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Hi Rachel, There is nothing worse that a tough break-up. I’m not surprised that you are having a difficult day. I think you will notice a lot of ups and downs along this healing path. I agree, it is good to let the tears come. Crying actually triggers our brain to release chemicals that will help us feel better and calmer. Let it out when it is present.
Part of why break ups are so difficult is because when we are with someone our brains form an emotional attachment that is also physiological in nature. TO have that connection end is painful. Our brain and body naturally want that person back so as to end what is painful. It takes some time but your heart will catch up. As I said, you will have ups and downs. When I talk to my clients about grief I use a wave analogy. Feelings of grief will come in waves. With this, the waves will come less frequently and will be smaller in size. Does that make sense?
How are you doing in terms of self care and self love these days?
Kanya
Hi Leta, I think for now you need to sit back and see what he is going to do about it. Until he ends his relationship he can’t really be there for you, he can’t really be in another relationship. He cheated on her by being with you. Remember that. My guess is that it is not the first time or the last time that he is going to do this.
When the 2 of you were seeing each other, what was that like? Were you open with friends and family about the situation?
Kanya
Hi Elena, Interesting. I think that it could be him giving you a sign but realistically, we can only make a guess about that. Given your experience of this man in the past I would assume that he is just going through his own awakening.Since it is literally at the beginning of the awakening I would not assume that it means anything about the two of you. Right now he is not able to commit to anything because he is still in process. I would continue to see him as a friend, maintain really clear boundaries, and see where things are in a few months.
I totally get how exciting this can be but I think excitement is premature. I also think that he is good at dangling carrots. What I mean by that is when you start to pull away and feel whole again he is good as suggesting there is a possibility of more with him. It sounds as though he has some significant awakening to do and things could change as he does so. Remember, it is really easy to get caught up in the game again but that doesn’t seem to be what you are about any longer.
You’ve done a really great job at training your mind away from this situation, away from this person. I would continue to do that for now. Focus on the amazing things happening in your life. Keep practicing eye contact! It sounds like you are really embracing this and working your way to feeling more comfortable when you are making eye contact. Of course it feels vulnerable-that is why it is so important. You are an amazing being. Learning to let others see so amazing you are is an important step!
Kanya
Hi Linda, Hmmmm. Why do you think you chickened out? It seems like mentioning it in a playful way would be easy and you could quickly redirect the conversation if needed. The two of you have been doing this dance for a long time. I think that one of you may need to be less subtle in how you approach this. Certainly something to consider!
In terms of flirting, there is a great resource on this site that will help you develop those skills. Under the Irresistible Insights page there is an article titled “The Art of Flirting.” It is towards the bottom of the page. James has outlined the importance of flirting and given many examples that you could start to try. Please take a look then write back and share some of the strategies that you are comfortable trying. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, thanks for sharing your story. OUCH! It is sad that he couldn’t just explain that to you so that you didn’t spend time wondering and worrying. I think we’ve all had these types of experiences. I remember doing that to a friend when I was very young because I didn’t know how to communicate with them about not wanting to be their friend anymore. I wish I had handled it differently!
Gina, just wondering how you are doing?
Kanya
Hi Chantel, Were you looking at the apartment in conjunction with him or is moving something that you need to do for yourself. If it is for you then yes, go of it! It might add a positive distraction for you. I would however refrain from asking him to join you. For now, enjoy being solo. Who knows, you could meet a great guy in the process!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, That is so true. Sometimes a smile can turn someone’s day around. Good to remember!
Kanya
HI Stephanie, That is so true. Sometimes a smile can turn someone’s day around. Good to remember!
Kanya
Hi P, That is a great question. We have all faced this at one time or another. It can be soooooo confusing when it happens. First, do not panic. Keep breathing and slow down. There are many reasons a guy pulls away and many ways to respond to it. First, I recommend you download or listen to “Two words to Pull Him Back When he Goes Away.” It is available on the Irresistible Insights page and is free if you are a member. In this report James explains the different reasons men pull away as well as the most effect ways to respond. There is far more great info there than I could possible share here. Can you take a look and then check back? I’d love to hear your perspective on what might be happening to your guy! I’m looking forward to hearing more!
