into a place of acceptance and flexibility while being clear that he will need to make a choice at some point? If he doesn’t make a choice, perhaps you will need to make a choice. I would hate for you to be in this place in 10 years after your window for a family has passed.
Kanya
Hi Emily, Prior to ending things with him what if you talk to him directly about your concerns. YEs, he wants a 4 hour work week, has his real estate license, etc but does he realize he needs a concrete plan. You can approach it from a place of really valuing your career and wanting to build a life with someone who has a similar drive. While just talking about it might not chance him, it might inspire him to take more concrete steps to build his life.
If he isn’t interested in doing that then I think you know that this isn’t going to work of you long term. Getting involved and falling for someone that you don’t have a future with seems like a bad idea in that it will just lead to more difficulty. I know it is disappointing because of the connection you feel with him but I am glad that you are recognizing the red flags and really thinking this through! How are you feeling about all that we’ve shared?
Kanya