Kanya
Hi Zoi, hmmmm. You mention something interesting in the last paragraph of your question. DO you want him to start to reconsider the break up? If so, are you really ready for closure? The reason I ask is because it is important that you be crystal clear about what you want. If you want closure, than go of it. Write the message in your own words, keeping it short and simple as Heidi said. If you are done then you don’t need to wait for 30 days. You can do it now or in a week, what ever feels right to you.
I don’t think that you need to worry so much about what he is going to think and/or assume. Letting go and moving forward is something that takes time. It doesn’t happen the moment a relationship ends. I think it is normal, when you care for someone, to hope that things will turn around. That is part of being human. Part of the process of sending this text is to stay open and allow yourself to show your vulnerability. Too many people use strong feelings of anger to move forward. They insult each other, they shut down, they stop showing any vulnerability. The reality is, humans are vulnerable and it is a great trait to show and share. Not for him, but for you! It will help you learn to be more open and available for deeper connections in the future. Does that make sense?
Here is a link to Brene Brown talking about vulnerability and emotions in relationships;
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, First, let me make sure I am understanding you correctly. Were you friends for 20 years, then you dated for 8 months, then he decided he wanted to go back to being friends? Please let me know if I have this correct!
How long ago did he decide he wanted to be friends. Other than saying he just thinks of you as a friend, what were some of the challenges you faced when you were together? What are some differences that make it difficult for him to be in a relationship with you? What was he doing for those 20 years? WAs he married, in relationships, etc?
Kanya
Hi Kimberly, Thanks for writing in. I’m wondering if you could start another thread that we can respond to?
In the mean time let me make sure I understand what you are sharing. First, you are going through a separation/divorce. You mention domestic violence. I’m so glad that you have decided to get out of that damaging relationship. I hope you are feeling safe and starting to feel strong and confident again!
It sounds as though you fell in love with someone new and at some point poured your heart out to him. How long ago did this occur? Were the two of you dating when you poured your heart out to him? Can you give me more information regarding what took place? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Valerie,
It is exciting that you are feeling ready to start something new. That is awesome. It sounds as though you have done some major growing in the past several years and I acknowledge you!In terms of moving this to a dating situation, there are 2 articles on this site that I think you would find really helpful right now! You will find them if you look under the Irresistible Insights section of this site. The titles are “Help Him Ask You Out” and “From Friend Zone to How Romance.” Both are filled with amazing insights from James for women in your situation. I suggest you read through both of them then write with specific questions about how to implement some of his ideas. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Chantal, That is frustrating! It sounds as though the two of you had a good connection but yes, it was soon and there as still so much to get to know about each other. I wonder if he has pulled back because of some of the information the two of you found out about each other when you were in Colorado. Do you think this is a possibility? It sounds as though the two of you were open to talking but perhaps with time he has become overwhelmed or confused? Can you share more about what occurred while the two of you were away?
It is good that he is still connecting via text albeit in a confusing manner. For now I suggest you take a step back and let him do the initiating of all contact. I know it will be hard but at this point I think it is important to really get a true sense of whether or not he is interested. Take at least a week off from initiating and when he does initiate, let a few hours go by before responding. Then, in 2 weeks send him a text to ignite his hero instinct. Something like “I need your help.” Then, when he responds, as him about something he is an expert on. You can also ask him to come over to help you move or fix something. We don’t know what is going on for him so it is important to move slowly at this stage.
Kanya
Hi Chantal, Thanks for writing in! I’m glad that you have joined the focus. WE’d love to help you determine what actions and phrases will help to heal the rift in your relationship. Can you share more about what is going on for you?
How long have you been together? What was the relationship like? What led to the break-up and \ how long ago did you break up? What is the nature of your relationship currently? Talking, getting along, silence? Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
